I Love Lucy

The Great Writers Tournament

This was the winning entry, written for the final round of the First Great Writers Tournament.

Instructions:

Ricky and Lucy have been transported forward in time to the present. Ricky has signed Ricky Martin to appear in his club. Lucy finds out about it and has to find a way to get to the club to meet Ricky Martin over Ricky Ricardo's objections..


Entry:

I Love Lucy

Scene: Ricky’s and Lucy’s apartment. Their apartment, along with their neighbors, Fred and Ethel has been transported to 2002. Lucy enters while Ricky is on the computer chatting with his manager. His manager has just signed Ricky Martin to appear at Ricky’s club, the Babba Loo Room in downtown New Hebron, Mississippi. When he realized Lucy is entering the room he quickly clicks on the button to shrink the screen.

Ricky R: Oh, hello, sweetheart. Did you and Ethel have fun shopping?

Lucy: Shopping! There’s not even a Wal-Mart in this hick town. Where could I go over to Buddy’s Western Wear and talk to Bubba or Jimbo? Bubba doesn’t have any teeth and Jimbo doesn’t have any soap! Today, when I went by there, Bubba came out on the sidewalk and said, “Miss Lucy, we done got sum more dress goods in. Got sum o’ them blue jeans whut got that red hankerchief cloth sewed round thu bottoms and on thu pockets. Theys rite purty. Why don’t cha come on in and take a look.” The gene pool is stagnant! Honestly, Ricky, if we don’t get out of the land of possum and taters, I’m going to go crazy. If we had to be transported, why couldn’t we have gone to New York? Some how this is your fault. I’m not sure how, but I’ll figure it out.

Ricky R: (mumbles some Spanish words) Now, Lucy, this is just temporary…I think.

Lucy: Well, what’s that email concerning Ricky Martin about?

Ricky R: Oh, that wasn’t about Ricky Martin. No, it was, ah, about ah, Little Ricky. We are thinking about, ah, bringing him down to dance with some of the ladies at the club.

Lucy: But, I saw the name Martin on that computer, uh, what is it, uh, screen.

Ricky R: Bill mentioned an old Dean Martin song, and probably your eye just picked up the two names and put them together.

Lucy: Talking about Little Ricky, huh? Well, that’s very interesting since Little Ricky is out in California at college in another time, because he did not transport with us.

Ricky R: Well, we were thinking during Christmas. Maybe he will join us by then.

Lucy: For Christmas! That’s eight months from now, in this time. I’m not sure how long in his time. But, you’ve never planned anything in advance in your life. I’m not sure you Cubans ever plan anything. It’s always manana this, manana that. Figuring where you can put one more piece of chrome or those little fringe balls in the windows of a forty-year-old car is your kind of planning.

Ricky R: Lucy. That’s not very nice to talk about my countrymen like that.


Lucy: Oh, OK, but the only dance little Ricky can do are those new dances the kids are doing and your band only plays old songs for old people.

Ricky R: We dunnut just play old songs!

Lucy: You dunnut, huh? Well, the songs your band plays were on the radio when Fred Mertz was a baby.

Ricky R: That’s not true, Lucy.

Lucy: You’re right. Radio hadn’t been invented when Fred first heard those old songs. He danced to those songs coming over on the Mayflower.

Directions: Fred and Ethel enter and obviously over heard part of the conversation.

Ethel: Fred danced to what on the Mayflower?

Lucy: Oh nothing, Ethel. I was just trying to make a point with the Cuban dodger here.

Ricky R: Yes, with a sledgehammer!

Lucy: I was just pointing out the songs his band plays at the club fits only the old crowd.

Fred: Like we Mayflower passengers?

Lucy: Oh, come on, Ethel. Let’s go out in the kitchen.

Ethel: No. If Fred took a cruise and didn’t take me, I want to know who he was dancing with.

Directions: Lucy grabs Ethel by the hand and pulls her to the kitchen. There, Lucy gets a drinking glass and placing it to the wall puts her ear on the other end.

Ethel: What cha doing?

Lucy: I learned this from one of those secret agent TV programs. Put a glass against the wall, then put your ear to the end of the glass and you can hear everything they say in the other room.

Ethel: Say! That’s a neat idea…Wait a minute. Your bedroom is next to ours in our apartment; have you been listening to us?

Lucy: Certainly not! Besides you can’t hear a thing over Fred’s snoring.

Ethel: Yeah, his snoring…wait a minute, you….

Lucy: Shhhh! They’re starting to talk.

Directions: Scene cuts to living room where the boys are talking.

Ricky R: Ai-yi-yi. That was close.

Fred: What was close?

Ricky R: My manager sent me an email saying he has signed Ricky Martin for our club.

Fred: Email, huh?

Ricky R: Yeah, then we got on instant messenger and chatted about the details.

Fred: Rick, this computer stuff, I don’t now how you do it. I can’t even turn one of those things on.

Ricky R: Well, Fred, I’ve always been ahead of my times. I always understood technology. You remember I had those amplified Conga drums?

Fred: Didn’t I hear that email stays on the computer?

Ricky R: Yes, you can save it in a folder on the computer.

Fred: Well, don’t talk to me about folders in a computer, but aren’t you afraid Lucy might find that folder and look at the email and read it?

Ricky R: Nah, Lucy is still trying to figure out our new blender. I don’t think I have to worry about her and the computer.

Fred: Well, who is this Ricky Martin?

Ricky R: He’s a hot Latin singer from Puerto Rico. The women are just wild about him and if Lucy finds out, she will be trying to get in the show so she can be meet him. You know how she is.

Fred: Boy do I. What are you going to do?

Ricky R: I dunnut know. Try to keep it quiet so she doesn’t find out.

Fred: Good luck. But, when she gets on the trail of something, she’s like a hungry dog after a soup bone. Besides, you got to advertise.

Ricky R: You’re right, Fred. Maybe I should just tell her he’s coming and forbid her to get involved.

Fred: (Grabbing Ricky by the shoulders) Who are you and what have your done with Ricky Ricardo? Or do you just have amnesia?

Ricky R: Yeah. Maybe I could talk her into taking a trip to New York. She’s been wanting to go up there shopping.

Fred: Now that may be a good plan to get her out of town, but it’s going to be an expensive one.

Ricky R: Ay-yi-yi! You’re right!

Directions: Scene cuts back to the kitchen.

Lucy: Why that dirty, rotten…

Ethel: What is it?

Lucy: Don’t interrupt me; I’m not through stringing my descriptive adjectives together about him.

Ethel: OK, but what did you hear?

Lucy: Plenty! That dirty conniving husband of yours and that dirty, rotten conniving husband of mine are cooking up a plan to prevent me from meeting Ricky Martin.

Ethel: Who’s Ricky Martin?

Lucy: Who’s Ricky Martin? (Said with great surprise)

Ethel: I asked first.

Lucy: Ricky Martin is the hottest singer to come out of Puerto Rico! Everybody is crazy about him!

Ethel: Is he hotter than Eduardo Martinez?

Lucy: Who is Eduardo Martinez?

Ethel: He’s this guy who was a singer. I met him in New York in 19…uh, never mind. What are you gonna do about Ricky?

Lucy: Which one?

Ethel: Ricky Ricardo who is trying to prevent you from seeing Ricky Martin.

Lucy: I’m going to cook up a better plan and out connive him. And you’re going to help me.

Ethel: Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn’t have asked that question.

Lucy: Oh, what are you, a man or a mouse?

Ethel: Neither. I’m a woman who has a very stingy husband with a long memory when I get involved with you.

Lucy: Ethel, you’re either with me or against me. Now which is it?

Ethel: Oh, don’t blow a gasket! Sure I’m with you. I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do.

Lucy: I don’t know what, but it’s going to be a big one. Ricky Ricardo will rue the day he tried to sneak Ricky Martin passed me. I’ve wanted to meet him for as long as I can remember.

Ethel: That’s a long time, Lucy.

Lucy: Careful, Ethel, or you’ll end up on the same side as Mr. Ricardo.

Directions: Scene fade out and opens the next day in Ethel’s kitchen.

Lucy: Ethel, I’ve got it!

Ethel: What cha got, honey? Is it catching?

Lucy: I’ve got my plan to get even with Ricky and meet Ricky Martin.

Ethel: What is it? What are you going to do?

Lucy: Ethel, you remember that night we watched the show with the fortuneteller, Miss Consequela. Do you remember how Ricky was very curious and just full of questions?

Ethel: Yeah!

Lucy: Well, I have arranged for Miss Consequela to pay him a visit today.

Ethel: How’d you do that? I thought she lived in south Florida.

Lucy: I don’t know where she lives, but Miss Consequela (Lucy shifts into her best Miss Consequela’s voice) is a go-wing to a make a vee-seat to Senor Ricardo’s casa esta manana.

Ethel: Lucy! You’re not going to…Oh, yes you are! But you don’t speak Spanish. You don’t even sound Spanish.

Lucy: Well, that Miss Consequela is as big a phony as they come. I can sound as Spanish as she does, but, I’ll tell Ricky I want to practice my English and I’m not going to speak Spanish. Isn’t that brilliant?

Ethel: Absolutely astounding! When is she going to show up?

Lucy: This morning. Esta manana means this morning.

Ethel: What time, this, uh esta manana?

Lucy: As soon as I can get in my outfit.

Directions: Lucy pulls out a loudly colored outfit that could be from anywhere in the Caribbean basin, complete with headdress and full skirt. Scene fades out and fades back in with Lucy dressed in her outfit, completing the final touches of her make-up.

Ethel: Oh, Lucy, I’m not sure. You look more like Carmen Miranda minus the fruit.

Lucy: Oh hush, Ethel. Wish me luck. Where are my Tarot cards?

Ethel: Here they are, but take that Wal-Mart price sticker off.

Lucy: “OK, I’m…I mean, Madam Consequela is off.

Directions: Scene shifts to the Ricardo living room with Ricky sitting in his easy chair reading the paper. A knock is heard and Ricky opens the door to admit Miss Consequela to the room.

Ricky R: Miss Consequela, Buenos Dias, senorita…ah

Lucy: Senor Ricardo, I am trying to improve my English, so I am not speaking Spanish. Ah, yes, ah, you see the Cuban people are not very wealthy, so I am trying to improve my English so I can do more business with the Americanos.

Ricky R: I see. Well that seems like a good idea, so we will es-peek English for jyou.

Lucy: Thank…jyou, I, uh I appreciate your willingness to help me.

Ricky R: And your English is very good.

Lucy: Yes, I used to visit the naval base in Cuba to practice…uh, my English. Let’s begin the Tarot reading. The cards never lie. I will deal the cards out so we can see what the future holds for you and your lovely family.

Ricky R: Your outfit is very nice. I might like to buy my wife one; where did you get it?

Lucy: Oh, I’ve had it for a long time. It’s a typical Cuban dress from my hometown in Cuba.

Ricky R: Oh, and what town was that?

Lucy: It was, ah, Santiago de Cuba.

Ricky R: Southwestern Cuba. I lived there when I was about 14 years old. Do you know Senor...

Lucy: Mr. Ricardo, I didn’t come here to talk about old friends from Cuba, but to read the cards for you.

Ricky R: Yes, you’re right, but it is an interesting costume, I mean dress. Have you ever heard of Carmen Miranda?

Lucy: No, is that an old girl friend of yours? (Sarcastically said with a cold look)

Ricky R: No, but get on with the reading; I am very interested to see what the cards will say. Did you know that my grandmother was a Tarot reader?

Lucy: You never told me…I mean, in reading articles about you I have never read that. I understood your family was Catholic.

Ricky R: Yes, that is true, but my abuela, would read the cards. She taught me a little about it.

Lucy: Uggggggggghhhh! (The typical Lucy expression when things don’t go right) But, it’s been a long time since she taught you, hasn’t it?

Ricky R: Yes, it has, but isn’t it interesting how much you remember about things like that.

Lucy: Let me lay out the cards. You know that you lay them out four above and four below and we will read the top four and deal from the bottom four?

Ricky R: Yes, I remember my grandmother, my abuela…

Lucy: Yes, I know the English word grandmother means abuela. This is interesting. (Lucy carefully looking at the dealt cards)

Ricky R: That third card, there. That’s the death card. I remember that one. Who’s going to die? Splain that to me.

Lucy: Well, that is the death card, but you cannot read one card at a time. You must read the cards together because these other cards influence their meaning.

Ricky R: I didnut think you could say all that.

Lucy: Oh, yes, I’ve been to Tarot school and we learn all that. The way the card have fallen means I am supposed to play another card on the death card and that’s what we will read.

Directions: Lucy plays another card on the “death” card and utters a verbal expression mixed with surprise and hopelessness.

Ricky R: Splain what that hangman card means. Is someone going to be hanged? Certainly not my wife.

Lucy: No, no, we must read the cards as a whole. Now, from the cards, I see that your wife is a very pretty woman, is she not?

Ricky R: Oh, yes, she is very pretty.

Lucy: And she is a loving wife…

Ricky R: Yes.

Lucy: And a loving and caring mother...

Ricky R: Yes.

Lucy: And she deserves everything she gets.

Ricky R: And some times more than she gets!

Lucy: She is very intelligent.

Ricky R: Does it say anythin about conniving?

Lucy: (She give Ricky a hard look and continues) Look at the hangman. The way the other cards are placed, the hangman’s noose is not important. What is important is that the gallows is placed upon a raised platform, a stage as it were. That mean someone important is coming to a “stage in your life.” Does that remind you a situation? I know you are a musician and actor and you’re on the stage.

Ricky R: Well, maybe it has reference to my wife.

Lucy: (Beaming) Oh, you were planning to put your wife on the stage?

Ricky R: Yes, the noon stage to California or New York.

Lucy: It’s not that kind of stage, Mr. Ricardo. It’s a performing stage. Are you planning to have someone famous in your club?

Ricky R: That’s amazing! You have deduced that we are having Ricky Martin in my club and we haven’t even advertised it yet.

Lucy: Mr. Ricardo, the cards do not lie and they tell all. Now here, for example is the couples-card next to the hangman. This means you and your lovely wife will be on stage to welcome this Ricky Martin to your stage.

Ricky R: Oh, no. Lucy will not be there because she will find someway to ruin the whole show and probably endanger the life of Ricky Martin.

Lucy: (Forgetting herself she goes back to her own persona) Awaaaaaaaaa, Ricky, I promise I won’t do a thi…Uh, I mean, but Mr. Ricardo, that would be unfair.

Ricky R: Lucy, you can drop the Consequela/Carmen Miranda act.

Lucy: But Ricky, I just gotta meet Ricky Martin. He is so hot and good-looking, and he reminds me of you at that age.

Ricky R: You thin my singing and my appearance is similar to Ricky Martin?

Lucy: No, your name!

Ricky R: Well, you are not coming to the club. And I will instruct security to look for you and make sure you don’t get in.

Lucy: Ricky!

Ricky R: But, if you are good, after the show, I will bring Ricky Martin by our apartment to meet you.

Lucy: Oh, Ricky! Would you?

Ricky R: Yes, if you’re a good girl and don’t make trouble. And, if you stay out of the club. Now I have to go to the club for rehearsal.

Directions: Ricky exits and scene fades out. When it fades back in,Ethel enters the apartment and it is later that same day.

Ethel: Hi, Lucy. How’d it go with Consequela?

Lucy: Terrible! Ricky knew who I was from the beginning and just played along for the fun of it. He forbid me going to the club and said that security would be looking for me if I tried to sneak in.

Ethel: Oh, that’s terrible. What you going to do?

Lucy: Nothing, because he said he would bring Ricky Martin by our house after the show to meet me.

Ethel: Well, that sounds good, but you know how these shows go don’t you?

Lucy: What do you mean?

Ethel: Well, after the show people, usually woman, rush the stage and security has to get the star out and into a car to get them our of the area. If that happens with Ricky Martin, he won’t be able to come to your house.

Lucy: Well, I don’t know. I don’t think those old ladies can do much rushing of the stage. The canes and walkers might get in the way.

Ethel: But Lucy, there will probably be a lot of young girls and women there this time.

Lucy: Oh, Ethel, what am I going to do. I want to meet Ricky Martin and now I’m going to miss out. (Lucy starts to cry) Waaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Ethel: Don’t worry, honey, you’ll think of something.

Lucy: I just did! I got it! Ethel, have Fred call Ricky’s manager and get three tickets. One each for you and Fred, and one for an out of town guest who arrived unexpectedly.

Ethel: Honey, you think you should? And how much is this going to cost? You know how tight old moneybags is. He’ll squeeze a quarter till George Washington hollers “uncle.”

Lucy: Oh, it won’t cost anything. Ricky’s manager will give the tickets to Fred.

Ethel: Do you think Fred might tell Ricky?

Lucy: Nah. He won’t know who I am.

Ethel: OK.

Directions: Scene fades out and the fades back in with Fred and Ethel in their apartment living room.

Fred: Where’s this friend of yours and who is she?

Ethel: What makes you think it’s a she?

Fred: Well, since it’s your friend, I assumed it was another lady. If it is a guy, we may have some talking to do.

Ethel: Well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

Directions: Doorbell rings and Ethel opens it admitting Lucy dressed as an older woman.

Ethel: Fred, my friend is here, we can go now.

Directions: Fred enters from another room, looks at Lucy and speaks

Fred: Well, I’m certainly glad you finally got here, Lucy.

Lucy:: Well, I had a lot to…you know who I am?

Fred: I knew who you were when Ethel told me she had a friend who wanted to go with us. Are you ready to go?

Lucy: You mean you still going with me?

Fred: Sure. Rick’s gonna kill both of us, but this is going to be fun.

Lucy: Oh, Fred, Ricky is not going to do any such thing. He may be upset and start talking fast in that Cuban accent mixed with some Spanish, but he won’t do anything. Here’s what we’re going to do. When we get our table, I have these little wheels that will slip under the table legs. That way, we can move our table closer to Ricky Martin. So that when he chooses someone from the audience, we’ll be closer and he will choose me.

Fred: I wouldn’t miss this for anything.

Directions: Scene fades as they exit the apartment and opens again as they enter the club dining room following the maitre d’. The table is round with a long tablecloth that touches the floor. Once seated, Lucy slips under the table, lifts each leg and places a wheel on it and returns to her seat. The show begins with Ricky Ricardo’s band playing a couple of numbers, and then he introduces Ricky Martin.

Ricky R: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have a special guest whom you have been waiting for. That great Latin singing sensation from the beautiful isle of Puerto Rico. Please welcome Ricky Martin!

Directions: Loud and long applause that dies away as Ricky Martin begins singing. As he sings he walks among the front tables and Lucy and company begin pushing their table forward little by little. Then the table stops and they can’t budge it as Ricky finishes his song. Lucy in an effort to see what has happened to her little miracle wheels slips under the table again.

Ricky R: Thank you Ricky. That was a beautiful song and one of his big hits. Now, we have a special treat for some of you ladies. Ricky has graciously consented to dance with a few lucky ladies.

Directions: Under the table, Lucy lifted the table to get the wheel back on the table leg, but the tabletop becomes disconnected from the legs, which fall to the floor and she is now stuck under the table having to hold up the tabletop.

Ricky R: (Spotting Ethel at the table closest, Ricky R speaks to her) Why here is a lovely lady, would you like to dance with Ricky?

Ethel: (Beaming, eyes flashing and fluttering, and nodding her head rapidly) Oh, yes, I would love to.

Lucy: (From under the table in a stage whisper) No you don’t. I’m supposed to dance with him, not you.

Ethel: (To Lucy) Too bad.

Directions: As she gets up to dance with Ricky Martin, Lucy hits her leg with a table leg.

Ethel: Ouch!

Ricky R: Are you OK, did you hurt something?

Ethel: Oh, no, just bumped my leg on the table leg.

Directions: Ethel begins dancing with Ricky Martin and Lucy begins following them holding the tabletop over her head and leaving Fred sitting in his chair with the table legs at his feet. As Ricky Ricardo is conducting the orchestra, he glances back at the dancing couple and sees the table following them around the dance floor. He walks over to the table and snatches the tablecloth off leaving Lucy holding a clear plastic table top over her head as she follows Ricky Martin on her knees. She is unaware she has been exposed until Ricky Ricardo taps vigorously on the tabletop with his conducting baton.

Ricky R: Lucy! What are you doing?

Lucy: (Looking up through the table top) Uh-oh.

Ricky R: Uh-oh is right. What do you thin you’re doing?

Lucy: (Starting to cry as she speaks) I wanted to dance with Ricky Martin and you said you would bring him home after the show tonight to meet me, but Ethel said all these old ladies would rush the stage and you would have to have the National Guard get him out and then he would get in his limo and go to the airport and fly out and I wouldn’t get to meet him or dance with him. Waaaaaaaa!

Ricky R: Now, now, Lucy. Stop crying. Ricky, do you think you could dance with my wife?
Ricky M: Sure Ricky. I would love to dance with Lucy. I’ve heard so much about her.

Lucy: (Smiling) You have?

Directions: Scene fades slowly as they dance around the dance floor.