Can’t stop my mind from rambling

 
I’m simply spilling out my mind. I’m not paying attention to grammar or creativity. It will seem a bit stagnant at first but if you have the tolerance, read on. Let's see if you agree.
 
 
I’m sitting around on this Saturday afternoon pondering. Often do that and just let my mind bounce from subject to subject.
 
 
I’ve lived alone for several years and I have figured out that “loners” tend to develop a different strategy for living than do others. For one, you may think me a madman if you watched me talking to myself. Yep, I do chatter with myself. And you do, too I bet! Yes you do… you know you do! Another thing is I have to be a bit careful about how I behave. Think of it, if I climb a latter to change a light bulb and fall of in the process, who would know that I was hurt? Say it happened on a Friday. I’d be dead for three days before somebody realized anything happened. I’ve also noticed that my style of living has changed over the past couple of years. I have no one to answer to or answer for. Not that relationships must be dominating, but you still want to know what’s happening to your better half, right? Makes me wonder, now that I “come and go”, how this has shaped my views on tight-knit families? At any one time, no body will realize my whereabouts. There was a time when I’d spend all day and night in Topeka KS and make it home after 2 or 3 in the morning. It wasn’t a drunken spur! I was hanging out with some of my skydiving buddies. And since I live in Chanute (sounds like sha-noot) and they live in Topeka it became natural that the long drive was just part of the visit.
 
 
Thinking about being “tight-knit”, I think its ok to do things individually. One should trust their partner. I hate to see when a couple tries to rope each other down. I think that you’ve got to be self-sustainable before you and sustain a relationship, right? I hate jealousy. I really hate it. Having or seeing it just doesn’t work for me. I love to skydive. It’s about the only thing I do “for me” outside of the house. My EX used to skydive with me. And she hated it. It scared the hell out of her! I mean, each time we went up, I thought she was going to burst. She was so scared that it may have been unsafe for her to jump. So she eventually quit altogether. BUT (for the lack of a better word) she was “jealous” that I wanted to continue. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t let her come to the dropzone. As a matter of fact, I encouraged it (No need though, she insisted that she go). But each time became more of a chore then enjoyable. For example, each time she wanted to leave for the dropzone earlier and earlier. Got to the point where if we left when she wanted to we’d be waiting for a couple of hours before the dropzone even opened. I feel that this was punishment or an attempt to prevention because she simply couldn 't accept that I was doing something outside of her world. It was actually just a terrible existence. And it caused many problems, most of which I put up with. But now I wonder, after so much time, if I will be as understanding as I was with her. I don’t know.
 
 
Understanding! What is that anyway? How do we define “understanding” and what it supposed to do for us? Do we really understand each other? When a man speaks to a woman and she is quietly responding with a nod, does that mean she agrees with what the man is saying? I think that most men would concur, honesty being forced. But, I believe, that what is actually happening is that she is showing that she’s listening and receiving the information. Not that she simply agrees with him. Most men will comply with this on the surface but I’ve seen many make this mistake. Seems like men feel the need to project a teaching, conquer a problem, or solve a mystery. I read somewhere that when a woman wants to unload she’s really just seeking a sympathetic ear not necessarily an answer. Makes sense right? So is understanding just a good practice of communicating? I think it’s got to be more. Sometimes I wonder if I have good communication skills. I don’t doubt my empathy, though. I do have a fair ability to feel the moment. Know the situation. And in some cases, this means realizing sides of that which may not be so popular. Say that you disagree with the death penalty. Does this mean that those countries in the Middle East must forgo their governmental right to execute their own people? If you concentrate on this then you must realize that a government is larger than one’s life. It is an ongoing concern. The decisions of the government in those countries outside of us have the right to proceed in a way that the see fit. I’m not saying the death penalty is good. On the contrary, only God has the right to take your life. The point is: do you understand that you are not part of that history, that process or that people. And in that can you empathize with how that nation must feel when others criticize or condemn the actions of that government. If you hate the death penalty then you must be steaming right now. And if so then you are still missing the point. Understanding and empathy has nothing to do with agreeing but everything to do with insight and knowledge. Martin Luther King knew this very well. His whole policy was based on non-violent protest. He new that our government would be strengthened if the opposing forces threw riots. He also realized that passive conduct would win in mass. He had an understanding of how the populous would react. Jesus Christ did the same exact thing. “Turn the other cheek” is a prime example of being passive. But they both were executed! You just stated, right? Having understanding doesn’t mean that you need to get involved. It is very much like ‘seeking a sympathetic ear…’
 
 
Society is an involvement. In my opinion, the term “society” may be defined as the living personality of a group. I am so confused by those who feel the need to break from the norm that society as set. Why would you put a “Bolt” through your nose? Why do you have 99 thousand earrings poking out from your head? And what’s with all the bracelets? Did you know that is a nuclear bomb exploded near you that all that metal would heat to a point that the bolt in your nose will melt right out of your face! I’ve heard a million times that “this is the way I am, why can’t you except me for what I am?” My response to that is Bullsh**!!!! This is not the way you are, it is the way you’ve chosen to be. You can take off all that crap and Walla you’re just like the rest of us. I think that the word “Normal” has a bad rap. We haven’t gave it the credit that it truly deserves. If you knew what it was like to be really abnormal or unique then you may have a different viewpoint. Unique may be defined as “radically distinctive and without equal” which sounds very romantic but in reality its not so pretty. I’ve had an opportunity to “visit” some third world countries thanks to Uncle Sam. And let me tell you, being “White” makes you unique. I was the minority. I was the lesser. I was unique. And there was nothing I could do about it. One cannot change their skin color or facial shape. But I bet some are treated differently because of this. Should they be? Hell no! But why do we act differently to those who look different? This, I will never understand. If you truly are not a prejudice person then you won’t understand what the word prejudice means. When I see a beautiful woman I see beauty not even realizing what the color of her skin is. When I hear an intelligent speaker, I hear knowledge, not the accent he or she has. I understand that we all want to be individuals; we all want to have a niche. If you find yours then I’m “jealous” but why would you want to use intimidation, fear or rebellion as your storefront? For me, seeking knowledge is the greatest form of being unique. You can’t take off knowledge; you won’t remove it when you shower. It can’t be “unpinned” from your mind; washed off in the sink. A person with great knowledge is respected no matter his or her looks. Doesn’t matter what their birthright, you listen because fact is fact no matter the language it is spoken.
 
 
And I do indeed seek knowledge. I’ve been trying to get my college degree for seven years now. I HATE SCHOOL! After seven years of working and schooling full time (and my home and the college are 62 miles apart) I will enjoy so much more freedom even when working a 40-hour week. You see, I get up and drive 62 miles to attend school at Pittsburg State University. Then I drive back those LONG 62 miles to work for a circuit board manufacture in Chanute. This makes for a very bleak social life. (Good thing I’m single, huh?) I’m still able to write a few short stories and poems from time to time and I get a skydive every month or so. I suppose my determination now is just getting it finished. I haven’t had much problems doing this other than the fatigue. But hey, I was Infantry and lack of sleep was one of our biggest missions. Most people at work know only this about my personal life. That I attend school. So as you may have guessed, other then work related topics, I get into many a conversation about college. I’ve heard a billion (not just a million but a billion) times that her or him or they would love to go to school but “haven’t got the time” or “can’t afford it” etc, etc, etc. I have never tried to recruit anyone to go to school. So I guess they must be trying to justify (through me) why they won’t go. I hear these people babbling and I’m thinking to myself “why are you telling me this?” If you don’t want to go to college then don’t! I don’t care. You’re life man! But what really kills me the all the excuses I hear. You’ll get no sympathy from me! I’ve had to pay my way. I work full time (62 miles away, remember) and I’ve got to take care of my household, too. College isn’t for everyone. But if you want to make it. If you want to do better (and I can’t imagine not always trying to get better) then school is a good vehicle to use. Even with my terrible schedule, I’ve still managed to make it into the honor society, graduate with departmental honors and received the Outstanding Seniors Award for the Kelce business school. (By the way, the ceremony is April 22nd, want to go.) So I say that not only can you do it but, you can do it well! I’m not saying that I’m smart. (The school is rather easy, (if you are faculty, ignore that!)). What I’m saying is success is available to all of us. I’ve done rather well and I’m not a traditional student. (Of course, I don’t spend all my free time partying, either.) There are so many roads in our life to choose from. The most beneficial will most likely be the most difficult to travel. I’ve felt, at times, to give up the effort.
 
So what will this endeavor do for me? Why try so hard?
 
I don't think that it’s what it ‘will’ do for me but what it’s already done.
 
 

Thanks be to my lord, who has given me life to live, journeys to take, memories to cherish and the chance to see the glory of heaven.

 
 
 
Kactus Berry