Poetic Insanity, too

Poetry By Committee

Who is the Committee? We don't know and if we did, we wouldn't tell!

These lines come from an In & Out item called Poetic Insanity. There you can enter the ending of a line of previous poetry (we use the term poetry loosely) and enter the first part of another line, of which someone other than yourself will complete. If you would like to participate in this living poem, please visit the site. Here is the location.

ID: 283804   (Rated: 13+) Poetic Insanity  Complete the previous line and enter part of a new line of poetry... by Writer of the Winds

The "..." in the lines of poetry indicate the separation of what each writer contributed.

And now....Poetic Insanity

Book I

Ah, Spring, when every young man's fancy turns to...reality
And the ground lusts for…cow manure,
But isn't it so ladies who always carry...mud,
That which is lusted by…not very bright people,
All hail to you, bright...light bulbs,
Which give light unto...the urges of youth,
Wanton wishes, left to self-conscious maniac…depressive ways,
That will alter…my destiny,
Which will eventually cause widgets to frim-fram in the…moonlight,
But hark what light window doth…follow upon the muted lights of a runaway
Ah, blast! What does "doth"…mean!
Oh well, now I think I'll go...eat,
For food fills my brain, and that's…when I know
I've eaten too much...straw,
Which upsets the delicate temperament of my delicate little...delicate thing,
Which is so delicate it...must be handled with supreme delicacy, and
It must be something like that other delicate thing that...I threw away.
Oh horror of horrors, I should not have…
Clowns to arrive and rejoice them with...games and songs
And tales of derring-do that...were forever told around the campfires
That melted the ice on their…shiny little Pekineses,
Creating the worst kind of...rash, that spread quickly through the penguin community,
Even until it reached their...head penquin who hated rashes so much
That he hired a bunch of...hairless cats who loved to eat steel-wire rats
Slow-cooked in…chicken broth to feed him a delicy
That was made in the house of…Iamawinner,a megalomaniac
Who wrote "DOVE'S SPEECH" n wanted to create a new form of…Government for the World Without Words
Until his stenographer stops him and says..."Great Scott Jim, I'm a stenographer, not a Doctor!
If you can't say something nice then... go eat a live cow!" he said, but was not understood
Because of a sudden out burst of...phaser energy. so
He said...”Typhlosion,”
which quickly drowned all the world in a...Madonna concert tour,
When she suddenly...fell over dead and was practically covered by fans
Trying to grab...her, to burn her at a large funeral pyre
And party session in the...Casbah, which rocked and rolled
And fell atop a wicked witch with red striped songs.
A young girl found her and said shocked to her little dog, "I don't think we're in...the way of anybody here, do you, Flotsie?"
To which Flotsie replied with a wag of her left ear and said, "As if we care, sheesh, Humans are so...obsessive over trivial nonsense,

Book II

"I mean really!" Flotsie sputters as she licks her...I read the record of lodoss war
And decided that even though I won the wounds of my friends may never heal!…Flotsie sputters as she licks her
"Good thing you're not one of them. Boy if the humans ever found out you were a... Pink butterfly-like cheerio-eating...
His list contained food items and furniture instead of…a list of stamps he needed to get
For his extensive bird-tounge stamp collection…which had previously been traded to him
By the earl of dungwich for a…pet vegetarian dragon, and 3 magical beans
Which would grow to be…Eh...about yay high. Knee high to a grasshopper.
But what he neglected to mention was the grasshopper in question was... really the King of Ghalir in disguise
Who wanted to...marry the wicked witch whom he believed to be both alive
And a Good Witch as he needed to...have someone to keep his more shady parts
In line from ever appearing in front of the…picture window,where
The nosy neighbours parked their lawn chairs to... get front row seats for the life of that illustrious grasshopper king,
Which must be avoided at all costs or else the hideous truth will finally become publicized...in a Stories.Com Journal
And read aloud at the Stories.Com...Convention, where too many authors to count are going to have fun,
Get to know each other, and surprisingly...a few poor ones will not get to go
And they will cry silently beside the kind, wise, and beautiful...frugal ants
Marching in a line beneath the throne of eros…who gave
The poor authors the chance to…strip down to just their loin clotnhes
And have the battle of battles, while writing the worst campfire known to man,
Offending the great... Zeus, who tried to strike the entire Stories.com server
But was stopped by…the fervent prayers of faithful midget-tossing, zombie-stomping guerrila scribes
At the Stories.com convention in the holy chamber known as...the water closet,
Where the sounds of waste evacuation…can be heard for miles around,
The sound ceases just before...the crack of dawn,
But begins again...just after dusk, when the townspeople are all
Gathering for the…Barmitsvah of the oldest unladden goat
In all the village of the...one eyed, one horned, flying purplr PICKLE (:P) eater,
Who shouted..."Thar she blows! Look to the starboard! Man the harpoons! It's a big'un!" But then there was a loud…
Matterhorn, whose frosty peaks tantalized even the most grizzled…firemen of Watachooga.
But, on the other hand, a mere pittance of...a wagging dog's tail,
On a day when...life barked.
Whoever let the dogs out, please step forward and receive your…just reward,
A lifetime supply of pickles. Eat them in good health and make sure you

Book III

Hang garlic outside your door so the…leprechauns won't come on Halloween! But you'll have to be careful of those...gingerbread men, who like
To throw big, heaping piles of…green jello at houses
Painted...by western European Modernists.
The only talent they have is at...swing dancing and proof-reading
Which they only do because...their cat is curled up on the sports page,
Which they want to read, due to the incredible picture of...a very cute football player,
Who’s name is unknown due to the cat's...addiction to cat nip.
So they took him to rehab with...the neighbor's llama,
Who at at the time, was planningto take over the world but can't
Because of his dehabilitating...addiction
To the taste of a special frog called..."Special" who's long tongue will leave a line of drool on his counter,
Which tastes EXACTLY like...marshmallow covered pickles,
But only the ones from...Uyganda
I won't tell you how I know that. Aaaaaaaaaanyways...
The llama's plans were going well, when he his a snag in his 'Omega Ray M.7 cannon' prototype,
And so he…danced on his ears until his brains came timble-tumbling out,
which inspired...trash the woods, with red balls bouncing,
Open up your life you...brain eating commie neofeminist....
Tickling down your spine, heavy beads of...rancid peanut butter
Used to start fires in the forests of...oregano! Mm, and something like that
Sounds good, like a…nutty salad, that only the turkey vultures would eat,
Except for...that guy Jared who does subway commercial, because eating nothing but sandwiches has made him really hungry
For...cotton candy ice cream and hot buttery popcorn, a big no-no for Jared,
And for...me because I only eat olives
And...pickle-sprouts (an odd organic food).
Meanwhile, bouncing over puddles...Had been banned by local law enforcement,
Which resulted in many...electric fences electrocuting me
Until I would bleed like a...sweaty pig, who has so much...to offer another pig
It's saddly...and downright immoral--especially when turkey was available
For making that delicious recipe for…tuna fish surprise, yes the surprise is
No tuna fish, just turkey, which was raised in...in a chicken hut instead of a turkey hut
Which led to some confusion until...chicken tycoon, Frank Perdue, yodeled these words of explanation:
"I'm really a woman", which left everybody...wondering if they were too,
But then the great puma of grandian falls told them he was really a...Republican Senator from Rhode Island,
Who studied nuclear photography with...an atom bomb, where he threw it out of planes and photographed the act,

Book IV

While people were...sunbathing, smack dab
In the middle of...winter,
Without wearing any...plastic pants the color of...overripe cantaloupe,
Which is almost as bad as...killing chickens when you've only got a...weed-eater with a short string.
But that's another story I'll have to tell later when...All of a sudden a purple cow started to bounced on the...dwarfs head,who squeaked, "I'm not as dwarfy as you think!"
Which left many onlookers...to say, "Oh yeah! Suuuuuuuure!
And If you're not a dwarf, my name is…Mrs. tinklebee,
But you can call me...Ray, or you can call me Jay
Or you can call me...Johnny Cash, because I dress in black
And carry a...HUGE stick for bashing in....ice creams
Filled with...re-fried beans,
That go delightfully with...fritters dipped in blue applesauce,
But only if I drink...the red wine
Of a diamond goblet, halo over…paws who used his groin cup as a scratching board
the back door,
For over the front is a...poster from a 1980's Pat Benatar concert, where he met his one true love,
A beautiful young woman named...Willamena,
But that's really an alias for...Bartha,who sold doughnuts from her house
Made of the freshest...Gingerbread, she was really
From the fairytale...land of xanadubia,
Near the country of...Spain, known not only for bullfighting
But also...men in pink underwear
Listening to the hard rock stylings of...Tom Jones, especially his duet
With Opera-singing sensation...Roseanne (of Star Spangled Banner fame)
Who is nuttier than a Pay Day bar eaten at the end of a seven course meal consisting of… hot dogs and Jim Morrison,
A man known widely for his strange use of...peach marmalade and egg whites,
While disguised as...Susan Lucci, famed soap actress
Who made her debut on...04-17-02 @ 4:53pm with five fingers and three teeth.
A blown up picture of her face lead to the destruction of...all the chickens, Turkeys, puddle laws and anyone famous,
So of course all the mags based on stars just went out the window and the country...which was previously under a no liquor law,
Sold lots of...cigarettes instead,
But at least it wasn't marijuana, cocaine, ecstasy or...those little drinks with the umbrellas.
They are so addicting to...anyone with fetishes for pretty things.
So beware of decorated drinks and...bringing mice near elephants,
Last time that happened...Antonio Banderas actually sang well, and
Madonna finnaly learned to...dance.

Book V

Has anyone seen my...amazing technicolor dreamcoat?
In the middle of...winter,
It was red and yellow and green and brown and...ripped right up the front
And down the...back was a big stain
From...where it got buried deeper than I.
My brothers did that because...the previously mentioned Mrs. Tinklebee instructed them to do so, but in following typical drag queen behavior,
She...painted portraits of presidents on her toenails,
And then demonstrated silly walks around the...public library,
Where the police were investigating a bizarre homicide of a midget who was killed by a...green giant
Who had an addiction to vegetables, green vegetables, and perhaps green fruit, which only would account for...his yellow teeth and his purple urine
On his loin cloth which was made from peels of the ripest bananas from the Asian country of...Chapanoglia.
The footprints suggested that it was a case of missing...wine glasses.
According to the coroner, the midget died of a single...stabwound to the groin area
Resulting in...a small packet of midget eating jellybeans chewing his nose off
And throwing it...at a man with blue hair called Bill
Who had a...swollen pinky finger
Due too little slaming in the door to...raise his consciousness of The Swartz,
Which we all know is a little...bald man named Alvin who doesn't vote,
Just complains about...the kids these days
And how they always...eat those nutra-grain bars
And burp the...gas from the coca cola, which is better than farting,
Like from beans and...hot chocolate flavored jelly beans
Which go good with...pita bread which has been soaked over night
In rancid...dill pickle juice
Which was a year older than the the wine from...Mother Hubbard's cupboard.
Why, she didn't even have…a pint of soured goats milk,
Used to make...sour goat cheese, well all goat cheese is sour
When...sent to Maldon High School for sewing classes.
All they do there is sit and pick their...teeth, wait can cheese sew?
Makes no sense but it does at the same time, because...we're all insane here.
Well all of us except the old...before the shipment is sent to Maldon,
Little appendage-making fairies give them arms, but sometimes they goof up and give them...tails, which they use to swat
At little gnats flying around their...piles of elephant dung,
Which are really army bases for...ants, fighting against crickets, like in the movie Antz,
Because...everything that's cute has to be evil
And anyway they've been killed now by...lady bugs.
Who would have thought that those cute little things that smell so bad when they're dead would...come to life

Book VI

And dance the "Macarena" on Broadway to a massive audience of...hermit crabs.
That was a spectacle of grandest…proportion, literally.
The ladybugs were humongus, while the hermit crabs were tinier than...Calista Flockheart,
Who eats only ice cubes and...celery, but she barely eats celery because it's fatty and gets stuck in her teeth,
eats it, it won't be attractive, even though she loves corn,
But sometimes she will eat...green peas, as long as they are boiled,
And not…fried in car grease, which is a meal more prefered by Marlin Brando
And...that dude from duece bigalo,
Which inspired lots of teens in the town of...rancho-cucamongo to start rollin up their dirty socks and smokin them,
Resulting in...barefoot boys and girls
Walking upside down in the rain under the...immense canopy of trees
That shelter both man and...Elvis impersonators who were playing their guitars
And yodeling to Sam Whitman songs while…snogging each other's noses,
Deliciously slurping up...coca-cola slurpies
That were starting to drip stickiness down...just like you always coming down on me,
Something I’ll never understand is the way you…can't see that piece of brocoli stuck between your teeth,
But anyways...broccoli is the least of your worries,
Because the guy in the cubical next to you is trying to catch a glimpse of your...lemon meringue pie,
With its mounds of luscious…mashed carrots, just like mama used to make,
Except she would add a pinch more of...salt,
Because only the visa card holders think "the soup is too salty" but...most of the rest of us
Put our heads in…trash bags and dance the tango with wild horses,
A tradition started by...some very drunk people
While they were having a brain-storming session, trying to find a better way to...lick the last bits of cake frosting
Before throwing the empty container all the way to...Kalamazoo, singing
"Where have all the cowboys...put their horses?"
The horses in question went missing after the huge...rock fell from out of the window at the no-okay saloon,
Crushing...millions of innocent grilled cheese sandwiches.
The tragedy sparked a riot and subsequent civil war in...Kitty’s saloon
Where all her girls screamed...and cajoled with barn owls,
Taking them out to get a drink of…hot chocolate spiked with tequila, which is considered a delicacy in Phoenix,
Because all the...Glen-Campbell-impersonating teddy bears who are paranoid enough to think that Elvis is alive, well,
And married to…circus clowns from Florida

Book VII

And does tricks with elephants but watch…out, because Elvis is actually
A trainer of handicapped elephants now because...elephants are just so cute in blue suede shoes,
Especially when...they are a bit tiffed from those
Jail-house...jigs, just like the movie
Where the prisoners danced with the...voodoo dolls from Boston with wigs
Made of the finest...gold strains and braided streaks of ruby red
With...Neddals going through them and people beat their dolls with knives
While crying out "you lied to be you son of...a feathered boa!
Grr, how I hate wrapping…my legs around your throat
When we wrestle or play...blind man's bluff in the minefields,
The explosions really ruin my...day!
So why don't we play it instead in...a cave where bats bite you until you bleed a lot
And scream for...your neo-feminist grandfather,
Who has a problem...with turtles, because they ate his parents when he was a mere child of thirty.
When he sees a turtle he...HE PEES HIS PANTS AND BREAKS OUT IN RED BUMPS AS HE PICKS HIS NOSE
DRIVING HIS MOPED TO...Botswana where the great white sharks
Always seem to…eat, I mean, greet people warmly with a handshake
And a firm...stalk of celery, which is great
For dipping in...odd items in the fridge
And...drinking week old milk,
But only if the cows...are drinking chocolate milk and vanilla cookies
With...grape-colored swans,
Shaped like effervescent…poodles,
Eating pink colored...hot-puppies, better known as butter flavored pancakes,
Eaten by the famous...Adolph Hitler impersonator known only to his friends as Norris,
Ever since he was...fired as the over weight Elvis impersonator at the Dew Drop Inn Patio Lounge
In downtown...Timbuktu, where the fountain in the center of the town square
Spouts...crisco and lemon juice, a fine combination especially when you're in need of
A good...shower on the run.
And always remember to wash behind...your ears, especially if you’re an elephant, and brush your tusks
With...meringue,
Since it'll give them a nice, lustrous…skin condition, which could only be cured
By scratching with...chickens.
How quickly and quietly and cluckingly, they...inspect each other's bottoms
As the yellow dung beetles bake in the...sun,
While the chickens turn into fried chicken and buffalo...wings of humungous proportions.

Book VIII

But then again, that's typical of chickens from...Canada.
And if you eat it then you'll...die from spiciness,
Because hot sauce makes you...think you're a small purple frog
From t'ir na n'og, land of the…mentally infected and home to Spiffy,
The mysterious magical...ferret, which looks like a big rat and a cat, very different animals?
No and...then you start spinning in circles
And repeating the word..."Megahertz!", which is fine for those of us interested in improved relative application performance,
But not of much interest to those concerned with...baking cookies,
Smelling fresh with that perfect hint of…nuthatch, which is a really a bird,
You should get one, they're great for...companionship and will keep you entertained for hours
Trying to impress you with…its rendition of show tunes and
and snappy comebacks
Reminding us of why...Liza Minelli sat on that pin and deflated.
It was because she...consumed a walrus composed in fluff;
It had look so moist and tender she couldn't...ignore the surging veins in my arms, instead mistook them for a sign of affection
And then…got out her whips, chains, handcuffs,
and other kinky items such as a cooking-oil-greased…pigs,
Who danced jigs during her gigs and...and sang the lovely ballad "I Want To Be Your Soggy French Fry"
From the hit Broadway musical...rubber baby buggy pushers, the soulful show about drug dealers
Who spend their Saturdays going to...kiddie matinees where they sit in the balcony
To throw popcorn down on sweethearts who threaten to…convulse, do speed.
Then beat the hell out all of those dweebs…but the guy who runs the film, Larry,
A misfigured ex-circus clown, returns fire with...a handcranker special loaded lizards
And…reptiles and the ill famous Molly the crocodile
Who does not...look very useful for luggage,
But with her tail can...paint reproductions of Hans Muller's, the Nazi artist, painting of the Hiney brothers, Big Red and Thor.
However, Molly had a handicap that...caused her to belch toxic gas
That created...giant jello green clouds
That circled around her...left arm, which was garbed in a brown paper bag from...Loblaws
With elastics firm around the…wrist, yet one claw still poked through making a scratch pattern on the floor
That looked vaguely like a...rodenderon,
But surely not because...bug,

Book IX

With a ugly big fat...ring around his finger thrust it into the air and yelled "One Ring to Rule them all",
Then passed out on the for looking like...a sad, sad prairie dog, standing on his hind legs, looking far and wide for the dreaded killer jack rabbit and the evil Bambi.
Then he shouted the warning that sounded like..."Gurf!"
Then a boy came over and stood there doing...absolutely nothing
As he was in complete...remission
From damning contrition left to...(whaat?) molly the crocodile, my creation, to clean up all the dishes
After the big...Cinco de Mayo celebration, where we used aluminum softball bats to beat the huge piñata,
Shaped like the head of...Crocodile,
Which had Molly so upset she...pulled out a transistor radio, a paperclip, a rubber band, a foot of duct tape, a #3 pencil eraser and a hair pin
And ingeniously made a...three-masted schooner to rescue the castaways on Gilligan's Island.
Now to find a map she could...have a stuttering problem,
Which always seemed to happen right about when…she thought thought of that gorgeous Gilligan.
But no matter, it was time for her to...sail away
And see what she could do to...get a killer whale to bite her foot off to finally get it to stop itching,
Which would finally allow her to concentrate on...reading War and Peace, but we know she'll give up because
That book is...being banned for not having enough innuendo or sexual related subjects
Involving...pot-bellied pigs,
Which are notorious for their nasty habit of...dancing in church. Dancing is not the problem but the loud oinking when they see someone sleeping.
One time Cooshaw, king of the pot-bellied pigs, said..."Slap me in the oven and call me roast! I think preacher fell asleep!"
And then he pointed at...that ugly man
That always steals from the collection plate, sitting next to...the crumbling statue of Mary,
Bacon is my favorite…party favor,
And the king of Istanbul is a...tyrant who loves to cannibalize while eating pig's
tongues and laughing to himself.
And wouldn't you know, that this is also the kind of person to…push little children in front of speeding snails while torturing them with music from the eighties
Boil cockatoos and galahs with garlic and rosemary to feed to his slaves who
dye his hair blue and clip the talons of his hobo-eating...fish that dances the cha cha cha on tables in strip bars and plays eighties music

Book X

While...yelling, "Ich bin Deutcher", yet
It's obvious he is Portuguese by the color of his...boxer shorts, which are red and green
And have the Portuguese crest emblazoned on the...behind, yet
Strangely it still had a certain dignity because...it doesn't like dancing alone.
In fact it has some strange...dance steps that include standing on his big toe and yelling "YEE HAW!"
However, it is a little know fact that he is...a brit!!! Who would have thought- he’s such a good impersonator-
Actually he does awesome impersonations of...Kirsty MacColl, especially when he sings "In These Shoes",
Which sounds especially funny since he's wearing...black socks which are worn through where each toenail pokes out to view the world,
And oddly the toenails are painted...red and white, to show that really, he was Canadian - not Brit, nor Portuguese.
Now if you pulled his mustache/beard thing hard enough...to the right, find
You will, reveal...a large egg, speckled orange,
That shakes when you...jump on his toes. So I recommend that
The next time...you jump on his toes; also take the time to jump on his egg because-
Can you keep a secret? Its a...an alien, only on their planet men have the children,
Don't...ya know,
While women pee while standing at the urinals that are located…in sycamore trees where you climb to the third limb and stand on your head to use them.
Nevertheless, thousands of people come to observe the annual...air show, displaying all the new flying saucer technology
And...they would climb into the flying saucers, to see if they could learn to fly them.
Once they had that info, they would...try to take over the world from the currently ruling Anteaters
Who have their capital in...Daytona Beach where they spent their time ogling the topless bathers
And shopping in the local leather sex shop for…bondage materials to captivate the nation with, making them easier to capture,
But for the rest they had...black plastic handcuffs and orange rubber whips to subdue the cats
And their...strange owners- then, -sigh- they will go on a journey never experienced by anyone but them- to their planet zifnockle
Where their leader...hopelessly captivated by all this paraphernalia and morphed into a poodle dog.
Unbeknownst to his subjects he enjoyed...P&J sandwiches in his spa with a glass of red wine with green grapes- but that’s not all!
He also...liked Daytona Beach so much that he decided to go back for more.

Book XI

As he strode down the beach in his...blue suede shoes, holding a pair of zircon encrusted tweezers in his hand,
Everyone thought he was...picking his nose.
But really, he was picking the sneezklies from...his nose hairs.
Sneezklies are parasites known to attach themselves to nose hairs and...eat away people's brains who enjoy things like this
And who also do idiotic things like...put on his favorite saddle oxford shoes and socks and run naked through Kroger touching as many fresh fruits and veggies as possible in 90 seconds,
A hobby that has...swept the countries of Canada, Portugal and Britain,
But not...Iraq, because SoDamn Insane rules there, and he insists that his citizens join him in another kind of recreation
Which is wearing nothing but a dirty diaper and…a pork chop around your neck so that neighborhood dogs will give you some attention,
Granted the diapers give rashes and...animal hair cause wheezes,
But animals have...the same problem with Insane,
Because his looks send them running for the trees south of...the Mississippi river where all the Dutch dam boats go through, and that’s where the dogs hitch a ride,
But as there's washerwomen on board, they get…their fleas washed away.
Which really sucks for the fleas, because then they get…lice themselves, and they scratch and scratch
And yell...hallelujah, ouch and "what is going...on here?! They float down the river only to be caught up on cows’ legs who are wading among other things,
Which are black and white and owned by...Bill Gates, the other computer guru,
Who is working to corner the market with...a fuzzy mouse that talks back.
His other unusual idea is to take...3 bottle rockets, a coffee can, a needlepoint set and a Sony Walkman to create a replica of the Eiffel Tower,
Which everyone says is...an impossible task to complete with the assistance of mild mannered reporter Clark Kent of the Planet Newspaper
Who at this very moment...is typing away at his keyboard
And placing a call to.....his physician trying to locate
A chill...wheel to become the paddlewheel on his miniature riverboat for his fuzzy mouse to pilot.
However, the fuzzy mouse suddenly decides to straddle a bottle rocket and...fly away with a tiny violin hanging from his tail
And…snarkfue, whose wings are almost bald and also likes to bathe in
the rancid vats of pickle juice
Held in great honor by...his ears. They are purple with polka dots.
They do it up right there and that nose could stop...a volcano's lava from running rampant
Down...traffic because it wears an orange vest and blows a whistle.

Book XII

The screech of the whistle, serves to remind us of...all people get to play in the traffic. It's kewl dude, and why not homey.
Take a little time to smell the...trashy thingies in your garden?
Afterward, you could...baloney. But that's ok and that's all right because,
I am a bit daffy and you're a bit...wacky,
So both go hand in hand so...bite your lip
And pick your nose and...always remember that anything goes
"The kingdom for a dime!" was what he said, but we all know he meant...A dime we spent, just a minor dent,
But...he knew he had to earn the rent.
So off he went to...the general store where me happened upon a wild boar who asked him for the baseball scores,
Which were...up and down like the yoyo of a clown, yeah,
A clown dressed in green, with a face ....of a mace. With hair as tangled as
a three-legged Cyclops in an abstract sort of way,
Yet all the while...he kept grinning that crazy smile.
He walked for a mile and then...he stopped and said where was.
Walking again, and who...was that masked man!
It was like a turnip with a glaze of…fine silver,
Twisting and turning as it dreams of the...underground turnip railroad,
Saving...The silver,
For a sliver of...that fine apple pie.
He liked it a' la' mode, don't cha know, and...those drinks
With the little umbrellas, sent directly from...Umbrellata, a small island in the South Pacific, where the natives worship a rusting flamethrower left over from WWII which they claim is a sleeping dragon,
All the while...that dragon is adding, because they say he was mad that day
And so...he does long division in his head and calculus while he eats dinner.
Dinner normally consists of…6 chocho's, a piece of toast, a cocktail with an umbrella and a stick of jerky on the side but you should see his tea!
It was blue and green and yellow and red and purple from the country of...Ula Ula just off the continent of Asia in the fourth Latitude of Lumbar
Where the native girls are actually guys who dress up in their ceremonial...muu-muus for the upcoming Luau.
While they are there, they will beat the drums and also...live la vida loco all the while a little bird runs down the street yelling, "The sky is falling, ya know!"
The natives refer to the bird as a...a big fat spam making machine
Used for the people in...in Mississippi where Spam is a delicacy served on crackers with RC cola, turnips and creamed rutabagas.

Book XIII

Bubba of The Whine & Cheese Co, makes Spam in seven flavors among which are...bar be que, and the ever popular bubble gum, which doesn't taste like bubble gum at all, but say that so kids will eat it.
It really tastes like...turpentine that has been put through the grind, 'moonshined', but never you mind,
It has been left to...the elements to 'mature' just tastes worse, but all the better to help the natives in their ceremony im becoming alligator men like they do in some other islands,
where the women...tand on their heads in the moonlight in hopes that the great stork will come and roost on their toes,
Which according to native customs, will ensure she'll have a strong girl child who will...grow up to resent her mother ever standing on her head so will go and catch the stork herself,
But then no children can be delivered unless...stork is offered the third flavor of spam from the Whine & Cheese Co., which is called Almond Jalepeno,
But oddly tastes more like...bubble gum, because they alone have made a product other than the great chewing food that actually tastes like it,
But their pimento loaf, unfortunately, tastes like...squishy human waste,
Which is actually a delicacy in...in the mind realms of some, who for no other reason than a wish to 'space out',
Have conjured up the idea that...Texas is a large state when in fact it is located between Rhode Island and Delaware and contains only one town,
However President George Double-U Bush claims...regal dominion. Although when he is on his ranch and working with the animals
And Gorbachev comes to visit...’make no mistake, we will hunt them down' and then gives a frown,
Cos...he feels so down.
The horses, cows, and chickens on the ranch then feel like...they are in a trance,
For the time cometh...when chicken toes are tasty
And cows give green...horns the willies.
But these are special cows they moo to the tune of...oops, I did it again, then make up their own lyrics whenever they go into the milking shed
Which actually saves the farmer money from not having the radio on but try and shut them up again...and they will snort and call you a cad
While dancing on your hat which they have thrown...onto the mat and bawl at the moon
Which is...Spamsville a spammy spammy sort of place
Which, contrary to popular belief, is not green, because...the spam hasn't molded yet
Due to the past five years of...the heat has killed all the grass and other vegetation, leaving as a crusty brown color
That...matches all decor and fashionable wearings,
But does absolutely nothing to improve upon the...personalities or moods of the good happy people who travel by stage coach

Book XIV

To shop in the town of...Bora Bora, outside of Angora.
Where small children huddle to…keep warm by the fire and play on the wires,
So hot with desire and...bogged down in the mire, like a drunken town crier,
Roasting pigs on the fire...while the choir sing up in the church spire,
Oh how I admire...those who read the paper,
From a skyscraper…the clowns on the wire! Except for the one who looks like he got too much sun,
The one whose teeth...won't stay inside, because he eats too much crackers and dropsy snide, however his breath smells like formaldehyde,
Which means...she should stop sucking on toads. Unless they are kicking, which means that tomorrow,
The frogs will...turn into Venus Flytraps, snapping at me with their
wiry little teeth all the while staring at me with their beady little "all knowing" eyes,
But I'll show them when I...douse them in gasoline and ignite they're little gonads
Causing them to…break out singing "there's gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight,"
Meanwhile there's Gailey bringing hot chocolate for all the spectators who are...all there to visit Tornado Day's freak show,
Which has in it's cast this year is the fantabulous...Hairless Sasquatch named "Peep" and his dancing monkey "Jo Jo", who does a funky dance called the...
moo, moo,
The monkey thinks he’s a...big ole pile of squash, lightly seasoned
And served with flambéed...but smells like dead fish. And in the back there is a convention
Where the highlight is about authors who…are called Starrs ask questions about eyeballs popping out while little David plays his tuba in the half time show trying to revisit his past
Because...he forgot where he put his ba-ba. Someone found it and sent it to...
a little old lady in Pasadena because the "voices" in their head like to sing beach boys tunes,
A psychological condition called...old man bad band psychosis, and you just know
This is the fault of...growing up in an era of sex, drugs and fantastic rock-n-roll.
From there life’s contradictions whirled you...into a life of powerpuff girls and chocolate Easter bunnies.
But you should never combine the two when...you are entrusted to watch small children on a school night
For...their parents who are out rock'n'drug'n'rolling, but at least you get your homework done,
Which is not fun…so you grab a gun that shoots eyeballs out of it because it's fun
And it confuses the…neighbor's dog, because he loves popcorn and trigonometry, which you have in abundant supply,

Book XV

While watching...the writer, but then again the parents left some drugs for the writer who is talking...through the window at the writer next-door,
And together they will...with mischievous laughter wage a war against each other with limericks as their only weapons leaving a wasteland of balled up paper between their two houses at it's end,
Which...contains
All the wordities, absurdities, non-conformities, abnormities, maladjustments, maladjustments, non-alignments of every phrase and sentence ever...known to man, woman and child.
Oh it is WILD! Join one and all in the crudities…or as Hans Solo said, "Pull out your blaster and blow them away!"
Enough of this mumbo jumbo force be with you and another thing...never play poker with an aardvark
For he will...always have at least two aces of spades and one ace of diamonds tucked away in his snout,
All the while...Stealing your money off the table when you look away,
So don't...ever play with pickle sandwiches either. Especially bread and butter,
Because then the chipmunks say...watch where the pickle chip land, 'cause that is where you'll find the smoke house band.
But mostly we ignore the chipmunks because...they drink too much wine, which suits them just fine,
And they call out your name...really loud and form a crowd,
Then, with their little teeth...they'll only eat beef,
Though they hide their fleas under the slices of cheddar cheese...and put on you the blame, but,
Hey, it's all the same because they...think it's funny that you eat garlic with your chocolate.
They also laugh at you because…they know that you wear your underwear upside-down and
You show your rear all over town...but hey, what else are you going to do
When you have had too much...joking about chipmunks in one evening while failing to mention their fine cousins the squirrels,
Who...hoard plastic nuts and fruits, imitation corn chips, broken down spatulas and microwave ovens and
Then mid-winter complain about the…cost of ice cream at the local grocery store
Where they...advertise local ho-downs that are held in farmer browns barn
Which everyone attends and has a jooly pop and organic chicken burger with their…tour around the town. But, alas, there sounds a beat that gets folks to their feet and
Hallelujah they all get down to a...fine musical treat, played by the chickens with banjos. You can't get much better than the chickens in leather, so come on and
tickle my rear with a feather,
The crazy lady sang, but...cheese was not in season at the time.

Book XVI

Apparently, the cows, goats and sheep all decided to go to…Oudacyte for the erudite, cryptonite might be right, sure helps to ease the blight,
But then suddenly in the night...there was a fight as they strived for the light, and with all their might,
They...sat on a radioactive hamster while singing "I wanna hold your hand," so they found the light after all-they glowed in the dark-and,
As a result, began to...go to every forum I can think of to say...THANKS for the costumicon,
Whoever you are! What fun…to flow along the Avalon, on down stream past the Mafia Don who secretly drew his gun, bye bye Sweet Avalon,
Until there is...nothing left this very day,
'Cept a cow, a sheep and a bail of hay...and in the bale of hay I found a coconut, a porcupine and something round,
But what it is I cannot tell...although it weighs just short a pound.
That porcupine did hurt a bit...but, it beat the smack out of that cow that the squirrel had broken up with,
Because the cow had...unleashed hell, a frightful smell that everyone involved could tell
Came forth from its…left ear,
Which is why it couldn't hear when it spilled it's beer...in the path of that oncoming space ship and
There are more…penguins dancing on the hardwood floor,
Singing..."We are the world... We are the penguins,” at which point they were destroyed by blasters
And in walked a...flying squirrel! But O my gosh, look behind him,
It's...Admiral Byrd, riding in the gondola of an antique balloon just like the one in The Wizard of Oz,
Except this one is propelled by...actual winged monkeys from the Wizard of Oz, and a big blue elephant with a flatulence problem
Which leaves a cloud of...grey mist in the sky and then the braying donkeys come by, but
We can't keep them at bay because...they love our lemonade.
Made with only the freshest lemons, sprinkles with...pigeon droppings,
But only for flavor, of course...and French onion soup
Added for a rich, hearty…warm fuzzy feeling.
The kind that squishes when…you stick it between your toes
And wade through vinegar with...alcohol and H2O,
Ah but let's not forget the tulips...as they grow, taller, eating everything that crosses their paths,
Oh wait, those are...the sufferin' 10-foot sunflower seedlings!
They bear down on you with their...large, sharp teeth.
Ready to devour you as...you skip through the strawberry patch trying to evade the resident elephants

Book XVII

Before you get trodden on and look like a strawberry…jam--an elephant’s strawberry flavored toejam—
Which is believed by the I wanna Toelicki Tribe in the Congo to possess the power of...of the Jedi. So why ask why? Come on over to my place, and thanks for stopping by.
Gadzooks! She cried...I ordered broiled chicken, not fried!" "No you didn't," the waiter lied, in a voice that was quite snide.
This really hurt her pride, so she left the restaurant and...cried. In the streets she wandered far, in search of her car,
But instead found a bar full of...aliens trying to master the use of credit cards and video games,
As they pass through…puberty, which is 132 years. On Orkah that's only 132 minutes,
But with the galactic time-shift you take the square root of the hypotomuse and plant it in the droppings of the great Poda among the yakyak bush on Remuli III, it is...considered to be quite a culinary delicacy on Dreboss V
And is usually served with...fried earthworms in a succulent sauce made with lark's vomit
And other crude Monty Python jokes so...4 Am, most of the aliens had inhaled some glue, drank some beer
And they seem to be okay but...they were singing "The Stars Spangles Banner" in their no-nonsense language
Which sounds like...Three twigs drifting through the vastness of space,
Like a rodent with no nose to twitch...which brings us back to the hamster that started this all,
A chap by the name of…oggly doogly Jim. But if you think that is a nifty name, check out his sister,
Who was named...after the noise of a coin hittin the floor : chin chuin chon but her last name I still don't know
It starts with...an f or a ph I never can tell,
So...I just call her Joey...but she can't do the "Whooooooa" thing,
So I don't know why I call her that, instead of...Dumbo, which would fit her so much better,
Though she is kind of...small to have those big ears, but don't mention 'em
Because she's almost as sensitive about her ears as she is her...mother who had big front teeth. And a big butt.
They called her bumpy bucky in high school causing her to...kill 333 people in one week, then...
she kill 333 more people the next week and if we add those numbers, we get the number of the beast 666…but let's stop talking about diabolic nonsense
And let's get back to where we left with the aliens in Krypton talking with Jor-el about...that goofy flying squirrel, who bounces back from heartbreak
And is dating the most beautiful...smurfs and lasagna, but then,

Book XVIII

This is normal on...some occasions and even in some states like Utah (smurfs Claire? and you had me getting anal probed in another in & out! ACK!),
But this just so happens to be illegal in Texas where they will...hunt a trash page like this one we do,
It is mocking my insanity trying to decipher what's literally there...in the trashcans of other's computers.
But in Arkansas, you shouldn't...insult flying squirrels because they may get even in another in and out,
So as I apologize to my favorite squirrel, he...keeps telling me to put the horse before the cart 'cause that increases the horsepower,
But spark plugs are so cheap now’ days ya might as well...just plug yourself into your toaster and hope for the best,
Though...that's what Albert Einstein did, and now HE'S DEAD!
So, just grab that orange and...peel it with your toes
While shouting..."Rama-a-lama-lama-lama-dama-ding-dong-do..."
Because those are your happy words which you always say when...you think you have run out of papers but find an old pack that has five leaves left,
Which was the name of your favorite Nick Drake album back when you were...hitchin' time zones, dodgin' nursery rhymes, paintin' museums dedicated to alabaster thread,
And generally wonderin' about...the meaning of life and
Contemplating what that strange sign you found in your cereal bowl might mean...everything and nothing at the same time,
Yet hoping all will at least…be a prize to send back to the company
And receive a coupon for a free day at...work out for the best for someone, somewhere,
But you feel sure that...it won't work out like that.
You know if...you add a pinch of salt when making ice cream, it brings out all the flavor,
Especially when making…hominy grits ice cream with a pinch of cheese.
It attracts...all those spoon-poking badgers we've seen around.
New to the kingdom, but still...very old and wise,
Though in a strange way..they remind me of Alan Alda, during those years between M*A*S*H and his role in "Murder at 1600",
Which stunk like...a skunk fresh out of his bunk, he was a hunk who ate a chunk of Cadbury chocolate which was the nicest thing he's ever eaten he said
But he preferred…to eat gravy-covered dog biscuits with a fine Merlot and creamed corn on the side,
While for dessert...was a choice, "Pecan Carmel" topping
Over Ostrich lymph nodes or...maybe just simple apple pie
He was American after all. Now Canadians, they eat...the same odd things
That we Puerto Ricans seem to be in love with…back-bacon and split pea soup, although

Book XIX

This would be considered an offensive culinary experience in...most countries, eh? But you gotta love those Canadians.
No one else knows how to...play hockey as well, or kiss yaks as well,
But then there are the Egyptians who...also known for their ability to kiss yaks and then eternalize those moments with mummification,
A process that takes...It takes a strong stomach and lots of will power to eat this mess up like
It was a desert…fit for a king, unfortunately the king was Tut
And the dessert was...poodle a la 'range.
He would set them on fire, run them around the temple then...destroy it with his chariot of fire!!
What kind of woe was this he'd been dragged into? One of many moons and monsoons, which were not so rare in Egypt, but no one knows about that now, because...it was all written on a manuscript that eventually found it's way I
Into an outhouse never to be seen again UNTIL...all Cleopatra’s men in waiting had to empty out the outhouse,
And while sifting through the wheelbarrow for useful remains they found it and now it lies in a water tray in Auckland museum…only to be mistaken for a piece of ordinary paper, and used to make an airplane,
Which was shipped to...the writer of fine words dressed in linen with the inkhorn and pen in his hand and who stretched his hand upon the fine parchment
And wrote...his resume!! How was he about to pass up the chance of a lifetime to begin his journaling career!
Just as his hand began to touch the paper though...the phone rang and it was his half-brother's mother-in-law's ex-husband trying to entice him to invest in a penny-stock gold exploration company that was a sure thing to hit it big,
If he would only loan him $10,000 he would gladly repay it by...Tuesday for a hamburger today, coke and fries are optional with a diversified stock portfolio
And then his mutual funds...would multiply like a bunch of guppies,
But on march 3 3003, these stocks split, causing mass...hysteria and malaria, heartrending, goaltending, soft sell fare-thee-well, cash and carry commentary
And…a partridge in a pear treeeeeeeeee!
However, if you read between the lines you will notice that...everyone here is completely insane
So there is no pain in...being a banana,
But if you spill something on the rented suit, you will have to...Cry cry babeeeee, cry cry babeeee out out
Damn…aunt Dee, you drive me to distraction,
For you are crazier even than...(I don’t know what song we’re singin' here) aunt Margereie who wears her hair in ponytails and wears a red and yellow spotted dress-

Book XX

She has 16 actually- and has 1 child, who is like…Pippy Longstockings except not as annoying mostly
Because she's been dead for several weeks now after tragically getting run over by a ...out of town adverb not knowing it's way around,
Till it finally found...Runaround Sue,
But then the problem is that you must asceranahan your…whole stock of chocolate ice cream to your third cousin, 4 times removed,
And dance around...daisies and tiptoe thru the tulips, playing the ukulele
Just like Tiny Tim while also...kicking at the dog whose riding your left leg
Hoping that Joe next door will...pftttttttttth and pftttttth and pftttttth some more till he blows the house down, or circles around, looks outta town, says that's where I'm bound,
And gathers up steam to...do the limbo nice and slow
While his horse…drops dead
Then look up, stand up and see…it galloping below
But wait there is something in the…local fire truck being stolen by the neighborhood dogs again?
Now they'll be visiting all the fire hydrants and that siren is...saluting the general
Who is …drunk once again, but no one really notices,
Because his *loving* (witchy) wife is...dancin' and prancin' and swayin' to the siren
And stayin' near the hydrant and...crying like a fire in the sun to keep her batteries of the vibrator charged
So she can…quiver up the river on a blow-up doll
Throwing kisses to the…"Hey, isn't that a shark!" she exclaimed.
A shark in a river is really out of place except in...case of fire,
Jettison the cargo and swim to…the nearest island, where you can hang out with the Survivors and teach them how to actually make fire.
After that, you can...pound sand and rub your belly
With jellyfish until it gets a nice red color and swells really big... then find a nice spot on the beach and sunburn your back real good
So that...even aloe won't cure it.
After we build a lookout tower, we'll...count the blisters and call the trees sisters Cause the shade's gonna disappear real soon if we don't…find someone to give us our medication before we go out on a killing spree again
And…really blast those filthy Klingons who killed Kirk's son, and now we'll make them pay for all the evil deeds they've done, because we're the Federation, and we're number one!
So nobody's gonna tell us how to...shake our booty, shake our booty,
Make a pancake out of…cooties, those biological terrors that will send those nasty Klingons back to the prehistoric age
And then we'll be able to sit around joking about...choosing up sides to smell armpits

Book XXI

But I have a hunch that…grasshoppers are attempting to take over the world, or at least my shopping cart,
Which teems with…the whole state of Delaware falling off the face of the planet.
Poor Delawareans, known for their…peculiar mannerisms and polished impressions of forgotten artists,
Who graced our days and nights with echoes of... madness that was brought on during the fight with the Klingons.
So off we go, on another...Magic Carpet Ride,
Sorry for the poor taste but I was blinded by…the way we were, but those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end, however, the ax fell,
We were fired and now we are Klingons, or is it the Delawareans who...inducted President Clinton, and enabled the "No use of the word no" act.
But that backfired, because...He never used the word himself,
For fear it would burn his lips and set the tone for...are forced to read this twaddle
If this is a poem I had better phone home to get this thing back on...schedule so I shall retire to a monastery
And write no more…sipping wine instead
Oh, my head it feels like someone just…screwed the whole thing up, but I will take some aspirin, a bottle of milk
And go to bed with...Alf, oh yes Alf, the alien of my dreams!
With fur of gold silk and a voice that can...melt peanut butter and freeze coffee at the same time
And yet still remain…unmoved by human charm and can only be reached
By the cooing of a…Chihuahua. Do Chihuahua’s coo? Well, not usually, but I have poetic license, and I can write what I darn well please, especially
In this rubber room of poets crazier than…two frozen biscuits in the middle of the Sahara Desert,
Which actually happens a year around...Johnny Angel's birthday on February 24, which makes a lot of sense to me,
Because…I am standing on my head in Tucson Arizona
Looking for…the top of the world,
But alas all I see are…coconut palms and banyan trees, coral sands
And…a '56 Ford with four flat tires
And in the front seat a…well-used condom and a blow-up doll with
The personality of a…wet blanket but who knows
This may be…hell or it may be heaven how will we ever know the difference
When... there are demons dancing with angels, and the sky is rainbow above the yellow submarine.
But then again...we all must jump hurdles with Myrtle the Fertile Turtle in her girdle never
Forgetting...that good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere, or

Book XXII

So they say in...all the best magazines these days, even
Though... geese travel in flocks, ever popular for the odd
Cultures of…turkey vultures roaming the plains and nesting
Next to…fire hydrants, hoping the dogs won't...do their trashy thingy as we go for a flingy and
Then we singee...run wild and
Chase rabbits through…the cornfield while the ears listen in and
Tell us things...such as the time they heard
Dr. Quackenbush to say…Do not seek the treasure because
it is not really a treasure but
An evil spirit who will...rub your belly with oil and pull the wings off
dead flies that lay all around,
Covering every square inch of...the watermelon that we are having in
Celebration of...St. Watermelon's Day.
Of course this is only a holiday in...the 29th district of California where Jim Scileppi is running for Congress--and will win by a landslide because he's so
squishy, like mud between your toes
Causing you to...fall head over heels into the quicksand of politics
where you'll...strive to reach the surface
Oh, lookit all the pretty dolphins, they’re so…so right, just so right, unlike
The jellyfish that never stop…fall head over heels into the quicksand of politics where you'll...
strive to reach the surface...to bite at any sight of tranquility
Rippling the tides of...serenity gently brushing against my face
In the darkest…recesses of your closet where it is known that "Pookie" the boogeyman resides
Along with his small army of...night in all eternity, when all the young coyotes howl in despair.
For although they are free in one sense, in another they...found they had TWO strings going,
So they must fight a…large monster named Louie for
The right to prevail over...the muck and the mire, the media and the fire, the feeding troth and the sire,
The...sun, the moon, the stars in the sky, know the reason why,
Now you've…become a fanatical nazi loving salami-eating half-breeds, but we all love you
Because you can...find some word that rhymes with orange, which drives you nuts,
Since no one told you…that it is impossible. But oh my gosh, look left, look right,
It's it's it's...Santa Claus in Speedos; what a sight.
I only hope that the police…that diabolical fiend King Tut and he's coming with Nefertiti

Book XXIII

To sing the rhythms of…Curious George and the Man in the Yellow Hat, although more noted for their salsa beats this year
They've switched to playing...unopened pork 'n bean cans off Broadway.
Then, mid-show, they eat the beans and play a different melody, filling the auditorium with notes of...insanity. but Webber loved it
And gave them each...two dimes, for the next time they felt the need
To speak in rhymes...they would get a contract at Warner Bros. studios, but that decision was not liked
By the character...Yosemite Sam who screamed, "Great horny toads!" in protest
And never saw...Elmer Fudd protesting, the anvil about to fall, and
the Road Runner on his way as
Speedy Gonzalez came to save the day...but on the other lots, for once,
The Brain was silent, and Babs bunny...like a donkey brayed, screaming to
The heavens…"What did you do to my pants? They're totally bleached now!"
And then it dawns on you…as your alarm rings, it was only a dream.
Time to get up and feed…the pigs, slop the chickens, and collect eggs from the cows, and
After that you...get your nails manicured. Then pulling on an overcoat,
It's off to the…Emerald city to see the wizard to
Ask for a heart, a brain and a…pair of ruby slippers. No, no, that's too easy.
Heart, a brain and a six pack of Coors to wash down the…soap scum that has built up around
The edge of the…uvula. Having succeeded, it was off like a flash to
see if he could find someone else
But the two of us to push the ball up the…hill like a pair of dung beetles, gasping for breath and
Fighting off the urge to... populate, populate, dance to the music in keeping with the nature and
Rating of this…Saturday children's special were no words stronger than "poopy" are never heard and
All the cartoon characters are...drunks that swim nude in polluted mud holes, but are
Always ready for a…quick game of Australian rules football,
As long as someone else supplies the...cottonballs they fight for the right to kick over the goalposts
And into…the Dempsey Dumpster where packs of
Giant komodo dragons wait to…get the cow paddy left from
The pink eyed purple…hang them up, fling them around, karate dance on their egos, scratch in between their toes, mistake them for
A flamingo's nest and...two step all the way to Tuscan. And would believe
Old doc Jones is doing the light fandango with that rascally...wabbit who keeps tormenting Elmer Fudd but
He'll fix that rabbit's wagon by…introducing the little, long eared, fur ball to

Book XXIV

Fat Mary who loves rabbit stew and…sage pudding that's boiled, simmered, foiled, and shimmering with glazed ragweed mixed
And dipped onto the headlined page of the daily news and...that magazine no one like to talk about
Titled...Handcranker's Digest. Hey look now's at the door.
It's…the Spanish Inquisition,
I'll be a…little too late for work today, but that's ok since
All I can say is...I'm quitting today
I'm off to Bora Bora to find a…lost treasure, two steps forward and three steps back, beneath the 'X' that was
Once spray painted and tacky-glued on, but since has...long legged beauty queen with eyes dark as night,
Transcending the…space between past and future.
But the towns people are very anxious to...burn the town to the ground and start over again
In a new place and...throw fish at random passers-by,
Hoping to…suck the blood of the innocent bystanders and
All the while...selling postcards of the hanging and
Painting the…l red and black
While singing...in an Elmer Fudd voice, a rendition of Jimmy Buffet's "Love song from a different point of view",
But she's really just...a cheeseburger in paradise, which is obvious to those in-the-know,
Because of her...devious ways with David J Lidle who is soon to be thrown in the hulks, even though
Gailey screams out, "I told ya so!"…but never fear, MiNsTreLL is here to save the day, just let me finish my peanut butter and pickle sandwich
With a side of...corn--because I love it when corn shows up in my poop! Don't tell me that you don't love it, too, or
I'll say…slowly I turned, step by step
Inch by inch...the mad rhino made its way toward our jeep seeking a piece of corn and
Some righteous…balloon by balloon, bubble by bubble and
Try to cool in this...pool of melted blueberry ice cream next to
Mounds of…corn! but if it isn't sheriff Tate looking for that rusty outlaw
Writer of the Winds and...and his side kick, Spitwad.
The two were last seen plucking feathers off a… bowling ball down on East and West, smellin' the daffodils and chewin' the stop signs before They suddenly...were assaulted by evil lawn gnomes,
Hell-bent on…playing parchesi and pinochle
While pining for…acorns from the squirrel who lives in the big oak,
Yet the gnomes also had their sights on the...fuzzball beneath, plotting how to foul
Elmer Fudd's evil...secret, no good plan to lasso the sun and bring it closer to the wabbit's poker meeting, knowin' that the extra sweat will drop onto the cards and deface them, and

Book XXV

Thus allow...demons from the other dimension to take over the earth and
Turn us all into...Vanna White look-alikes complete
With phony smile and…I won't touch this one with
A ten foot…rhino horn, but then, there aren't many ten-foot rhino horns
Because...the faery folk all took them away, because they wanted to play, and then
One day...they all fell down a rabbit hole and found themselves
In a patch of…mostly eaten carrots. Granted, this wouldn't normally be considered that strange except also
In the pile was a...striped bass, which breathed the air, and was named Harry.
Harry liked cigars and…plucked his banjo. At that moment he was playing Stairway to Heaven, while dueting on his tuba
Which played…duet-ing tubas? But while he was at it, he couldn'a had it, because
He was…4-F and had the mumps. Knowing he could borrow the family car
He decided to flee to…Beunos Aires, because he knew the car like to ride the ferry. The ferry had a bright red and white color sceme and was nick-named the...Iceberg Looking For A Titanic To Haunt but it collided with the Good Ship Lollypop
Causing it to…spill chocolate sauce over northern happy seals, but they loves it,
Because a ship had crashed 3 days ago spilling...cheese doodles, which, as everyone knows, marries WELL with chocolate sauce!
Of course, the seals ate too much, and came down with…indigestion, but we're guessing that was from the sardines they had for dessert.
So the Coast Guards airlifts a crate of tums to the seals as well as...books teachin' them how to train their minds to overlook discomfort since things are always spillin' out and
They can't keep chugging down Tums and Pepto every time a...little acid attacks and that is a pain because
They can't play My Country Tis of Thee on their horns and clap their…flippers.
The seals would rather make combat with the evil gnomes or even Harry's…Poetry Club, which comes up with stuff like: "Which way is up? Which way is down? How can I escape being eating by a clown?
The clown wears…red boots with cow dung on the heels and
For sure he stinks worse than a bus full of…eels who are traveling to the Super Bowl to get themselves…worn out and sweaty there was only one place to go,
So they got on there surfboards and surfed off to…Kangaroo land where they get carried around like royalty and treated better than royalty,
Except of course for the...dinners of curried wombat and sauted wallaby
Which need lots of…creole seasoning. Heck, they missed the food they had the pleasure of endulging in while kicking things around
In South Louisiana while…while they, themselves, were being kicked around and, eventually kicked right into
A rubber room located on the outskirts of…Insanityville, where all the loonies like the hang out

Book XXVI

And talk about...Pardonmepal,Texas. The crapiest town this side of Cesspool Acres,
But the best is…the lights never being turned on in the asylum,
But then that nasty little kid isaminda took all the...jelly & jam and started singing, "Sam I am! I am Sam!"
And soon after that...Neil Diamond poped in
To say…how about a Doctor Pepper?
It sure beats a case of...Nightingale Blues.
So, where are my shoes, the alligator sighs...they're on my feet, they reply,
tapping their way to…see Ginger Rogers
Anyone fancy a broadway singalong with...Fred Astaire and Bing Cosby, oh heck,
Let's throw in Sammy Davis Jr. too, along with the Wizard of Oz munchkins and...a remake combo of "Hair" and "Cats"; as "Oklahoma" plays in the background,
Kid Rock and Hank Williams Jr. mix the music and...To a shopkeeper's feet,
And promptly recieved a kick to his..seat! As well as a bite from the owner's dog, Pete,
who had teeth like…teeth of the dog is what's needed after a night of surprise,
so go on down to the…barber shop on the corner and
Get your ear, chin and nose hair trimmed by the great...Houdini who clips while he escapes from a straitjacket like wet tortellini
And shouts out to all…"You bunch of meanies!", then with a smile,
He stares for a while, and...goes to his bag of tricks
And waits until Halloween to do...what he has been waiting all year for;
Go trick or treating with his mother and her pet…armadillo whose dressed up to be Boba Fett, but he can't leave just yet for his mother announces,
Boba, your pants you did…get in a muddle! I know you try to please, but that way,
You'll surely freeze, and then...you'll sing, like Donkey did,
I'm so ALONE...with no one here beside ME...I need someone to ride me. So a young lady appeared with a sadlle and a whip,
And proceeded to...strip right out of her slip with a come hither look on her face
And a…depleted bank account that needed some moolah and a smile on her face like a gorilla;
She teased and pouted and…waved around a rubber chicken with rabies,
And the men all…started whimpering like born-again babies, at the sight of the chicken and the beautiful wench, who...fanned the chicken, oh what a stench, she threw the fowl to the masses
And cried…I wanted a broiled rabid chicken, not fried!
So she stormed away with...peanut butter and jelly that sure was smelly but she didn't care because she had a big belly
Ad would...anger in her eyes, and left her rabid chicken surrounded by flies,
While the crowd…fandangoed and fiddly-fied in much the same way as a lullabye, but heavier on the garlic and mayo
Oh my...but too much garlic could make you cry, especially when it's been soaked in rye,

Book XXVII

Until then we can all eat…all the fish we can fry as the barman says here's mud in your eye
And hands us a…petrified horse fly.
"Look at this hairy little guy." says he as pours a glass of…molasses, and waits to ask us
If we could sell him…dancing classes so he can meet some pretty lasses
And move round the floor like…Michael Jackson, though he'll settle for some dirty dancing,
Around the floor he'll be prancing…until he gets to Lansing
Where he'll finally realize...there's some who despise him for his agility but at the next facility
He thumbs his nose and…taps his toes to
A jumping brass band from a strange land…and the bunny's in the honey and the bees are in the bonnet,
Leaving the hive…making the old lady who swallowed a fly take a great dive into A flaming…pile of cow dung which will make her feel so young,
Yet...so old...3 thousand years old,
But with the face of a...muskrat's butt, or was it a dingo?
I couldn't really tell because...the animals were fatter than Jabba the Hutt,
Although they had rather foul...demeaner, with eating habbits making them leaner, just like Kate Moss,
But without the...bicuspids that make her look stupid but that's my opinion so what do you think
Should we go out…and get us a curry, or should we eat
What we have and now in a…bowl either.
We should eat in in a coffee cup. one stained from weeks of...not being washed, so the water runs down, we flail and we slosh, but
Put a kabosh on our posh...wish-wash and we're good as new, but, oh my gosh,
Take a look at that it's the…cat in the splat and he's not all that flat
From the...flat-iron wielded by Irishman Pat who hated cats
More than Bill Maher hates…Socks, the cat of that man
Who wield his…shield, while out in the field,
Searching for...chicks who will yield and let him do wild, kinky sex with them
While they wear…black tuxedos and
He wears a frilly, pink…teddy that covers his privates just barely at all and
Leads us to wonder if…he has any sense at all to call
The bluebirds a...cocktail waitress with a big plume of
Feathers for butt's and...saw something in her dream that made scream,
Like a little...stream flowing over the rocks and rills
Until a small pool it filled with...blood from a kill of it's own free will and
A cry let out so shrill it…hurt my ears, and brought tears to the man with five beers in his hand,

Book XXVIII

But he…bet on the Rams and lost so he ran.
Dodging the jeers of the opposite team, he...ran up the stairs and grabbed the next EL which took him on a course
Sraight to 52nd street or… it 25th, I can't be sure because of him, her and their little ball of fur
Snuck away in the…closet where the boogy man sleeps, which you know he's there because sometimes late at night he peeps out
And wakes you with a shout, saying..."Acka, backa, soda cracker,acka, backa, boo, acka, backa, soda cracker, out goes YOU!"and
You react by…blowing him away with your Super Soaker, all the way to Cucamonga,
Which is right next to…the greasy spoon in Saskatoon where he would swoon like a loon from the moon
Until…someone came soon to blow up in his ear a giant balloon and fall to the floor
Where…someone came and rescued him from the person with the super soaker.
He wanted to be rescued by…the nearest loafer, but instead he got a passing go-fer,
who said...come with me to the Casbah where we shall sup rutabaga and
Nibble on succulent…drunks and study law. yes under pink elephant lights
We yearned,I mean learned and saw, things...many things things, then the telephone rings rings and
The fat lady sings...and the pebbles hit the hubcaps with their itty-bitty pings
While the dog…scratches at the fleas that tease and then, if you please,
Pees on EVERY BLEEDIN' ONE of my…cheese pieces, rank smell making me sneeze and wheeze,til
Holding my breath I ran...until my face turned blue, falling to the ground, hitting my head and
Grasping for air I look up and see...the past and present flash before me, and tell myself that though everyone knows the gravest of offences is to muddle your tenses
When writing prose, penning doggerel is probably…cause to send the "penner" to liquid hell, so retreat to a spot under a tree,
Think of your navel and emit some…pee. What did you think I'd say, since my bathroom humor is a true rumor discussed all the way
In the country of…Transylvania 6500, just past Baker Street, which is
Known for it's bakeries and...book stores, which are really quite a bore that make the customers snore in the heaps of lore on the floor
Although…which are now surmising, that
They prefer exercising to snoring about in the...sad sack of life. Readers are leaders and that is why
There are so many…here, my dear. But do not fear or leer, for we shall steer near the
brink of life to hear the stories of anger and strife just in time to pull out a knife or
calculator for the tabulator who is really a terminator of taters and maters because he
tickled his pickle and pickled his nickel and

Book XXIX

Let out a roar…that shook the earth’s core, and the mountains laughed til they stood no more, and
In their place stood...an open door, but everyone cried, "What's it for?"
But before anyone could deplore or ignore...giant globs of ice cream welding chopping machines
That threaten to...lick us all into shape: "Last warning this time. There HAS to be a rhyme, If there's not, its a crime.It needn't be sublime,
But it HAS to bleedin' well be worth dining for two,in the old ladies shore,cause...there they can rhyme for they do have the time and thyme lasts forever if you push the right lever,
But please, please, please, please, please, please never...be rude about the food, even if it is rather spicy and the hygiene is dicey. The house wine's described as "An archangel peeing on your tongue" so
I think you oughter just have a glass of…water, which is straight from the tank labeled septic by a crank who thinks he knows that you suck your toes but
Try your best to…not blow your nose, but then, as a cold west wind from the north blows, hark, it is the east and Juliet, you are the rose hanging by your toes, so
Out, out damn spot until...the MacBeths return -why was their dog in the plot? He didn't contribute a lot. And that crack, two posts back, is an unwarranted slur! All the water used in that establishment has been personally passed by the Management!
You sir, are a...blackguard and cur, but better a louse than a braggart be,
For it's one if by land and two if you…use discount tickets that you stole from the people with tile floors and act like real boars,
Yet even they know...better and act like flubber,
They will survive or…lose their blubber while dead men scrub their brains while waiting for trains in the rains
That pelt the…plains, where wild buffalo roam and you're all alone, unless it's your home, and you're name is Jerome,
But if not...they can't keep me home, they can't! 'cuz I'm a gnome, and
We all know that gnomes got no...home but a crappy pile of loam, and even there it's not safe. At three o'clock this lady grabbed me by the hollyhock shouting "Put away that dibber, you fibber! 'Examine this root' - my foot!
I know the kind of seeds YOU want to...use, I know what you need,
So give it to me and…bleed, sweat, perspire, I know ya never tire, for
Yer young and still for hire…ah, but perhaps not, you little braggartly snot! Get up! Get up from that pile of purcillious, putrid, pukaloulouiss, persnickity, pile of rot and
Go forth to...stand on your head and spit wooden nickels, while you partake of a lovely dill pickle,
Which we all know your fancy will…tickle, but unhand me, you frivolous frivil, unhand me now or
I'll clock you, you drivil...or I'll tie you up inside a cup (you'll miss your sup)

Book XXX

You insolent pup...but i will wag my tail and drool in your face, just to try to get back in good grace, so out of the cup and into the saucer so I can quote good old
Chaucer, the old brain flosser, who was not a dirty double crosser
But instead wrote…a line of prose or poem for all these folks to read and
Decipher from...Egg yolks to the back of hackensack whilst having a laugh and hack attack. Oh dear, my poetic pulchritude is a tad slack.
A bleedin' good...whack will get it back, back to the same old used-to-be, words, words, longing to be free, like they were sung to me on my mommy's
wobbly knee,
While Pops had high-tailed it off to sea...said he needed the salt in his gizzard to be free,
But we think it was 'cause...he just liked to sightsee and ride on the high sea while eating a BLT and drinking Chablis with a Champanzee, a chickadee and a Cherokee.
But one day, a dark cloud arose and...that little rooster on the roof told us so, but his cousin, the hen in King John's pot told us different,
But she is not to be trusted, because she...doesn't care to drink a Chablis with a Chimpanzee, nor sup on roast duck with a driver of a truck,
A snob she is to those who...suck their beer thru a straw, while fanning themselves the flies to draw to the carcass of an old jackdaw caught in the air When…a stranger with an enigmatic smile, twirling a six-shooter whose odor was foul, and held a mint in his mouth a while,
But alas, his ododifferous style was like a porta-john at a Texas chili cook-off trial, however...out of the hills came Piss Pot Pete making the stranger smell like
locker room feet soaked in perfume with a scent meant to smell like roses in bloom—
But, combined with locker room feet, it smelled like…swamp bait feet, and he said where is it ya think
I might meet a senile, worn out, delirious Star Fleet, hidin' from the...Fett of Boba so to meet the Hutt of Jabba but he went off course and fell off his horse and
Couldn't tell head from…the nose of Ali Babba
Which looked a whole lot like the nose of…Ala-din, who loves to make noise so
He runs over to Gailey's place to start playing with the...the grand piano but Gran fell in the door at 4am, drunk as a skunk, shouting: “Through every nook and every cranny/The wind blows in on your poor old granny/ I’m told it blows by land and by sea/
Well, in this bleedin’ house it blows mostly on…me and my army of doom, that has come to you to spread the gloom and to wipe out any flowers in bloom, so
I think you best go back to your…tomb and hide in the dark morass of your mind, lest by some misstep of your foot you fall on your grass; AH HA!
You thought I would lower myself to your...height, but that's a plight more terrible than a flight to Bangladesh where you must wear mesh to save yourself from the man eating mosquitos
While they…start nibbling at your toes and go up to your nose, that is unless you wear the net,

Book XXXI

Which is a sure bet to...cause you to fret and finally to get mesh lines where the sun don't shine but you'll be just fine
'Cause they only show when...under a florescent lamp, which they haven't owned since camp, yet high in the sky, Can it be?
Yes! It's Fructose Man and his army of...hee hee hee, dare i say sugar fairies, so better be wary or
They will carry you off to…the city dump where they will drop you in a lump, and
Beat you about the head and shoulders with a wet noodle till you...slump. So come with me to the darkside
Where we can be...together alone. In a land that we both want to call home.
That being the land of milk and honey--either that, or the land of silk and money. No! Wait!
That's the land of…Martha Stewart and the Enron Boys, while Worldcom honchos play with their toys,
JUMP Martha, jump right now, If you don't we'll have a…microwave boritos at a five star restaurant and RC colas and moonpies as well,
Which for Martha is something akin to hell, but...hey, it beats panfried toads on a bed of rice, cooked up in the kitchen by Vincent Price; so stand on your head, jump up and down, grab your skivies cause we a going to town,
Where we gonna dance and prance and get down with...our wicked selves, for it is the way of the buddah rocker that says
"He who does not rock is...without a beat" and with that treat, it is sweet to meet in the street and say
"Tweet" to all you greet however…whoever, whatever, the world will never know, how hard the spanish game is in which the bull you throw, cause I can sling it with the best of that it can be said, and i pass all the tests both in and out of
this old decrepit bed,
I'll put on my uniform and go to work,with all the rest of the sullen…pathetic jerks, but hey, I like my job making sushkabobs, and
Where I work, there's lots of perks like…tomato and mayonaise sammich, that into your mouth you cram it and heave it up again
When you witch it as the clock says...Tick Tock
The elephant sat and watched the...mouse, then leaped and screamed "in my house, a lousey mousey" so she went to the window and opened the jalousie [oh brother] and
Shouted…"5 o'clock and alls well!" Then feeling rather strange
She sat on the couch and...heard distant bells, laryngitis, aching, the drugstore sells anti-delirium potions and
The temperature fell...until hell froze over but granny’s in seventh heaven ! She laughs at draughts and wears sexy things and sings “Nothing makes me half so cheery as that wee bald man when he calls me his wee dearie!”

Book XXXII

And I THINK she’s given up the…the five year old potatoe salad, it's gone bad, gran's gone mad and I'm just sad for my cat Brad. But that's neither here nor there,
In fact it's more like everywhere. In the air, in my hair, and worst of all...it's a 2 by 4 crashing through my kitchen door; now they're coming in twos but
That's not the bad news, because Boy George just announced...he has the flu and
Going through the marriage...with k. chameleon but they can't afford a carriage so all my friends do chip in, so
They can travel in style as they head off on a honeymoon to an enchanted…toilet and they want to be alone,
So don't spoil it by…flushing down your dead goldfish, and making a wish that
One day you will be the richest...airborne rodent in your neighborhood, but even if you should,
Would you really feel so "uppity" and stuffy with your brand new...autographed photo of Elmer Fudd, even though it's not in color you frame it and hang it on the
hole in your soul, even though it's not your goal you must pay the toll.
Into the troll, you will roll and he will…throw you a bowl of dirty gold to
Play your fortune down the...drain, so sing a refrain of 'leaving on a freight train' that you were waiting for in the rain,
So you are a 1000 miles away from home just waiting for…a gnome to come alive to give you a ride in a chariot of fire.
He who you will hire is...to slop the town, feed the city, dance around and
Sing a little ditty, 'cause...London bridge is falling down... falling down... so with a Hi Hi Hey,
The Army's on its way, so...fry up a lot of fish, put it all on a china dish, and bring it down to town where the men will eat it up and
Wash it down with a cup 'o...cheap Lucky gin, and ask the neighbor lady "How've you been?" "Feeling fine," she'll reply,
"Except for that...damn spine, and my hip's giving me jip, my neck's a wreck, my back's on a rack, my thigh makes me sigh, my bum is numb, and my name gives me pain, but still,
Mustn't complain, except for the angina I've never felt...finah, so put some vittles on my plate, I'm hungry and it's getting late, because I've got a real hot date, with
somebody who's the mate, of a
Friend of mine who is in the music biz, 'cuz...he's got a getar wid two strangs and he can flat play that thang, revs it up with two amps and a lady what's a tramp, sucking on some mojo, singing hidey-ho, git down, go up town
And make music while...we all dance 'round. It' a fine 'ole hoedown we got goin' tonight,
So come join us, dontcha put up a fight, we're gonna...paint the town red and green while Dr. Feelgood takes out your spleen and then, just for good measure, under your ribs he finds hidden treasure.
He shouts "Yo Ho Ho and…bottle of Jim Beam with a splash of coke, no

Book XXXIII

This ain't no joke...but the jokes on you, poor pathetic fool, and your grandma can't get you out of this one this time, because I realized I have nothing to rhyme,
So you'll just have to...kick the dog across 3 times zone while
Saying booga booga booga at a little...parakeet sitting on a stoop,
Singing twa diddle twa deedle dee and...the joke's on thee, you nincompoop, so hitch up your pants and start a-running, else
She'll grab her double guage to do some…ceili dancing fool, all night long, still
She drools, until…the cat hops across the stools, to the amusement of all the fools, yet sadly the cat and fools are killed by Bubba in a pickup who just crossed the yard with a big
"YEEEEHHAAAAWWWW!!!!" and...Bubba ain't got nothin' to say, cause he drives a Chevrolet, so stomp on the clutch and put 'er in gear, petal to the metal and be on his way,
Cause he gotta...pee. Can't you see? He's turning blue! Take him to the loo!
But it's too late, for he's...crashed the motel gates! and he better be afraid, VERY afraid, cos by a curious coincidence of contrived continuity, grandma (mentioned above) was painting those gates, and her maiden name is Bates, and
People crashing her gates is something she...hates, but if Bubba was a nubile with moolah, she'd kill her for her family je-wels and then go and seek her son and tell him what she has done,
But then the curtain dropped and…every heart beats true, whether red, white, or blue and forever may grandma wave, she's a grand old bag, a high flying hag, who through the storm, through the night, did not utter a mutter, but kept on eating peanut butter
Cause every cloud has...silver lining, so let's just stop all this whining, form a circle and clap for joy has Bubba, Grandma, the dead cat and the dead fools kiss and makeup,
Give two cheers for peace and...paint cos gran's made a new kind - took her 9 years - brush it on and a pattern appears! She's'ROSES IN BLOOM' and ADAM & EVE soon but fig leaves appear in wrong places
So she's working on that to save leers and red...fox and yellow cat and that is what Grandma sat on for
She is still painting…her itty-bitty flowers for hours by the numbers
While eating cucumbers dipped in…social graces, paining faces, painted traces, flagging places,
Touching bases, tying laces, spraying maces...and silver braces lined upon her teeth to which she attaches a silver wreath with two wires around her Knee-th and picks up the Officer Keith of the Royal Canadian Mounted Polith,
Just as...she thinks all is done, she trips over her wires and scapes her thumb, since there are no band-aids in sight she's go to her doctor, who's quite a fright.
When asked what is the remedy, Doc says…"You're a real comedy, and if you don't think that was not a tough rhyme, how bout saying 'come up and see me sometime" so now to a specialist you will go and she will see if you can

Book XXXIV

Stub your toe, and…jump up and down howling in pain, like crippled leper,
Out in the...lane, and go right down the drain in the rain
As it falls mainly in the…the pudden tane,
So lock me away in a room full of…a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: New Byelaw: YOU CANNY PUSH YOUR GRANNY OFF A BUS. YOU CANNY PUSH YOUR GRANNY - COS SHE'S YOUR MAMMY'S MAMMY - NO, YOU CANNY PUSH YOUR GRANNY OFF A BUS.
Okay, resume drivel…like a skinny little snivel and git off thu bus cause the driving ain't gonna be done by us; grab a plane, fly off in the wild blue yonder
Cause granny is coming after you like rolling thunder or...a herd of buffalo and she has her sewing needle in her hand;
Ouch…hide in the outhouse 'til she runs by, then to the hills you must lie, but careful of cougahs and grizzly bears, lest
They eat you up and spit out…the hairs and moan and groan 'cause you gave 'em nightmares and made 'em think
They could fly through the heirs in tabloid newspapers and...say the Minister of Silly Walks who had broken his legs tripping over a basket of eggs whilst trying to execute a triple-toed Foeken-Groote with a mid-transcending Turtillian fruited coot;
Basil! Basil! Basil! Oh shoot! It's Sybil the Brute who is...manhandling Polly in her union suit;
Save her Manuel, take her away, from this horror house in Torquay to the land where grows the…mid-day's haze and the goblins wear evening wear they've had on for days, and they ask you quite civily, "Do you sentence or phrase?"
And you answer...how dare you question me! I who am forced to live in this house of ill repute!
Nay Nay, do not dare try to refute, for I am absolute and I stand to salute...Will the galloot who left their granny today on a 33A please go to the bus depot at Skivers and collect her, as
She is harassing the…driver in the back by the hivers, and he doesn't want to drive her any more, but since he canny push the granny,
The Byelaw does NOT mean you canny ASSIST your granny off the bus. There are now 374 grannies in this depot awaiting collection! (And 12 of our buses are painted ROSES IN BLOOM)
Collect your granny soon cos…if you don't you canny collect your granny
Cuz she'll be workin on the tranny under the…Grannies R Us have taken over this bus depot! Be warned! We may be toothless, but we're ruthless! We have 10 demands:
1.A truck load of real chocolate biscuits, wicked as sin. 2. About 600 gallons of tea to dunk them…in the front door and out the back,better get snapping
'Cause here comes…the judge, here comes the judge, to battle the smudge, so don't you curmudge but put on your high heel sneakers 'cause we're
all gonna beat the carp out the driver cause he took my granny and he tried to kidnapper,

Book XXXV

Watch out for the needle & thread or you'll be...stitched into an attractive bedspread. Demand No 3 is: Granny TV showing "Gone with the Wind", any Walt Disney film,"The Good Old Days", and "Purple Haze" - PURPLE HAZE? Who wrote that?
Well, ignore her, she's...the new craze, of the damn upstarts o' the from the
neanderthal phase,
Gather your arms and…fingers too you can leave the thumbs behind, they'll not be needed in Handcranker City
Where ink is red and the men…can understand me, when everything I do is wrong.
I drink fish tank water. It tastes biter with fishy after taste…and it's sets my pace to run the five mile fish race, so I'll swim, and I'll win on a whim, but nevertheless,
I'm really not the best, because…of these two left feet and ears that meet and a voice that tweets and thoughts that defeat and
I simply shrivel in the heat and...cast hot gazes at the neighbor across the street
Using a garden hose to beat...her llama whose in heat cause her mama has big feet but nothing can be done so
I am on the run and heading for the…door with a tigress throaty roar screaming "Your nothing but a bore", not much here to adore, What do I even come here for?
I've got other things to do, like re-heeling my stinky shoe, and can some one tell me who slew auntie rue…but if you can't tell me that, then where you been at, 'cause I'm starin' at the screen and it's starin' back mean and
I'm startin' to wax green, but...here comes the darkside machine, to make us come clean
So better not be mean…and don't be a teen, hide your spleen, the best step is to head underground, where the music is sweet, and you’re light on your feet, and
Discord can nowhere be…found, which is neat, except. ATTENTION!! Grannies R Us Demand No 4: Draughty windows or door in Granny flats made criminal offences with mandatory prison sentences for useless no-good son-in-laws
Who won't fix up the flat because…that's not where they're at. They're into muscle-machines and macho-dreams, rum-flavored creams and developin' schemes, but
What they don't know is...Rolly Pollie comes into the fray, singing 'here come the dogs, the dogs are on their way, here come the dogs, the dogs will save the
night with a fight for their right to hump on a bump with a lump on their bum
Because they rlled in scum…from the land of Rum,
Now let us band with the story at…Dum-criddly-dum-dum where they blast ya with pasta and corn mashin' crumbs, then tell ya to
Hit the road wavin' your feeble left thumb and...Grab a ride on an 18-wheeler, to the next town to buy some tequila-er, slug it on down 'til you can't feel yer,
Toes as you walk to the place that…where everyone goes.It ebbs and flows just like your nose
But done with bad prose-as if no one knows…about wearing bad clothes, I suppose, like those cheap sitcom characters on 70's shows,

Book XXXVI

But I think...that I took a drink in the sink wearing a mink that was pink, and as I started to blink, I clicked on the link, to add this post, and I did what it said so I
can say I don't stink, but
Forget about that as I skin a dead…skink, which puts me on the brink, sauteed and sweet methink. Now ain't that rather kink . . . y-eeeewwwww, lizard stew for a witches brew.
And then my belly just grew and…my hair, too, but that's not the real issue, because my favorite cow has hair that's blue.
Now what do you think...of hair that's blue, 'cause I think some's sneakin' up on you. But don't try removin' it, you'll get more if you do.
I'd just bleach it if I were you, then...paint it brown with big white spots, or maybe white with polka dots, anything but the color purple, the sight of
Which makes the bull…git mighty hurtful. Why there's red in his eye and he's gettin' high. Run up the lane, run to the pig sty. Leap over the fence, jump up and down; walk on the fence, stand on your head, get a litte drunk...in the bar accross the street, where the bluebirds tweet, then after that, go get a hat, and meet George W. Bush and say hello, and
Then off you go to...to the wild blue yonder and lo
You stop to kick a blush…cos a lush tried..ATTENTION:Grannies R Us are handing the mike to the bus supervisor: "For Gawd's sake accede to their demand! They're old dears, but they haven't had it for 20 years!
We drivers can hardly stand cos the grans are…makin' demands, fillin' up on Geritol and callin' everybody "Sol", but
The meanest, loudest one of all stuck her head out the window and started to bawl, "No time left to do the crawl!" and…so off they went following Pied Piper, they didn't know he was a viper, and so out of the world of poems they fled, into the rest home where
They were found…under beds signing a petition for fresh drivers! "That last lot were running on empty!
Not too old mind - max age 26, no experience required - we can show them how to handle their gear sticks (hee,hee) and
A 3 point turn if need be, and as for…Junior, he ain't too bright, but then he's just a little tyke, in his mind that is, so send him to school, send him to camp, 'cause it ain't too kool to run up the ramp of everlasting enlightenment
When you're just a...scamp. But Junior has hope. Somewhere at the end of that tunnel and rope, he knows
There's illumination and elevation, Listerine and Scope, longitude and latitude and a little stash of...Tabasco, and what else can he have, I'll have to ask-yo, he's aboard the ride of his life, plowing forward thru mists seeking a wife, but
How will he survive all sorrow and…strife when he's near-sighted, blind-sighted and lopsided with life?
And who will boil the elixir and who will chop the thoughts when he faced with Spam again for supper and...with his mother he fought, yes his sainted mother tells him she'll disavow, all the things she's shown him, even milking a cow, so

Book XXXVII

It's off to the poorhouse with him and there he will never…outgrow the blights of his life, because all he's known is strife.
So when it's time to…sharpen his knife, he knows he's lost his wife, as she won't put up with the nonsensical pup, so
He's...off to see the wizard to see if he can get some delicious sup and to.....
purloin the red slippers that will serve as flippers so he can eat his kippers in peace while
All around him…they're wearing purple knickers that gives everyone the snickers while the queen titters about wondering if there will be sitters; omigod it's happening again!
Everything is going black; watch out! He's back! He's...but at most he's toast cos ATTENTION! Grannies R Us have kidnapped -don't laugh- this so-called Rest Home's staff. (CARE staff my bus pass! - even if you're ill, they still wake you to give you a sleeping pill.)
Listen well! If…you must dwell in the rotten depths of Rest Home care, you'll not fare-thee-well, thee fare well there, but
There's a fair well that's there that fares fairly well and...in Stockbridge there have been bears, so sing about a happy dale far far away, where
If you're lucky you will go some day, but…Until then you have time to visit your granny May (yes, your mammy's mammy) and bring a rug and a bottle of whisky, and if she's feeling frisky go to the park for a lark, cos she loves a fling on a swing if its dark,
It brings back her past, and if she could she…would follow the rules which are simple enough:
Complete the previous line then enter a part of a new line of…spam, greasy, messy, petrified span, and you cram, you cram, cram cram and you slam, you slam, slam, slam till you thank you, you thank you, you thank you mam
When the flies return to old cap-pe-stran-no where...the buffalo roam and the deer and antelope play, so I borrowed that line and it sounds just fine, to finish off the fray; then its back to the spam, disguised as ham, but
You'll know as soon as you…take a bite and the cholesterol clogs your veins, and the greasy taste addles your brain, causing you to recall that
When it rains in Spain, it falls mainly on...Juan Valdez, who grows coffee, but would be better sticking to toffee, but just to prove he's no softee,
He says you should go and see…ole Charlie Brown who made a first down in the fifth inning with a base line return past the quarter pole, well bless my soul that puck hopped and skipped right into the corner pocket for a turkey or was it a birdie,
Who cares cause nothing rhymes, so...anyway there are several types of birdies, and cows...well, they're called herdies, unless McDonald's gets to them first,
'Cause then they're called absurdies...once you tasted one hamburger
They're all...gonna jump up and down and dance like a clown cause they gotta get back to shanty town, so take my word, don't be absurd, and to Wendy’s run the herd and

Book XXXVIII

Order up some…fried peanut butter and banana samiches and take them with milk otherwise your tongue itches, but mind your step or you'll slide in the ditches filled with witches, bitches and two dwarfs called Mitches,
What else can I say...you've said enough. To follow that line will be rather tough. But rather than spout out a bunch of fluff, I'll ask, "what's the price of wind these days?" 'cause it ain't nearly enough…yeah it's rough earning a living selling puff but there are perks - as Shakespeare said, if I may borrow,
"Farting is such sweet sorrow" - how true - in Henry IV Fart II or maybe it was "The Merry Wives of Winsore" or perhaps…I should have shouted "Fore", cause do you mind if I play through, and throw some words in this mulligan stew; Mulligan is another term of golf,
So off you go to find…your clubs and shoes, cause you got those old golfing blues,
You wish you were as good as Tiger Woods, but...you only find hung in a bracket, a 30 year old tennis racket, so grabbing a suitcase you hastily pack it, and
Head for the airport to fly to…Wimbledon and strawberries and cream, and best of all Mary from the dairy - a dream in a cream shirt and short skirt, Oh Mary, Mary, remember the rushes, Mary? remember your blushes, Mary?
Say, you sure caught me at the net that day, but…you flew off in the wild blue yonder of which
I just wonder if you know it's my...turn to tiddle the winks, or is it back to the links,
certainly not sausage but probably not golf, rather checking on the progeny of
Rolf,
My Slovenian setter whose sitting on…on my sweater today, but I kiss him cos I miss him when I'm away. To think he can still do it at his age! makes me rage! (I think he just gave me a wink.)
When he passes on, which can't be too long, I'll have HIM mounted for a change! Am I…crazy as a daisy or am I just lazy?I fear it's all gone hazy
and dancing like Patrick Swayze
Who looks like he's…in heat, but no he can't be for he's up on the big screen and
I 'm sitting down here in my seat; so I'll roll dice and count, and
Then move my mount to Park Place and pay the rent, and spin again and go past "Go" to…direct the jail and the jailer too, since Lady Justice has
been selling her wares in back alley dives made for seedy affairs,
she can't...if it was he, or maybe even she, alrighty then
On the count of three, lets see...the balloons go pop in to the sky above on top of the mountain and down upside, around about
Just as mama bakes…us snakes because she has the shakes from drinking butter rum after beating on her drum so get out while you can lest you be drafted in the van,
Get out and run like…the wind when it blows, 'cos everybody knows, when mama bakes with the shakes from butter rum in a drum, we need to run Tom
Run, so we will remember…passion or upscale fashion or even Forest Gump or
Chariots of Fire lashin' or...Roman Chariots with whips thrashin' the horses so

Book XXXIX

Dashin' with Ben Hur flying and…earning frequent-flyer miles, bringing him lots of
smiles--except
When his luggage gets…by a 600 lb gorilla, that will really make the day a thrilla,
so go home and scrub the sink with brilla, er brillo, well I tried but hadn't
enough mellow yellow, so
I'll be shot at dawn by…a fellow photographer - she's a killer with colour, but turns out she too fond of a jape, her photo of me and the gorilla was captioned "Spot the real ape!" - I swear, when I find her I'll killa, I dare say
She was mad at me cos…I forgot it was our anniversary, so I headed for a
caravansary, there to drown all my sorrows, and dream of better tomorrows,
When pigs will surely fly, and antelopes will reach the…dry wine down now for the barmaid who's too small and a right cow, prop their forelegs on the bar and
Tell once more their joke -which we've…all herd before- "The prices in here are really deer! Har! Har!"
And we'll pretend to choke...moo, moo, moo, the cow jumps over the moon and
It's time to eat pretty soon away to the moon at...four o'clock, bogies at 4 o'clock,
Put on your best frock and…run around the block, and put your food in hock, and
Now that you've done that,
best put out the…yapping Chihuahua who's full of yellow water and something
looking like tiny Tootsie Rolls.
Deposit this on the neighbor's lawn, and the
neighbor will…cut off your right thumb and send it to mum with a note that
reads,
Stop those nasty…craps or I will play taps over that dead mutt, and then I'll
kick butt, you know whose I mean, so better stay clean and
Keep off my grass or
else it's your…father's turn to run through the yard, strip naked with his
belly full of lard, cause this is a bad time for picking, so jump us and squawk
like a chicken, saying,
Who let the dogs out! Who! Who...Doctor Who that's who, Lord of Time, Fighter of Crime, AND with a scarf like mine. Wooooh Whooooo! diddly dum, diddly dum! - good tune too AND the aliens were great - a dustbin and a plunger from the loo,
"Exterminate! Exterminate!" AND…flush them down the drain, do it, do it, do it before you lose your brain, and like momma said, stay out of the rain,
While all around the water tank waiting for a train, to…jump tracks killing hundreds of children inflecting much pain, care for a soda or
Would you prefer to jump in the middle of lake San…Antonio Bob who's looking for a corn cob, but he ain't no hob---nob that is cause he needs
A massage in the back seat of a dodge, a do wa, a do wa, a do wa...a do said the groom as he hopped over the broom sipping

Book XXXX

Green juice from a…jug, spilling all over his mug, and when he was asked what the stuff was, said 'pure anti-freeze, with sterno chaser if you please, and it leaves my mind in a fuzz."
So you quaff down some…of the buzz while you try to hide the stuff from the old man who's had enough and everyone else who's made your day rough, then you discover you're in the buff and decide
You too have had enough and...stuff the bottle under the cot and try to bluff Mum with your 'wit' I don't drink a lot - I spill most of it! Why are you undressed? I'm just checking to see if my birthday suit still fits me.
She's not impressed... she couldn’t rhyme to save her life. Couldn’t spell for all her might. Den she knew why it was so coz
She was as blind as a dodo…so in came a dog named zeeinaye, and it acted remarkably shy, says 'come wid me on the sly and we'll have borscht and good apple pie, but Mum feels its runny wet nose, and
Says 'it just goes to…to show that little things with four feet have to sing in the heat and
Wait until there was a ...hushed silence, that broke the air like crack that comes from the river
During the March thaw…a puddy tat, I did, I did taw a puddy tat, cause he wuz wauwing a widdle hat that fell phlatte while widing a calico wat namec Pat
Who is none other than...tom cruise drinkin his booze but soon he got drunk and took off his shoes to
Hear the owl's 'hoo hoo's…to the dove, Tammy Tammy, Tammy's in love', but a longshoreman came and told Tom to shove, so he departed and onstage came Sam, saying 'Yosemite, Yosemite' oh damn,
Someone prompt with me the next…"damn" cause Sam, Oh, Sam I am. Oh, no, not green eggs and ham, damn, damn, damn, green eggs and ham. where's that feline flea bag when I need him.
Sylvester, come here, cause...I tought I saw an octopus, with slimy yucky skin, just the thing I thought to me, to put my jewelry in, but it was instead a manta ray,
Oh what a bad surprise, crawling from the toilet, right before my…jumping Jehosaphat! (now that doesn't fit, however...) He just came out and sat, then made short order of my pet rat and grabbing my new bowler hat,
He bowed graciously and with a wave of his hand, bade me a good...morn, I could of sworn, though it was well in the afternoon. Then a with a tip of his hat and a belly full of rat he went on his merry way.
Tas then that he said with a nod of his head well...Merry Christmas to all, but that's the wrong line, so it is back into the salty brine, where I will get along just fine,
And you back to the…brink I think or should you sink into the clink and wink, wink, wink?Oh, you fink, how you stink and what did you…Show you care
If you dare and change those dirty...words into flying birds! Footlose and fancy free! (they've misplaced their feet, you see) and
Now to tell a different tale...of cows wings, fantastic things, but
Watch out for their far flung...scrapings - Who flung that dung? You should be hung by the tongue among the trees until you're stung by the bees! Have you no respect for grownups, you pups? I'll larrup you and your parents if they turn up!
That's if you ever had a mum or…a dad, which I betcha ran
Away from your insane rude and meaningless...pa, Who knows, maybe you're a mutt, like all those others.
Did you even look for your...brothers? They are hanging by their toes which is better than being hooked through their nose and used to
Troll for alligators in the Atchafalaya where...ya put your right sense in, ya put your left brain out, ya find your "inner Trafficant" and ya shake it all about
And that's how ya do the...Hokey. I'm drunk as a skunk! What did u plink into my drink? Think that u can hoodwink me? I zinc not, mon ami! Und eef u vant to buy a vatch, vell buy a vatch! If u don't vant to buy a vatch, vell leave the vatches alone, okay?
Just valk…this way, valk this way, but I am not under the affluence of incohol as some people say, so peddle your fish somewhere else, you liver lilied old son of self, and

Book XXXXI

Let me sober up on…milk and cookies for sure and a real cure for
That headache can be...a pill that needs a pill prescribed by Dr. Phil. Are you filling ill? Well, if you aren't, you will once you
Get a whiff of…creme de rancid butter, your ole ticker will be set a-flutter, and you'll run home to your mutter,
Who'll feed you some…Old Grandad's Shoe Polish Moonshine, distilled from rancid pickle brine under a stand of loblolly pines; here's a toast to a girl who's gonna be mine; hush child, don't whine,
Just pucker up for a yankee dime or maybe...a kiss, it's the least I can ask for
This dish of pickles in the... heather, and once you taste them you'll think there as light as a feather, but be sure to put your teeth in or you'll ask whether,
There's a place you can go to lose your…voice or write that big story, of course, with or without choice and rate that tiny poem or...make dandelion wine that's smooth and tastes so fine; pick up a fiddle and saw out a sad tune, dance a jig and that ain't all cause
We got a barrel of alcohol, so come one down...into the moonlight where the fields burn bright, the wind sighs in the treetops in
The soft summer night far beyond...the maddening crowd where the mosquitoes are all loud and proud and they all dream of one day becoming Dracula. They've already got their capes in storage,
They just have to see...all of the light, because as we all know, the darkside is where we'd rather go... so pry open the casket, and let the thing out, it will suck you dry without a doubt, but sunlight will come and wash it away, and you can go back to the fray,
Just catch the wine that pours out of…it's nose.. but really I'm one of those who prefer the more spectacular, ocular rather than oracular I suppose,
But then one never...can tell with the casting of a spell, just how well it will sail or will it fail, but that's what you get when you cast a spell by mail.
Then again you can always...come out into the light?
Sometimes the fear is stronger than in the night…the poem drifts to the darkside, we must put up a fight, so take your picks and shovels and dig to the light and
We'll escape into the… dark, dark pit, Oh s-------NO, we cannot go there! We must go to the light, but it's night. How can we go to the light when it's night? I know, a flight, but where?
To the dark side of the moon? No! we will...find doom if it's there where we loom.
We need to reach for the...sky, so that we may fly. Like birds of a feather, perhaps with a sprig of heather. A balloon way up high, watch that guy sigh, as I land one dead center of his eye. Haha,
I made him cry, poor old bloke, maybe he needs a...cloak to keep him warm and free from all harm, from those like me who sting like a bee, but can't float like a butterfly, but
Sink like a…sinker poop instead of floating like a purtid poop loop that's so long that it might stop up the John,
But doesn't because…like me, it sinks like a charm,which caused alarm to a gendarme when I jumped from the yardarm of 'La Belle Dame' to impress a schoolmarm who remained lukewarm (ouch!) so I returned to the farm with no one on my arm(sob)
Next time I'll try to…pick a little, talk a little, pick pick pick, talk, talk, talk talk and rhyme a word like phone, one I can condone so
I'll call my padrone and he'll tell me to…go get it blown, out of your exterior whatsits. No, no, no, not zits. I tell ya' some words really give me the sh...ould I have said that?
A red face, I am in disgrace, as I put on my furry...jerkin, look 'round to see who is lurking, while the coffee is perking, readers' faces are smirking, at
The lines I've been…jerking around, trying to astound, but instead I've clowned - the playground rather than the profound, the fairground rather than the solid ground of renowned sense leaving the audience spellbound, and
In fact I sound dense if somewhat…disturbed on the line, i'm only mine, no not in my time, but
I'm doing just fine and I need to…crap so hold onto my hat and I'll be right back, ah that is better, I'm light as a feather, so

Book XXXXII

I'll check the weather and head for the…hills for the thrills wandering gaily through bills of discontent
Due to senate chills from military drills...brought on by unnecessary frills and covered-up ills, but someone said "gaily" and "poof"
Like a daily genie in a bottle, this message hit the throttle, then...back to her cabin with her in a flash, while we poets continue our words to smash, turning the English language into hash, and gives us
A case of diaper…slash, the cat fell in the toilet and now needs a bath,
Mom's gonna hit the ceiling when she finds out…we were talkin trash, then she'll make us live out there with the rats, without anything to mash,
Then she'll...hang us from a meat hook and smoke up all our stash, she'll
Leave town in the red rambler with us hanging on the…meathooks in the freezer by the door, just like she's done so many times before, though I told her just like
Elvis did "Now Momma, don't be cruel" but…did you look? Whisky and rum in a blender! Hell mend her, she's on another 5 day bender! She'll spender money then act tender to men of the opposite gender so they'll 'lender' cash so
She stays smashed in drug-induced splendor. What…kind of mom is that? The best kind! 'Cause you're left behind to pillage and plunder and tear asunder,
To party hardy and make some thunder, to...hang from the chandelier and shout out all your fear, make it so perfectly clear, that Johanna's not here, ooops,
Stick a lampshade on your head and…dance on the ceiling like you have no dread. Then visions of Johanna will be all that remain, as you cling to the chandelier and
When the sprinkler system starts to "rain" and you...cry "havoc" and let slip the dogs of yore, and the neighbors call "Thor!" the local cop next door,
So he calls upon…a telephone or maybe he just played on the xylophone as Old Mother Hubbard got her poor doggie a bone,
Now he's gone to...the local bar, because they have the best beef by far, and
While he is thar, he'll...ring granny Sue tho' she lives quite far. Sue'll put manners on you! Expert in ku-fu and what she can do with a shoe! You'll be black and blue for a week or two –
Don't argue or you'll rue the new hue from her thumbscrew too. Best you…admit your mistake, put on the brake, and call the insanity hotline, talk to Dr. Child, he's really wild, he'll make you feel rather fine.
Now hang up and go to the place where…Oh No! No! No! Don't call that unsanitary hotline! But me no butts! I called it once, the swine was nuts! Kept telling me a dirty story - but
I cut him off before he got to the end - the guy's round the bend! Best you…jump in bed and cover up your head and pretend that you're dead, then rise and shine, put all your troubles behind;
Say what did you do with that bowl of jello, you know, the one...that smiles and says 'hello'; you were supposed to smear it on the floors, to keep out quacks and other boors, don't tell me you ate it, that would be bad,
It was made with axle grease and a can of…lighter fluid that we confiscated from a hooded druid, but don't feel bad, scrape up the jello like a good little fellow, then turn around and
Put your right... foot in and shake it all about;
Write that story with that pen and... trash it in the end, forget what it's worth it'll bring you no mirth;
Unlike that chicky from the corner of Main St. who's...walking up and down the street, taking notes while
She watches the feet passing her…beat as she trolls for denizens, and not self-respecting citizens, in her fishnet stockings, she is rather shocking, she's not what you think, she's the fuzz on the brink, set out to lure, johns so secure,
Who pay her…in bills, unmarked and non-consecutive; She can't trust you to let her live, but

Book XXXXIII

That doesn't mean that she won't give...you a, uh-uh, how shall we say, value for your pay, or maybe just show you the way to the state of myopia where everything seems nearer not to mention dearer, but
It's all a sham devised by...hissy fits complain about your life and claim it's the pits; then
When you get the urge find a toilet and take a...bowl of Campbell's Beef Stew, pouring it in and around that porcelein bowl. Then rushing out of the stall, yelling to all, "Oh my goodness!
What's happening to me!" and then...where is AJ, to write the perfect riposte today, to your beef stew ruse and prank, good god, she'll throw you in the tank, and
You'll drown floating in the stew, what a fitting…thing to do. But I have other foods on my mind, as in food-for-thought that you'll find if
Now, I've gotta go…dig up some more trash that I have in my stash; just look for me in my army suit with a sash, hey, I'll be driving my nash while on the motor I'm cooking hash, say,
How would you like to...go out for a drink at a bar at the brink of the edge of the end of time.
We can sit and drink beers for thousands of years, and write songs that...make you cry and lay back and sigh, while gazing at the stars spinning in the sky.
Then wake in the morning and...wonder why your hair's awry,there's cramp in your thigh,your throat's dry, your tongue growing fungi,you've a red eye, you've lost your tie. Why? You been a barfly for centuries gone bye! Don't try to deny!
Forget the sci-fi and…come down from the sky and get your feet on the ground, comb your hair, dress with care, and leave without making a sound; head for the sea, plunge in with glee while Celini Dion serenades, wave by to Jack,
Swim on your back til you reach…the great oak tree out 'hind Harley's Texaco station, check the tin can for your latest mail ration, left behind by a man in black driving a big white Cadillac; get in, son,
And we'll...see if it's Hank or Elvis driving, can't be, neither one is thriving, hope it's not old George Jones, he's DWI down to his bones, but you don't care so its off to Nashville,
Closing your eyes in case he…enters Gnashville by mistake and hits the brake, announces he's on the bake and take, which totally baffles 'cause
Tomorrow starts the raffle and...that will really snaggle all the lines so haggle your way to Podunk or else you're sunk like a hunk of fresh meat for piranhas, so head for Savannah [oh brother] and take off your hat, yelling
That's where it's…firin like a squad of overeatin' monkeys still diving for pirhana
Below the decks of…the Titanic, ahoy! It hit an iceberg and the monkeys are jumping off the ship, because the over-eating monkeys know
They're in really deep…poo-poo-ing poodles following the noodle up to the Lady and the Tramp while
They wait for the Italian…Stallion who drinks wine by the gallon, while giving a little vamp, then off to the diner, is anything finer, than home fries, grits and sausage, wash it down with the finest ground nuts from the land of outage, and
Salute the chef with a burp and a…nod, maybe poke even with a cattle prod, but alas how silly, to get all willy-nilly over a humble meal.
Consider the day before...when out in the back, with a swish and a tinkle, to the building with a half-moon on the wooden door,
Hiding in the corner...sat little Jack Horner, eating a plum pudding pie. I said "See here, Jack, get out of my shack, or
I'll punch you in the...in the eye, Jack stood up and he wasn't so little, he towered over my head, he brought the pie down on my crown, my cleaning bill I'll dread, so I got off the floor,
Ran next door, and called to…Bubba for help. Said get here, Bubba, and deck this Wubba or you'll be gettin' the whelp. Bubba agreed after he accidentally peed and finally gave me assistance.

Book XXXXIV

He took care of Jack with a double-left whack and…said "here's your piece de resistance"; says I to my man, 'never knew you could can, such rhymes while bashing his face", says he "it comes natural,
When you're smart and…cha-cha-cha in the midst of flamenco salsa in the rain on the plain in Spain
While the country singers twang on…a peice of string and sing about how bumble bees can sting and are
Tired of all the...tilapia served, they say the chef has some nerve, why not chalabi's with onion to eat, now there's a real man filling treat, but the chef wields a knife and
Screams aloud…"Tacos! Bananas! They do not mix! Platano! Potato! Tomale! Paprika! Pollo con Curry!
Now that's a spicy piece con..."brio, con carne, con Mickey D, 'hey that's a better idea he said with glee' so off to the arch he traveled, while the seam of his pants unraveled, in
He went and ordered a…burger while the seam of his pants unraveled further. Then, as he paid his bill he felt a chill and the stares
On the patrons' faces were...murkier, he wondered 'what's wrong, bought a sarong, for his girlfriend the immortal Susie, when he went for his cash, he felt the gash in the fabric and felt woozy,
He fainted away and…the man said his name was Howie, who was looking for his black and white cowie, cause he needed to get some milkie for his friendgirl Susie
Who is really a doozie, but she...liked walking down the street with plastic bags on her feet, (she said it kept her toenails clean). and for breakfast she would eat six bowls of shredded wheat,
And if there was none left she'd get quite...mean but all he had was cardboard corn pops, which she said were not tops, so to the market he did have to run, as he stood in the line, he thought 'this isn't fine, she's ruining all my fun', so
He sprinkled her wheat with tabasco for a…trick, after taking one lick she'd had enough of that stuff and she called his bluff, putting a toaster in his bathtub when the water was running
She thought it'd be funny…"oh look what you did," he screamed, 'you made my cream sauce runny" as he pulled himself out on the shower curtain rod, then threw into the water a breaded cod, piece of
Which he intended to…use to fish for a whale, how sad that he only had a pail; "Cast it out into the deep," said his foolish mother, "I thought I saw your bobber leap," and so he did and
In the bucket he caught a...politician from New York, who was eating roasted pork, and looking just as happy as a clam, so
He put him in a sack, and...took him to the park, feed him and kept him after dark, then brought him back to give him to the sharks.
When they returned to the sea...he strapped him to the mast, then gave his line a cast, into the darkening mire, when flashed St Elmo's fire, so Elmo took control, and brought out a bowl, of awful shredded wheat, now
Wasn't that a…treat, to find in the street, enough to feed a fleet and
It wasn't even…shredded wheat but a mixture of sand and sawdust
Which gave a shining lus...tre to his eyes of magenta that must have come from ghentia, the very pits of hell with
A story that he shall tell of...souls he should sell, but ring the bell to send the cat up the well, deep
Into the darkness of the…mines, covered with thick vines, tasting of salty brine; the cat if it is smart, will head for the K-Mart, pick up a shopping cart and
Buy some crenellated…mushrooms! lovely big oyster mushrooms, to
Go with his...ball of string, he walked down the isle for that lovely thing. Then he thought of fish,
Oh what a lovely dish, best served with...hashish, but only with The Commish. The cat swallowed that Fish when he made his final wish to the Warden In Command of The Celestial Garden,
Now he's strapped down to the...wall that collapsed because it was a stall that horses used to maul whenever they didn't want to haul fish to the ball since

Book XXXXV

They weren't unionized or...Galvanized against the lies and tearful cries and long goodbyes and
Apple pies covered with…ants (with spies!) because she left it on the ledge, to cool until Bridge,
The tourney with the ladies...who threw the men fine daisies as favors while they bruised and
Broke in jousting and…rousting about like two June bugs under a blanket in their nuptial dance when he ripped his pants just when he broke into
The dropsy snide with the electric slide before he...smashed his guitar and set it afire, and then went out and punctured a tire, screaming "take that you lily-livered fop, and have a dairy queen with the curl on top"; now how did we get to here,
It's simple, it's…quite clear; we're here to do our worst, and considering that
We've lost sight of the first...banjo player,
We might as well...burst with thirst and rock with our wrath and
Wax our wrath with five easy...blackbirds baked in an enchilada, the raging heat made them sing castrata, so we made ice tea with four bags of Salada, neat placement huh, your persona non grata, so
Hand the ball off to…Eric Estrada havent heard that name in a hellovallota, years go by and the meaning eludes me, what are we writing?
What will this all mean to...rancid, flatulent cheese doodles,
Who randomly caress…the noses of the finest highland cows,
While taking a sip of...the curds and whey as it languidly slops against the sides of my glass; I take it with a little grass and a lovely lass who's now past 84 years old and
Quite bold for her age, so...hand in hand, we jumped over the wooden gate,
Spilling the curds and whey all over...Little Miss Muffett, who got extremely mad, and strangled that spider beside her.
Of course, now she's facing charges of…mediated murder with intent, but there WAS a witness, and that was
Little Bo Beep who while out...picking up a pizza pie, saw it with her naked eye, now she's held as a material witness, tho some really question her fitness, so
Wait 'til the mouthpiece gets her on the stand, she'll…go outand start a band maybe even buy a hand to
Play the guitar at the bar...and even maybe be a star and fly over the moon with
The Cow That Jumps Bushes and leaps and…cavorts into the night, from which they take flight.
Come with me and dance in the…sea, like young dolphins do, in the wild wondrous blue, and
Later we'll...wash up on the shore and sprawl like jellyfish destined no more to launch out into the deep to explore; ahoy me matey
It's a hook and a sword that...once belonged to my lord, he is no more, he lost his gourd, but don't be alarmed
He is now on the…make, grabbing every bit of food he can take, even the dolphin washed up on the beach, oh my, don't you think he's a bit of a leach, get out the stun gun and give him a shot, then
Drag the carcass to…the nearest movie lot and say, "Ya want extras, well here's a sot. I know the price for 'em won't be a lot, but a cameo appearance should...
be quite fair, we paid quite a ware, for you see,
The cameo is none other than Cher, who has her…terrifying hair in a box out there in the hungry tiger's lair,
That cat that licks and kicks and sticks and flicks...snickerdoodles at passers-by. Why, once I found out,
I could not hold clout, and was forced into…wearing a pink tutu and
Dancing with...a Bear name Sue.
Why, what, where, and…how so this came about I was left with no doubt, I had left my union card at home, and was reduced to reading a pome, about Bubba and the 7 Year Itch, and boy, do
I think that is a…bore! I thought war and peace was bad, mind you while reading it

Book XXXXVI

I had consumed copious amounts of...rhymes. So we decided to stop rhyming, and instead
Focus on…the task at hand.
We had wondered how on earth the fire-eater got on top of the...big building, we were scared so
We ran away to...sheets and ran thru the madhouse shouting 'back to the swamps, rhymin simon is touting' so they grabbed the straitjackets and
tied them tight, with all their might, and it was just right in time, because
They had quite a fright as...possums went streakin' and all were freakin' out on the porch swing that was a creakin'.Then things looked bleak when
Jonny McFagget came and eat his cheesy waffle Jonny McFagget was quite cheesed off though because
There wasnt any brown…crayons left in the box, and he had so many holes in his socks, so
Just like that old pirate who lived in...mayonaise to put on his bagel, but only the white fluffy brought by Billy MacDagle; so he buried it in the barn for a fortnight, then dug it up and
To his delight it was...sugar, so he pulled out his luger, and shot the fool who made that rhyme. Says he 'sugar don't mix with lugar', but the panther of pomes said 'I'll fix you, booger' while
The audience groaned and wrote…(although some phoned and moaned) and disowned the author: "We came here, cologned, rhinestoned, and high-toned, to hear some honed epithets intoned, instead the writer's obviously stoned, and simply droned on and on.
We demand…an upper hand and a reprimand, we take a stand and demand that this not stand, a reprimand and
A bucket of sand that might be crammed…down the throat of the offending poetaster, for he has written a total disaster, "Ugh! Not more"
They screamed in horror, and grabbed their weapons, and headed for…the O.K. Chorale. "Howdy stranger, you're a stranger, ain't you stranger? It's sing or swing. We're heer fer the chorale an' if it ain't good it could be fatal.
Jeest open yer throat and give us a note or…we'll play a humdinger tune on your navel. Now we know you don't want that to happen, so
You's best commence to harmonizin' and sappin' and...swing yor pardner and doat se doe swing 'er around and do some moe; we ain't got money, we ain't got time,
Spend yo quarter and turn on a dime, everybody now...put on your boots (that were made for walking and not dancing, but nevermind) and
Put your hamster in your...schoolmarm's hand, and watch her hit the ceiling, she yells at you, "oh you brute, don't you have any feelings", "sure are mighty purty' you reply, while you
Rub the cinders out of your eye, and from the bar grab a…jar full of
Pickled...earthworm tails, basted in a sauce made from breast of snail, with a pan of mamma's eggs and ham, and baked up biscuits with jelly and jam; yesss!
Come on over...come one and all, don't be shy now, bring your mother, your father, your dog, why
Even your...cardboard stand-ups are alright, long as they stand there and don't take flight, 'cause
We're not chasing no…stinkin badges, and don't try to cadge a smoke and a light, cause we'll lay you out flat down on the floor, you'll holler 'til you can't take it no more, where were we now when I lost the way, why
We were heading for…Wyoming m'am. Wor roamin' the lonesum prairie. Whar a man's a man and the cows jeest luvit. What's a purty little thing luck yew a-doin' of outy heer?
Yew one o' them thar male order rides.? Har har! Sorry...after we got there, we sure were sore; I was sure I couldn't take it no more. I had to lie down on the floor.
"Move over!" David roared...and let me lie down on that there floor, i won't mind the rats, even though
They are the size of... cats, but m'am rats is the least of yor worries, we got polecats, bobcats, hellcats, muscats, wildcats, hell even our gnats are big enough to wear cravats - you ever done combat with a wombat m'am? Thought not.

Book XXXXVII

Yo need to be bats to…file affadavats, 'you spelled that wrong, it's an 'i', 'too bad says I, let it go by, rhymes with cravats don't you see', then he sicced the wombat on me, so
I turned to my mate and…screamed in frustration because of the rhymes! The horror!
It was almost too much to bear, much like…when Bubba turned purple, don't you see, it was not good because nothing rymes with purple except, orange. Oh the brilliance of my mind that can make purple rine with orange and likewise to ryan with watermellon
Do you think...that cheese is good? I sure do. So rich and creamy, and it melts on your tongue.
I like oreos too, but thats something…that makes me pound the black and whites and keys in between while she sings and slings patter. Rhyming is passe, so I'll retire and listen, so
Off with you now, keep the…place glistened, till the cows come home and the strawberries kiss'em and you forget
You're a special gnome with unlimited powers to...create snow globes, which become
A syncopated, flowing globule of…drool - any fool on a barstool can do that, you don't need a gnome on a toadstool, anyway gnomes are uncool and passe like a toupee, or nosegay or even foreplay judging by most sceenplays today, but
They're okay if they're risque but I…am totally lost; gone at
What cost…perfer a good old down home script, one with Lassie and my dog Skip, and Beaver Cleaver, he's such a pip, so you guessed it,
I really don't give a rip, or...a jade monkey that dances in the nip,
While juggling...an egg, a piano,and a parsnip. "What's that Lassie? The old miner is trapped down the pit with only 2 hours air left in it." Gawd, could that dawg communicate! Ours says sh*t all.
We were robbed while he snored in the hall, I'd hate…to debate the merits of Lassie and Timmie compared to Rusty and Rinnie not to mention Orca and Shamou, how about you?
And if you wish...upon a star.
Makes no difference...to dogs who hog the eggnog with their eyes
All agog.Why, they even...hang around the mall, wearing crappy band shirts of linkin park, secertly
Listening to briteny spears in their... sharkskin suits and elevator boots, passing the kouchie on the left hand side,
While taking...a walk through the great divide.
I stand and stare...at the riptide that echoes my feelings inside - that ball wasn't offside! The referee's cockeyed! Where's he reside? He should be shanghaied hogtied, whipped with rawhide plied with cyanide freeze-dried and then tie-dyed.
His face is…full of fear, his eyes wide as he tries to hide...

Book XXXXVIII

From the Darkside…and then divide as he multiplies,
All the terror that coincides. Vanish... while waving my golden magical wand and saying
The magical words..."Boom, Band, Bond! Here I am
Let the games begin...Taa-rye! Incipient nuclei!" and he'd gonned! and then it dawned - you've been dogonned conned! He only fawned and pretended to bond so he could abscond that golden wand of which he was so fond and he has by now pawned.
Oh! Despair…whatever shall we do? now that the golden wand has been pawned, but wait what is this I have in pocket?
Why it is a...my logaria, alas I'm too verbose, my tongue keeps wagging my jaws keep jacking,
Shut my mouth before I…starting to speak shakepeare, oh the shock, the horror!
To think that if...t'is nobler to sling the arrows at that pea-brained sparrow, or if we should break the window with light, alas what would be our plight?
Out, out damn spot, a dog you are not, so...away with ye, into yonder fields to
Frolic and...the sun does shine nicely on the sparkly tea. But don't let that fool you, 'cause round the corner lurks...evil coffee mountain, you'll be keen if you drink the bean, but beware things ain't what they seem,
Too much cafine can...drive you insane. The rain in spain falls mainly in the plain. (lol)
Rain also falls in...my beer, when I leave my beer outside,
eside the...dog he knocks it over and drinks that grogg...drunk and mean , sometimes corny
When my dog gets drunk he also gets…ornery. When he gets this bad, we tell him he's bad and then ignore him a tad and
Then we...tie him out back where there's a lack of things that are black.
Coming over the mat are…a cat in a hat and a rat with a bat. The rat says "Play ball!" and hits a line drive through the dining room hall,
While the cat...licks his lips and sharpens his claw tips thinking of the little rips he'll make when the rat trips and flips or maybe not;
He could...grab out his heart with the speed of a dart and then go to K-mart for a cart to wheel out his prey for the end of the day
He will...get the attack of the munchies, and his cupboard can't be bare, in his lair.
For what would he do if the badger and...a goat went to the track to wager? A horse is a horse of course unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed (teehee).
But I digress, the badger and goat...put on the same coat and promptly fell into the moat that had been filled with cresote; what a smelly bloke they were
When the butterfly...ate all the slime that they had left behind

Book XXXXIX

In their hurry to find...the treasure. They were told it was beyond measure and that filled them with pleasure. *Sigh* The contests almost through,
What are we to do...RedWritingWHO, please don't be so blue. I'm hope my line get there in time.
But if not...The Rain in Spain makes for
A Rainy Day in Maine…I won't explode, or implode, so I'm told. Still, the in/out will be here but
Will all of you be here, too…Oh yes, and the die is cast and the question is asked, who won the contest, who was the best; and at the stroke of midnight we'll unveil the plight and crown the winner this very night, but
PI will go on because...Windsy does keep us entertained. Yea! For Gailey, who won the side betting, now no wetting the bed while you're happy yelling! :)
Drum roll please...and some take-out, Chinese, maybe eggrolls with peas,
Hold the soy sauce, if you please, for...here comes bunny with her chicken chow mein
And...now that the folderol has come and gone, I can post my idiocies again, congrats to Madame Momerath for winning the prize, not sure what it proves but a pleasant surprise,
So back to chow mein and…the water chestnuts that go CRUNCH! in your mouth and
What is that, over there on the...south forty that is as the land is called, look at it now before it is malled, and see the cake for the Stories birthday,
Oh what a sight to gladden the…eyes of the stories' writers. But behold what is that crawling over my computer screen,
Why it is a...mimsy borogrove that the Momerath outgrabed! 'Twas a brillig that I won and am much obliged!
Calloo, callay, O, happy day...happy birthday to stories, happy birthday to you, you where born in a zoo, with
A jaded monkey and a...a kangaroo. But enough of this cheering, get the story back on track, lest we all be fired and put on the rack, so
Where are we now, back in the…living room, we were sitting on the sofa drinking our cinammon latté's (well I was) when all of a sudden,
The door flew open and in stepped...a dashing young panda with white flakes of dander
Who wanted to pander with the salamander about...the commander of the the army. Let's fly away Whee!
To sunny Miami! Or maybe...such things as why he could walk on hot coals of fire, but everytime he tried to, he just got his fire singed.
The salamander just looked at the dashing young panda and said...oh, you're not a gecko, but what the hecko, I will grab the idea, of the lady in red, and

Book L

Fly to Miami and take up a bed and drink…Old Overholts laced with clove leaves and make
The springs squeak like…pea in a pod what a silly sod. So the cat ate the rat and the bat hit the hat while the goat at the mote was having a tote singing 'whoops-ahay I've dud it agoon' and helped navels boon.
Such a silly sack of...hack work you've written, I almost think you must have been bitten, by a horse or a bug the size of a bear,
Oh why, oh why did you ever go…go - in the magificent go-go bars of the sausage people? you know your not really a sausage don't you?
Your a...Beanie weenie. Shirley Feeney wasn't a meanie she just wanted to be good.
But she stood...in the murky mire, sinking fast
Into the swamps of...her own desire. Until at least
The only person who could save was... certain doom. But shortly after,
She was spared, by...a rotten mushroom.
It glowed very brightly and frighfully, as mightily as...it could. The mushroom's glow was so bright that
It attracted the attention of...the local sherriff, who called in his deputies to
Do the deed of...love. With a glove from high above.
Then he...climbed up on his silver steed, and flew away at amazing speed, until
He reached the land of...Bizlflixzit, where a git is not a nitwit, and a bird is not a tit. Is the word, related to a zit. Oh dear, the silver steed just weed in my apidistras, and that waitress - all the horse manure.
Having said that, is there a...poo eater from the planet zorg in here?
The poo is very near, infact it's creeping up my...doctor in the house, to treat my sick mouse, who is infected with louse, at least she's not a souse, so hurry Doc, be on your way,
Come and save my…monkey, he looks kinda sick, I think he was bitten by a tick but
It might have been a...piranha, , originally from Havana, now living in Savannah, now that's really stretching things, now say baddadadabing, and
Let the next add to this…contraption which by now stretches from Tucson to Asuncion and the piranha have become the mosquito which resides in Quito riding in the hair of a hobo and
As they say, doo-dah, doo-dah, huh...let me you now..."doo-dah, doo-dah, huh!"...grab your partner by the hand and swing her round the room, but
Be careful of the...vicious cat, if he sees a dancer he's sure to attack...if you know a hunter who has the knack of calming an evil feline that is black then
Go ahead and…do your thing with your beaded catnip toy and
Your...almond joy, but be careful of his claws, they're like sharp buzzsaws, put on a padded mitt, and be sure it fits, else you'll go home all scratched, and

Book LI

The doctor he will patch your…arm with brown paper and vinegar, then you will have to
Walk around smelling like and old...like an old song of moonlight in the palms, that found the
Ground in the fronds...beside the old oak tree, that used to be there, but was cut down ten years ago,
Because it was full of...donkeys, say man, don't you mean monkeys? Not these monkeys, these were donkeys, or were they mules, I ask the fools who live in the cabin, and see what for dinner they're habin,
They say they eat…squirrels, that overtook the it and made it
Hang loose like a mother goose and...ole Farmer Brown who had a tryst at the edge of town near old Mother Hubbard's house after her doggie moved into the shoe with Little Boy Blue; and
He blew his horn like...Louis Armstrong, while his daughter showed up in a thong, and his son beat on his gong, now do you think anything was wrong, or
Do you know…who they could have harmed? It would'a been like running to scissors, as
They ran hither and...Oh bother, the funky monkey and the wonky donkey did what to the squirrel? There names weren't Cyril, were they? Hey, does anyone knows who owns this bleedin' feral cat.
Oh drat, hi Doctors, is it time for my...injection, then counseling for rejection, while I sit in the ejection, seat that is, and eat bonbons with Kool Whip, and plan my next big trip, with
The cat who is really…hip. Gp grubber unite (or is that untie Starr? teehee) it's time to take a bite, a bite out of the night and for
The right to rhyme in time to...the slime dripping down these walls,
Time to get the mop and... broom, 'ere it looks like the Temple of Doom, or maybe like a teen's bedroom, and grab a rag, an old Fruit of the Loom, and
Start cleaning those…walls, and doors and oh my gosh! what is that lying in the corner,
I'd completly forgotton about the...cat. The frat cat in the hat, laid out on a mat next to a fat rat; p-ew is that dog doo? I just stepped in dog doo and I didn't have on my new shoe; between my toes, oh...it's a treat to put your feet in the Mississippi mud, sing it out boy, like Elmer Fudd, then get back to cleaning if you know what's good for you bud, and remember,
If dog doo was bad, what about…Tweety's leavings? When they're in season, they can't be beaten, but
When they're in...heaven, and their heart beats so that they can hardly sleep, when they're out together dancing on my feet, SO SWEEP OUT THE CAGE AND STOP DANCING WITH THAT BROOM LEST

Book LII

I SEND YOU OFF TO YOUR…doom, for I am the grim reaper, that scowling old soul,
Who'll bury you body deep in a hole, and when...and when I'm done, I'll have some fun, but letting my doggie water your grave, so you'd best get busy cleaning my slave, and don't let me hear you rave, or rant for that matter,
Get in there and push that…brush, and no body cares so just hush,
You going to…be forever lost,
If you don't pay the cost...on our Little Isle of Insanity
Where a cute ickle flopsey bunny jumps about amongst the grass singing floyd and...dancing in the moonlight, until Bad Elmer comes with his gun, to have his fun, making the bunny run until the sun throws down a ray, to start the day,
Sending Elmer away to his…secret hunting shack, where he'll have a little snack, of crackers and rabbit stew,
Then he'll...run and run to look for more fun in the sun, and where, do you ask?
Why, on the Isle of Insanity and...he'll take bunny with him, but the place is full to the brim, with fox and red-tailed hawk, oh what a whim, to put hare on a limb, and without even a squawk, so
Rescue our rabbit and take it to…dangnabbit, ain't nuffin' left of tweety, he was such a sweety. Elmer shouldn't use a shotgun on the isle of insanity, *&^~&*$#&%, excuse the profanity.
Rabbits are far more meaty, hey, ain't that neat--ee just blew a hole in his...cute little seaty. But cartoons will survive and thrive and stay alive, since Jr. likes to watch them, 'cause
He can't take a dive himself down the...rabbit hole of life, to meet the hatter or find a wife, but on TV he is protected from strife: Good God,
Aristotle, shut up and go back to…your ramblings and meanderings at the tastee freeze! Rats! Now I have to sneeze if you please! Pass me that container of Wiz 'o Cheeze?
Thanks a...mite. I look around in fright.
This whole thing is confusing, do see that...I might, if I were there in the night, but since I'm here in the day,
I figure it's time to play anway...so stomp on those bugs and don't miss the grapes, else you'll be fired and replaced by two apes, named Tarzan and Janie, who are bursting with joy, 'cause
Here comes their pride, his name is…Floyd and he wears a pair of boots to kick the stuffin' out of them two galoots,
A ridin' a Harley and listenin' to Marley on his way to…a peace and anti-pollution rally and to lie out in the sun on one of those lazy, hazy, boomps-a-daisy days
Drinking six-pack beer and…Taking pot-shots for fun
At the…bar, where they dance from afar, and wish they were

Book LIII

Stars of the...latest sitcom on the tube, the one about that bumbling boob, and his cute psychopathic wife,
When you see her coming you'd better run...for the Hee Haw show with Daisy Duke, Luke Duke, Stupid Duke and Daddy Duke, not to mention all the Dukettes who sat down at the table and et and bowl of crepe suzettes with
Boss Hogg while...peeling grapes. Oi! The harley's out of gas, who's been riding it dry, how crass. It was you Boss Hogg, weren't it, you bleedin' great nit. Why?
Hope your boots get sogg--ey-by-gum you're a nasty...weevil, the personnification of evil, 'Out of the fog, comes Ole' Boss Hogg', you think you's some Hells Granny, well
Someone's gonna kick your fanny, and send you to…jail and though you'll wail all the way there, you'll arrive in your underwear and blubbering all the while
You just might try to…flee, to the land of the free, where out of a hole, comes Anna Nicole, not Smith but Shank, and she's as flat as a plank,
So jump in her…car and go really far (maybe Zanizibar?) and
Then go…On a spree of buying...coffee, the flavored kind that blinks
Out your mind, and…The high-powered kind that leaves you, dead, but don't be mislead, it's all in your head, now it's time to be fed - will you
Have some...bread? Personally, I prefer to be fed in bed, but
Some people have said that...a table is best for reading a fable, so get off the surface, my dearie Mabel, and go watch Sopranos on cable, and
I'll eat this delicious…watermelon wine, a piece of twine and a crappy line, the basis of Anna Nicole's special, watch the mesh, you'll catch a heap of fish, served in a dish. Whoops, I forgot E! was through the satellite, uuummm, goodnight.
How about those...chicken drumsticks how are they coming on,
On the...navel? Last time I looked, I swore
They were able to…stand up and salute, oh brother wasn't that a hoot, but you should be eating fruit,
Like pomegranates and…being astute, as you are, voting Anna in as Czar, sure it's bizarre but
Not really all that…far away from what could be the truth,
If you could see the future forsooth...or farsouth--FARRRRRRRR south down about Red House where that dirty no good louse hangs out pouring moonshine in his mouth. Get up! You dirt bag, for there runs your old hag with the gimpy leg
Going to the town square to beg for...toothpicks and hickory sticks and if she's lucky she'll get some licorice whips.
Red house wine is very fine and even kinda...good for you, if you don't cross that line, and drink so much it messes with your head, and you end up
In a gutter or end up...getting arrested. And in that cell

Book LIV

Another inmate may ask you to...whip thick with that licorice stick boy, I need a new toy, a ploy. Yoshyammoy, am I reading that Anna is wanting a kneading? I'll volunteer to help the magnificent mammarian mistress ease her distress or dat dress. Does it matter.
Oh dear, not another...call on my cell, I fear this might be the poet from hell, trying to stir up all sorts of trouble, trying to prick the gonfalon bubble,
What nonsense is this, you ridiculous...list of words I will not write, improper for this site, like er following something done at night, or during the day
If you’re a...God bless America; land that I love. Stand beside her, and guide her, through the night with
The light from above...bat with insomnalistic bent, wondering where the night went or maybe you're not sleeping trying to pay the rent, just give it up and go live in a tent or
You might...crawl around in the darkness, looking for your lost stuffed teddy bear, cause you cant face the darkness without him, then you
Kneel on the ground and...drool and howl, which brings a response from an old barn owl, it swoops and it grabs your little goatee, while there
You are yelling that you have to...pee, then it lets you drop and you're suddenly free to do somersaults in mid-air and get tangled in your hair, while
The pee goes after you and...p-ew! I see pee on my knee. I'm gonna shave off that goatee, except I lost the key to my 286Z and now I can't flee;
Oh fiddle-dee-dee, I'll just...go to Alabama with my banjo on my knee, it's sure a whole lot better than my stinky pee, the word I was aiming for earlier was 'flee', but we went into the toilet,
Don't you...see that it's time to change the subject for you and for me are better than that
Don't you see....it's time to decree, the world should be free from discussions of bodily fluids, or
So said the...Leader of the Old Forest Druids, since serious matters are now at hand,
A blight is killing the trees on our land, and unless we...free Willy and wash all the bark, we'll end up without a Central Park, so hug your tree and tell it you're in love, with its branches and leaves way up above, and then
The blight will sure go...south to Red House, where the Ole Muddy Missi'cip has a mouth that swallows little boats, big boats and all in between, so go
Stand on the bank and (hahahaha) pee till...you croak. Later on,
If you eat too much corn...you will be scorn, for your for your much worn words that grate on the nerves of descent folks, so I say, No sir, Yasser
You ain't no pig in a poke so hallelujah...I got to the bottom of the page, without an illegal operation mess-sage, that causes PI to shut down tight, and that is sure a lot worse than tree blight, in old Miss or New York or Flawda for sure,

Book LV

So to your poke you ole...pig, while I light up a cig, and pour some more gin
(look at the state I'm now in!) so...so I can fry my brain in the rain, cuz you know,
It's just not the same...when you ain't here, Anna Nicole, though you look much too old to be so bold as to waddle around; them ain't love handles, honey, they're so floppy they're quite funny, so
Git down, turn around...and let's play gin rummy, or mah jong, checkers or some other game, while I sit here excited, so close to the flame, of the famous ANS, the witch of the west, but don't ask me to marry, that is
Bad for my...wary grandparents; they think that no one is good enough for me, so don't you see that
I must flee...to the magical dark blue Caspian sea, where I'll stand on the shore and emcee the Anna Nicole Smith Awards for the dumbest, most loathsome show in all the world for all of time and eternity swaree, so
Go...tell it on the mountain that life is a bowl of cherries and be merry and
Don't get scary when...winter winds blow, and the temperature sinks to twenty below, with the wolf at the door, and the ice on the floor, but the TV keeps showing the ANS bore, so
Try to switch channels to…find the Twilight Zone or the Outer Limits
To help you...sneeze. Oh please? ANS milking bats, tree-loving prats? Surely there's a law against that, moment when things become serious. I'm delirious with hopes and schemes, unfulfilled dreams. Poetry, the refrain for a troubled brain. Nuts,
Am I getting too...maudlin, and think I do too much dawdlin, turn off the TV, set yourself free, and
Write some good…code, if you're in the mode, to hack into Citibank, just for a cyberprank, and maybe
Steal some cash, to...pay your thanks, to the little green men in thunderpants. So come on now and do your bit, to
Prove to the world that GW is a...long lost friend, friends til the end, thru thick and thru thin, waiting
Until...pest for all to know and let that be
A lesson for...folklore and mushroom spore and bathroom doors.
Many more...words come to mind, as I sit here at the old grind, trying to figure out which link to follow, sometimes it seems all so hollow, so stop being a bore, get off the floor,
Close the door and run to...your true love who is an eyesore, and owns Barrymore's Drugstore offshore in Baltimore and sells hardcore cuspidors on the bottom floor in the corridor since the civil war dinosaur left Ecuador for Singapore;
Watch out for that swinging door...and watch out for that singing boor, at the all night karaoke bar, where swinging,

Book LVI

Singing people are...dancing in the street, to a really funky beat, generating lots of heat, while saxes bleat out
The chorus of...the na-noo-ga fleet. They jump to their feet to make a quick retreat, because they know
When they've been beat...by the hoofers 'cuz the beat's in their feet but the art's in their heart,
Can you tell them apart from the...purple jaded monkeys running through the trees, playing paintball while
Their fur gets...He grabbed my face slowly, kissed my lips.. and then he slipped off my shirt and
He started kissing my...puppie's nose, and said "Put back on your clothes, cuz this isn't one of those kind of stories.
It's a tale of two cities, not of...lust or dust or busts, but of a far far better thing to do, eat mulligan stew, while going to,
A place called...cumbiya-hoo! Call out Pooh and call ole Horton cause I just heard a Hoo.
A who? Yes a Hoo, a Hoo, a Hoo Hoo... hoo-yah anyone?
Anyone bound to be someone out there who...swings through the trees with a banjo on your knees, while
Scratching at fleas and eating stale string cheese, or...cap'n crunch, i've got a hunch that it makes a great lunch, or even a brunch, but never, oh no never i say
Should the cap'n be used for more than a...100 days straight or you'll be prostrate and losing weight at a terrifying rate, stick with porridge which has the look and taste of wallpaper PASTE –
That'll put hairs on...your waist, but a bunny on the belly, is better than pants full of jelly,so don't be disgraced, and
Be sure to make...your eyeballs and make you see triple, but that ANS double-ripple makes you start acting airy and
Simple and...u decide to give up the tipple cos ur mouse finger's shaky, u're headachy and flaky and feel about eighty years of age and ought to be sage enough to gage when u've had enough to assuage a thirst and not
Just drink till u think...you'll throw up in the sink, or smoke till you choke, like
Some Cheech and Chong joke, about...an old bloke who needs a good poke, in the eye I wouldnt lie
He has a sty that...makes him cry and want to die, an unusual remedy
He drank some...lotion; she said it was love potion! but it set his bowels in motion, so
He had a strange notion, he went...out and bought a cork, the shop clerk thought he was a dork, but he said 'if I have the right torque,
I'll stop myself from…falling off a cliff 'cuz my knees are stiff.Darn Vioxx stopped workin',and now

Book LVII

I'll have to rely solely on aspirin, for...these pains that are a jerkin'. Serious, furious, delirious, curious, you decide against the aspirin and
Mix some...Chinese herbals, a pinch of hairy gerbils, thoroughly you gurgle, beware you don't get burgled!
You stick it on your...pipe, let it get ripe, and smoke it until your insane, then flush out your head, with water instead, and wash it all down the drain, if this doesn't work, then
Take a...trip in the clear fresh air, give everyone the slip, strip, and run in the nip in corn-starched madness –
A good cure for sadness...and toenail scum (or so says Mum) who knows many
A remedy for...open sores. Speaking of flying fish, do you ever wish you could swish a dish of tuna fish?
If not, then maybe...coddle a pan of corn throttle or fix a mix of trail trix.
Delicious, nutritious, ambitious and...made of golden western wheat, take a tip from Tom, go tell your Mom, hot Ralston can't be beat, but
I don't want cereal, I want…a bowl of meat to eat!
Raw hamburger with sugar would taste mighty sweet, or maybe...scrambled eggs would be neat - fluffy, yella, an' full of salmonella, what a treat! Don't bleat about being sold infected food cos if you cook it properly it's as good as gold or so
An egg producer told me as he rolled...a smoke, mixing tobacco with the yolk, seeing it made me choke, but I held my nose and swallowed hard, those eggs made in a pound of lard, then
I ran outside and promptly…filched a widget which angered the midget. Then along came his girlfriend, Bridget
Who was in such a fidget that she...tied him to a skateboard, and rolled him down the lane, which knocked down all ten pins, 'cause
Midget bowling is the game, where...you don't have to be large, not as large as a barge, but be skilled, so you'll not be billed for the pin you missed, and have to be kissed, so
My advice is to take up...lard wrestling, yeah, tustling about. And if you eat the stuff, you'll be greased inside and out, at least that's what
The fat companies are...hoping, so shareholders aren't moping, as they are coping, with falling stock prices, the worst of the vices, of mices and dices and say it nice, they will sell out to the WWF leaving you and your lard
In a heck of a...flying sissor lock take down, and you might look like a clown; yes, one who is down or worst in an ambulance headed for town where they will
Use ultrasound to adjust...that frown and soon have you roaring with glee: " In the naveeeee. you get a boat ride for FREE!!! In the naveeeee, you can drink lots of TEA!!! In the naveeeee, you can pee in the SEA!!!
In the naveeeee...you'll eat lots of beans, which will turn you into a gassy fiend, so make it the Army instead if you want to have fun, they'll wrap you up and

Book LVIII

Teach you some…guns but they don't serve rum whereas: "In the naveeee… getting locked is the KEY!! In the naveeeee, you can wave at the SEA!!! In the naveeee, you can fall off the QUAY!!!
In the naveeee, you'll get tics and fleas.But in the army you'll get shot in the knees. So don't join the forlorn, to be the presidents pawn, just
Live as a slob in this nation of…'devil's spawn'? Pulleeze!; "In the naveeee … you won't feel all at SEA!!! In the naveeeee, the captain likes ME!! In the naveeeee .. we like to sing gaiLEE!!! In the naveeeee, da ra da da da DEE!!!
In the naveeee…yawns, since history proves if you're not in the grooves,
You'll turn a blind eye to the crap floatin' by, like higher prices, government's vices…but, in the Marines you'll slog through the jungles, in the Marines, you'll fix the naveeee's bungles, in the Marines, you'll pull the army out of a rumble, but in the Marines,
You ain't one of the humble, but one of the few...and the proud, so say it out loud, head for the recruiter, oops you went into Hooters, and we will ne'er see you again, until
You're ready to take up a…scale and put on a sale, remember though you are hale you're nothing but a whale with
A twisted sad tale on a brand new…hey, no need to rail! Set sail and have a whale of a time, c'mon ev'rybody: 'In the naveeeee, the chubs are chubBEE!! In the naveeeee, the clams are clamMEE!! In the knaveeeee, you don't get no scurVEE!!
In the naveeee…we all use condoms, so
We never get…crabs or scabs or puppydog tails, but using them it never fails, that someone goes telling tales, so back to square one to
Cover the Trail…but who is going to pay, if we don't use them? If I get a germ, It's all over you, but
I'm the one that gets…sneezels and wheezils and chills, so
Why do you, with all your ills...and pills, insist on rhyming when you know that I can barely understand you, speaking of which,
Why do you have plums in your...ditch, along with a blind man who picked up his hammer and saw, and a junkyard cat, who was listening to his friend in the hat, singing
Come home little…Joanna, the sheep are in the barn and the cows are eating the corn, so
You need to be here to stop the...rats who are growing fat munching on the cheese what was left by the sleeze when he left with
His shirt tail flapping in the breeze over...yonder and fonder of him we'll never be for he ripped off everyone in town equally, yeah
A fairminded con who slept out on the lawn and…but he had no brawn so he used his mind, to steal everything he could find, he didn't want to go back to the grind, so

Book LIX

He hightailed it off to…the local pub to
Order a...beer and some grub, while he plotted stealing golf balls from the local country club,
But...a local gendarme came in, reeking of nothing but gin, and proceeded to slap, cuffs on the chap, and hauled him
Off to the…cellar, where together they drank the pub dry. When the landlord descended the stone steps into the cellar
He saw…only one feller, he tripped over the other and
Was said to have muttered…do you stutter or drink apple butter or
Eat pecan clusters or...appear sandwichy to others? No sir, replied the squirrel, but you may talk to that girl.
So he pointed to lil' raid who was reported to have said…don't eat pistachios in bed, 'cause if you fall asleep the little shells will stick to your head.
So instead, you should…eat them while standing on your head, that way
Only the…carpet cleaner, Ted, who eats paint chips of lead, is going to get fed.
So the landlord, confused and slightly abused, perused through the…Gourde, patch with gerbils and guns and the military nuns who drink red wine - if you please - when they dine. Oo-er, watch out, in-coming sneeze.
Aren't pistachios…fresh like the summer breeze? As i am entranced and mesmerized by the necrowizardry of the Thelema,
i gently rub a dog's rectum with…my upturned toilet brush, because he loves it, and it makes him grin rather insanely, just like you would if
Someone rubbed your tummy with a dead…cockroach steamed to the gills, dressed in lace and all the usual frills; so don't write your will and don't take those anaceptic pills, just
Belly up to the bar and get your…drink on! Ain't nothin' wrong, with a little Vodka or Rum w/ a hunny bun. Then get on the dance floor, and prance all about, scream and shout, and
Take that fine dude home to…show him what a real woman can do until the sun turns blue, but
Don't be…shy, give it a try, you'll like it I guarantee; and think of the lark as you tell the mark that he's not getting it for free, so be off with you to your place in the zoo where
You can…go "woo hoo" till feedin' time and nursery rhymes run out of rhyme and Halloween appears with
It's customary slime that's…what you get for your yankee dime, so go trick-a-treating door to door, open your bag and ask for more; feed the witches who through the air soar and
Hide in the bushes…dressed like Al Gore, then go running for President door-to-door, but don't be surprised if don't get a treat, for

Book LX

Only Republicans live on this…"Beat it!" The well-dressed gorilla says as you turn 'round.
You shouldn't waste time but just…go down town. Get yourself the police chief; he'll be your man.
Together you can win this election, if only you'd…float like a butterfly, sting like a bee and get on the bus, jack; so don't be remote, buy those votes, and keep on
working on those calysis caused by paralysis found in your urinalysis.
So, if you know the ropes…kiss a few babies, tell a few jokes (PC unless you're with the blokes), pull a few strokes, and you're on the way to a win on election day. When you're in, you better know how to shred a manifesto cos
We're talking real politik when we…say 'Put your best toe forward and then, as the door's slamming shut retract it again, though there's pain if you don't and pain if you do, but
The worst pain of all is…squeezed til it's blue,you strain in and squash it, the toothpaste the cheese.
And when theres none left you…put it back in the tube, and take it for a lube,where they'll think you're a rube, they'll put you on the rack, give the tires a smack and
Fill up the…the sack with goodies including: a hand-knitted giraffe that squeaks 'mea culpa', a left-handed bomerang, a blue glass ball labelled 'Fosdick's Furniture Store Supporting The Arts', a pebble with a thermometer glued to it,
And a…stuffed donkey that throws a fit. I do not like nit-wits, you see....
oh dear, a sniper typer, how uncool. Here, old chap, let me wipe your drool - now you know you're not allowed out alone from the home. By the way, I forgot to say 'a leather tag for a key inscribed
A Souvenir From Dundee, so perhaps…he's going to the Land of the Free, and the Home of the Brave, so he can have a pizza he craves, while custom agents rant and rave, about
His bag filled with loot and…the Queen, no not that Queen but the Queen of Mean, the hotelier beyond compare, who married the old man fair, and took his wealth when he croaked, and Danbury did visit for a joke, so
That will bring you up to…speed so don't listen to that band, Creed, cuz
They like to smoke that weed and drink that…peonie flavored tea. If you ask me do we need another Doors wannabee, I say the hacks the heak outta
the crow's beak, so to speak,
But that's another tale, told by…a whale named flipper who is a tripper and
A true scrub…tho' she does blubber at 'Moby Dick' movies - quick, here's another wave of emotion – t’is time to set sail on the ocean, t’is tell to tell tales of whales and gale force .. ummm .. gales and ..Look! The mizzen mast! T’is mizzen! T’is ..
to cast and

Book LXI

His sen from japanese men for the "when" and "how" of a retarted…castaway looking for a fast getaway, who thinks that drinks on islands are dangerous and toxic and that's why he likes it, but doesn't realize that for low price
He can travel to…Lanzarote and be naughty in the sun and sand. I asked my wife "Seen the flip-flops?" and she said "Yes, and the snappier they all put their bikini tops back on the happier I'll be –
I'm not talking about depravity, just gravity, and...savagery. With all their unwanted flabbery, flaunting themselves at you I see." She stared at me and I too could see that she wasn't very pleased.
I tickled her feet and she told me…this parrot is dead and ceased to be, oh, why can't you see? He is no longer alive and all that jive!
So take him away and…let him stay, wrapped in spice cloth where he's safe for another day; bury him in sand, so he'll be well tanned, by the hot, dry silica then take him to a basilica and
Pronounce him dead or…shut him in the wood shed, for another day, when
He'll rise up and say…oh me, was that a dream from yesterday? Or perhaps it was that drink; I'll have to sit down and think, what was it
I thought about yesterday, was it…buying a toupee or just wearing a beret? It's hard to weigh - a toupee is such a cliché but the point's not moot, if you're not hirsute gals don't think you're cute, even if
They pretend to be blasé it's a sign of decay, still…decay is a bad thing for a mummy, for then even hirsute gals think you're crummy, and
Wearing a toupee won't help you, because…of the breeze, which will take your toup away with ease, while you race down the street, with bells on your feet, tracking it down, lest a squirrel bound, and
Carry it off, to his…den that is in the wooded glen. It'll keep the acorns warm and he can snuggle down in it free from harm or use it to patch his winter coat
Because it's…much softer than a goat, and as waterproof as a boat, in fact it's quite idyllic, since
It's made from cheap acrylic, purchased from…'Hair Raising Experience' - a discreet emporium off London's Savile Row, don'cha know, dedicated to rugging with staff fully trained in fawning and forelock tugging and
Whose motto is…'hair today, gone tomorrow.' So beg, steal or borrow, to end all your sorrow, and if new you can't afford, a used toup from their horde, will keep you snug, like
A big with a…cig-arette; but don't you know that dope's the go. Through rain and snow, in vertigo,
It's just a row of yesterday's…that are creatively displayed so that the music makes them sway, to the beat of the jungle heat, so puff puff that cigarette...
and huff huff but
Don't forget to set your watch to the…days of old, milk bones and mold. No need to hurry, no need to worry, all your day's are sold.

Book LXII

But keep your hand…in your pocket, and not in a socket, lest you light up yourself, like a jolly old elf, and go about your way, 'til the end of the day, then
Head for Mickey D's and eat some…fake meat, which is really the old bits of meat that no-one else will eat, then
We will all head off to the woods and dance to…the rockin' beat like a rockin bird who is eating some
Turd on the…roof of the house next door, but soon enough he flies away while squawking "Nevermore!"
This Edgar Alan Poetry was brought to you by Mickey Dee's, where…if you go against the grain, you can pick up a case of ptomaine, from the drive thru portal, staffed by the great immortal, Willy the Shake,
The man who writes plays, and tries to…Eminem's spittin' on your onion rings, while
You can get some hot wings at…Kentucky Fried Things, And top up with beans, From that nice Burger Queens,
Just over the street, where…the jaded monkeys dance to jazz and
Smoke…bananas from Havana like there's no mananas and shuffle their feet to the 'improvised' - Ha! - beat and plink, plink, plunk of 'Felonious Monk' who I wager is
The most notorious plagiarist since…poor John Major, who used to read Trollope, while eating a scallop,
Till he…curried favour with a trollop who he thought was hot stuff but got his fingers burnt sure enough cos if you seen a lady minus her peignoir, you better mention her in your memoir, or
There be hell to pay when she 'kiss N tells' to…the little french girl named La Femme Noir We be dealing the cards cross the miles and the yards and the game is always conundrum; We deal in the Marquis and
We're speaking malarkey…and now she is asking for my car key, to go downtown and buy some shrimp, or was she hiring the goodyear blimp for what I don't know but that's how she is,
A remarkable woman inspite of her…chimp who by no doubt hates me good for stealing his food cause i did what i could to conceal the POP
That was made by the pork chop in order to...stow away on the old dirigible, 'cause you know I'm quite incorrigible, when it comes to old zeppelins and such,
It really doesn't take much, to...learn Old High Dutch, I learnt it easy because, It was on a bottle of Hollandaise sauce, that
I bought in…a duty-free shop, where they played hip-hop, on the speakers that blasted away; so I bought some good rum, to take to the scrum,
And the skies were not cloudy all…day-sy, Day-sy, Give me your answer do, Am I going crazy, or

Book LXIII

Is that a…loose computer bank or two? "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave,"
The old central processor started to rave, while the…men the streets they pave, and mother begins to save, postage stamps by the dozen, to give them to my cousin, who is always cryin and fussin,
If you take away her…lollipop - fruit flavoured sop to childhood past, and wasn't that a blast?
But still I hear her steps drawing near, why…isn't that queer, the way the munchkins sneer, when they see you talkin
Kuffuffin over horseradish muffins, topped with…;sage stuffin', rosemary and thyme, but I fear now that I'm, running fast outta rhyme, but
Hark! there's my bell…ringing, that funky ring-a-ding, gently
Calling me to my...perky turkey that is simmering
On the old fashioned stove where…I cook bread by the loave, garnished with clove, by jove,
while Pa...the famous mule Muffin, though they say nowadays these shows take kids morals away, so no more Dillen the rabbit or Dougal's sugar cube habit..but
I say dagnabbit…bring back that rabbit, with his floppy ears and guitar,
He was always...amusing, though somewhat confusing, while mixing bad drinks at the bar. Like his whiskey and beet juice and sour cream surprise,
Now there's a drink that'll...rattle your thighs, rocket back to your eyes, bringing steam from your ears,
Then ..reduce you to tears, then someone hands you sterno as a chaser, they might as well give you a rubber eraser, it fries your brain and tickles your toes, you'll
Touch the ceiling with your…nose. And I don't drink. It makes you stink. You wobble and fall.
Can't hang on to the…ball, So get in the car, Don't bother to drive, Let a
jaded monkey lose behind the wheel and put U2 in the stereo,
Put on your funky...Winkebean hat, yeah the one what makes your head look fat! You know what I mean, you making the scene,
That's a fact...Jack, it's true, Lou, totally real, Neil, and you're oozing, Susan, 'charm from every pore' as you back-flip across the floor to cries of Encore! - or More! from those too dense to understand French - and then for a climax …
you
Do one of those mime acts, where you…Marcel Marceau, to stop the show, where the only sound, is applause going 'round, talent scouts are there to get a look, you burst out in tears when you hear 'get the hook', so you

Book LXIV

Take a flying leap into…the abyss, but then you remember you are from Miss.....cippi so you grab a jug of that old moonshire, rip off some cheese and start to whine; have you seen my man Bubba,
He look like a tubba...peanut butta, with...rolls of blubber, and he's a toe stubber when he starts to flubber, so we're gettin' worried, afraid
He's buried most of his attention in some unmentionable...act involing his pink tutu and
A purple feather...saying how do you do, and how's the weather, then he sings about the treat, of putting his feet, on the moon of Alabama, 'hey watch your grammar!' a critic shouts, while
Bubba wangles a…piece of my heart, breaking it thoroughly - completely apart,
Split down the middle i…play the fiddle, jigging along, to that stupid song - fishing for shrimp
While you…find your dreams in a mess –
Completing a…guess that your life is something less than what you had in mind, you were hoping to find, that pot of gold, but the trail has gone cold, so you...
hug a tree, then
Kiss the snow…then skip the self-pity and go with the flow, if ya got it, then flaunt it, that's what I say, so off with ya,
Get out and sing and…do It Your Way, altho' I prefer Bing rather than Frank, (less ego in his tank) and hey, poor Lonnie Donnegon's gone ! 'Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavour On the Bedpost Overnight' –
Yhey don't write them…using quills and pigs blood anymore, and a good thing too, we can't have
Dead pigs cluttering up the...floor - there would be no room for the jaded monkey of yore, I'd say Bess, at a guess, is
The best female singer this side of…Pat Benetar, who if memory serves me, shouldabeenastar, 'stead the light shone on another fauna, that sometime
Blonde with the name of…broken nose and wooden leg, with
Her beer in one hand and her…arm around the keg, shouting for seconds and thirds and more, then wondering why she was suddenly on the floor,
Guess beer is…not really Madonna's cup of tea, though I drink it myself while singing bad karaoke, with former TV actors in a seedy crosstown bar,
Then we...take a trip to The Ubiquitous Chip, - best by far for take-away haggis supper and deep fried Mars bar - pleasures much of society are deprived of by sobriety, although the server with the nasal drip tells us
He often served Elvis who…jiggled his pelvis whilst waiting for his fish supper, bet he still enjoyed a cuppa even though

Book LXV

He was American...in Ireland he could still wander around the streets and sing,
"I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy, Too-ra-loo-ra-loora-lye, Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, so they did the Mash, the Monster Mash"
As he headed into Paddy Mahan's…where, if he was pining, he'd sing 'Moon of Kentucky, keep on shining' or if he was down on the farm 'Oh, the cow kicked Nelly in the belly in the barn', though I know
He could have sung the definitive version of…a wizard's staff has a knob on the end, a song well loved that will invariably send all those who listen round the bend as they hold their splitting sides as
Tears run from their eyes even as...the caterpillars slide across their heads,
Looking for shamrocks and...jelly bean mats, the sky fills purple the ground is blue
The sky is green and my eyes are...pink, like a cute little mouse running around...
the mound over to third base when its face gets stomped on by
A girl holding a pom pom by the...cheese dip and nachos provided for our muchachos, dorritos and cheetos such
Appropriate snacks...there's nothing that cholesterol and fat don't lack, except
A room with a view and maybe...a nice little garden out back where you can lounge in the sun while
The puppies all run, round and round...digging a large hole in the ground, see how they run, faster and faster, till I tell them to stop, for I am their master, "The Master of Puppies" just like in
The song, by...Frankie and Johnny, (who done their past participles wrong), now why are those four geese, attacking my corgis,
I wonder aloud…as I wander not quite so lonely as a cloud while
I listen to Brahms whilst passing by farms and…practise the poet's art while
Listening to Mozart or…Motorhead's "Ace of Spades", while trying not to spill
My glass full of...lemonades, I remember that I saw you once
Filling the bucket with…Royal Crown Cola, spinning rock n roll disk on your motorola, dancing the bunny hop, and the mashed potato, and barking like Mickey's Pluto.
So you see it's... all quite clear that you've drank too much beer.
Your running around like a...frightened deer, in the headlights of my big Dodge Ram, afraid that into your body I'm gonna slam, so stop and stand up for your right, to party all the night,
Til the cows come home and the dog…hangs up his cell phone, and takes a break for an hour, at the meteor shower,
It gets his fur so clean, with a cosmic dust sheen, that's...almost obscene - quick call Mary Whitehouse,

Book LXVI

The fun stealing queen with her twin set and pearls...of wisdom so keen that all right-thinking folk esteem, a valiant-for-truth lady who battled those shady cocaine-snorting, six-in-a-bed media types, and how come I'm never invited to these parties? Only for arty-farties eh? Why?
That…she's going out with the girls, to hoist down some brew, which is more than you do, you sit in the house and watch the Sopranos, at least
You'd think you would play the…piano for your darling spouse, like that nice waltz from Faust, or another piece - who knows,
Maybe one more of Gounod's? – or…no, forget Romeo, the one on the radio liked by Pa ...oh hell .. yes, the 'Carousel' waltz introducing "Your Sound Picture Of The Cinema" which was followed - it's a fact - by
A ventriloquism and juggling act voted best…in the west, which caused a big schism - red hat or green for your paradise hotdog stand?
It really don't matter...cos the hotdogs on the platter have that Oxford St. petrol-fumed glaze - I mean a patina of age - which is all the rage with Americans seeking Ye Olde England artifacts, these snacks smack of skullduggery but
When I pointed this out…I was knocked about and started to pout, so being quite bold, I went to item #567580 to leave birthday wishes told; so shout it out and shout it about, that
Poetic Insanity is one year old...and showing no sign of mould, consider yourself kissed - Hey! Writer of the Winds - a poem for ye: No matter where ye be/Let your wind blow free/cos the holding o' the wind/ was the death of me
Rabbie Burns, sadly missed, although…wild and different but... He had a knack for smut due to a chemical imbalance, for he liked chocolate chip cookies dipped in mud and
He made me cringe with his drum rolling on...and on, he really did get on my nerves, so
I walked up to him took a kipper and...he was quite a nipper, so
I called in the skipper…and the Professor and Maryann, to see if we could come up with a plan, to
Get off of this island once and for all, and...Maryann all pretty and tan, stood on the sand wanting a man, but she wasn't Ginger who could wiggle her finger and men would linger,
Except for Gilligan who... tried to imitate a singer, bawling out his love serenade whilst Maryann drank lemonade in the shade,
Still pouting because...it made them all ill again, with even more fishes, (by the way, birthday wishes, even tho belated, your forum is great -Ed.) so here's a nice smile and –
Meanwhile, back on that island…they tried to build a raft to sail to Thailand - and it sank, plank by plank, and the future it looked dank and dreary
In accordance with the theory...of Plank-Sank, put forth by Hank Frank; but this theory becomes quite weary because

Book LXVII

Hank Frank and his Plank-Sank Theory was created in Erie when...the yeti came to visit bringing his favorite teddy bear, Fred along. When all of a sudden he lost Fred.
The poor yeti started to...howl, quite abominably, for he was in great pain, abdominally. I fear it's the worst, his appendix has burst!
So off to the doctor's we flew like a flash, and...when in rushed the nurse with a smash and a crash, the instruments went flying, the yeti was crying - in even more pain now - there's a scalpel stuck in his brow!
But the doctor...came in, rubbing his chin, and quieted the yeti with a stiff shot of gin. The scalpel came out, with a stitch in its place, and the appendix was taken without leaving a trace.
"A Yeti who eats spaghetti, " started doc, "never...saw such a thing, a great snow-ball of string!
Then he cleared up the pasta and dealt for Canasta…(of which he was a master) to try to win the fees he'd forgone, fearful of compensation setting in, and the Yeti was soon forlorn cos the doctor performed a -what do you call it? - Caesarean section of the wallet –
He should have known…his health insurance, would begin to do the exclusionary dance, so he was stuck with the bill and pain, and decided to rob a train, but
The days of Jesse and Cole were gone, so he chose a…buster frame, and bogged off to Spain, but homesick he became and came home to go to prison,
Unlike Ronald Biggs who preferred Brazil, until he did get very ill...from a bug bite late one night.
He was so angry he...took a little pill, a 'yeti's little helper" if you will, and all his troubles went away, so he took this abominable Prozac every day,
But he didn't like the side effects, that...curdled up his brain, so he took another remedy, standing in the rain, but he didn't see the danger, and that was that he'd melt, until his phone did ring and
He found that it was…dealt with by an enemy with a name like Mcmenamy,
Who wanted to kill him with a…abominable-otamy procedure, but he just responded 'see ya!' and in a flash off he did dash
Thus evading his fate e'en though...his mate (for whom he did not wait) took over his estate which
He discovered at a later date upon the…gate of the arrival to heaven, when he turned eleven,
He died but his...ghost could never rest and so the Yeti felt driven back to his old haunts on Everest where they serve the best spaghetti and jambalayas in the Himalayas and have a high old time drinking vodkas in jodhpurs and
Making passes at…the ladies who
Hike up that mountain, and...like to drink from that fountain that ensures eternal youth (though I'm not so sure that's the truth) - but

Book LXVIII

Them lasses have real nice...asses, too bad he was dead, but he had heard it said that
There were…girls down in hell,
But you never could tell…because of the echo from the well where all the lost souls dwell, and
Now the tolling of the bell foretells...a boxing match between the yeti and a, medium-sized giant panda, it's the opening round,
The yeti's been downed…he was clowning around and the panda caught him with a left-hander - but
He's up off the floor at a count of four, ducking and weaving…then the panda said 'I'm leaving, I've hurt my paw; for I'm a registered S.Com aufor, (no this isn’t a joke, its the way he spoke) - and if I can't type I'll be in distress,
So I'm off to tell the Story Mistress" so…the yeti's trainer was so enraged at this stage he roared "Forget the Queensbury rules for that fool" (He was really going round the bend) "Twist his arm off and hit him with the soggy end!
That'll teach him to…tell me I need a fur-cut.
With that the bunny lopped off and...did a pirouette across the floor then leaped into the air and kicked open the door; in the meantime, the large yeti, while holding a stainless steel machete, put on a large pot of spaghetti
Then said with a French flair…zis 'ere spaghetti’s c'est plus bon pour une panda bear - (I was always messin' during my French lesson - and I don't care tho I'm sure it shows!) - but
The panda then wrote a yeti-review that really got his goat so...that was all he ever wrote, until the day he discovered the gem buried in the sand, declaring,
"My what a wonderful man I am.", in a voice totally...like Vincent Van Gogh, (the artist that cut off his ear, you know?) He was quite good at French Impressionist impressions, and even held special sessions,
Where he...said "You say van Go, I say van Goff"
So the yeti (whose name was Joe), just called the whole thing off…and left, saying with a leer, "C'mon so, move along, you've no right 'ere." (He didn't say it to their faces, but he admired how 'Dreamland' had covered the bases.)
"I surmise the Turner prize will be won this year by…one legged jaded monkey with three eyes.
He will burst through the door with…his pants down, swinging around his ankles with no hint of surprise.
Joe…having no right 'ere, had to use a monocle to read McGonagall, so with a couple of 'ahems',
He opened 'Poetic Gems', but…unfortunately got some poetic germs, written by old man Fred Sherms, but alas, his monocle did not crack, not did it's lens turn black, because
He laughed so hard that...he started to hack, and

Book LXVIX

He coughed up a squirrel which caused quite a whirl…you'd then a thought he couldn't, cough up yet another rodent, but wait!
Here comes a gopher, coughed up on the sofa, then…wait for this, you’ll laugh - he coughed up a giraffe saying "How's that for a lark, I'm a veritable Noah's ark!" Laugh? I cried kegs until the tears ran down my legs,
"You should be on the stage" "Yes…as Willie said, we are all actors upon the stage, unfortunately we are all not on the same page; you picked a fine time to leave me Lucille, so pass me some booze and give me a pill,
Cause...never mind the good Will, you only have to look, to see some of us aren't even on the same book, But leaving that aside…let's all take a ride on that famous Magic Bus, to a place where some of us, may get lost in time instead... "Who's Next?" old Daltrey said, as he... stroked his Johnson; did you come to play? It'll cost you a week's pay, so don't look up and don't look down,
Just get along down the trail to...Deadwood or Dodge City, where the real cool Kitty is talking about the boy from New York City, and
It isn't pretty what a town without pity can do to a…dirty deed. People in need come from a common seed while
Playing panpipes made of reeds…singing "Sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell," an old Cake song that I think is quite swell,
Though quite obscure to be sure, but...not as obscure as that one by Moore no, not Thomas, Sid
He's the guy who cleans my car, or did before he…took the Stairway to Heaven, or was it purgatory, ah, maybe true, but that's another story, one that's not told by the writer or bard,
But rather give the job to…good old Nana Miscouri (who isn't from Missouri), but is known for her penchant for hard reviews
Which are most trenchant -ly expressed...and written in blood. She'll yell and shout, seldom is she right but never in doubt; so button up your coat,
Mount your billy goat and ride, boy, ride for the...bar and have a glass of beer and celebrate the New Year,
Living without fear...and on his wits,
He walked over to the...large pit and feeling very blue, and very much sick,
Indeed, he stumbled and…grumbled about how the snow "be thick, it is", as it came up to his waist. Through bleary senses, he'd have to think quick.
So he jumped some fences and came upon a...stick, but this stick was in the mouth of a fierce bear. But since Yoda was a Jedi master, he had no fear (even though the bear was drinking bear).
Yoda just looked at the bear, and said..."what's thought you've got inside your head? a stick you say, I’m supposed to dread?"
The bear turned away, and sadly replied...You know it's mighty cold outside, too cold to hibernate for me,

Book LXX

So I'd much rather…cuddle and
Be free…to hold an all-night rave in my cave, but no e for me, although I oughter still drink water because of the heat even though I dance to the beat in my bare skin, you see
I am 'The Amazing Dancing Bear!' now fallen on hard rhymes…but I take the NY Times, and the Washington Post, which
I like the most, coz…but still keeping with the times, dressing from GQ (special forestland edition), and ever remaking my image anew (with every failed audition), from punk to gangsta, scene of Seattle or of Manchester
I always...display my pay when it's okay to play the day
They pray for a partay...for you see Master Yoda, I am a bear without a care and
I love to dance the...Locomotive with no motive, but
Always wanting to...do a little pirouette or dance to the Bolero,
Yet…while driving his camero
He was always jiving even when...his brain was thriving on mistletoe and holly and assorted junk, which he thought made him look like a self-righteous hunk, then up popped a toll booth and
He threw in a…chunk of wood - but the toll collector said 'that 'taint no good' and drew out his multi-selector ray gun type brain corrector but whoowee just then
the sun shone down and in rays they drowned, singing songs of friendship and
love.
Then they bounded off to the nearest mall, there they went to...buy a shawl, for the days were getting chilly.
They then took a north bound trolley, to see a man who was…not named Willie, or Billy, but Holly, like Buddy, but not the Berry. and he was scary, much like a
pink-haired canary and he shouted 'Have a Merry!' cause his vocabulary was really very very limited because he found that he couldn't remember nouns.
Then he added 'And a Happy'…shout out to North Carolina because I left my girl who lived in Jambalaya,
You see her wearing a…twirl -ing sari of multicolored silk embroidered so pretty that
It makes you want to weep...tears of rage, tears of grief, why must I always be the theeeeeef, oh shut up and stop stealing lines, and start climbing on those jungle vines,
Beat your chest and be like…the saturnine Hamish McVine who frankly was a complete swine most of the time but he had a snooker table and so was able to count me as a 'friend' cos I'd pretend I liked him while I psyched him out during our games and
Yes I'm now…the man on top, the cream of the crop, listen I won't stop, with these rhymes I drop,

Book LXXI

When I…float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, that ugly sheriff can't catch me, I'll confoozle, change directions and bamboozle, like that movie star Vin Doozel and then
They'll shoot me for making such…a commotion, with no locomotion, I have no notion to drink some of your potion.
Are you...wearing that orange shirt, pink tutu and red jeans for a bet? Or
Did your wife run and leave you for the...strange man who eats tofu in the women's room at the library while quoting Shakespeare and
Rubbing his bald head…against the dirty red walls of his cousin's wife's bedroom while tapping his fingers against the bedside table in
A thoroughly annoying rhythm that...continually lingers and has you tapping your feet along with the beat - though his infidelity disgusts (and his taste in decor could be more), still 'he's not a bad lad'
They all say as...has he owns the best coffee house in town, where they do the best hazelnut latte.
There you'll find people sitting reading...Thomas Mann and William Blatty, while talking in Parsi and other tongues, while the janitors sweep up the dung as
The chimes on the courthouse clock…strike five, "It's a great day to be alive," said the man in the coffin as he rose from the dead,
And stumbled like a zombie, with eyes...that scanned Long fields of barley and of rye That clothe the world and meet the sky And thro' the field the road runs by To many towere'd Camelot - so ladies, that shallot! It's closing time! Have ye no poems to go to?
The janitor said…like 'twas slithy and the brilig to, but at that up jumped a man in a hat and stopped the rest of the quote - for as he exclaims 'the chance is remote - that any should care for old Scottish gibberish
Whilst the day is so fair and the... then added in fun / 'What's black and white and fierce? / Attila the nun!' /
Then he drank a few more beers / and…Sam's in tears (an unworthy Scot when Rabbie's poetry I mangle - but I suffer a 'lack of coffee' type angle) But on with the madness! she says with gladness - I fear no Attila the nun - she's now next to my mum!
Mother superior...who exposed her posterior for all of posterity's sake!" he said with a grab of his cross, his fist all a’ shake. Then, being quite mashed, he asked, where is Yoda? He crashed?
To which the other replied,” No, he...his lying there, underneath that rather large chair."
And sure enough there was Yoda and he was...drinking carbonated soda.
It tasted like berries and grapes and orange colored apes...with hats on their heads who liked watching tapes.
The tapes were about two dollars each (just out of my reach) but if you buy 103 you get one free, so…

Book LXXII

Editors Note: for those who care, or you who are anal retentive, you have noticed a subtle change in the form of Poetic Insanity too. If you haven’t notice, never mind! However, for those who have noticed, the change is because I got tired of the editing. This is easier!

I M'd all my fiends on my web-home S.com, where the fun never ends and the loneliness is all gone - and to my joy they all chose...
to dance a jig with a pig named...
Hortense, who dressed as a pretense of a man with no name, all in black with a serape round his back, smoking a cheroot, drinking a toot, while grabbing for his
boot, cause she loved smooth shiny pointy cowboy shoes, which made her sing the blues, a ruse since cowboy boots are not called shoes, because...
Shoes are for city slickers who don't like how the leather's thicker on a sturdy pair of boots - instead they much prefer…
To walk on the sidewalk, barefoot and they don't mind if they step on the...
odd spider or two, as folks often do, when they…
Don't give a fig, but back to this pig called Hortense - surely pigs have too much horse sense to name a piglet such nonsense, the poor wee thing would go on the lam - it would be called something like Sam or Tam or Hamm or maybe …
Henrietta Pooglesworth, but that isn't likely considering the mayor banned such ridiculous names until...
After the New Year games which will be opened by his wife Eva Sigh, and MCed by Miss Heaven Leabody with commentators…
One proved their true worth, by gaining much added girth and gave the towns’ animals a thrill. But the mayor's a clod, a fat~sorry~sad sod, whose mandates are...
She can charm everyone into agreeing with everything she...
Call in Matt Damon, to woo the fair maiden, and take her away to the land where they play Monopoly all day, that rids us of her so back to…
Where you were, which couldn't be far 'cause time travel here seems to ajar the portal for mortals and paves way for...
Junk to enter your mind that rots and destroys...
The children on…
A trip to a star, The Horse and the Plough, (hey, I've been to that bar, and I'm going back now, to buy…
Me some smokes, and a wooden one-armed dummy that jokes, and calls himself Lambchop le Pew, an identity crisis that's sure to get you, so come wid me and hoist a few down, but don't fall in the vat lest you…
Get so drunk you drown, that would make us all frown - and to be sad is 'of the bad' as Buffy would say - we all wanna smile and live to post to PI another day, though the time of our posts coincide...

Book LXXIII

Through the space-time continuum we will hide. And while there who did I see only...
We can still look upon the sunshine, dream about the time, and live to...
Be as one. One mind, one soul one world. But maybe all we can do is to imagine" said a voice, I looked over and it was...
Bob Barker. He told me to spin the wheel. It was covered entirely in veal, which is yucky and…
Cruel and unusual, to say the least, and not the sort of thing I'd want for a feast, I'd much prefer green eggs and Spam, served up with...
Ham and jam, by Sam the man, who has the deal with...
The devil, you know the guy with the horns, he's buying up all of Dorothy's corn, and when you eat that, you'll be reborn, so sit down and butter the…
Dog and feed it to the cat, and lay the bat on the ground and…
And parlay that into a dance around the entire kingdom of Sir Dance-alot, where knights and damsels discuss what's real and what's...
Not - what's in and what's out and what's this seasons hot ticket to fortune and fame…
Speaking of trash, let's dash with some cash and buy a sash for the Christmas...
Show where we'll show the snow that we know will blow the dough through the...
rain and sleet, till it lands at your feet, squishy and soggy, like that poor little doggie, who's lost his…
Bone and his home, and no-one to love him. But what's this do I see? Someone approaching the little doggie, as he goes under the streetlight it is...
Lonesome Woggie Poogie, dumped by his girl this same night, and pleased to see…
He's got a bag of bonz with gravy. All they need is a little spot of rain, and it's time for the gravy train. The little dog, having no manners, began to excitedly…
Reach for his spanners, then ran to the street light and took it apart, ran the wires to his battery and off he did dart, towards…
The socket clearly marked 'scart' - for a strange pup was he, he knew how to repair a TV! and DVD's were no barrier to this little terrier - electronics genius of genus caninus he is but…
He really was a smurf of sorts, running around blue in white shorts, taking in a little coke in snorts; he's blue because the coke distorts, and runs around with cohort Schwartz…
Who is a Saint Bernard, a big brute at that. So after saying hello, the Saint Bernard Schwartz and the smurf of sorts, walked into the bar, went to the barman and said...
"Gimme some kibble 'fore I knock off yer head!" To which the barman replied, "Go see Old Mother Hubbard. I think she just went outside." Schwartz, not being violent, went silent, while the doggie-smurf sniffed hard and shouted...

Book LXXIV

"Gimme some kibble and I show you my dime, I pay my bill almost every time; Old Mother Hubbard, she a bore, I just booted her out the door; so gimme some kibble, gimme some meat, gimme some sweet, sweet-sweet treats...
Like rhubarb and custard, not forgetting the mustard, oh and some of those iced thingies full of cream and…
And help me to dream of things extreme, which I seem to…
Have found on the table or under the chair, though I hoped to find money or monkey-tails there...
They're all over my hair! Monkeys scratching and biting, monkeys screeching and fighting…
With a pink-eared gorilla, here under my pillow, beside that lost tooth, but to tell you the truth…
I've lost my way, in the food fight today, where all of you flay, rhubarb and hay, into the fray, so go to your dumpster and pull out a…
Large red antelope for the feast tonight, the strange man uttered while pasting his wig to his head...
To give the smurf a fright, so he might win that fight with his raspberries and cream...
So that he may dream of elephants and camels. The smurf wakes up and he IS sitting upon a camel, to which he...
Asks,” do I have the right channel?”, ducking as the guy with the wig..
while petting a duck and feeding the pig, flipping through all the channels, it's really quite banal, even if you do have your camel to...
Channel and find a medium to relieve the tedium, else wise might as well roast him, I’ve a recipe for camel, or was it caramel, or maybe fried enamel, call in the chef, call in the…
Arab chief, call in yo mummy and let's have a game of rummy, put your bets down, ante up the pot, cause I got a straight flush to a full house! Not! Deal them...
Down and dirty, then call in Gertie, and slap him up the head, cause he hit the button instead, and be sure to tell Mabel, to get off the table, and yell at Ralph to
do his impersonation of Gable - No Ralph, those stockings are too netty, Anyway I meant Clark, and I said Gable, not Grable .. then off…
To Timbuktu where we will drink mountain dew, just you and we, us two, but we can never say adieu…
They can't even say boo-hoo - being as they have to stay mute, indeed some find that cute and highly entertaining or so I was told by...
Madame Blavatsky, who fell on her butt and took a pratsky, oh lord that is really a bad rhyme, but right now I ain't got the thyme, turmeric I possess in spades, but what can you make with…
Cloth that fades, other than old worn out coats and hats, those what's been chewed up by rats, So hey diddle diddle get out of the middle and…
Go to the front of the line, is that a riddle? No its war but...

Book LXXV

War is hell, so down the hill you run pell-mell, does that word take a hyphen, let me ask my friend the gryphon, is that pronounced with a long y, or do we say it on the fly, tell me now Mr. Winds, you who know all will never…
Ignore my call, so tell me are you Winds as in blow, or Winds as in makes the clock go?…
I'll give you your answer; I'll settle your quest, but first just give it a rest. Is it x, y, or z? Oh my, oh me, maybe it's green eggs and ham, so saddle your donkey, saddle you goat, pick up your tote and come on down town...
Where brain cells cross but seldom meet and tigger bounces down the street; where words lose meaning and songs lose sound, with people running all…
Around, some who are poets pumping their...
Brains, which have grown rusty from the rains, that are falling all around, as we wait for the 2003Ball to come down, but wait it's going back up the pole, call a mechanic, call a…
Alown; there's something strangely wrong, the alarm said bing, it should say bong; David is right, call the mechanic, call him quick, tigger is bouncing licky-de-split...
And Bing sings his White Christmas hit, while in the blue corner his brother Bong, attempts to sing a New Year's song, something by that Scottish chap, the Auld Cockieleekie Rap, or something…
From the tap -cold clear non-alcoholic water, you know alcohol oughter be banned, canned not bottled, and distillers throttled, but silently and without any sudden movement - oh my head, I wish I was dead, go gentle, gentle into…
INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT and don't be sentimental; that wouldn't be...
Quite as we've come to expect from our forays in rhyme or our semantic rambling through…
Space and time. Whoo Hoo diddle dum, diddle dum, yeah Doctor Who and isn't it GRRRRAND to be alive in 2003? A couple of rashers and a fried egg for me and I'm begging for more! A pint of plain and you'll live 4 - no, 5 score! On with…
The show, and let the games begin, it’s a brand new year so lets.....
write, sing, and do your best in this new writing.com site but first let us turn on the
tap and let the icy water wash away the hangover of yesterday, for vodka mix and Auld Lang Syne...
Can be fun but is certainly no fix for relationships or an old begone nix; just play the fiddle, strum the harp lest we all get drunk and begin to carp about...
Politics, war, and rising drug prices, but don't be so whiny 'bout it as tomorrow may never come due to…
Never mind that, lets not borrow trouble not yet here; have another beer and…
If you don't like beer, have some tequila and sing and dance and enjoy life while it lasts...

Book LXXVI

And sing again the song of tequila, join with my friend the lovely Delia, oh, she's the one wearing the Camellia, but don't get close, she'll try to feel ya, so your money she can steal ya; oops she just...
Fell in the grease pit, now try to catch her as she runs and flits, through poppies and goldenrod and purple loosestrife, thank the lord that she is not my wife, but some poor fool must buy her a…
Big shiny ring or some other thing. She's a looker and a real good cooker but don't let her snooker you out of your…
Toga, cause when it comes to lovin', she’s a real roga, and that’s not good when your parents are in the…
Gutter, scraping change out after losing their wealth to the stock market while griping about Shakira dancing her way to…
The laundry, searching for more piping, couldn't get her hands underneath your elastic bands, for rewards for good girls and...
Bonuses for naughty girls who have lots of curls and bangs that tend to hang; so let's go down to the fais do do where we can two-step across the dance flo and kick up our heels to the tune of...
"Please Release Me" sung by Humperdink, didja know Engelbert was really a fink, well if ya didn't maybe I made you think, so call the radio station and put up a stink, get them to play some song by…
Albert Einstein, so they can't…
Think, singing math equations of any persuasions is so confusing, not really of my choosing, so I turned the dial…
And listened for awhile, as my car ate up the miles, but there was a crash, when a chicken made a dash, across the road rather rash, so fire up some hash, cook some chicken and talk some trash so...
Hop on pop 'til he yells "Stop!" and then grab the mop and clean that floor you silly boor or I'll boot ya out the...
Stable door, Hey! watch that colt, don't let him bolt, too late you dolt, it's all your fault, (I mix vowels all the time, all in the name of the goddess Rhyme), now he's jumped the gate…
To meet fate at the Derby held in May, twenty colts are entered in the fray, "They're Off" they shouted, but our colt pouted, he sang "Old Kentucky Home," what could he do, rules are true, all he says is a pome…
That surely cannot be doubted - or even redouted in the way of a ditch like that into which the jockey did pitch as our colt the jump refused - he was rather confused - didn't know this derby's a steeplechase race…
Where it ended in the bar. "Mine's a large coke with whiskey chaser please". The barman looked again, confused as to how the...
Spectators from the derby crowded in his bar, asked where they are, and then raided the damn place out of every good liquor except for...

Book LXXVII

Rum in a jar, used to make a drink called a sticker, usually used as...
Furniture polish, or hot dog relish, or as a gift to Wolfgang Sawallisch, oh boy that is bad, but it is culture, so is that bird circling a vulture, no it's a…
Tax man and he cometh soon, get your act together by noon; he's coming with a calculator, and check your numbers with a locator; be a roller skater, run! You need a mediator, a manipulator, an arbitrator or Gaston, the alligator, or a bundle of…
Figs that were soaked in the finest Irish whiskey, not forgetting the dwarfs that...
became dwarfs, while working on the wharfs, unloading paisley scarves, that will make you barfs unless you take a swig, of those famous figs, soaked in…
Jameson, and tasting like…
Names spun rudely off the tongue of some soused gutter bum, so I'd rather have the rum not that other scum. Lets return to...
The blue lagoon. Those love-sick kids are coming soon, but for now lets eat cheese one the moon with the help of my stylish new...
Silver and platinum spoon while ringing that old spittoon, yes the one from Saskatoon, the one that goes pe-toon every time you hit the moon before half past noon; say, do you have a chaw of...
Wacky tobacky, to spare for my bug-eyed hunchback lackey? Old Igor, purveyor of abnormal brains, needs something to calm him, he's going insane, since...
That bug got in his brain, he spent too much time with things weird and strange now...
His brain is all a wash and he is such posh; leaping on his Harley, he and his girlfriend, Charlie, riding in the rain, having tea and crumpets is such a strain; just set it on cruise and do not snooze or...
Or you'll wind up in the next day's news, and we're not talkin' the society page where glamour does stammer and…
Headlines hammer a little less strongly, but you'd be dead so it wouldn't matter, is this the page about the Mad Hatter? No were on a cruise, warned not to snooze and to...
Bring some Dramamine,’ cause the seas aren't serene as stomach viruses make the rounds on this boat and…
Jump in the pool and do the back stroke to one end, then swim back again, pop a Dramamine else in time you're hanging over the rail calling Earrrrrrrrrllllllll cause you got the Love Boat Stomach Virus and lunch goes down but then its back up again...
As the Love Boat takes a corner, and there everything takes a twist, as we find we have entered the...
Enchanter mist, wherein lurk many creatures strange and deranged - the schitzo Sphinx, the griping Gryphon and the ever techy Tellus…
That hangs on the rose trellis and sounds its own horn when stuck with a thorn, but the griping Gryphon watches Monty Python and…
The schitzo runs the marathon, and the little drummer boy drums...

Book LXXVIII

All alone in the mist, and as the clock strikes midnight, the owl...
And the pussycat are having a tryst; all night long they pitch and woo, though with the Owl it sounds like who while the pussycat can only say mew, is this a new...
Twist of an old tail? asked the owl as the cat was caught in a ringer. This caused poor puss to howl and yowl, since she was not a very good singer, but...
He hiccupped the bird, the feather caught in his throat. He choked and he choked...
And the bird was mucus soaked, so could not fly, either low or high, and to get away it could only run but...
But could not hide, so it waited for the outgoing tide, to sweep it to sea, where it thought it could flee on a raft made of balsa, or was it salsa, who cares since it foundered, and the poor bird was…
Sauce flavored and tainted with beans in a three piece ganja muffin, with bread fruit cells kept silent with puffin soup faintly chilled with amorous squeeze of the...
soaked to his very skin, but by chance along came a rowboat, and in that boat was a giraffe and a...
Bleedin' great shouldn't these pieces be a rhymin' or not. Hey give us another totte hoodley heeaw. 'Kay! P'raps it's me bleedin' timin'. Uuumm, where were...
On the lap of a queen who'd been there first but remained unseen incognito with her banana hat until they settled down to set sail...
Upon an ocean of phlegm...oi, ain't that Clem, dressed in drag whilst the banana hat doth sag. Gezundheit! Oh dear, what a sight - sneezes pleases the Queen of sleazes. And that's why shim remains incognito, why don't we all veto...
The coughs and the sneezes and everyone do just as they pleezes...swing through the treezes, land on their kneezes, sing with their wheezes and…
Get eaten alive by fleezes in the breezes. And aren't those bruisers cruisers. Bless you Willy, time to be free. Jump over, miss, and crush the little bleeders into brie. Oh dear, I have a nose full of a foul ingredient, could someone make it...
Better, please. And a healer arrived to give everyone ease. Then a van full of Nerds drove...
To Jersey on the run 'cuz of heresy; but wait a minute! I thought that wasn't a crime, but I guess it doesn't matter you 'cuz…
Punctuality is the abnormality in this locality so drive that van straight to
Milwaukee, or anywhere else in the Land of the Free, where lateness abounds from sea to sea, and tailgaters pop out to drink some…
And eat some, to dance to the beat some; and some dance off in risky directions but...
Don't use Viagra so there's no er...rors are not made by me, surely. Dangnabbit. I'm now feeling poorly, fitted suits, Holden utes and tailgaters drink tequila, and drop their duds to reveal, no duh! Everyone knows they...

Book LXXIX

Sell dead men's clothes down at the local thrift shop. Chances are if you buy a shirt, it belongs to a chap who's six feet under dirt, but...
Maybe it's deodorized and sanitized, and it'd be a shmae if it wasn't 'cuz it's a nice blue oxford with…
A medium collar and it's only a dollar so…
Look for a tie that will match the color, a cravat that's brighter and not any duller, one with a naked lady doing a dance, while around her a satyr does gaily prance, waddyathink can you find a…
Condition thats not perdition since its intermissioned but since it's commissioned we can all go…
Stop, hammer time, this is not just a rhyme, it's simply divine, will you be mine? said...
Guido Grime, sneakiest cobbler in Mexico, fills 'em with Texaco. 'Gives 'em more slip', then rip you a quip, make you smile. Give the devil his wile--slipping along the ta, Mac. Nicest thing you ever done. Hey, your sporran's meant...
To show that you're Scottish and proud, not hide the fact that you're not well endowed," said the old...
Flavored Haggis, with no taste bud, sack fleshed from the sheep, knife blood on the meat, cursin' death with a bleat, and a question...
For those on this side of the pond, is it haggis or baggis of which you are fond, hell no I like nachos and deep fried catfish, what's your choice, now make a…
Biscuit that's soft and moist, dip it in molasses or thick brown gravey, serve up a mess of purple pea, with chicken fricasee, a glass of tea; slap my knee my o me, a southern fried pedigree...
But anti-acids have no accents, talk no slang, use no pronouns. Then how do they neutralize all that churnin', burnin'…
Into some Motown lyric that I can't recall, so I think I'll just go down the hall, and take a swig of that hooch, and then I'll share it with my…
Pooch - it's bourbon not Scotch whisky which is risky cos then he feels frisky and goes for any old hag - I wonder is the plural of haggis haggi? Q. What's worn under the kilt? A. Nothing, every part is perfect working order. They don't
appreciate those jokes, those blokes from South of the Border…
And across the sea, but the idea comes thru clear to me, up north here we throw okra into an abyss, but in Red House they liken it to good Haggis, oops accent on the wrong…
Whatever, man. Dig your toes in the sand. We got a long day until we can leave this land. In the meantime, find something to do involving…
Three chickens, a bottle of tequila and a weed eater. But don't forget to...
Fry the chickens because if you don’t your heart beat might quicken and then...
the weed eater started tickin', with it I chopped up my chicken. The gizzard was flying and I was stuck tryin'...
To keep my undies from fallin, when the boys started cryin, so I

Book LXXX

Went with the flow, and started to sow, seeds of barley and corn, they came up next spring with this other thing, which looks a lot like porn, so its back to the…
Kitchen and off with their heads. Tell your siblings, mothers and friends that their life has come to an end. And tell your pets…
That they can overrun the neighborhood, no that it's any good. I’d just love to see critters on the rampage sending people into jitters by…
Digging up their landscape and pretty pinks flowers. But it's alright because...
Thats the crop thats are being sown. The people missing heads on top have always known, when it got down to blood and bone that...
Honeycomb tripe was a tastier dish than mock fish - whish, who set the spinner on the surf rod? That grinner, what a bleedin' sod, that really chaffs my grits and gives me the shi--fty cods are harder to catch than...
A three-legged turkey, especially if it's murky, so stick to catching…
Flies with honey the way you've been told, and bring them to the market where dead flies are sold, because...
The sweeter the flies the better the pies and the better the pies the faster time flies, so...
So stop time from flying by continuing rhyming, add on to mine about another good time when…
Lime and lager chime, and the whiskey flows free, and there's a pretty wench on your knee, who's more than ready to…
Fall in your love, looking at you from your above, seeming to be calm and peaceful, like a flying dove, when…
Suddenly a hawk swoops from the sky, catches the dove on the fly, takes it home to feed her chicks, who spit out the bones like Popsicle sticks, but…
Never take a walk, near the nest of a hawk, with your arm round your love, cos the falling bones of a dove, may make you feel stupid, unless you think it's Cupid, shooting…
His film in cinema verite, wish I knew how to make the mark over the "A"; I know its an "e" but it is not said "long", back to Dan Cupid who's singing a song, "Loves makes the…
Tender nuts and bolts of a green, grassy smoke ring, lit up bright when my lighter it flick, flick, flares the nostrils sprinting down my street, dreadlocks waving...
In the noonday heat, while dancing along to a reggae beat. The Marley mon say "...no woman no cry..." so roll up a spliff and we'll all get...
High and stinkin, so we don't have no thinkin, or show stinkin badges, while cigarettes we cadges, from yuppies and the like, "Hey mon, how about a Lucky…
Strike, hop on my trike, we'll peddle to the playground, watch it all go…
Round, and from under the ground, the sound of distant thunder, like the one you crawled...
And made a blunder, but don't look down, don't frown or clown around, get up and dance like the lightening, sing like the wind, mesmerize the clouds to...

Book LXXXI