NEW Whine & Cheese Letters - No.2

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.

Welcome

You are about to enter the world of Jim and Bubba who work for The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. in Red House, Mississippi. You may need an interpreter, but hopefully you won't need theraphy. In the words of Jim Whinery, Head Whiner at the company, "We jest gud folks a tryin' to hep gud folks lack yu. So, ya'll come on in and set a spell. Irmalene'll have supper on thu table directly. Don't mind ole Blue under thu table. If he gits tuh botherin yu, jest give him a lite nudge wit yur brogan and he'll go on off."

We hope you enjoy the visit at the company.

The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc
Proudly Presents the Letters to the Customer Care Dept
and Our Responses

We hope you enjoy all that is presented.

___________________________

We are sorry that it has become necessary to once again close The Whine and Cheese Company, Inc. Following the list of winners, you will find Jim Whinery’s explanation as to why it is necessary to close the business at this time.

The Grand Price Winner – 10,000 GPs – jadex

All other participants received
1000 GP for participating with such good letters

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Valued Customer,

I shor am sorry to havta say that I am a closing the Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. Hit’s a shame after we successfully got Jimbo out’n thu way that this had tu happen. Bubba, my first cousin and son-in-law jest went berserk. Me and Irmalene and Raylene don’t rightly know what happened. All we know is he got a letter from some woman a offerin him something and Bubba don’t understand thu wilds of a woman lack I do. When ‘at letter come here, he jest jumped up, kicked over thu cheese pot, started a throwing papers all over thu place and run clean through thu door without opening hit and we ain’t seen ‘im since. He even left his favorite coon dawg ole Highball and ‘ats all Raylene got tu rememer Bubba, cause they smell kinda alack. We thank he mite be sick or be brainwashed by some cult er sumpin lack ‘at. And it wudn’t take much soap to wash his brain. Me and Irmalene is all sick ‘bout what happened and I ain’t been able to do nuthin but hunt and fish a little since it happened. Course, you kin imagine little Raylene. I mean she is a hurtin all over. All her 4’2” and 249 lbs is jest a quivering mass of pain. Bubba wuz thu love of her life and she looked forward tu a long time as Mrs. Bubba Whinery. Course theys several other Bubba Whiners but none don’t interest her. If you happen to know where Bubba is or see him, try to talk some sense into his head…well jest try tu talk to him and send him back a fore my little Raylene jest pines her heart away. If he kin come back, maybe we could git thu company a working again.

My last Whinningly Yours
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

___________________________

17. Subject: Make Jim and Jimbo Head Whiners

We like Jimbo, but we were sure used ta Jim. Any rumors about him are false, I tell ya! This dun seem right at all ta us! Make Jim and Jimbo head Whiners, okey, dokey???


best, ya pals, susie & howie

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jimbo Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Miss Susie,

I knew this issue would come up and it is rather pathignomic that it arises when it did in order that I be able to address the various issues associated with your rather shallow and clandestined attempt to undermine my Head Whiner’s position. We have made the changes at The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. for legiment and feduciary reasons. Jim cannot leave his pronificient duties to write those pitful letters for which he has become so infamous, which I might add greatly besmirked the good name of the company which I worked so hard to bring to fruition and then was so rudely and summarily pushed out of power. Taking a cut out of the till by an owner is not illegal.

Now, may I invite you and your family to a Whine and Cheese tasting here at the company store, which is located in the right hand corner of Harley’s Texaco. Waylene, my beautiful wife, moved all that oil and grease and has done a good job of decorating with little red, white and blue flags and streamers. Her and Harley are going to wash their hands real good and serve some little crackers with our cheese on it and of course we’ll have the whine there. Now, tickets are available at AB Smith General Merchandise and Haberdashery Emporium, Harley’s Texaco and Ralph’s Rodent Service. You can also buy they off the drivers of any of the Gates Associates Solid Salvage truck as they come around to get your garbage.

Of course Irmalene and Raylene along with the rest of Jim’s herd (Paulene, Ethylene, Saylene, etc.) will be there to help clean up after we are through. Jim and Bubba will not be able to attend since they have to stay at the company. However, I will be there to represent the owners and management.

Order your tickets early cause I am sure they will go fast. Only $15 each or you can get two for $17 and buy a family ticket for $16. We’re not sure, since they have not confirmed, but we are pretty sure that a whole passel of country music singer will be joining us for the entertainment. We have invited, George Jones, Timmy Wynette, Grandpaw Jones, Lester Flatt and Earl Scoggins and the Foggy Mountain Boys, Dolly Pardon, Minnie Pearl, Mother Mabel Carter and the Carter Girls, General Storming Norman Swartzkaugh, former President Richard Nixon and of course, The Four Whiners who are our own Bubba A. Whinery, Bubba R. Whinery, Bubba C. Whinery and Bubba J. Whinery. We’re not sure all these can make it, but we do know The Four Whiners wil be there. Buy your ticket early and remember, don’t get a bunch of folks together and say they are your family and try to sneak in on the family ticket, cause we will be checking IDs at the door.

Get your tickets and buy some our Valentine Gift Packs for your family.

Whinningly Yours,
Jimbo (not Jim) Whinery, Head Whiner


______________________________________________



18. Subject: Here is what I think

Dear Bubba,

First of all it was not me who trashed your shop. I did notice the mess when I first walked in but I assumed that your good friend Cleveland must have had another one of his ‘parties’.

For your customer notebook, I do not have any ‘bears’; they are merely my overly hairy ex-husbands. I divorced the first because he kept on going on about porridge. I divorced the second because he wouldn’t stop scratching. I divorced the third because he invited the other two to dinner and started all this ‘Bears Society’ nonsense.

Therefore I shall not accept a bill for the damage on account of it being nothing to do with me. As for ordering a valentine pack, no way, I just killed my boyfriend whilst he was sleeping. Don’t tell anyone I told you!!

If you happen to have any ‘Disposing of body packs’ or ‘How to get a boyfriend who doesn’t think he is a bear packs’ then put me down for 3, you never know my luck. I’ll probably end up with mice instead!

Anyway, I am really sick of the poorly spelt correspondence from your company; I would suggest that you take up a writing course. If this is not possible on account of you not selling any products this year, then I suggest you hire a chimp to write your letters.

Good Day to you gentlemen.
Goldielocks

THAT’S G.O.L.D.I.E.L.O.C.K.S!

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY,INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Goldenrod,

Well, ‘at cudn’t be Cleland, which is his name, Cleveland be in Ohio. Yu see, thu last time he throwed a party in the company, he passed out and got hisself locked up in the plant and ate a bait o’ cheese and ‘at cheese locked up ‘is system an’ we hadda take ‘im to old Doc. Welby and hit cost us mite near $11. Enyway, we don sent ‘im away. Maybe Mr. Jimbo’ll see him on his trip.

Now back to them bahrs of yorn. You say they is yur harry husbands. Well, ‘ats what a bahr is, a harry critter. Now you dun kilt one of ‘em and if yu wuz down here, I’m shor Sheriff Buford Scrunts wud be a looking fer yu. Now you is askin’ us fer hep tuh git thu tother ones out. Wahl, ‘at ain’t what we do normal like, but happ’ns ‘at we jest made arrangement tu send Mr. Jimbo on a trip. Take a look at Re:Jimbo fer how it werks, and let us kno if yuh need our hep. Fer a small fee, we kin git a shippin’ crate ready perty soon.

“Bout that monkey fer writin letters, we don tried ‘at and had tuh give ‘im back. He intimidated Bubba too much cause he wuz a better speller than Bubba. Bubba can’t really spell and can’t read neither. He kin read good if they got pictures.

And we making money hand over fist. Since we got rid o’ Jimbo, we doing good. I s’pect we clearing $20 tu $25 dollars a week, but don’t let our great success make you thank that we ain’t gonna send you ‘at bill. And our legal consultants say you best go on and pay the $10 damages. ‘At’ll cover the cheese we hadda scrape off with thu tracks. Course, you kin rent us one o’ them bahrs for a couple o’ weeks and we call it even. Kin theys write and read? If they kin, we might trade Bubba.

Now, you talkin’ ‘bout do we have a pack ‘at kin git yu a boyfriend. Yep, we do. You buy a case o’ them valuntine gift packs and we include a Bubba wid it. And you git a choice o’ which Bubba, cause we got a whole passel of ‘em. Now, they can’t read and rite, but you kin, so you jest point to thu picture while yu a readin’ and they foller OK.

Well, I thank I ‘bout solve all yur problems, but I thank yu gon come up wit sum more, so, I’m gonna stop and let yu git to a thankin up what else you need to kno.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner



___________________________________________


19. Subject: 1 more reply and then 'shhhhh'!

Jimbo,

You say none of youin's were in my cabin and then Bubba admits that he was. What's that? Doubletalk meant to confuse and sidestep the issue? D'you learn that from that 'Farnsworth House of Diplomas' place?

Bubba,

You done stretched the bounds of decency so far they's transparent!
I'm a girl...woman to be precise! Ya'll don't know a girl from a boy? Well now, I think your little excursion from reality called 'Red House' bears some checkin' into.

Those long-handles were direct from Crittoria Secret. And I cain't help it if I had to throw on everything I own just to stay warm after you and Jim didn't keep the fire goin'. Youin's left he doors open and after yous left I found your pile of dirty laundry in the corner. Doors had to stay open another entire day till I could get the polecat smell from the cabin. I washed your clothes and got the smell out of them and the cabin, but youin's owe me for a case of fabric softener and steel wool.

I don't mind ya visiting. We natural folk too. We just not that natural.

Now I can understand your confusion. But an 'inuendo' ain't no J'pan car. It's a situation. Like when you join one of those rich associations...well once you in-you-in-dough.

And 'slander', well that's an explanation...once you done explained something, you sland'er.

Well, I'm gonna conserve some energy this time and not write so much, since I don't want you distillin' no more gallons. Far beit from me to set loose an inebriated Whinery upon the poor, unexpectant world out there. But the Whinerys better take heed. If ya'll go tryin' to talk me up and twist my words around again, I'll gather me up some more air and I be back. Got me one of those helium tanks and I'll take a big huff of that too before I come by, just so's I have extra help gettin' even more words out. (Now, don't ya'll go sayin' I inhale helium on a regular basis. It's only for special occasions.)

'Member, ya'll just pretend amnesia where I'm concerned, or I'll have to pay a visit to all your many-'lenes' women folk. And I won't be exchangin' no strange-meat potpie recipes neither. I be discussin' women liberation from the tryanny of you men folk. Then who'll chop your wood for ya at the break of dawn?
So, 'member...shhhh! Ponder, don't talk!

Eagerly awaitin' the Valentine gift pak,
(well more like hesitatingly awaitin')
PS...I can see ya'll irked' me into writin' more than I had done wanted. But I be gone like yesterday's supper. Nice knowin' ya'll.

gailey

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY,INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Miss Gailey,

My, my, you sho do go on a lot. But, I’m a wondering whut that word “ponder” mean? Bubba say it be like “teacher.” You take ‘at word “teach” and add “er.” For sumbody what teaches school. So “ponder” means pond + er an’ ‘at sumbody who hangs round ponds. Maybe hold a fishing pole or set out trot lines or jest set in a boat fer a spell doin nuthin.

Now Jimbo ain’t hear no mor. He don took a trip tu thu east. But thur’s a simple reason why he didn’t kno bout our trip to thu cabin. He’s stupid. Kinda runs in ‘is family.

Now bout me and Bubba’s trip tu yur cabin. Yuh see, we say Memphis is “up north.” At Red House, we have a honorary winter the second week in January. Sometimes git as low as 70 degrees. So, we wuz not use to yor kind of weather. We don brung ever’thang we own and still wuz cold. Now, ‘at wudn’t us what lef the dor open. ‘at wuz ‘at Yankee what talk funny. He kep sayin,’ “Smell ‘at fresh ar. Ain’t it brisk?” ‘At boy outa come to Red House and walk b’hind Harley’s mule fer a day or three. He larn what be brisk. Pew-wee!

We didn’t leave eny dirty laundry, but I mite a left some overhauls and some socks. I had anuther day or three a waring time left on ‘em, but I fergot to git ‘em when we lef. Jest put ‘em in a box and mail ‘em back to me. Don’t bother tu warsh ‘em. Irmalene’ll take keer o’ ‘at. And I told Bubba not tu use ‘at polecat grease on ‘is hare. I stop using it when I go north, cause you folks’ noses ain’t used to ‘at unique and fine aroma. I thank Bubba lef a jar on the shef in the bafroom. You orda be use to hit by now.

I wanna thank yu for splaining about that inuendo and slander. I had my mine on that Izuzu car and I wus confused bout them J’pan cars. But now I know that inuendo is Franch that mean a rich association, cause you in the dough. Is ‘at dough like “wuz you born in a barn, then shut thu dough” or is that dough like “I gotta mix up some dough bread?” I wanna git in me a inuendo, then I kin buy me a Izusue. And I’m always having to slander sumpin to Bubba.

I done tole Bubba, he orda not ax ‘at question ‘bout you being a girl or boy. I knowed hit wuz gonna make you madder ‘n a wet settin hen. But he don’t know no better. I try tu teach ‘at boy sum larnin, but don’t do no good. He’s my cusin, but he my son-in-law, too, now ‘at him and Raylene don hitched up. Fer a while he sweet on Saylene, but…wahl, I ain’t shor what dun happin. I try tu hep ‘im larn bout wimen, cause I am a natural born authority on that subject. See, he don ax that question when we wuz at thu cabin, but you don’t ‘member it do yuh? I try tu larn him. I said, when a woman say yes, they mean no. When they say maybe, they mean no. When they say I’ll thank about it, they mean no. And when they say they jest gonna look at a new dress, it means they gonna buy a dress, shoes, hose, underware, purse and some o’ that $1.50 perfume. And, when they say they gonna go to thu stor fer jest a minute, yu best take yor dawg wit yu and enuf money fer a hare cut, cause you gonna be thur for a spell. Now, am I rite or am I wrong. Oh, I know what you gonna say, “Yeah, you rite,” but we know what ‘at means.

Naw, I know you do that hellium sniffin jest on special ‘cassions, like national waterpik day, or national say-hi-to-a-bum day, etc. plus every day what got a “y” in it. Now, thu troof comes out. All this time I thought you jest ben vaccinated with a fountainpen and hit’s jest all that hellium.

When you want me ‘n Bubba tu come back to thu cabin? I know it wuz a real treat to all them people what got nothin better ‘n to set around thu cabin. Ire calender be open for January, Febuary, March, April, May, July, August, October, November and December. Sorry we can’t make it in June and September cause them’s our fishin months. But we be ready any other time. Jest send us a little gas money and we be on our way.

Write if you git work and send money if they pay yuh.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner.

PS: We don changed companies whur we git ire whine. We now use Hiney’s Whinery owned by the Hiney brothers, Red and Thor. They be located in Baton Rouge, LA. So jest send them orders to us.



_____________________________________________


20. Subject: My Whine

Dear Jim:

I am taking time out from my busy schedule even though I'm as busy as a one legged man in a butt kickin' contest just to let you know that I am not impressed with the way you handle southerners. Having been born in the great state Of Texas and raised on a bayou in Louisiana I think I have that god given right. Where do you come off talking like that. You're probably not even from the south but some yankee state like Tenn. or Ark or some other foreign country. Hell (Spits) you're probably one of those commies from Russia. I mean look at you now. I said "Texas" and you didn't even remove your hat or hum a few bars from "The Yellow Rose Of Texas". So what's your problem? Do you even own a pick up truck? I think not: You probably drive a BMW or some kind of Saab. Yes, that's right, I'm calling you a Saab Buster, pilgrim. And by the way, my sister said you were a terrible date. She said she much prefers going out with me because I don't mind paying for the meals and taking her to a nice place like the Country Bell Diner.

Well, I believe I've said my piece and you can take it how you want it. So lay off the Southerners! Or Else! :)

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Mr. Elad and yur travelin Medicine Show,

Yu ain’t never come thru Red House and throwed a show here did yuh? Thu reason I ax is cause my uncle, my grandpaw’s baby brother joined up wit one what had a belly dancer with ‘im. He called hisself Capt’n Bowie. Said he wuz a grandyungon o’ Jim Bowie. Said he come up over thur round Mexia

Now, I can’t ritely say much bout Tejas. Me and Bubba, we ain’t ben ‘at fur. Bubba, he thanks the Pasific ocean lap on the western side o’ Tejas. But I straighten ‘m out cause I dun looked at ther map and I knowed that Caleforny joins up with Tejas. You have to scuse Bubba, he ain’t got no book larning. Hit’s a good thang he mahrid my second daughter, Raylene, cause she don graduated from the 6th grade.

I noticed you mention that you ain’t got but one lag. Lose it in thu war or wuz you a riding bulls or git in a shootout in Tejas or sumpin. I’m kinda partial to disabled foks. We hire disabled fok here at The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. So far we got one disable fok. That be Bubba. His record say he “mildly retarded,” but ‘at a misprint. Hit s’posed to say, he “mainly retarded.” But he a good ole boy and he come by it naturally cause all them Bubba’s be little slow. Theys all kinda like a double boiler, gits all steamed up below but doan know what’s cooking up top.

You say you raised up on a bayou in Lousyianer. ‘At wouldn’t be thu Teche or maybe thu Vermillion. Maybe one of them round the Achafayla. I wus up on the Ouiska one time, but stayed round Lafayette, Abbeville, Kaplan most of thu time. I spent 9 years down thur, but don’t talk no Franch to me, cause I don’t know it. English hard enuf fer me.

You ax if I had a truck? No, I don’t have one. Harley, he got a Studebaker Wrecker thur at thu Texaco, but we don’t got one. I do got me a good wagon and two good mules. Hit’s kinda slow on a trip, but old Jack and Jude shor git you ther.

Now, thu only thang we got here what theys say is from Tejas is some Blue Bell Ice Cream. Ole boy come by Harley’s Texaco and say, “Hey, you boys try some of ‘at Tejas Ice Cream called Blue Bell? Hit’s a good Tejas product.” Ain’t donnit. “At stuff is made rite thur south o’ Jackson in the heart o’ Mizcippi. I done ben by that creamery and hit’s a setting rite thur in Mizcippi, a using Mizcippi milk, fruits and stuff. ‘Ats Mizcippi Ice Cream shor as shootin.

Wahl, I knows yu’all good foks if you raised up in Tejas and Lousyianer and yu cudn’t hep it if you wudn’t raised up in Mizcippi. But ‘ats alrite cause I know you look real good when you clean up.

Whinningly Yours
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner



_______________________________________


21. Subject: Shoddy Carpentry

Dear Writer, or God, or Whoever Is Responsible,
Or
To Whom It May Concern:

I have a major complaint about my freakin' chest. I mean the one I carry around whether I like it or not. I'm not talking about the outer drawers but the inner make-up like the lungs, the bronchi etc. You got to get to the bottom of this. At the drop of a hat, whether I drop a hat or not, it starts to choke me. With little help from the so-called AMA's asthma-correction facilities, the choking has been converted to wheezing, coughs and outright irritation. I didn't cause this problem. Somebody else did. This chest wasn't made correctly at the factory where it came from. I demand compensation. I'm entitled to a full refund or replacement. I can't take this wheezing squealing lemon of shoddy artisanship anymore. This is emotional harassment on the cabinet-maker's part. I'm getting nightmares over it. I would like to divorce the chest but I am fearful of going on alone. If there is a writing on the wall, this woman is adding to it.
Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

I mean it. No more empty promises. You should at least send a roto-rooter service or something. I need this matter to be attended to, immediately.

Yours Truly-Disgruntled Chest-User

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Ms. or Mr. Chester,

Has folks ever used thu words “out in lef field” when talking around you? Enybody ever tole yu ‘at yu remind ‘em of old Miz Snider? Wahl, you wudn’t a knowed her cause she don be bur’ied 7 or 6 yers ago. But, one time she thought they wuz gonna be a flood. Yep, she did. Cudn’t talk her oud’n it. “I sez, “Miz Snider, yu live ona hill. They ain’t no crick near yu for a miler mo. Yu has tu walk 3 quarter mile to thu sprang at thu branch to tote drankin water to yor house. Theys ain’t gonna be no flood at yo house.” Wahl, didn’t do no good. She wuz convinced. Said the Lord had dun appeared to ‘er in a vision. Bubba sez, “Whut does thu Lord look lack?” I fussed at Bubba fer a feedin ‘er hallucinations, but he allowed he ain’t never seen thu Lord and wuz jest curious.

But whut happened wuz that she moved on top o her house. Moved all thu furniture and cookstove and ever’thang she had on her roof and lived thur till she died. Doan know how she got that stove up ther, but she did. She was kind of a wirey kinda lady, thin but strong. Good bones, if you know whut I mean. Enyway, she died bout 4 or 3 months later. Got up early one morning a going tu thu outhouse and bless her heart, pore old soul forgot she wuz a livin on thu roof and stepped off thu edge.

We bur’ied ‘er in the graveyard at thu old Red House church. Funny thang, bout a month later hit flooded and her casket jest popped up oud’n that ground and floated down to thu crick. So, I guess she wuz rite bout the flood, jest she had tu move tu git caught in it. We toted her back tu thu graveyard and bur’ied ‘er again. One o her nephews pored a concrete slab over her grave and said, “Now lets see if you kin git out again.”

Wahl, I doan know o no hep we kin give on this kind a chest. Now, if you got problems with a chest a drawers, we kin do sum gluing and hamerin, we kin even slap a new coat a paint on it. I s’gest you jest order a case of that valuntine Gift Pack and hit bound to hep some.

You said you doan want no empty promises. Well, we give jest one promise, if you will order some cheese, and if you will send us a check fer that cheese, we will cash it. And that’s a promise you kin take to thu bank, jest like we do yor check.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner



_________________________________________


22. Subject: Mass, Volume, and Density

Chaos Master is back and better than ever!

My gripe is, who reincarnated and made God king of the universe? I didn't vote for him. Sure, his message about being nice to everyone is good and all, but he has not come up with any new material in two thousand years. Church has been showing nothing but re-runs since they decided to switch to english. The joke about the guy who looses one of his hundred sheep just gets funnier every time I hear it, of course, but everything else is just old stuff.

Chaos Master

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Mr. Master,

You know, hit’s kinda funny bout your last name, Master. Hit sometimes mean a sumbody whut don got to thu top of thu heap. Kinda like king. Then, hit also mean a kid, like “Master Jeremy Falderwing” whut ain’t but jest a young whipper-snapper.

Now, you say church is jest thu same o, same o. Now ain’t t’at sumpin. Kinda lack yor letters. See I look back thru my old letters and I notice I got sum from last time (‘fore we dun chunked Jimbo out’n office). You ‘member them letters a trying tu con us oud’n money for upgrades er sumpin. What, you don’t remember? Let me refresh yur memory. And I quote, “Give me money, now! I need it to get rid of these pop up ads, which are equally annoying! These people think I'm stupid enough to think that I won something that I only have two minutes to redeem!” Yeah, right and you thank we stupid to send money?

Now, I discuss this letter with Rev. J. Booty Caterwohl, III who holds forth over at thu Red House Back to the Bible Church. Allus here in Red House ar members at thu RHBBC and so I ax Rev. Caterwohl bout this question. He said the Almighty didn’t hafta be ‘lected, ‘cause He already own it. And he mor say that if they wuz a ‘lection, you probably hadn’t paid yo poll tax and cudn’t vote.

And he say yo complaint bout being thu same o, same o wuz moot (I thank that wuz his word er maybe it was boot, toot, poot er sum o them “oot” words) but whut he mean is wudn’t no good. Cause if He is God, then He ain’t gonna change his saying cause then hit would mean He wuz wrong in the first place. And if He wuz wrong in the first place, no matter whut he say would always be wrong. Rev. Caterwohl say you need tu come to his church and let him holler and shout at you some so you understand.

Wahl, they say it not good tu talk about religion and politics, so I better close this here letter fore I git to thu politics and git in real truble a takin ‘bout President Clinton. Oh, ‘ats rite. He ain’t president. But they’s so much stuff to talk about wid him. President Bush be bumming them terrorist so I hafta wait till he do sumpin dum fore I talk bout him.

So, jest order a case o ire Valuntine Gift Packs and give ‘em to ever’body. It’d probably hep yor attitude. We be looking fer yor order real soon.

Whinningly yours
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

PS: I know you gonna write agin a bellyaching, but include a good order cause hit’s gitting close to Valuntine and you don’t want tu miss that good old Valuntine cheese. Bubba kin make it in a heart shape fer yor sweetheart. Well, in yor case for yor mom, I’m pretty shor you got a mom.



____________________________________________


23. Subject: Enough!!

I am amazed that you are making a profit and therefore have decided to open up a rival business just across the street. If you look out the window of your run down shop you will be able to see that I am selling Vodka, Beer and Chocolate in the hyper store.

As for my bears, you are welcome to them and I am sending them over right now (look out of the window!) I have enclosed a cheque with the bears because I want 12 Valentine packs to be delivered to my lovers. They are Little Jack Horner, Peter Pan, Captain Hook, Little Boy Blue, Dick Whittington, Little Bubba, Jack (as in the beanstalk), Jack (as in Jack and Jill) and finally Little Red Riding Hood. The small the packs the better as some of them my lovers are very small. Could you please hurry the delivery to J.H as I hear he has had problems with pies and other foodstuffs in the past. Hope you enjoy the bears!!

See you soon, if my shop doesn’t run you outta town!

Love The Great Key Holder

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Madam Holder,

Yu mite near fool me. Don changed yor name agin. But, you can’t fool me, I knowed you wuz Tenlocks from all ‘at talkin ‘bout them durn bahrs. Well, I ben a lookin ouda thu winder and I ain’t seen no bahrs yet, but I still got my bahr gun. I thank you don landed in thu wrong town. You know Red House don’t got but a crossroads. Yor chek, by thu way, the spell cheker don marked yo spellin “cheque” is don spelt wrong. You probably don learnt ‘at frum them bahrs. Don’t ever trust a bahr. Theys got bad temperatures and they’ll lie to you in a heart beat. But thu rite spellin is “chek” according to Bubba, I mean the spell cheker.

Now, bout that order of yor’n. Yo cheque ain’t got no signing. Yu don lef off your John Henry. So you need to send us anuther chek and be shore and sign it and be shor yur bank knowed you don changed yor name. I don’t want Mr. Roscoe a fussin at me fer depositin’ bad cheks.

I mite add that I ain’t worried bout you opening up a rival business. Yu see, I don’t thank theys much call for rivals in this here town. No body ask us for any rival in a long time. I did ask ole Abe cross thu street and Harley, too and theys like me, ain’t had no askin for rival in a coon’s age. So, if I wuz you, I thank I mite sell something other than rivals. Yu mention too bout some vodka and beer. Course, you know this here county is a dry county. Only beer you kin sell legal is rootbeer. Course, Bubba D. Whinery don got thu bootleg business wrapped up. That’s cause his brother Jimbo D. Whinery is the local sheriff. Course, he don’t handle no vodka, only a good grade o moonshine. Hit’s so good, he give Harley competition cause lot a folks jest pore it in theys car and use for gasoline. Hit do have quite a punch.

Now, you say we need to send them Valuntine Gift Packs to JH. We ar a mite confused cause which JH you mean. We got JH “Bubba” Whinery and JH “Jimbo” Whinery. I’m a bettin on JH “Jimbo” cause JH “Bubba” ain’t got much teeth and ‘at cheese a little hard. Course he could het it up some to soften it sum.

Well, send us ‘at new check and let us know which of them JH’s we need tu send that cheese.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner



_______________________________________


24. Subject: Re: Re: Mass, Volume, and Density

Gee, your writing's harder to read than the Headless Horseman's poker face.

Come to think of it, electing a God is probably a bad idea anyway. I mean, look at the goobers we thrust into the white house. At least God has the decency not to show his face. If he's anything like the guys in Washington, he's doing us a favor. And you don't see God choking on a pretzal. Looks like you no longer have to wait for the president to do something stupid.

Chaoticly and Masterfully yours,
The Chaos Master, Master of Chaos

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Mr. Master,

Talk about hard tu read! I do b’lieve you and Gailey cut from thu same bolt o’ cloth. Use ‘em big words what ain’t nobody down here abouts knows the meanin.

Now, you mention ‘at Headless Horseman. I kno ‘at feller. I seen him at thu wrasslin’ match. Me and Irmalene and Bubba and Raylene, we all went tu the wrasslin’ match over at thu VFW auditorum and that feller wuz a wrasslin. He’s a mean rascal. He don whupped ‘at other wrassler, the referee and then don hollered in thu audience and say, eny you rednecks thank you kin whup me, come on up here. And sum skinny feller jumped up and went over them ropes, but he don drank too much o ‘at Jax and he never made it over thu ropes. Ole Headless jest picked ‘em up and throwed ‘im back in they crowd. So, Bubba he gits up and I seen ‘at Headless Horseman’s eyes jest kinda glaze ove cause Bubba, he weigh bout, well his belly weighs more’n 200 pounds and all together he mus weigh bout 350 or 300 pounds. Wahl, ole Bubba he tried tu sprang over them ropes and hung his toe on thu top ‘un and jest nose-dived to thu mat. Wahl, ole Headless grabbed his arm and winched him up and slung ‘im in thu ropes and when he bounce off, he grab ‘im up on his shoulders and give him a airplane spin. He staggered under ‘at big load but he spun round 3 or 2 times then he body slammed ‘im on the floor o’ the rang. When he hit thu mat it sound lack a hefty bag full of warm cheese a hittin. Then he throwed him outa thu rang in thu folding chairs. Hit took me 45 minutes with my bolt cutters and hacksaw to cut ‘at ther chair off’n Bubba. So I do agree ‘at Headless Horseman be a hard man.

Now you talk bout ‘at pretzel. We don’t cook them thangs down here at Red House. We mostly cook, fatback, tripe, chittlins, sumtimes we cook possom and sweet taters, but don’t cook no pretzels. I ask Bubba whut ‘at wuz and him and Irmalene, they both thot it wuz sumpin from the east. Do you thank it mite be ‘em Al-Katie terrorist? I thank it mite be cause ole W, he be pretty wirey kinda man and I don’t thank sumpin little wud do ‘em in. ‘Ats what Irmalene thanks, too. I know cause she always thank lack me.

Wahl, nuff of this chit-chat. I notice you didn’t send a order wit yur letter. Here I am a spending all this stamp money on letters what ain’t got no order. You thank you cud werk up a little order say fer a case o’ Valuntine Gift Packs? You know we shor do appreciate our good faithful customers lack yoself, but hit shor wud help if you cud jest drop a order with yor check inside that envelop. Them letters o’ yors gits mitety lonely all by hit self.

Write if you find work, send money if you git paid.

Whinningly Yours
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner




_____________________________________________


25. Subject: I stumble into your shop,

choking on a piece of cheese, fall down and die at your feet

The Great Keyholder

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Keyholder,

I wuz not shor at first, but then I figured it all out. I wished I had ben ther when it happened so I wud know all the details, but Bubba did set me straight. Yuh see, being as you don wrote this letter, you didn’t die.

So here’s whut happen. You don gone over to the A.B. Smith Grocery Merchandise and Haberdashery Emporium and you don bought some o’ that old cheese they sell. See, if you ax me first, then I wuda tole you it ain’t no good. But did you ax? No. You hada learn fer yurself. Well, them is costly lessons, but let me go on wit my story. Yu fell down and in walks Bubba to see you laying flat on thu floor. Well, it mite near panic Bubba cause ain’t no woman ever fell faint at Bubba’s feet. Not even Raylene. He seen ‘at you wuz a turning blue and his lightning fast brain of his, he did pass thu third grade, he knew you wuz a not gittin any air. Droppin down on one knee, he commensed to give yu mouth to mouth. His first try was hampered by his cud ‘o tabacky and when he turned to spit it out, you set up a breathin alright. Bubba’s comment wuz, “I spit out a good chew o’ Redman when I shouldn’t a orda.” Bubba seemed to thank the tabackey wuz what did it. If he could write, he wud write to the Red Cross and recommend folks take a chaw of tabacky a fore theys commense with the mouth to mouth.

So, as Paula Harvey says, And now you know the rest o’ thu story.

Why don’t you order sum o’ ire Valuntine Gift Packs cause we didn’t even charge you fer a gittin yu up from thu faint’ Plus, our cheese is smooth and won’t ever hang up in yor windpipe lack that stuff you got from old AB.

You take care and please don’t scare Bubba lack that agin. He ain’t a very strong man.

Whinningly Yours.
Jim Whinnery



____________________________________________


26. Subject: The Elf

Dear Person-Who-Doesn't-Care-A-Whit-About-Customer-Satisfaction,
uh - I mean, Manager of the Outermost Earth Housing Estate,

I have a polite complaint to make about a neighbour of mine. He is the little elf who insists of carry that silver mirror around with him. At any rate, this elf that's come from The Middle of the Earth obviously has no manners. Why, just yesterday, he stuck his toungue out at me. Now, I don't mean to be picky or complain about trivial things, but really! He even had the gut to say that that was his way of greeting people!

On top of that, this elf obviously does not know how to throw his garbage. He left a whole bag of garbage at my door yesterday, some of it includes the Rod of the Grill, some Potions of Incrdible Stench, and a Wand of Acid Sparrows. I tell you! They really do have the nerve, don't they? He doesn't even have to decency to throw his garbage out!

Another complaint I have is about these so-called 'friends' of his. They insist on teleporting to his house instead of just driving the normal way, and it doesn't always work out. Once a crusty dwarf teleported into my tub when I was having a bath! And then I found the 'ice queen' in my fridge! She contaminated all my food with her sparkly goodness. I had to throw the whole load out. Some people!
And can you believe that this elf thing actually decides to grow these funny fruit in his garden? I say it'll poison the birds who like these 'berries' of his. And what's more, we had this plant-growing contest down at the Lodge, and I spent two years nurturing and feeding my beanstalk when he has the nerve to use his magic and just grow his so high that it reached the clouds! And then this boy climbed up it and was never seen again! I complained to the police but they thought I was hallucinating! I ask you!

Oh yes, and by the way, he came to me yesterday to ask me if I had a Ring of Power "I could possibly lend him". I said I didn't have one, and he calmly takes out his comb and starts brushing his hair in the silver mirror. Then I show him a picture of me when I was a cute little baby, and he drops his mirror! Now it's good this big crack down the mirror and is leaking magical radiation all over my house!
So, I think I speak on behalf of my whole neighbourhood when I say, "GET THE @*#$#* ELF OUT OF HERE!"

Thank you for your kind co-operation and assistance.

As always, I am:

Your devoted resident [evil],
Politey Compluner

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Compluner,

First, let me straighten out yor misunderstanding. We don’t really manage that dump where you live. I know times are hard and you havin tu put up wit all ‘at stuff, but, we jest took it over for a short time. I don’t even have any keys tu thu place. All we do is when you don’t pay yor rent, I send Bubba and his 200 pound belly over to visit wit you and splain why it’d be best if you pay up.

Now, ‘bout this here elf. We been chasin that critter fer 3 or 2 weeks now. But, he do pay his rent on time with gold coins, unlike some of the tenants over ther.

Now, I need to brang up a few thangs and I am glad you don’t mentioned ‘em fer me. We done got some complaints bout yor apartment. Wild parties wit folks in the bathtub together what ain’t mahrid and we ain’t shor ‘bout what gender they be neither. Did you have that midget throwin’ contest we got that complaint about? Ole Miz Ida Mae almost swallered her false teeth when she saw all that shenanigans a going on. In case you haven’t read thu rules, you don’t throw ‘em by a grabbin their beard and swingin’ ‘em over yor head.

And I noticed ‘at flower a growin’ out the top o’ yor apt. We gonna hafta put a new roof on ‘at apt, and Bubba done fresh outa tar paper.

Gimme a break. I got jest two questions. One, are you a drankin person? And two, what you ben dranking when you don saw all this stuff you ben a going on about? Hit sounds lack hit be right powerful and we mite wanna werk out a deal to sell it wid ire cheese.

Wahl, you thank about it and in the mean time, don’t be a bothering ire paying tenants and you don’t hafta quit, but jest cut back on yor nippin a the jug. Buy some store bought liquor sometimes and maybe you do better. That old homebrew sometimes kin be a mite powerful.

Order a Valuntine Gift Pack or maybe a whole case and share it wid yor neighbors. You mite git tu be friends.

Whinningly Yours.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner



_______________________________________________


27. Subject: My letter to NesQuik

Dear Chocolate Milk Producing Advocate,

As a former DAIRY farmer I find your new name offensive, misleading, and inappropiate. I have never in my life seen a name that causes me such pain.

It is Offensive because you still have that silly little rabbit drinking milk from a straw. I ask you, how many bunnies have you seen that are smart enough to drink from a straw. The last time I gave my rabbits straws, they made beds out of it. Let me tell you, long, thin shreds of plastic aren't very absorbent. It made more work from me.

You ad is Misleading because brown cows do NOT under any circumstance give CHOCOLATE MILK or even brown milk. Let me tell you, with my experience at local, state and national cattle shows, all of those city folks want to know why there is no chocolate milk sold at our shows when they see all of the brown cows. That is another thing, Holsteins are black and white, and red and white...there is no brown in the world's most popular milk breed.

The ads are inappropiate and this also refers to that stupid bunny spokesman...bunnies don't even drink milk and if you'll also kindly note...that Trix's are for kids, not rabbits. You see, they can't even use milk in cereal.

In conclusion, I am asking you to change your name, your spokesperson, and your misleading advertising. If you need help finding a more suited spokesperson her is my favorite bovine's business card

The Milkman

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner in Charge

Dear Mr. Milkman,

As Bubba once said to me, I thank you jest a complaining too much. Lighten’ up on them little rabbits. Theys jest a tryin tu make a dollar lack me and you. Sumtimes we’re lack double boilers, git all steamed up on the bottom but don’t know whut’s a cookin up top. So, let’s jest figure this thang out fer a while.

First, you a writin to thu NesQuik company. This here is The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc.. Now, we be located at 1 First St. in Red House, MS out behind Harley’s Texaxo. Jest go around thu back of Harley’s, past his wrecker and you see ire door. Now, hit’s the second door cause the first in the in-door outhouse and hit ain’t very pleasant in ‘at door.

So, I’m jest a wondering how yor letter got to us. We don’t sell NesQuik, we don’t even sell NesSlow, but, I kin answer sum o’ them questions you got. Now, about yor statement that rabbits don’t drank milk. I’m a here tuh tell yuh that some do. Now, bout 10 years ago, Harley opened one o’ them Rabbit Hangouts. You know, them places where you kin go fer supper and the girls all ware them rabbit suits. Well, my wife, that wuz after ire fourth youngun wuz born. We had Pauline, Raylene, Joelene and Saylene and my wife, Irmalene decided she wanted to have a job. Wahl, I wuz jest a huntin and fishin and sometimes I wud run the traps, and my pappy said if I git a good woman what got a job, I kin hunt and fish all I want; So she went over and got herself a job as one of them bunnygirls. They had them outfits made like a bunny fur with little paws and feet with bunny heads and onliest thang that showed wuz ther face. Wahl, one night it wuz hot and them gals wuz a sweatin and Bunny Clara Mae Gootch wuz a back in the kitchen and when she come out, she looked like she had been cooked. Her face was beet red, then it went complete white. She was about to have a heat stroke. She grabbed ‘at bunny suit with both hands and jest ripped it off. Rev. J. Booty Caterwohl wuz a settin rite thar in the first table eating a Arrmadilla special with side orders of Nutera when It happened. Clara wuz a burning up and had to have some relief, but she forgot she done removed her unmentionables. Rev. Booty stopped in mid bite. He wuz frozen and couldn’t move as he was treated to the sight of his life. He ain’t never seen even Mrs. Booty in that light before. He couldn’t speak and tried to get up, but his legs wouldn’t move. However, Mrs. Booty Caterwohl wuz not frozen in her seat. She leaped up, whipped the tablecloth off that table without ever so much as moving the salt and pepper shaker. Like a magician and a bullfighter all rolled up into one, she wropped that tablecoth around Clara Mae and hustled her back into the kitchen where the heat overtook her again. Clara Mae wuz never the same again. From that time on, ever’time she walked in front of a heater or fireplace and felt the warm air move across her face, she immediately started to yank them clothes off. I understand she has spend the last 10 years in an institution with the air conditioner going full speed year round.

Anyway, them bunnys there dranked that milk with and without a straw, but after that night, Harley closed the Rabbit Hangout and opened the Texaco. He decided ther wuz less explosions with gas than bunnyrabbits.

By the way, they say they had tu pore hot water on Rev. Caterwohl to git him unfroze and to this day, he won’t set on the front seat of a restaurant.

Now, you say that brown cows do not give chocolate milk. I shor wish you wudn’t have said ‘at. Bubba, he’s my first cousin and my son-in-law, and he been raising this little brown calf for three years cause the man what sold it to ‘im tole ‘im it wuz a chocolate milk calf. Bubba done read ‘at, wahl, he can’t really read, but he figured that part out and now he done gone home to git his shotgun and he gonna go gunning fer that man who happens to be named Bubba, too. So, if he find the rite Bubba, the sheriff may come an arrest you cause hit’s yor fault.

Wahl, with that cheery note, I thank we done finished with yor business. We do appreciate yur letter and kind words fer us and let me recommend that you become one of our preferred folks. You might ask how you git that favored status? Well, It’s very easy. Jest order a couple of cases of ire St. Patrick’s Day Gift Pack of Whine & Cheese. And remember our motto, if you send yur check, we’ll cash it.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner in Charge




____________________________________________



28. Subject: People....

Dear Management,

I have a complaint to bring to your attention, since it has been burning away at my brain for sometime. I am sure that you have noticed that the people of this world (mind you not all) are mean, rude, cruel, stupid, manipulative, crude, shrewd, and many many other things. Now don’t get me wrong, there are decent people out there (somewhere) and they show their heads once in a while. But normally the Other People are out there spreading their “disease” or just harassing and victimizing the innocent.

Anyway, I want to complain about the human species as a whole (including myself—discluding decent people). Could you explain what drives everyone to be an @sshole?? I mean really! The world is just gets worse everyday and this is just not acceptable.

What ever happened to helping old ladies cross the street?

My grandmother the other day was walking (slowly at her own pace—glacier speed) to the store the other day, since it is only 3 blocks away. On the way there of course she has to cross a street and when no one offered her an arm over, (being the halfway independent woman she is (steel hip) and needing prunes because she was completely out) she decided to walk on her own.

*Sniffle *

Grandma didn’t make it very far when a Semi-truck took her out like a hurricane to a match. A smear on the street pavement was all that was left. AND a whole squad of Boy Scouts watched this all transpire and not one of them had rushed to her aid. This was the straw that broke my Grandma’s back (and every other body part). Those boys stood there and laughed and giggled as my grandmother was hurtled through the air and passed over by a dozen cars. Some man even video typed the whole thing!! And now my grandmother’s death is on the net and people are watching it and finding humor in her death.


While I am mentioning major things that bring me to believe that humans are awful, I will list some small things that make me mad. When I walk my dog, people kick my dog. I know my dog isn’t the cutest looking thing.. or very nice for that matter. When he growls what he really means to saying is that he loves them and just wants a taste of their leg.

Where I work it becomes extremely apparent that the average person is extremely stupid. The other day, in fact, I was reminded of this. I work at Wal-Mart, I will admit it now this was my first mistake; Wal-Mart isn’t the best place to work… but as a teenager and the area I live inà this is the best job I can get with the best salary and benefits.

My favorite stupid questions, actions, and sayings:

A costumer walks up to me, lifts up an object and asks:
“Do you know the price of this?”
To this I say:
“No, I do not but I can find it for you.”
To this they give me the dirtiest look and say.
“What the hell are you working here for. You SHOULD know these types of things.”

AS if I should know the price of every freaking item in this damn store!!! Come on people!! There are like more than a million items!! Who do you think I am? I am NOT a human computer. And FOR ONE another thing I said I would find it out for them!!! Its called patience and some people need to use it.

Okay next:
Its 7 AM in the morning and a costumer goes thru my line. This person looks around and says to me.
“You need to have more cashiers. You need to have all registers open at all time.”

WHAT IN THE HELL!!! This person is probably 1 out of 10 people in the entire store that is a costumer! Are they completely nutz? I mean really. If we had all the registers open (20), AT 7 AM there would be like 20 cashiers waiting at the end of their line doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! These people that say this would use their brains (which is probably dusty for disuse) they would realize what a waste of money, time and ect to have all cash registers open at all time. Give me a break.

Here is another one:
Children in Wal-Mart!!! I hate them. Parents need to learn when to tell their Child No, Shut up, and You Cant play with that. Come on! This store is not a playground or a nursery. Keep them on a chain.

There is nothing I hate more than parents that don’t pay attention to their children and let them run off. Then they come to us like “I Lost my baby.” All sobbing and worried. Well if they would just tie them to the cart they wouldn’t have lost them in the first place. What’s worse than that is when I have screaming children come through my line, yelling out for the whole damn store to hear, I want this I want that. AND THE PARENTS GIVE IN. They don’t say no. They don’t say “if you continue screaming like that I will spank you”, “never take you here again”, or “WE will leave right now and never come back”. Or the parents that bribe their children…”If you are good you will get a treat.” They should know how to behave with out being bribed. Come on parents Teach your children manners and respect.

Or the people that complain about long lines to me. I am only a cashier. I have NO POWER what so ever of how many people are in the store AND how many cashiers there are!! Give me a break! You think I like having a line as long as Nile river? No I don’t. What these people can do to help would be talk to the manager(Don’t Scream and swear at me… that only slows the process and it makes me want to go really really slow), HELP SACK( got arms and hands USE THEM)!!, how about bringing the freaking cart around to me, Don’t come at the busiest time of the day, Or Go get a application. Another one…….. They should have their checkbook out and all information (name of store, date, signature) all wrote instead of standing there like a complete idiot and getting it out at the last possible moment.

We were born with brains in our heads, we were taught by our parents (hopefully right things), by teachers, and most of us have lived long enough to know how to use them.

But I could go on and on why people are stupid from my many experiences at walmart.
See this small poem for more complaining on it.
"Working at Walmart Sucks"

This is my grievance. Not that much can be done about it now. Maybe people will learn from this some how. It is a hope…

Be kind, be courteous, use manners, be open minded, be respectful, be caring…… DON’T BE HUMAN!

-Robyn
Dastardly Robolicious Hermit

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Mz Robyn,

My, my, I do declair how you do go on ‘bout all them thangs.

Now, ‘bout that Walmart, I do know ‘bout that cause we got one jest a few miles up thu road. Red House ain’t big enuf to have one of ire own. We jest got A.B. Smith Merchandise and Habberdashery Emporium. They do got cloth goods and some groceries and poultry and pig supplies. Plus they got ladies hats with the net veils and feathers and such. But, I went to thu Walmart and I walked round in that stor fer three days jest a looking at all ‘at stuff. I mean they had 40 different colors of socks! I usually jest go over to A.B. Smith’s and buy me 4 or 3 pahr o’ white socks cause theys go with ever thang.

But I thank I figured out that folks go to Walmart to beat and holler at the youngans. Ever time I go in that stor theys a bunch of women a yelling at thur youngans. “Git over hyear and shet yur mouth or I a gonna whump yor backside!” “Git yur hands off’n them panties! Ain’t nobody wants tu buy them after yu had yor hands all over ‘em! “Sides little boys ain’t s’posed to have no interest in them thang…yet.”

Now, I hate to disagree with you but I kinda have a complaint ‘bout them cashiers not being open. Ever time I go I have tu wait in line. Over at A.B. Smith Merchandise and Habberdashery Emporium, I don’t have to wait in line. Ole A.B. jest takes care of my purchases rite quick. Course, I realize he only has ‘bout one customer at a time.

Course if you work fer a place, you ought tu know the products you sell. Take my business, The Whine and Cheese Company, Inc. I knows every product we sell. We got Holiday Gift Packs fer every holiday, course theys all the same, we jest paste a different picture on it fer all the holidays. Then we gots block cheese and we got them little bitty bottles of imported whine. But you know theys imported from Luzianner over bout Baton Rouge from Hiney’s Whinery run by Big Red and Thor, the Hiney brothers.

Now yu see, I know every product we got and I know you gots 6 or 5 more than us, but you jest havta larn them fer yor customers.

Now, I know you got a lot more in that letter of yurn, but I am slap-dab outa energy jest a reading it and my pen is outa ink.

Hope you write again cause I still got some complaints about Walmart that I know you kin hep me wit. In the mean time, why don’t you order some of our St Patrick’s Day Gift Packs for all yur Walmart Associates. They will lack the fine taste. Who know, hit might hep yor attitude, too.

Whinningly Yours
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner.



__________________________________



29. ect: Re: Re: Re: Re: Mass, Volume, and Density

Sorry to retrogress, but I've got to complain about
commercials again. They brought the old "Pizza
Talk" guys back! Why? Why!? THEY'RE STILL
NOT AMUSING! Pardon my french, but Ils sont
terrible!
And as for Carls Jr., guess what? Cows don't have
steaks! Pigs don't have sausages! People still eat
them, though! (I'd wager that that campaign would
be more effective if they said "Because only male
chickens have nuggets".)

And remember, buy Chaos Master's chunks of
flesh from a sheep's butt, because lambs don't
have chops.

Chaos Master

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Mr. Master,

Jest when you thought hit wuz save to go to the mailbox. I knowed you gone be back more scarier than ever. I jest got one question. What in tarnation are you a talking about? You brang them French into it. Onliest thang bout them Franch I like is their fries. Them’s good specially them what’s made by OreIda. I ain’t never met that lady, but she make a mighty good Franch Fry.

As my mamma used to say, “My, my how you do go on!” What’s ‘at about them steaks and sausage? Are you saying them sausage Irmalene cooks ever’morning ain’t pure Polk Sausage? You know, picky people pick Polks.”

But, I figured it out. You a downing all that meat cause you done opened a lamb chop joint. Wahl, how much hit gonna cost to buy you out? I don’t need no competition. Throw in the Franch Fries and I might buy everything lock, stock and barrel.

Whiningly Yours
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner



__________________________________________


30. Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Job Application

Dear Jim Whiney,
This here be Juniour Snipes again. Man, how you thank me an Blue's gonna buy any of them Valuntine pacs when we's unemplyed and starvin? I don't unnerstan how you kin be so insinstve. Now, I got an idey how to solv both ourn problms. Git me a job an git you sum much neded help in yourn Kustomer Kare Departmunt. I know you got all them purtty fat dawters an I wuz a thankin, mabe I kud marry up wid one of em and then I'd be yo son in law and Blue be yo Dog in law and mabe then you culd feed us. I heer that yo dawter Metholine mite be intersted in gettin hitched up with sumbody an I heer she's a reel gas!! I'd make Old Metholine a gud husband and mabe all the younguns wuld look like me an have brans like mine, which wuld be a reel plus fer them. Pleez repli reel soon seein as the gravvy tran is nigh bout gone and Blue stil aint showin no signs of wantin to go huntin.
Hongyly YOurn
Juniour and Blue
La Belle Rouge

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Jr,

I be mighty keerful who gone mahrry my dawters. You speak ‘bout Metholine, wahl, ‘ats ole Jimbo’s dawter and he ain’t been seen fer nigh on a coon’s age. Last I heared he wuz over in the Middle East picking his way thru a mine field.

I do have a couple o dawters what ain’t hitched. Paulene, she be an old maid cause she don turned 19 and ain’t even got a bow. Hit’s kinda pitiful but she don past her prime and she probably just be a school teacher like Mis Fannie Mae now. But I got two rite fine dawters, Ethelyene and Saylene. And I got a niece what is fine, too. That be Margirene who is my brother’s baby girl. Ethelyene is 15 and Saylene is 13, so they both in the mahrrying age, but you mite have tu wait on Margirene a couple of years cause she only 11 now.

But, fore my youngans kin have my blessings fer mahrrying, they gotta graduate from the 6th grade. Now, Saylene only in the 4th grade so she got bout 4 or 3 years left fore she kin git hitched. But Etheylene is in thu 6th grade now and we thank she gonna graduate this year. She smart as a whip and she git tu thu 6th grade faster than eny of her sisters.

Now, if you plan to mahrry my dawter, you gotta pass the Bubba test. You gotta prove that you at least as smart as Bubba. He be the bottom rung on thu ladder and jesta be honest, we lowered it a bit for him being he’s my nephew.

So, you kin come on down, I thank Harley’ll let cha sleep in the back of his station, and you kin court Ethelyene and we’ll see how she lacks you and Blue. If you end up mahrrying Ethelyene, we gone havta change yor dogs name on account that I got me a nephew what we call Blue.

You and Blue kin hunt up some possums and rabbits for eating and we see if theys a spark tween you and Ethelyene. I hope yor intentions are rite cause if they ain’t, my shotgun stay loaded to the gills wit double ought buckshot and I don’t far no warning shots.

Whinningly Yours’
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner



_______________________________________


31. Subject: To Whom It may concern...

To Whom It May Concern,

Ahem, I am the self-proclaimed diva o’ manners of Chasskahoosa, Florida and I have a very serious complaint.

It started out innocently enough with your super deluxe gourmet wheelbarrow o’ cheese with sidecar basket of California wines, given to us by the honorable mayor of our town. While your gift ‘barrow #2 is mighty tasty it has a rather odd side affect that goes against all of my Miss Manners University training.

Now everywhere I turn in my house there is some one cutting the cheese! Nowhere I turn is safe from the kitchen to the living room to the dining room. I even was forced to endure my husband cutting the cheese at his workbench in the garage!

One would think that I would be safe if I just left my humble abode on Elm Street, but noooo… I think the mayor was gifting your products to the whole town for any where I turn someone, somewhere is cutting the cheese!

Please give me some explanation or guidance in this matter, as I am about to lose my mind!

Sincerely,

Gladys Turner
Lady ‘o Manners
Chasskahoosa, Florida
~*!RedRidingHood!*~

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear Mz Turner,

So yur thu diver of Chattahochie, FL. Wahl ain’t that sumpin. My fifth cousin lived thur for several years, then they got his medicine regulated and let ‘im out. Course he can’t have eny sharp thangs and his mama hasta watch him purty close.

You know hit ain’t to fer over to Two Egg and of course you know ‘ats jest round thu corner from Booger Bottoms. And I had a sister what used to live in Sopchoppy. They don moved now over to Grand Ridge and they got a son over to Blountstown.

Now, ‘bout yor problem. Theys two thangs that kinda puts thu hare in the butter with yor situation, so to speak. One is then Californey Wine. We don’t sell that domestic stuff. We import our whine straight from Baton Rouge, Luzianner from the famous Hiney’s Whinery owned and operated by the Hiney Brothers, Big Red and Thor Hiney. So I thank that mayor of yor’s may be running a bootleg operation with that old cheap stuff from Californey.

Now the second part of that problem is them wheelbarrows o’ cheese. We did offer fer a short time a wheelbarrow gift pack, but you had to supply the wheelbarrow and we jest sent one of ire Holiday Gift Paks. You see, hit’s jest me and Bubba a making thu cheese and sometimes we kin git Raylene, Irmalene and maybe Harley, but we don’t’ like to use Harley cause he got too much grease and oil under his fingernails and it makes the cheese taste a little like gasoline. But with all us squishing together we can’t turn out that much cheese. So, I thank yor mayor is using our good name but purchasing inferior products from people lack Kraft, Bordens, and t’other folks lack ‘at.

I’m gonna havta talk to Sheriff Scrunts here and he may havta come down thur and investigate this situation. I thank this may be one of them theft by deception cases. Ya’ll ain’t close to Gawga are ya?

We gonna git to thu bottom of this and in the mean time, order some real Whine and Cheese from us. You send thu and we cash it. And we send the cheese, too.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner



______________________________________________


31. Subject: Ahh!

It drives me absolutly nuts when bone-head members of Stories.com read your stuff and decide they can not take 3 seconds out of their busy day to rate and review the work they read...or when they DO rate, they give you a crappy rating and no reason for it!

ClearMetal

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner

Dear ClearMetal,

First, I wanna say I’m sorry for that crappy rating I don give you. I wuz confused bout what them numbers meant. The Story Mistress don straighten me out on that. She really a nice lady when she wants to be. She only holler at me once. The problem wuz thet them numbers t’weren’t clear. I thought ‘at number 1 mean you wuz saying they wuz number one. I thought five meant last. Yuh see, in Red House if I say you number 5, you way down on the totem pole. ‘Ats like when I graduated from Red House Consolidated Elementary School, Mis Fannie Mae said I wuz graduated 5th in my class. But you see, they wuz only 5 in the class, so I wuz on the bottom. But Orville, what is now our sheriff, wuz number 1 and so he wuz the first. So, I jest messed up on ‘at rating, but the Story Mistress don straighten me out and she done it rite nice. She only called me dum one time and stupid only twice. Course they wuz a couple of pea-brained and ignoramuses and idiots throwed in but she did say I wrote good for someone of my caliber.

So I thank it be alright now and you kin order some of our Holiday Gift Packs and be shore to send thu money with the order cause we don’t take no credit orders. Bubba gits upset when he git a order and no money with it.

Whiningly Yours,
Jim Whinery, Head Whiner.