No kidding, True Story!

The things you see in the Army...
 
 
         I met this guy once who had a reputation of lighting his farts with a cigarette lighter. No kidding, true story! And one day he proved it to us by giving us a show, and sure enough, it worked! Later on, I noticed his BDU pants had a big rip down the inside of one of the legs and was torn out. Come to find out that he caught himself on fire.
 
 
         I met another guy who could puke on command. No kidding, true story! I remember once we had a long field problem, about 27 days. We all made it back to the barracks and were going through recovery. Well, my buddies and I got through cleaning our rifles early so we wanted to call our ladies. But this other chap was using the only phone booth close to our company. You guessed it. After a few displays of regurgitation he decided to give up the phone. Needless to say that our “puker pal” never got any sympathy when he was really was sick because, well, how could you tell?
 
 
         I was stationed in Berlin, Germany for about 4 years. For about 2 ½ of those years, I was an infantry scout. So I got to go on wall patrol. It was pretty simple. The East Germans had towers that they continuously manned all around the wall. We just had platforms to walk up on. So the deal was we would drive around the wall up to one of our platforms, walk up it and both them and us would then stare at each other with binoculars. Imagine it, grown men staring at each other twenty feet away with binoculars. No kidding, true story! One time we caught a pair sleeping on the job. It was in an obscure area so I guess they felt no fear. Anyway, we snuck up on them, did a SPOT report, took pictures and what not. I asked my squad leader what we were going to do. He told me that we would turn in our data to OUR intelligence office, which would in turn, hand over our report to the Russians who would then tell the East Germans that we caught their solders sleeping while on guard duty. Now THAT'S intelligent!
 
 
         Speaking about the Berlin Wall, I was there when the thing finally came down. That was a strange time let me tell ya! No kidding, true story! Several weeks before the wall did come down, people stood out there (on our side) and beat on it with hammers and such. Literally 24 hours a day, non-stop. It was starting to look like somebody had eaten the center out of a piece of bread. Eventually it got so weak that the West Germans could pull it down. And they did just that. Funny thing was, was that the East German soldiers would pull the slab back up and slap a large iron plate to hold it in place. So the West Germans kindly watched and then moved down about 10 feet and pulled down another slab. And you guessed it; the East Germans pulled it back up and slapped another iron plate on and so on and so on. Those "Herms" were some strange rangers!
 
 
         I had an opportunity to go through the French Commando School in the French sector of Berlin. It wasn’t much fun, I’m here to tell ya. Mostly hand-to-hand combat and lots of obstacle courses. But my partner Howard and I got to be good friends with a pair of French fellas. No kidding, true story! One time we all decided to head down to our favorite bar. The four of us sat there and chatted for more than 5 hours, yes 5 whole hours. We talked about women, booze, the Army, women (again), France, America, you name it. It had to have been one of the best nights that I can remember. Funny thing was that neither Howard nor I could speak French and they couldn’t speak English at all. Can you figure this one out? We did!
 
 
         I was “lucky” enough to participate in the Gulf war. Got to spend some time in Turkey helping an aviation battalion patrol the 36th parallel. You know, the line Saddam wasn’t supposed to cross. Anyway, our focus was to perform DART missions. (Downed Aircraft Recovery Teams). So basically we would secure a crashed helicopter so the Iraqis couldn’t get it. And save the pilot if we got around to it. No kidding, true story! One time a helicopter did crash. It was an Apache. We flew in Black Hawks about 100 feet above them. Well, by the time the Black Hawk got down to the ground after the crash, CNN was already there taking pictures. I’ve not figured that one out, yet.
 
 
         I remember another flight in Turkey. We were flying along (enjoying the cool breeze and if you’ve been there in the heat, you’ll know what I mean.), when suddenly our pilot shot the helicopter straight up like a rocket. I mean the pressure was so strong I could feel my skin ripple. Now, I’ve ridden many helicopters, nap to the Earth and that sorta thing but let me tell you, it’s not the same when your not training; the ‘real’ will really scared the crap out of you. No kidding, true story! This guy (the pilot) ram jetted this helicopter all the way back to base camp. I’m thinking, we’re being shot at, RPG, Triple A, something serious, right?!?! Come to find out, the helicopter was running out of fuel. I think I’ve figured this one out: "Idiot!"
 
 
         Still in Turkey, we had to build our fox holes in case of an attack. Well there happens to be a group (for a lack of a better word) of Turkish whom call themselves the “Peshmerga” Sound it out, you’ll get it. Anyway, they hate Americans. As a matter of fact, they hate the Turkish as well. Since the police and army are one in the same in Turkey, the Turkish soldiers were always getting into small fire-fights with them. I think these fellas loved tracer rounds so much that they loaded their entire magazines with them because we constantly watched glowing bullets fly over our heads. As you can imagine, we went on alert several times thinking we were being attacked when it was only the Turkish and Peshmerga shooting at each other. I suppose our commanders didn’t trust us dumb grunts because we weren’t allowed to carry any ammo with us. The plan was that we would all run out to our foxholes and a hummer (that would be a truck for all you "Jody's" out there) would drive past and pitch in our loaded magazines. No kidding, true story! I remember one time the fighting was very close and the tracers where way too close; I mean just above our heads. Of course we went on alert and ran out to our holes. I was scared this time. I knew in my heart that this was it. (Actually it didn't turn out to be, but not knowing that I was freaking out.) Some say at times like this, they see their whole life flash before them. Others say they go on military overload and become killing machines, and still others say they just "mind freeze" and blank out. None of that happen to me, at all. The only thing I could think in my head was, “Where the Hell is that truck?!?!”
 
 
Take care!
 
 
Kactus Berry