Will Not Die

"Will Not Die"
(7/4/01 - 17 years old)

Can I ever do things right?
Can I ever just be good?
It doesn't seem like it,
But I really wish I could.

I hate the way I'm living.
My days are filled with guilt.
I'm hurting others, hurting myself
And change won't come, though willed.

It hurts so much I'm crying
I'm hating what I do.
I wish to punish me,
But, damn!, it hurts you, too.

But I deserve to hurt
For all that I've done wrong.
So I'll take my blade and cut myself
And wish that I was gone.

Maybe your hugs will help
Maybe loved I'll feel
But I don't want to ask
Cuz then they are not real.

But how can I get through this
Always pushing you away?
You're "only there to help"
But can I believe in what you say?

The tears are falling more now
As I continue to write
Me included, no one loves me.
At that thought, my throat gets tight.

Why should I continue
If all I do is wrong?
I really cannot stand this
And feel I don't belong.

I guess I'll cry in silence
Cuz I don't want to hurt you more.
I really want forgiveness,
But I've been wrong since I was born.

I guess if I forgive myself
Things won't be so bad
But right now it is impossible
Cuz self-hatred is only had.

I don't know how to end this,
Or why I even wrote,
But I guess I'll think more positive
And end on a happier note.

Let's see... It's hard to do
With thoughts so negative.
Oh... I thought of something:
I will not die; I will live.