Driving

I got into my car and started driving, not knowing where or until when. When I started thinking again, it was noon, and I was in front of my aunt's old house. She still lives there; "old house" was what I used to call it when I was 8, and since then I've called it that. It always seemed to have come out of one of my novels.
As I was already there, I decided to pay a visit to my aunt. I didn't see her for about 8 years, because we moved away when I was 11, and although I moved back to Manchester a few years ago, I didn't go visit. I guess I've been too busy with life...
My aunt was an elderly lady, English, in her mid 50's. Despite her age, she remained clear minded and funny as I had always remembered her.
I spent a few hours with her today, until I figured it is time I started driving home. As I was driving, I remembered what made me leave my house earlier today, and I shivered slightly. I put on the radio on full volume; that always makes me forget everything for a while. But ironically enough, on the radio there were only sad songs, which didn't help at all. Each and every one of them reminded me of what I so wanted to forget. I silently cursed the damn radio managers, and closed the radio. I managed to think as little as possible until I got home by thinking of minor subjects.
When I finally got to my place, I had worn out all the boring subjects. Now I had to think. How am I going to survive this period of time?
I opened the door and found mail on the floor. I sighed, lifted the stack of envelopes and put them on the coffee table. I checked the messages on the machine - one message from Robin, my best friend, asking if everything is ok and why I didn't call her. I picked up the phone and called her, although all I could think about is getting in bed and sleeping till today is gone. She answered the phone after a few rings and sounded happy to hear my voice. "Hey! What's up with you lately?" -"Nothing." -"No, really." -"I'm telling you, nothing." -"So why didn't you come to the party yesterday? Or at least call?"
What could I say? That the party she was talking about was the last thing on my mind yesterday?! I said nothing. -"Hello?! Are you still there?" -"yes, yes..." I turned the radio on. What else could I do? But again, the stupid songs… I put my Oasis CD on. 'I said maybe... Maybe... You're gonna be the one that saves me...' -"So what happened with you??" I tuned in again and heard Robin, sounding a bit frightened on the phone. -"Oh, sorry, sorry... I drifted away for a moment." -"Are you sure you're okay?? I'm coming over." Although I tried to persuade her that I'm fine, she insisted on coming. She lived rather close and was at my place after about 20 minutes. She found me sitting on the couch, watching late-night television shows.
Robin is a fiery brunette I met when I moved back to Manchester. She is a slightly hyperactive person, especially when it comes to being with her friends. She came motivated to 'make me spill everything' as she said... I wasn't going to tell her, or anybody, for that matter.
It's not that I was afraid that much of her reaction or was afraid of what she would think of me. It's just that I was an inward person. I had so much practice in concealing personal things, emotions, and events, that I couldn't reveal them. I can't tell people, not even a best friend, personal information. Even if I want to, the words just don't seem to come out.
Robin continued nagging and inquiring, but when I burst, saying "Please! Leave me! If I don't want to talk about it I don't have to!!", she looked a little hurt and said "If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to. But I think you could tell me that something was wrong instead of making me rush here in the middle of the night!" -"I didn't even tell you to come here!" Robin left after sending me a look that said 'I don't know what's come over you, but I'm hurt!' I felt a bit nasty, but as exhaustion took over, I felt nothing. Not even despair.
I slept horrible that night. Dreams and nightmares confused as I dreamt about Robin knowing how I hurt her, and about Him.
I woke up in the morning feeling as exhausted as I felt the last night. Plus, now I felt guilt. I called Robin and apologized immediately. Almost half an hour of explaining yesterday and what triggered my outburst. After ending the call I felt a little bit better and tried to recover.. I fixed myself breakfast and dressed nicely although I wasn't planning on going anywhere. I just thought it'd make me feel good.
Then, I started organizing my house - The tissues that were scrambled everywhere, the dishes from this morning and last night, my clothes on the floor.
I went to watch the news on television. Two people died in a car accident, thus raising the number of car accidents' victims in 24 hours to 7. In San Francisco there was a minor earthquake. It will be sunny for the rest of the week. Why did I want to watch the news anyway? I don't know. If I wanted something to distract me from my life, why not choose something optimistic or at least humoristic!?
I decided to take a walk outside. Even the pouring rain I saw through the window (yeah, it'll really be sunny for the rest of the week...) didn't interfere with my choice. I took my coat and went outside. The rain washed away all my troubles as I started dancing in the rain. Nobody was in sight so I felt free to do as I wanted.
I returned to my apartment later, soaked but happier. I took another shower and called Robin, asking her to meet me at the movies.
We went to see some movie, I don't know which as we talked the whole movie.. Robin was a bit surprised to see how I have recovered since the last night, but I guess she assumed I was just too tired. After the movie we went to "nIce Cream", the ice cream place in the mall, and had enough sugar to talk the whole night. I asked Robin if she wanted to come to my place, but she refused.
I drove home, and went to sleep. I slept okay, woke up every few hours but returned to sleep almost immediately. I woke up again at 7am, but this time I had to wake up. Weekend was over, time to go to work.
I work in a large computer company, in data input. It isn't a very satisfying job but it pays okay. It's a 9-to-5 job, so that leaves me enough time for myself. Sadly, this week, free time is the last thing I need - If I have a spare moment I end out thinking of what was or what will be with Him.
He was my last boyfriend, who broke up with me about four months ago. He called me a few weeks ago, saying he was near by and he needs my help, so can he please come over?. I said "yeah, sure", thinking something real bad must have happened to him if he called me. So I thought I was prepared for the worst when I opened the door. But what I was about to see I definitely did not expect. He appeared to have lost ten to twenty pounds, even though he wasn't fat in the first place, and his eyes were sunken deep. I let him in once I've conquered my shock, and asked him if he wanted anything. He said coffee was good. As I made coffee, I asked him what made him stop by, and he said simply, "I had no other place to go". That surprised me, because when we were dating his family was always very involved in his life, and was very protective of him, not to mention his many friends. So why suddenly me? But he looked so pitiful I was almost ashamed to ask him such a question.
It was beginning to be late and he showed no signs of moving - he stayed on the couch, numb and unresponsive. I asked him, half-joking, "Would you like me to make the couch for you to sleep on?" hoping he would take the hint and leave, but he nodded gratefully. Fine. I set the couch and he just lay there. I also went to bed, a little concerned. That's when the dreams about him started. I dreamt we were together again, laughing and dancing, and then, suddenly, he turned to the half dead half-alive person I saw in front of me when I opened the door.
I woke up thinking everything was a bad dream, and that I was going to have a normal day. But then I got to the living room and saw him sleeping and twitching on my couch. Should I call an ambulance? He sat up. Thank god. I thought he was about to die!... After a cup of coffee (for the both of us) he started telling his story.
Three months after we broke up, the stock market went down, so he says, and his company had to make budget and staff cuts. So they "released" him. One thing led to another, and he got drunk every night, wasting most of his money on his new 'habit'. His girlfriend kicked him out when she found out, and his parents would kill him if they knew. That's what made him come to my doorstep, looking half drunk and very miserable. What about his friends? Maybe they were ashamed to be seen with him, or maybe he was too embarrassed to ask. That I could understand.
Every night for the whole time he spent with me, I dreamt at least one dream about him. Sometimes it was a nightmare when he looked like when he showed up at my door, but most of the time I had dreams about how we were together and how we could be. I guess I wasn't over him like I thought..
I left after 9 days, probably sensing he over-stayed his welcome. I figured out I can't get over him, like I wanted to, if he kept staying with me, so I kept hinting him to leave. Even though he left, I kept thinking of him and what I could do to help. Maybe I should allow him to stay at my place for another week. Or maybe I could help him through the process of AA or something.. But then reality hit. He is probably at a pub somewhere, drinking his third or fourth drink.. I was stunned at the sadness I suddenly felt. I don't really know why, I guess it was the thought of losing him again. I hated myself for thinking so, but I couldn't help it.
So I started driving, hoping to clear my mind and think...