Oh Dear! Oh Santa!

Oh Dear! Oh Santa!

I am begging you to forgive me for parking the sleigh in a tow-away zone last Christmas. I am aware that you had to go to the NYPD impound lot and then to a rubber room at Happy Dale Home for Those a Wee Bit Off Their Rockers, before we helped you escape. I place a bulky bit of the blame on Jangle, that funny-looking elf in Company C, as he dared me to do it. I am a weak elf, so please, please - forgive me and forget! To make amends, I will wholly hand detail the sleigh, polish the bells, and give each and every reindeer a flea dip. Whether they want one or not.

I beg of you to show mercy on me for exchanging your chocolate chip cookies for chocolate Exlax chip cookies. I was double dared by Jangle - and as I mentioned before, I am pitifully weak. Mrs. Claus told me you couldn't leave the bathroom for a week! At least you lost a couple of pounds because of my mischief. As a peace offering, I shall stock your porcelain throne room with all of your favorite magazines - and use my toothbrush to make it sparkle again. In addition, I will bake with my own elfin hands 2... NO! 3 dozen of your favorite cookies...

With sprinkles...
And frosting
and, um, a Hershey's Kiss on top!

Finally, a thousand pardons for the reindeer poop in your furry black boots. Jangle double-dog dared me to do it, and I just could not say no. I know - I have a problem, but that Jangle is pretty persuasive, too. I realize it took ten Odor Eaters for anyone to get closer than ten feet to you, and that Mrs. Claus still won't let you anywhere near her boudoir. But sir, you should have seen your face as you slid your feet into those boots. In my defense, at least the poop was still warm. In penance, I shall hose out and shine your boots until they gleam. Then, I shall freshen your feet and toes (including under the toenails) with my tongue, and gently massage them with peppermint oil. Furthermore, I have joined a group for elves gone bad, and will do my utmost to turn down the next dare. It might help if you fire Jangle.

In the fetal position until you absolve me,

Jingle Bells Elf