Seething Emptiness

Seething rage ebbing beneath a placid sea
I drift,
a vagrant in search of a soul
The knives have cut deep gouging away bits of sanity
I only want what I do not have,
Have never possessed,
but believed was mine.

It is gone,
an illusion eternally out of reach.
I ache with the emptines of chasing it's shadow.
A violet sunset bleeds reflection on the surface of a placid sea
No one hears my scream

6 November 1990

11 December 2002

When I read this tonight I found myself weeping. With my most recent spiritual growth I read something into this poem I never saw before. I saw the lie I had allowed myself to believe and I felt that total despair that had inspired this writing so long ago.

Someone some time ago, asked me what is the illusion eternally out of reach.? When I wrote this, the illusion was love and enduring companionship. But I see something else entirely at this point in my life. I had lost all hope and faith and my world was full of anger, grief and despair. I had closed the Lord from my life and I was empty.

The final line, No one hears my scream., reflects the depths of my empiness. I am literally saying I do not believe God knows of my anguish. Of course, this was never true and I know that now. What was really happening, that I felt such deep despair, was that I would not allow myself to feel God's love around me and I was not hearing his Word through my own screams.