Take Me Out To The Ballgame

“We are back to the game. We have a real pressure cooker here, a pitching dual between the rookie “Bovine Bessie” and the retiring pitcher “Bull Durham”. The score is tied at zero, these two teams have really played their hearts out tonight but we’ll run down the action so far.

“In the first inning with The Beautiful Bovine’s up to bat, it was the beautiful Gertie at the plate. She hit a scorching line drive straight for the centerfield fence. The Heavy-Hitting Holsteins star player, Samson Bull, made a tremendous stab at it and get it from going over the fence. Gertie was held to a single, where she was stranded with three consecutive outs.

“The third inning brought the Heavy-Hitting Holsteins to the plate, bases were loaded when Bovine Bessie got her act together and struck out three straight. Her bench gave a great big cud filled sigh of relief. That was pretty much the excitement of the game so far. The Beautiful Bovines have no runs on four hits and no errors. The Heavy-Hitting Holsteins have no runs with five hits, walked three times and one error. And now back to the game in the seventh inning. We are starting up the action with the Heavy-Hitting Holsteins having the bases loaded

“Bovine Bessie is really having the game of her career; then again it is her first game. She came to the ‘Big Show’ with a successful career in the minor leagues. Her patent pitches are the Fly Swatter, which is her heater. The Cloven Hoof, which acts like the split fingered fast ball. This split hoof gives the ball some real spinning action and all kinds of movement. I’ve heard some of her teammates say that the only way to hit this pitch is to close your eyes and swing. I’ll let a little secret out of the bag, she normally only throws this pitch with her ahead in the count.

“Coming up to bat is none other than the other half of the pitching dual, Bull Durham. Besides pitching this Holstein can hit. He has a lifetime batting average of .338 with over four hundred homeruns. This will be his last game; he is being put out to pasture. He nonchalantly walks up to the plate. He looks around at the stadium and he is looking to do his impersonation of the “Babe” by pointing to the right centerfield fence. He taps his bat on the plate, stands up on his hind legs and stares down Bessie.

“Bessie positions the ball in her hoof pats at the ground with her back right foot. She waits for her signal from her catcher. Ladies and Gentlemen she got the two toes pointing down; she is going to throw the Cloven Hoof. They must want to get ahead of him before he can use the count to wait for his pitch.

“She balances herself on the pitchers mound, checks the position of the ball in her hoof, and leans slightly forward. She’s ready and with her inhaled breath she launches the ball. There is so much movement on this ball it is hard to determine where the ball will cross the plate. The ball has the spin of a lost fly on a hot summer day. Bull brings his bat of his big meaty shoulder at the start of his swing but he holds it. He sees the ball start to drift off target. The cow behind him shifts her weight in the direction of the wayward ball.

“THE BALL IS IN THE DIRT...It’s a wild pitch. Ball one. Did that catcher save the game! It was the greatest move of any catcher I have ever seen.

“Bessie regains her composure and now has thrown two strikes and another ball. The count is two balls and two strikes. She is tired but doing the best not to show it to anyone. She gets her next signal and once again she is going to try the Cloven Hoof. Her wind up is the same except this time she makes sure to step on the rosin bag to get some of the white powder between her toes. She wags her tail, she’s ready. Here comes the pitch...

“IT GOES WIDE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE PLATE!!! The Catcher can’t save this one. The ball is chased after but not in time for the run to score and for the only non-bovine to retrieve the ball. The runners halt when the umpire puts his hands in the air. Since the ball is in the mouth of a dog, play can not continue.

“Bessie is devastated, not only because it was her wild pitch that scored the run, but that the dog with the ball is her dog friend, “Jake”. Now it is a matter of who can catch that dog first. It is dog-demonium now with half of the Beautiful Bovines and the umpires chasing Jake around the stadium. This game could be halted for quite some time if he doesn’t find someone to give that ball to soon.

“It took a few minutes but the ball was retrieved. Bull Durham still is challenging Bovine Bessie at the plate. There’s a full count on the batter and Bessie is visibly shaken. Her team is now down by one run late in the game and they are threatening to score more. She has to put that all behind her to throw one more pitch.

“Here is the wind up. She is throwing the Fly Swatter at an unbelievable rate of speed. Bull swings at something, misses it completely. Strike three. She has struck out Bull Durham and now the manager walks out to the mound with his left hoof in the air. He is calling for the left hoofed pitcher ‘Bovine Betsy‘

“The crowd cheers Bovine Bessie and her great first game. Now let’s get back to the pitch by pitch account of the game at hand...”