The comedy room 2

*Fm steps up to a mike in front of a plain redbrick wall lit by a single spotlight*

I’ve been on a little quest over the past week since I last stood here. You see, I’ve been reading a lot of women’s magazines. I’ve done this in order for myself, a mere man, to have some insight into the woman’s mind. It’s pretty futile really. You see all I’ve found is a whole load of advice about makeup and questionnaires, usually about men.

Now, about the makeup advice first. More of it? Exactly. I mean I have a neighbour who has 3 teenage daughters. Add the wife into that and I feel really sorry for the bloke. I’ve been into his bathroom; he has one little mug, a toothbrush and a razor. He keeps it on the U bend of the toilet. The rest of the room is covered in makeup and peppermint foot powder.

Then of course, the advice columns in these magazines are always telling women to go with ‘woman’s instinct’. Apparently, some women have such a sharp instinct they can tell when a man’s been unfaithful just by looking at him. Fair enough. But we men have our own form of instinct. For example, you come home and get your door keys out. Your clothes are neatly laid out on the lawn…. And you’ve changed the lock!
We also intuitively know when you’ve had an orgasm…. Oh yes... It's that look on her face when you get home.

I bet there are blokes out there who are saying “what?”... and the misuses next to him laughing her head off while saying “it’s so true!”

Now, onto the questionnaire. They tell me that the first thing women look for in a man is GSOH. Good sense of Humour…. Bullshit! Okay ladies, you go into a bar and there is Kevin Costner, a man not know for his sense of humour, and next to him Ken Dodd… who do you think will get picked? Robin Hood, or Robin the Taxman?

Running a close second to sense of humour are pert buttocks, with someone you can take home to your folks coming third. Now where the hell does Pavarotti come into this? He pulls women like you wouldn’t believe. He’s not exactly a laugh a minute you can’t take him home… there’s no room! And as for a pert bottom… it starts at his neck!

Mind you, men say stupid things as well. Have you ever seen a guy asking another “have you got any kids?” and he says…”oh no…. well…. None that I know of!” Now I have never heard a woman say that. Then of course men will go up to the refrigerator, open the door and stare inside for an hour… were looking for something we want that you haven’t bought!

And blokes are useless about size and measurements. A swift half down the pub is seven pints. A 911 Porsche is a Morris 1000 This, *hold up finger five inches apart* is twelve inches.

And then, men love housekeeping. Oh yes…! All the women out there are going “What?” But it’s true. Especially for married men. We love vacuuming. It’s because we’ve got a gadget! And it sucks and it blows… we like that. We could be on the pitch at Wembley, or we could be in Star Wars… And of course it’s very much like sex. You plug it in, putter around for a few minutes then collapse back on the sofa convinced you’ve satisfied the wife!

And men… men have to have control of the remote control. It’s our new penis extension. “What… you want to borrow the remote control? Why? *mimes flicking through the channels* There’s nothing on. *Pretends to hide remote* It doesn’t get lost down the sofa… we put it there… we know exactly where it is! And men refuse to accept that the power runs out of the batteries in a remote control. You see them pushing the buttons harder and harder, getting closer and closer to the TV till all they would have to do is reach out a few inches to flick it over on the set... but oh no… they stand there pushing the buttons harder convinced that it will squeeze the last of the power out. Then of course we have more than one. W have remotes for the TV, video, Satellite or cable, DVD, Hi-Fi, Amplifier, Curtains… oh yes… we can control the world from the sofa!

The best time to be in control of the remotes is late at night… flicking through the channels to find the dirty movies. *Puffs and pants in mimicry* oopps… turn the volume down... don’t want to wake anybody up now! *In female voice* “oh, I couldn’t sleep, would you like a cup of tea?” *back to normal voice* ARRGH! You fumble for the remote, which has dying batteries, and finally the curtains open!

Men are funny about hair you know. I have never in my life had a conversation with another bloke about shaving. Its weird… we never talk about shaving. Women might be surprised about this. I mean, they talk about everything with no problems. In fact, I think shaving is the men’s curse. Well… women have a got a curse… we men know all about that… bloody hell do we know all about that! But that’s only 4 or 5 days a month. We get ours every day of our lives. What’s worse is no one tells us about it. My parents never told me. I had to learn about it all by myself. I’m determined to warn my own son (when I get round to having one!) so he’s got some kind of warning. Ill pull him aside one day, put my arm round his shoulder and say “Son, something wonderful is happening inside your body. Something is growing… and one day... its going to shoot through your face!

And nobody told me about P.S.T… ‘Pre Shaving Tension’. That’s why men are so moody first thing in the morning...*mock yells* “I don’t want muslie… its like designer vomit... where’s the chocolate... of course I’m moody… its my time of the morning! Where are my clothes…? I want to go shoplifting… No you can’t have sex, I’ve got my beard on!” And if we cut ourselves… none of those super absorbent things with strings on for us! Oh no. We have to make do with bits of newspaper or toilet rolls. We either end up looking like the front page of the Times, or frosty the snowman!

One thing I’ve never come to terms with are blokes who are bald but insist on wearing ponytails. From the back it looks like the cat got stuck in the Christmas turkey! It’s also why they call them pony tails… lift them up and find an arsehole underneath!

Men love showing off. How many men name their sons after themselves? George Bush is a good example. I mean, what possible excuse do they have? There are name books with hundreds of names, plus the suggestions you get from your friends and whatever TV shows and movies are out a the time. If you don’t believe me, ask my other neighbours children.. R2-D2 and Obi-wan Kenobi.

The only time men show the slightest imagination is in euphemisms. For you know what…A bit of the other, slap and tickle. We can’t seem to say Sex. We use any other possible name under the sun. We cant say sex… it has to be things like get your leg over, get your end away, get your oats, get it off, get it on, get it up.

Men don’t make love. They shag, shaft, screw, score, knock, knob, boff, bang, ball, hump, bump, jump, poke, pull, pour, park the pink bus, sink the salami, plant Percy in the playpen, pop the pig, root, roger, ram, lay, top, mount, do the roman helmet rumba, have some hanky panky, a bit of how’s your father, slip a leg, jerkin the gherkin, slam in the lamb, lead the lama to the lift shaft.

And breasts aren’t breasts. If you’re a man, breasts are Bristol’s, dumplings, lotties, mambas, mammaries, melons, mazoomas, mangos, coconuts, jugs, jubblies, pears pineapples, falokas, bazookas, guns of Navarone, charlies, hooters, tits titties, diddies, screamers, whoppers, wobblers, knockers, shoulder boulders, air bags, fun bags, jelly bags, or in some cases silicone bags.

But we really excel when it comes to the place where we park our brains!

Its not a penis, its hampton, happy lamb, lunch box, love truncheon, a pork saw, peter, plonker, pecker, pink cigar, pirate of men’s pants, percy, packet, pocket rocket, pink thermometer, rhythm stick, fleshy flugel horn, gherkin, cucumber, carrot, giggle stick, giggling thing, the right honourable member for underpants. It’s a joystick, a jigger stick, john, john thomas, bacon bazooka, beaver leaver, rod, chopper, dick, donger, the bald headed hermit, dumb stick, ding-a-ling, whip, weapon, whanger, wedding tackle, manhood, member, high pressure vein cane, old man, old fella, one eyed trouser snake, a phallus, love sausage, captain sausage, mr. stiffy, tadger, todger, wang, wiener, spurt reynolds… and those are the things you can say on TV!

Thank you and goodnight!