Suicide: When the Voices Stop

Laying barefoot in the cold plastic black vinyl inside the bag's solace
I can hear your voice ringing within my head,
Laughing
Mocking me
The sound of a pinball trying to break its glass jar
by busting its fragile skin wide open;
the egg in the hands of an angry toddler.

I remember how you made 'friend' a 4-letter word.
You cared for me, sure.
Like a mother viper teaching me;
coddling me and milking me for sympathy.
My childhood companion and confidant.
My secret other half, only to betray me.
The sand in my hourglass.

You were busy suntanning your id;
maranating it like an ethnic dish in the paparatzzi praise
while I had to wait under the heavy deceptive weight of your shadow, treading water futily....
sinking when I gave you your life raft,
Those dreams I gave you that you took credit for.

You adhered them to your name with my face, and my voice,
controlling my identity till I was but
a null
in this niche world I was born into, not you.

But how brillant you were to lure me,
How clever you were to be Machiavelli's muse;
the progenitor of diamond's glittery spakle
blinding the public with your flashbulb charisma-
a Hollywood hooker with his finger in the air
and armageddon in his underwear
pimping stolen plans of spiritual revelation.

You were too fuckin' selfish to share your ruse weren't you?
Trying to tame you with civility was trying to embrace a peacock on fire.

You tried to silence me.
Draged me to a doctor to have me removed from you.
You said I was insane, I was holding you back,
that I was stealing your creativity,
Poured your heart out to dear Doctor Mengella.

I tried to protect myself from your spears lodged in my back-
I was screaming into the force of a deafening gale to be vocally submerged and swallowed whole
Like the cock your whoring world is choking itself on.

In a blind fury I lashed out for anything that would hear me,
to understand that i was part of the truth.
It was time for you to feel who was spinning the pinwheel of your success.
Grabing a stapler in hand I unleashed a coil of grinding glass that has
been buried in my skin for so long.
Finally! to be let out....

Then with all the fragile immediacy of an oncoming train I was slammed flat on my back.
You bribed the doctors didn't you?
They were never here to help me, just your greed.
Quivering with a needle in my back I became distracted with frantic magnesium pink flashes-
Sent swirling into a frozen silence...

You unbelievable bastard.

We awoke in a foreign room that was attacked by a quilting bee.
Kodo drummers against he backs of my eyes drumming me to consciousness.
At least they see me.
I heard your acidic sweetness beguiling me with your devil's tongue:

"It's my name. You will never be real, stay the quiet enslaved gerbil you are and spin the wheel for me and I will keep you as alive as anyone will let you."

I tried to lunge at him-
at you
pounding hard against the reflection in the glass trapping us in the marshmallow room.
They call it asylium-
I call it a hyena in heat locked in a fishbowl watching its children be killed and eaten before it.

Like lightening eviscerating my gloom I found an escape to your lies.
With a reflex action the sterile pajama pants were around the bedpost and my throat, mine!
I pressed hard, a boa constrictor seeking retribution,
if not this side, from the other-
You can't steal my ideas from me there!!

The doctor will be here to untangle our body from the bedpost,
A snake high on knots and asphyxiation,
I bequeath it to you.

You have to live for yourself now all alone in your awareness.
You'll bury me at dawn as a memory,
but at least you'll have my head to yourself.
I won't speak to you inside it's tainted bone shell anymore.
I'm divorced from the prison of your realities.

_____EyeKahn_____
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