First Impressions of Golf

My first day on the golf course was really cool. It was a beautiful day. Not too windy, or cold. Thanks to my good friend Ballantine for taking me.

I'm freshly 38 years old, and I was thinking a few nights ago that one of the things that I really must do in the new year, is to learn to play some semblance of a decent golf game. It's not a bad career move in this day, and a challenging sport in its own right.

Coincidentally, believe it ot not, during the next day at work, Ballantine left a message on my machine, inviting to treat me to 18 holes. I immediately took him up on the offer.

Now, I've never actually swung a golf club before except maybe once or twice in my entire life. I certainly don't remember ever trying to hit a golf ball with one. On the other hand, I had developed quite a respect for the game through the wonders of ESPN, and because I spend a lot of time sitting on the couch watching golf on TV.

I have also spent countless hours playing detailed, golf video-games on the computer and Nintendo. That was how I learned what all the little things were that could affect where your ball ended up, what club to choose, how to read a putt and how hard or soft to hit it. The list goes on and on.

When I first walked out on the course to actually play with Ballantine, I didn't really expect to be able to hit the thing. I mean come on. A tiny white ball? Be serious.. It's hard to imagine how anyone can even hit that small ball, with that tiny, little club face. There doesn't seem to be any room for error. Well, yeah. That's right... there isn't.

But, if you keep a few things in mind when you are standing over that little ball preparing to swing, you CAN actually hit it... most of the time. Well.... some of the time... Ok. Once in a while.

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The things I learned were:

1) Grip the club in a strange way, and interlock your fingers together un-naturally so that you feel like one of Jerry's kids... If this feels totally awkward, don't worry. You're on the right track.

2) Keep your head down but your chin up, and keep your head still, and this arm straight and that one relaxed, your eye on the ball, your knees bent, your weight planted firmly between your shoulders........ and swing.

3) If by chance, you happen to drive your club-head into the ground in front of the ball so that huge chunks of earth fly up, hopefully you can get out of the way, or at least close your eyes in time to prevent blinding. And if the force of the blow has your hands shaking so that you think an early form of arthritis must be setting in, don't worry. This will happen a few hundred more times before you finally put it all together, then it will happen just enough to frustrate you at the wrong moment. Look at the bright side. If you haven't actually made contact with the ball, you won't have to put it back on the tee when you try again!

4) If you get lucky and actually smack it about 200 yards on your first try,... savor the feeling. You might not hit it so well the rest of the day. Try to remember everything about how you were standing and what you were thinking about as you swung through the ball. Yeah that's right. Every little thing... Sure. That's possible.

5) If by chance, you just hit the top of the ball, it will bounce harmlessly, 20 or 30 yards up to the ladies tee if you're lucky. Don't worry. This too, will happen over and over again before you finally get the hang of it and hit the ball squarely. But look on the bright side. You actually hit it FORWARD that time. Keep trying.

6) If you're having a really terrible day, and you've lost about 25 balls in the tall weeds and the water hazards, remember.... at least you are outdoors and not staring blearily at a computer screen.

7) Try to have fun. Golf is one of the most difficult mental challenges there is. It's also addictive. And slightly impossible.

8) If you get hooked on the game, like I did, don't worry. I hear it happens to everyone. But don't try writing about it, to ease your frustrations ... It doesn't work.

more punishment? --> "Second Impressions of Golf"