Shattered Reflections

I look at myself in the mirror and think: you look like shit. And that is how I feel, like shit. My disheveled appearance in the bathroom mirror doesn't really fit the blind compliments that I receive from my family and the meager circle of friends that I managed to make over the course of my life. Why they stuck around is beyond me anyway.

If I was so handsome, why didn't I have a girlfriend, or even a date in my life for that matter?

The closest I ever had was my high school friend, Rebecca. In more ways we were like brother and sister and had been mistaken for such at numerous times. It was with Rebecca that I had shared my fondest memories.

In our freshman year, she and I were partners on term papers, and something she had said to me will remain grafted in my memory for as long as I live: "It seems like we will be together forever."

That was what I wanted, but I knew it wouldn't be so. Rebecca was one of the popular girls, smart, pretty, and everything a guy like me wanted to be with. But she already had a boyfriend, Brandon. I didn't like the guy all that much; mainly because he was cocky and thought he was the big shit.

What really killed me was the way he treated Rebecca. She was his toy, an ornament to wear on his arm to show off to all his buddies on the soccer team. And I knew that he hurt her, physically.

Once she came into school in tears, wearing not her usual short and tight clothes, but a baggy sweater and jeans. Her face was bruised under the eyes and on her neck. "I got into a fight with my brother," she told me, but I knew her brother. He wouldn't even come close to doing a thing like that to her.

All through high school my crush on Rebecca continued, as did her relationship with Brandon. At one point it appeared that she had broken things off with him, so I thought I'd take a chance to console Rebecca as well as prove my love for her.

She hugged me and gave me the lovely smile that I just adored. "I'm sorry, Mike. You are a very sweet guy, and any girl would be so lucky to go out with you." It was the speech I had heard so many times. If any girl would be lucky to go out with me, why was I still so alone?

It turned out that she and Brandon really had stayed together, or made up, or something. In my opinion, I thought that he had forced her to stay with him by threatening her. Rebecca never said to me why. At least we still remained friends, though I sensed something different about her.

During our senior year of high school, we were both excited about our future lives. Rebecca had a scholarship to the University of Maryland, and I was very proud of her, though sad that I wouldn't see her as often, as I was only going to community college. But we agreed we would still keep in touch. She told me she had a letter for me, but I was only supposed to read it after she left. I agreed.

I still remember the day that I got a phone call from Rebecca's mom. It was a cold, rainy Monday morning toward the end of April. She told me she had some very bad news, but I could tell by the sound of sobbing in her voice what happened.

At that moment I almost dropped the phone, and my legs grew weak, so I sat on the floor by the desk. I barely heard her next words. "Mike, I found a letter addressed to you on her bed. Would you like to come over and get it?" Holding back my tears I told her I'd be right over. It was the letter Rebecca had told me about on graduation day.

The trip to Rebecca's house took much longer than usual, as I walked very slowly. I looked down at the ground with many questions tearing at my brain as I took each step.

Her mother stood on the porch, and gave me a long warm hug when I arrived. She cried, and I cried, and I clung to her just as much as she embraced me.

I waited until I got home and closed the door to my room before opening the envelope. Inside was a photo of Rebecca and I during one of our field trips to the Baltimore Zoo, and of us at the post-production party from the school play in junior year. The letter that came with it read:

Mike,
         I hope this letter finds you in good spirits. You probably know by now what has happened to me, but please know that it was not your fault. You have been such a good person to me, and even though I didn't tell you (I couldn't, rather), I was in love with you.

         Brandon was such a pain in my ass; always hurting me, physically, and always put me through so much shit that I had to leave for good. I wanted to apologize for turning you down, but I just couldn't get away from Brandon. And that is why I had to go.

         Please keep me in your heart forever, and know that I will be looking down on you and loving you with all my heart wherever I am.

Love,
Rebecca

===

I cried like never before that evening. I hardly ate, and all I could do was look at her picture in the yearbook and wish she was still alive.

So, here I am looking at myself in the mirror before going to Rebecca's funeral. The reflection of myself shattered by a loss of the only person who really loved me...