Dungeons and Wagons: continuation 4

This continuation picks up from "Dungeons and Wagons: continuation 2" 

Purple, the Perfectly Normal
Human?
         Venus is well known for its military.
For their land force, they have their army
rangers, all adept in two-weapon fighting and
nature-based spells. Their air force consists
of the hover fighter crafts, the rogue squad,
with their deadly sneak attacks.
         Yes, the Venusians are very proud of
their armed forces. They are also proud of
their military quality dungeons, like the one the
Fantastic Seven were now being held in. The
door leading down into the deep dungeon
was gaurded by a spunky young military
private. His name was Owen Property. He
was approached by a Major.
         "How goes things, Private Property?"
said the Major.
         "SIR YES SIR, MAJOR PAYNE, SIR!"
shouted Owen with a smart salute.
         "Very nice, private," said Major Payne,
rubbing his finger in his ear. This didn't quite
answer his question, so he pressed on. "How
are our new prisoners doing?"
         "SIR!" shouted Owen, "THEY ARE
DOING FINE, SIR, YES, SIR!" Very pleased
with himself, he saluted again, performed the
secret handshake consisting of varrious
forms of fist bopings, and began to take his
laser blaster appart for inspection.
         "By the way, did you hear about the
General's daughter?" asked the Major.
         "SIR, NO, SIR! I HAVE NOT
RECIEVED ANY INTELLIGENCE ON
GENERAL INFORMATION OR HIS
DAUGHTER, MISS INFORMATION, SIR! OVER
AND OUT!"
         "It appears that Miss Information is
claiming that the election was rigged. She
seems to think that the Lotus Eaters are still
around, and that they're trying to take over the
worlds, and that they cheated to get Bomber
McSmash into office so that he could have that
group thrown in the dungeon."
         "SIR, YES, SIR!"
         "But you know what they say about
Miss Information..."

         The election was rigged. Sure, the
debates were only earlier that day, but
elections work really fast these days. The
Lotus Eaters decided to turn their opponent
into an evil looking dragon so that people
wouldn't trust him and vote for the least of two
evils. This is a stratagy that goes way back to
the Nixon administration.
         "This blows," said Ezra, "And we only
had one more color to find."
         They all sat in a dark underground cell.
The walls were stone and the floor was dirt. A
huge, metal door locked them inside, and an
anti-magic feild kept them from jumping into
the astral plane.
         "I wonder who the purple is?" said
Anne.
         "I'd hope it be somethin' to compare
with that minotaur feller," said Jed, "If that's
what the Malicious Seven is like, I don't reckon
they'd be impressed by our bunch of
woodland creatures."
         They all looked around at each other.
When he put it that way, they really looked
pathetic.
         "I'm not a woodland creature," said a
voice from the darkness. They all looked to
where it came from. A match struck in the
dark corner, revealing a human in a white suit
lighting a cigarette. He had a thick beard and
dark glasses under a wide, white hat.
         "Where did you come from?" said
Xak-xak.
         "I've always been here," said the
human simply, "My name is Clancy
Rollenbagger, and if I'm not mistaken, I am
the last of your number."
         Xak-xak stepped forward and brought
out his mirror. "He's right," he reported, "His
reflection is purple."
         "Well, my good man," said Spaids, "I
hope you have some anti-anti-magic ability,
because I must say, this is not how I expected
my day to turn out."
         The human shook his head.
         "What do you do?" asked Dusty.
         Clancy shrugged.
         Xak-xak dropped to the ground
dejectedly. "It's a shame," he said, "We were
so close, too."

         Despite the very uncomfortable floor,
Ezra finally managed to get to sleep. He
dreamed that he was back in New Orc.
         "Josiah!" he was calling, "Did you find
anything down there?"
         "They're in here, somewhere," Josiah
called back at him, "It smells like drugs in
here."
         "Do you have your vest on?" Ezra
asked, "You know what they said about these
guys..."
         "I'm fine. I've got...."
         Josiah was cut off. The sound of
automatic gunfire flared up.
         "Josiah? Josiah, get out of there!
Josiah!?"
         "We'll save him!" said the electric
banana vikings, jumping on their scooters. It
was here that Ezra realized that this was a
dream, and decided to wake up.
         He found himself facing daylight. He
was laying on his back in an open field. The
rest of the Fantastic Seven was waking up
around him, except for Clancy, who was
already standing, surveying the horizon.
         "Ah, good, you're awake," he said,
"Your mounts are just over there. Shall we be
off, then?"
         "What happened?" said Ezra, wearily
getting to his feet.
         "What happened?" repeated Clancy,
"With what?"
         "How...did we get out of the dungeon?"
Ezra asked.
         "I guess that that just sort of wore off,"
said Clancy without explination, starting to the
mounts.
         Ezra and Jedadiah exchanged
glances. "What's with this guy?" Ezra said.
         There was an extra animal next to
Monday, Tuesday, Spud the Stud, and Dragon.
It was a saddled, mean-looking griffon. The
other mounts looked ill at ease around it.
Tuesday hid behind Monday, whimpering.
         "I guess that griffon belongs to you?"
Ezra said to Clancy.
         "Right," said Clancy, "I call him Lord
Mortmier."
         "I see," said Ezra as Lord Mortmier
clawed the ground irratably, snorting like an
angry bull. Clancy approached the beast and
stroaked it behind the wing.
         "Very unusual old chap, isn't he?" said
Spaids, striding up to Ezra.
         "What's that?" said Ezra, who wasn't
quite paying attention, "When my chaps get
old, theres a nice place on Io that sells good
new ones."
         "No, I mean Clancy," said Spaids, "Do
you think he's hiding something?"
         "He did get us out of the dungeon,"
said Ezra, "But on the other hand, he could
actually be the purple of the Malicious Seven."
         "What are you implying?" said Spaids,
"If their plan was to throw us in jail and bust us
out again, that seems rather daft."
         "What does daft mean, anyhow?" said
Ezra.
         "It's an adjective of some sort," said
Spaids.
         "Where to now, Xak-xak?" said Jed.
         "Well, now that we've found all seven
colors, we can call the Helios," said Xak-xak.
         "The what now?" said Dusty.
         "It's the sacrad spaceship of the
Fantastic Seven. If we're going to beat the
Lotus Eaters, we're going to need it."
         "And where do we find this , uh, sacrad
spaceship?" said Anne.
         "In Great Canyon II."

         Great Canyon II has been declared by
critics to be "Astounding...better than the
origional!" and "America's #1 comedy of the
year!" It was these comments that proved that
critics' oppinions are not as good as our own.
         "There's the canyon, right over there,"
said Xak-xak, pointing as they shot back out of
the Astral plane some hours later.
         "Oh, that thing behind the elf, there?"
said Spaids.
         "Hey, that's Josiah!" said Ezra.
         The Fantastic Seven rode up to the elf,
standing at the edge of the canyon as if
expecting them.
         "Well, if it isn't the Fantastic Seven,"
said Josiah, "Come for the Helios, have you?"
         "Josiah," said Ezra, "I want you to tell
me what happened that day in New Orc."
         "Nothing to tell, old friend," said Josiah
grimly, "But I must say, you are a bit early, are
you not?"
         "Not at all," said Xak-xak, "All members
of the Fantastic Seven have been gathered."
         "Have they?" said Josiah, striding
across their ranks. He stopped to look at
Clancy. "I hope you know that you're being
decieved."
         No one said anything. Yochimo
thought of saying something, but decided that
it would be out of character. This is a shame,
because he had a really witty remark to say,
which probably would have resolved this
entire conflict and made this story a lot easier.
         "See you around, Ezra," said Josiah. A
shimmering wall appeared behind him and
he stepped through it, fading into a mass of
silver. Ezra tried to spur Monday forward after
him, but something came out at him. First
one, then two, than eight whole heads
emerged. It was a giant, horrific hydra.
         Each of the mounts drew back
fearfully. Spaids hopped off of Dragon and
pulled out a card.
         "Queen of Hearts!" he shouted,
throwing the card at the hydra. It became a
brilliant pheonix, its great red wings glowing
like fire. It attacked the hydra with a warlike
screech.
         "I don't think that's gonna work," said
Jed, "Lookit this..."
         He pointed as the pheonix drove its
beak into one of the hydra's heads. The head
thrashed about on its neak until it broke off.
As the lost head flew down into the canyon, a
new one sprouted.
         "Don't you have anything bigger?" said
Dusty, "What does your ace card do?"
         Oh, no," said Spaids, shaking his
head, "Never use the aces."
         "Well, we've got to do something
quick!" said Ezra, "That bird's not gonna last
much longer."
         As Ezra predicted, the pheonix, having
recieved another bite from the hydra, flew back
from it, a defeated look on its face, and
dissolved back into a card. The hydra turned
each of its eight heads on the Fantastic Seven
and Xak-xak.
         "We need to get it all at once!" said
Ezra, firing upon the heads to keep them at
bay, but not doing very well.
         Jedadiah struck up his guitar. He
sang.

Looking up at your heads is making my
         neak stiff
I'd appriciate it if you would jump off a cliff
Just suck it up and jump, you'll hit the ground
         soon
Listen to my compulsive commanding tune

         The hydra froze up for a second. Each
of the heads cringed, as if trying to resist.
Several snapped into a trance-like state, but
the others resisted the song and bit the
others, jerking them back to their senses. The
song had failed.
         "I vote that we run," Jed said.
         Ezra grabbed Clancy by the shirt.
"Come on, you. You're hiding your power, and
whatever it is, it got us out of the dungeon.
GET US OUT OF THIS!"
         Clancy just starred back at him
uneasily. Ezra roared with frusteration.
"Saddle up! We'll come for the Helios later!"
         They all turned their mounts and ran
away, but Ezra noticed that Clancy was not
following. He looked around and saw him
standing, facing the hydra. Something was in
his hands. What was it?
         "What are you doing, you fool?" Ezra
called, spinning Monday around to ride back.
         All eight heads were bearing down on
Clancy, but he didn't seem to mind. Instead
he pulled back his hand and flung eight
objects, one into each of its mouthes. The
hydra gagged. Its heads reared back, wincing
horribly. The entire beast exploded in a huge
ball of flame.
         "Clancy?" called Ezra, "Clancy! All you
all right?"
         A figure stepped out of the dying flame.
He tossed his now charred cigarette away.
When Ezra rode up, he grinned uncertainly.
         "...Clem? Rattlesnake Clem?"
         "Howz doin', pointy ears?" said Clem.

Violet, the Cyclops Miner
         "This feller's the purple of the Fantastic
Seven?" said Jed.
         "You're that pyromaniac that was so
eager to blow me up!" said Ezra.
         "You're the pruk who almost killed
me!" said Dusty.
         "You're the creep who helped the
Lotus Eaters catch me!" said Anne.
         "You're the bloke from the saloon!"
said Spaids.
         "Hi," said Yochimo, extending his hand
to Rattlesnake Clem, "Yochimo is happy to
meet you." He showed this by going into full
happiness mode, which consisted chiefly of
continuing to look stern and scary.
         "Howdy," saic Clem, awkwardly
accepting the centaur's hand.
         "This cannot be," said Ezra, "You must
be part of the Malicious Seven, and Josiah is
trying to trick us with you."
         "That's what I done thought," said
Clem defencively, "But then this here cyclops
showz up, see? Ane he'z the purple of the
Malicious Seven. I done checked the Lotus
Eaterz' files and found that they knew this the
whole dang time, so I done split to find youz
guyz."
         "Can we believe him?" said Anne, after
reffering to her palm, "This is the sicko that
tried to tell me that my clothes were a fire
hazard."
         "Fire hazard?" said Jed, "I've got to
remember that one..."
         "Get your eyes off of my chest, sir."
         "There's one way to tell of Clem is one
of the Fantastic Seven," said Xak-xak, "If we
can summon the Helios, that means we have
a full number. If we cannot, then there is an
imposter among us."

         Over the dark side of the planet (which,
as we all know, is where evil people hang out
for some reason) Lord Harakath was pacing
back and forth in his chamber. Then he got
tired and decided to only pace forth. He
stopped to gaze out his window in an evil way
as his evil theme song blasted up and down
the corridors.
         A shimmering wall appeared in the
middle of the room. Josiah stepped through it
and the wall closed up.
         "I hope the hydra entertained you, my
Lord?" Josaih said, removing his hat.
         "Explosions are always fun," Harakath
admitted, "But the Fantastic Seven all survived.
And they are about to call the Helios."
         "Not a concern, Lord," said Josiah,
"I've left a little surprise for them."
         "A deadly surprise?"
         "No, that's what the cyclops is for."

         The Fantastic Seven proceeded down
into the canyon. There was a narrow horse
trail that they all followed so as to allow the
ones without flying mounts to keep up. Some
time later they reached a large region of level
ground overlooking another dip in the canyon.
Ezra rode up to the edge and looked down. It
was still very deep. Way down below he could
see a river flowing across the bottom.
         "Where's the sacrad spaceship?" he
asked, spitting over the edge.
         "Just a second..." said Xak-xak. He
dropped down off of the pegasus and began
to scan thr ground. He found a rock that he
liked and studied it for a moment, then he
pushed down on it. It rose out of the ground, a
small computer moniter rising with it.
         "Input password," said the computer.
         "Tacos," said Xak-xak.
         "Tacos?" said the computer, "What
kind of password is that?"
         "It's right, isn't it?" said Xak-xak
nervously, blowing off a cloud of steam.
         "Let me check..." said the computer,
"Good gods, it is! Don't that beat all."
         "Thank you," said Xak-xak as the
computer vanished back into the ground. A
mechanical sound issued from the ground
and seven circles of ground along the edge
turned over to reveal bright discs, each one
color of the visible spectrum.
         "If you could all stand on your
respective colors, we can start," said Xak-xak,
"Yochimo, sir, I guess you could just put your
front feet on it."
         "When will they make a glowing
colored disc for the oversized gentleman?"
said Yochimo.
         Each of the members of the Fantastic
Seven stepped up to their discs. The discs
glowed brighter, surrounding them in tall
pillars of light. Ezra reached out and found
that the edge of the light was solid.
         "Focus on transfering all of your power
into the discs," Xak-xak instructed.
         "How the yik do you do that?" said
Dusty.
         "I don't know which muscle I'ma
'sposed to flex," said Clem.
         "No, just think," said Xak-xak,
"Visualize your power flowing into the disc."
         Stop. Okay, let's review the facts. The
Fantastic Seven are all trapped in small
places, completely powerless, at the edge of a
cliff. We all know what is happening right now.
         A thundering roar erupted through the
canyon. Xak-xak spun around. Standing high
above on the horse trail was a giant. He stood
ten feet tall, six feet wide, and had one big eye
on his fat, almost pigish face. He wore
suspenders, a miner's hat with the turned up
rim in front, and carried a pickaxe. The beast
grunted and started to lumber down at them.
         "What's that?" said Anne.
         "Looks like the purple of the Malicious
Seven," said Xak-xak, reflecting his mirror at
him.
         "He don't look too bad," said Jed,
"Xak-xak, get us out of here."
         "I...can't until the procedure is
complete," said Xak-xak with a quavering
voice.
         The cyclops stopped to thrust his pick
into a boulder. He hoisted it up and flung it
down at Xak-xak, who was barely able to get
out of the way. The cyclpos continued down.
         "How quickly can we get this done?"
said Ezra.
         "Uh...uh..." Xak-xak stammered, wary
of any other boulders, "Well, we've covered the
magical aspect of the calling, now there's just
the mechanical aspect. I need to find the
keyhole..."
         "Oil Slick," said Ezra, "I hoped I would
never have to say this, but you're the only one
who can save us now."
         Xak-xak paniced and scuttled off to the
side, out of the way of the cyclops, franticly
searching for a keyhole. The cyclops ignored
the little robot and stepped up to the Fantastic
Seven. He lifted his pickaxe and tried to bring
it down on Dusty, but it bounced off of the pillar
of light.
         "Oh, good," said Ezra, "He can't get at
us."
         "I hope he doesn't go for the mounts..."
said Anne.
         The cyclops roared with anger. He
took a step back and thrust his pickaxe into
the ground before him. A huge crack formed.
         "He's gonna drop us into the canyon!"
said Jed.
         This appeared to be the giant's plan.
He continued to chop at the ground, more and
more cutting the Fantastic Seven off from the
rest of the cliff. The ground shifted. They were
about to fall.
         "Stop!" yelled Xak-xak, flinging a stone
at the cyclops. It struck him right in the head.
He looked around at the robot, who suddenly
looked a lot less brave than a moment before.
         "You'll..." said Xak-xak, "You'll have to
deal with me first!"
         The cyclops sighed, rolling his eye.
He turned and began towards Xak-xak.
         "Okay," said Xak-xak, walking
backwards, "What do I do now, Mr.
Ammakon?"
         "Do what you're best at!" said Ezra,
"That can get you out of anything!"
         "That's easy for you to say," said
Xak-xak, "You're a supernatural gun slinger,
I'm a..."
         He ducked his head down as the
cyclops stood over him, holding up his pickaxe
to strike. He shot off a blast of steam.
         "Argugh!" howled the cyclops. Xak-xak
looked up, seeing the monster with his hands
on his face. The steam had scalded his huge,
delicate eye. He stumbeled about blindly,
reaching into his pocket to pull out a small
electronic device. He pressed a button on it.
In seconds, a flying saucer shot from the sky
and zapped him up.
         "Curse you, Fantastic Seven!" boomed
the voice of Lord Harakath as the saucer
blasted back into space.
         "Great, Oil Slick!" said Ezra, "Now find
that keyhole so we can get out of these
things."
         Xak-xak dug through the brush and
came across a partially rusted keyhole. He
took out the key that he had been saving
through the whole adventure and stuck it in to
turn. The ground rumbled. A loud mechanical
noise was heard. Out of the canyon rose a
thick saucer, a great steel juggernaut of a
spaceship. It hovered in the air, giving a
whirring sound. It turned its front towards
them. Printed across the edge were the
words "Helios 7".
         "Hey, Clem," said Ezra, approaching
the bandit after they were released from their
pillars of light, "I guess you really are with us."
He extended his hand. "Glad to have you
aboard."
         Clem looked at the elf's hand and
turned his head to spit. "Yup," he said, taking
his hand. Together they walked up the ramp
into the Helios.
         "We truely are outside the law, now."

         Lord Harakath took a sip of Lotus
wine. He placed down his glass and looked
up at the people and things standing there.
Josiah, Rusty Fair, Steamer Sam, Big Bad
One-Eyed Pete the cyclops, and Bomber
McSmash, the new baron of Venus. All
solomly awaited his words.
         "The Fantastic Seven have the Helios,"
he said. All present bowed their heads.
"Baron of Venus, how are things on your end?"
         "The Venusian society is young and
week. The whole planet will be molded to
your will before long."
         "Very well. Red, I'll have no more
failures from you."
         "Yes, my lord."
         "And what happened to that 'surprise'
of yours?"
         Josiah shifted uneasily. "Rusty used
his knife to carve 'Fantastic Seven Stinks' on
the wall of the canyon, but I guess they didn't
see that."
         "Shame," said Harakath, "That would
have been funny."

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