Christmas Letters

CHRISTMAS LETTERS

Christmas is a time when you want to put on your lounging clothes, get your pipe, a cup of coffee, relax and enjoy the joyous season of Christmas. Then they start to arrive. The infamous Christmas letters with every Christmas card. On and on they go, telling about every little accomplishment of Jr. and Sister. It makes no difference if the prize pig is dumb, they can find something to brag about. Well, today, I shatter the peace of Christmas past with two Christmas letters. I appologize for being late with my letters, but they couldn't wait till next next year.

The first is from my cousin's family. He lives down at Red House, MS and his wife, Irmalene always writes a right good Christmas letter and I thought I would share it with you this year. If you have trouble with her language, check back to "The Southern Tongue"  for some help.

Second, is the letter from my neighbor. Hope you enjoy both of them for different reasons.

Merry Christmas Past,
Jim

My Cousin's Christmas Letter

This here been a wonderful yeur. We's all healthy and t'gether fer anuther yeur fer Chris'mas and tu look toward a new yeur.

Fer the 22nd yeur, we didn't move tu a new hous. Yep, we still in our honeymoon cottage what Burnelle bought when we wuz mahried. But, we doin good, all 16 of us.

Burnelle, he got a new job this year. He wuz permoted from a Can Han'ler on the garbege truck to a Can Han'ler/Traffic Waver. That mean he git tuh hang on the driver side o' thu truck and when a car git b'hind the truck, he hang out and wave 'em on around. Course, he still werk fer thu Gates & Assocites Solid Salvege (G.A.S.S.) whur he been with fer nigh onto 22 yeurs. If he can pass 'at drivin test, he permote tu driver and kin listen tuh John Boy and Billy on the radio ever moanin.

Paulene, she our oldest and she jest turnt 22 on our weddin anniversery. She thank she gon graduate this yeur. She thought that last yeur, but she didn't quite make it. She hav trouble wit her Englush class. I doan know why she hav 'at problum; I hep her ever'nite. But Aunt Fannie Mae say she doin real good and we keep our fangers crossed.

Raylene, she wus caller number 9 three times this year and got tuh talk tu John Boy. He call her "Baby Doll." And this yeur she decide tuh be a shampoo girl instead of a graduate. Miss Ludie Farkward, what owns Miss Ludie's Coffitures, she done hir'd Raylene and give her training 'bout 'at hare and shampoo. Maybe they be a wedding bell fore too long, cause I thank her and Bubba gone tie the knot fore long.

Ethyllene, she our pride and joy. She done pick duh luck number down at A.B. Smith General Groceries and Merchandise and won thu mantle clock with thu horse on it. Hit shor do look purty on the shelf Burnelle put up.

Saylene, she increase our family with a bouncin new grandson. She haf tu interrupt her school work, but she be back in duh ninth grade next yeur a'ter she wean duh baby. He a rite fine lit'le boy and his head be a little whop-sided, but Doc Falderwing say he grow out'n nat. He also say that epididle spray, take 'at hare rite off'n his face. He a fine lit'le boy and look like his grandpaw, but he faver me, too.

Matthew, Mark and Luke doing good in thair's school. Mark and Luke done caught up wit Matthew this year in thu fourth grade. Matthew is thu biggest one in his class. He already got dat fazeke like his paw and I don't thank he drank 'at beer yet.

We welcome John Boy back home this yeur. This our John Boy, not thu John Boy on thu radio show. He finish his training at thu Columbia Trainin School and thu judge parole 'im back tu us. We happy he back with us and a fixin tuh go back tuh school in thu sec'nd grade here at thu Red House Consolidated Schoolhouse. Aunt Fannie Mae, she happy he back cause he one o' her best students til he set far to thu outhouse. But she didn't git burnt too much and Burnelle buy her a new dress tu replace 'at one what got burnt a little.

The twins are jest fine. They a growing and looking more like each other ever'day. Burnelle can't tell which is who. He finally use a magic marker and write a "G" on Gabelene's neck and a "M" on Mabelene so he know who is which one. That hep a lot cause they give me grief, too. I go tu thu bedroom and one in the bed and I say, "Gabelene, where yor sister?" And she say, "She in duh bathroom." So I go down thair and she not thur. So I come back and say, "Gabelene." And she say, "I'm Mabelene." So, I say, "Mabelene, whur yore sister?" And she say, "Well, I jest got back from the bathroom and she gone thur." So I go tu thu bathroom and she not thur and I come back and say, "Mabelene." And she say, "I ain't Mabelene, I'm Gabelene." I thank them two trying to pull sumpin on me. But, the magic marker hep a lot.

Then, the little boys, Peter, Demas, Pilate and Judas. They so sweet; we give all our boys Bible names. Peter, he start school next yeur. This yeur he in thu Red House Pre-Schoolhouse program. He go haf a day and he can beat up all them udder lit'le chil'ern. Miss Fannie Mae say she gonna throw him in with thu high school next year. Demas and Pilate, they start pre-school next year and I thank Miss Smoot say she hate tu do it, but she gonna haf tu retire fore she hav anuther one o our youngans. Judas, he duh sweet one, cause he only 8 months old, but Burnelle say just wait for New Years and he be startin tu walk.

Burnelle, he duh champean of ever'thang here in Red House. At thu big fourth of July barbeque, he won thu Beer drankin contest, thu bean eatin contest, thu pig rasselin contest. After thu bean eatin contest, all thu men folks go out b'hind thu barn fer that udder contest. Burnelle won 'at one, too. A'ter that, the bullfrogs quit hollering in thu bottom. I guess they thank the big frog done a'rived. I thank Burnelle done set a new world record.

Now what 'bout me and Burnelle? Well, we gonna hav a baby!!! That's right, we expecting little Mablene or Burnelle, Jr. Doc say he be born one month before Judas' 1st birthday. Course, 'at means Burnell, Sr. gonna haf tu git that driving license so he can be a driver and get more money. Ten dollars a week be a big help.

This year we gonna all gather round the dinner table and hav us a big Christmas dinner, cause John Boy done got us a live turkey real cheap. I thank he won it or sum'body give it to 'im. So this year we real happy he home from nat training school. He a fine boy.

Merry Christmas, and ya'll come to see us sumtimes. Burnelle, Irmalene, Paulene, Raylene, Ethyllene, Saylene, Gabelene, Mabelene, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John Boy, Peter, Demas, Pilate and Judas.

My Neighbor's Christmas Letter

What a wonderful Christmas Season this is for our family. We have been blessed so much this year and we just wanted to share some of the wonderful blessings.

First, Junior received several honors in his school this year. In his fourth grade science class, his experiment on Bio-nuclear fusion, not only won his school science fair, but also advanced to the regional, state and national finals in the judging. President Bush has invited him to the White House for a scientific conference and because of his experiment; he has been nominated for a Nobel Prize in both Biological Sciences and Physics.

He also has been busy in the arts, and was invited to play his original Violin Concerto in E minor at Carnegie Hall in which he was accompanied by the New York Symphony. Following that, he toured all the children's hospitals in the southeastern United States and in his spare time, he helps build Houses for Habitat and tutors underprivileged children in the afternoons after school. He was caller number 9 six times in a three-week period and can train wild animals just by staring them in the eye and using ESP.

On the basketball team, he can leap from mid-court, dunk the basketball, and do a back flip off the rim of the goal before touching the floor. He has scored a record high of 102 points without an assist in one game. Two week ago, he leaped a Harley-Davidson customized chopper with a stock engine over 72 cars and three buses without a ramp. He performed the almost impossible triple put-out single-handed in a little league game while playing centerfield.

Junior has retranslated the Rosetta Stone, correcting several errors previously made by linguists which has changed the meaning and importance of the Dead Sea Scrolls and shed new light and understanding on the Bible. Working in higher mathematical functions, he completed a formula that filled up a 20 gig hard drive and took 2 months to complete and in the process discovered a new number that was heretofore unknown. It has been named "Waldo" in his honor and falls between 3 and 4. He has demonstrated the value of X , eradicating the need for Y and Z in mathematical formulae, and he knows the value of the square root of Pi to the 32nd power. He invented a new meaning for the word "and."

He earned 72 Merit Badges in the Boy Scouts of America in one month and can field strip a F-116 fighter jet blindfolded and restore it to flight status using only a Swiss Army Knife. He has lived with the Aborigines and learned the secrets of the mystics. He can walk on hot coals, sleep on a bed of nails and has walked on water. He once discovered the meaning of life, but neglected to write it down. He knows the formula for Silly Putty and fully understands women.

It is our wish that you and your family have had as wonderful a year as we. As I said, we are indeed blessed.

Best Wishes for a truly wonderful Christmas season
from
Your Neighbors