The cookie mystery

Your honour, ladies and gentlemen of the jury....

I will, if it pleases the court, counter the evidence against me one part at a time.

The fact that Crumbs were found in your bed and on your person.

I maintain that the last time my bedding was wahsed was three weeks ago. Those cookie crumbs could be from any point right up to the afforementioned incident. Short of carbon dating the crumbs found and comparing them to the origionals, there is no conclusive prrof to determine that thery are from afforementioned victims of said crime.

I was overheard earlier in the evening saying. “Hey! Look, cookies.”

I point out a wonderful document called the US constituition. Though i am a UK citizen, this document appiles to me while on trial in the USA. There fore i am entitled to free speech. The fact that i said something is in no way proof that i commited a crime.

There was a suspicious lack of milk in your refrigerator.

Im lactose intollerant.. why would i own milk?

You were seen leaving the kitchen by a credible witness just minutes before the cookies were found missing.

The witness places me in the vicinity of the afforementioned crime shortly before it occurs. But tha also leaves the witness in the same vicinity. Without the ability to cross examine the witness, their testimony would be unable to stand in a court of law, indeed it would be inadmissable as evidence, with the exception of the witness being deceased or incapacitated.

When asked if you took the last cookies, you answered, “mmfmfmfmm” *swallow* “No.”

Since when has an excess of saliva been a crime?
What would you have had me do... spit in your face?

So, having dismissed the so called evidence against me, there is little choice but to introduce a motion to this court. I move for dismissal.