THE STORY OF ST. VALENTINE

THE STORY OF ST. VALENTINE

The true story of St. Valentine is little known outside the southern Italian city of Utalkintomee. Those who have read it often disbelieve it, and those who believe it, often, well, can’t read. However, I assure you of its truth, and I have an uncle Bruno who’ll swear to it in any court of law.

St. Valentine was none other than the infamous Italian designer of women’s undergarments - Sergio Valentino. Sergio, a man of great talent and little acumen (as a young schoolboy he was often taunted about the size of his acumen), dressed the most becoming of Italian female nobility and, in the process, fell in love with each and every one of them - with the exception, of course, of Mama Bartone, the Baker’s portly wife (for this reason, to this day, the giving of baked goods on Valentine’s day is entirely unbecoming).

Being a man of features considerably less attractive than those of a common household amoeba, Sergio seldom gained the attention of his clientele. Notwithstanding his many poetry lessons, and forever armed with his Longfellow at hand, Sergio nevertheless failed to gain the affection he so desperately needed. He resorted, therefore, to pricking his victims with a needle doused in love potion; a potion specifically designed for Sergio by the then head scientist of the Vatican, Cardinal Steinberg. This act became highly successful for Sergio who, with little discretion, would often display his prick in glory. Over the years, of course, the prick has been refined to the now familiar bow and arrow of love.

Sergio was highly selective as to the ladies he pricked, but, despite his efforts to avoid laying his prick on Mama Bartone, he inadvertently caused her to sit on a pin cushion soaked in the great Cardinal’s love potion. Needless to say, the overly zealous and amorous Bartone bestowed her love upon Sergio with such fervor and might as to cause Sergio suffocating delight. Sergio came and went that fateful afternoon, but nonetheless will live in infamy as the first true martyr of Love, eventually canonized into sainthood and earning a nice display on the third floor of Hudson’s.

This is the true story of St. Valentine. If you don’t believe it, look it up in the scholarly archives of Shut-up-u-face U.


PRD 1987