The Teenage Exchange

Parents trade in their teenage son for a new 'model' at a Crazy Bob's Teenage Exchange

Chapter 1: Crazy Bob’s
So, they finally made the decision. Today, the dad dropped his teenage son off at the exchange. The wife and father had debated about it for weeks, until a flyer from Crazy Bob's Teenager Exchange arrived and finally convinced them. Crazy Bob, as the owner called himself, had a special on teenage daughters, which the wife had always wanted, and Crazy Bob offered the best trade-in value for teenage boys who didn't do sports.

Oh, they tried to get him interested in doing sports, but the boy just didn't care. Too much into music, and not the cool rock popular music, but that boring classical stuff. He played four instruments and practiced constantly. The parents hated it. Of course, they bought his instruments when he wanted to learn another one, or the band needed him to learn another one, and although everyone called them stupid for not keeping the instruments and reselling them, they just let him keep them. He loved those more musical objects than anything else they had brought home over the years.

The dad had to help him pack, which turned out harder than he expected. He kept wanting to tell the boy that he still loved him, but he just didn't know anything about music, well, that kind of music anyway. And because the boy didn't follow football nor have any interest in popular movies, they never knew what to talk about at the dinner table. Eventually, the family started to have dinner in the TV room. The boy sat with his back to the movie, composing on his computer, while the wife and husband watched a new blockbuster movie.

They tried to learn and understand, but the foreignness of the music made it too difficult for the dad. The wife even took a music appreciation class, but it only made her appreciate modern music more.

Good thing the boy had good grades, because Bob gave them a 25% premium, but even with that, they had to take a younger teenage girl than they wanted. They had hoped for a straight trade, as they had only two more years left in raising the child before they could just get back to enjoying life as a couple, but now they had an extra year to parent. The parents rationalized it by believing that the years would go by faster and therefore feel shorter.

She also came with the advantage of eating 37% less, although they lost some of that savings with her need for higher-priced food and makeup. So much makeup, which at first the wife loved. They went shopping together, bought similar brands, like the best friend that the wife never had. Until their new daughter started to use the wife's makeup, which annoyed the wife because she never had sisters and had never had to share before. Worse, the new daughter didn't do a very good job of looking after the makeup, so the sponges dried out, she cross-contaminated the eye shadow, and did something to the lipstick that ruined a few tubes, which caused the wife to scream while the husband focused on the football game.

To add insult to injury, or injury to insult, our daughter didn’t look much like the father, so people thought he dated a younger girl, a super young younger girl. Super awkward to sit at a restaurant to get to know each other, and have all those old ladies and a few waiters staring at them and calling him a dirty old bastard, loud enough for him to hear, but not for the daughter. She played hockey, which he didn’t understand, but at least she played sports.


Chapter 2: Better Fit
On the way home from dinner, after the father complimented his new daughter on her perfume, he found a rotten apple core under the seat. The former son had left it in the car. The sweet apple smell made him glad that he had traded in the slob, because the gross apple core, covered in dirt and ants, made him cry and feel sick to his stomach.

Overall, they liked her, and she fit their lifestyle better, but after only a month, both parents started to have poor sleep and woke up each morning in tears. They missed the music in the house.

The father realized how much he missed the boy when he saw a flyer for a classical concert and rushed home to tell the boy that he had bought a ticket as a present, but couldn't find him. The new daughter didn't want the ticket, nor did the wife, nor the husband. He ended up giving the ticket to one of their former son's friends, who very much enjoyed the performance and said the boy played well when the father asked the following weekend.

On his way home from shopping, he passed and stopped in Crazy Bob's store. A huge warehouse-like place, with glass-walled rooms filled with teenagers of every description. Most played video games, while a few read. None played music like the boy used to.

He talked with Bob and complimented him on their new daughter. Out of curiosity, he asked Bob about their former son, about what had happened to the boy.

Crazy Bob had sold him to an old couple. The wife used to play in the orchestra while he had season's tickets to the opera. The boy would love that. The perfect parents for him.

The wife, new daughter, and the husband decided to get a bit of culture, and he purchased tickets to the boys' next performance. They sat at the back, with easy access to the exit in case they all hated it. The father liked the first piece, but the wife found it confusing, and the daughter just played on her phone. They all enjoyed the second song, a more modern, upbeat song, from the latest blockbuster movie.

Then the boy played a piece that he said he had written for his mother. He stopped mid-performance, and tears rolled down his cheeks. The father clenched his fists while the mother covered her eyes. He missed them. The boy stood and rushed from the concert hall. Everyone wondered if the boy would come back. His former parents wondered if he wanted to come back. They had put the daughter in the only extra room and didn’t have another room for him and his musical instruments, well, unless they converted the storage room in the basement to a bedroom, but then where would they store all sports equipment?

The father met and talked with the boy’s new parents after the show because he needed to tell the new parents that the boy didn’t like pizza or anything with melted cheese on it. He had forgotten to put that information in the nutritional section of the intake form. The stuck-up pair informed the father that they only fed him vegetables. Vegan, or something.

They said he didn't want to go back. Who would? They said he loved his new home with a king-sized bed. The former parents knew that he never really liked their food, as he always made his own dinners, and he wouldn’t like the single bed that they could provide.

With a mouthful of pepperoni pizza, the new daughter commented that she would like a brother. On the TV, the family watched an old Christmas movie that took place in an office tower, with way more excitement than their former son's favorite Christmas black-and-white movie. Like, who watches black-and-white movies?


Chapter 3: Two Many

A local musician rearranged a classical music song into a cool rap song. With former son's favorite song in the background, something about a Pacman’s cannon in d. The new daughter spent every day humming that stupid song. And worse, the mother began to hum along with her. Even the radio played the song constantly. The father couldn’t get away from it.

The son's school decided to do another concert, this time with the local musician, who would perform, so of course the family had to attend. Packed and crowded, the whole neighborhood came out for it. The organizers rented the stadium to hold everyone. And the former son, with his new parents, and the rapper, greeted people as they entered.

Like super awkward, and while their gazes met, the former parents couldn’t go over and see their former son. Of course, the new daughter needed the rapper’s and the former son’s autographs. Stupid teenage girls. It felt like a betrayal. And the new daughter and former son talked. Too much, too long, such that the former parents left for their seats.

The inside smelled horrible, like sweat and candy, and everyone talked too loud. The father sat hunched, chin in hands, elbows on knees, and wished he had stayed home and watched a movie. Ordered a pizza or something.

Lights dimmed, people hushed, and the rapper introduced the orchestra, with the former son as the centerpiece. Somehow, the former son found his former parents in the stadium, and he stared at them. Wide-eyed. Off to the right, his new parents clapped.

And then, as the music started, the former son, with his gaze on his former parents, and with the former parents' eyes wet from the bright lights, stood up and ran from the stage. Straight to his new parents, who grabbed him, yelled at him, and screamed so loud that the former parents could hear their swear words over the murmur of the crowd.

The former parents rushed the stage, but security intercepted them and ejected the whole family, including the daughter, with her red-rimmed eyes from squinting in the dark stadium, who had stayed in her seat.

They ordered pizza, watched a movie, and went to bed early.

The next day, the father stopped by Crazy Bob’s to see about getting his daughter a brother or something. The former son sat in the processing area. Dejected. Piles of black-cased musical instruments around him. They had cut his hair, and it looked totally unlike him. He wore a suit that hung open. His gaze stayed on the floor. The former father didn’t know what to say, so he avoided his former son and talked with the receptionist, although the father kept glancing behind him. The son didn’t move. He never looked up at me, even though he must have heard and recognized the father's voice.

They had returned him.

Bastards.

They claimed that Crazy Bob had sold them a damaged son. Stupid. So stupid.

Crazy Bob sold him back to the father, cheap, for just a small administration fee, because, in his words, if he can’t play and won’t even go back on stage, better to sell him cheap than spend a whole bunch of money on a therapist.

So, the family ended up with a daughter and an ill-fitting son, who fit their hearts perfectly.