Battle of the Sexes Report

After a ton of submissions where people were asked about their opnions on the various issues in the 'battle between the sexes'.

I have 'compiled' the more common comments into shorter items and coloyur coded the text to what women and men said. The peace deal and my comments remain in black.

The results were quite interesting. The sets of questions were split into 3 categories. The first category is issues that women take more affront to than men, the second category is the reverse, and the third category is two questions that ask for gender and their opinion on who would win the war.

Ministry of Sport

Men must not shout at the TV during sporting events. The players can't hear you. You are also not allowed to spend all of Sunday perched on the edge of the sofa doing nothing while your favourite team looses... again!

Every man is authourised at birth to yell at TV sports, insult the referee and provide a running commentary. We also tend to only have two days off a week. Do you begrudge us spending one day doing something we like?

When watching sports, men retain the rights to shout at the TV - within limits - You can insult the referee for up to three bad decisions per game but NO swearing. You will get the snacks at half time. And remember, the players know the rules without your help.

Health

When suffering from a headache, men will take an asprin quietly. Stop acting like youre suffering from cholera.

But maybe we ARE suffering from cholera. Now you mention it, i do feel a bit ropey. And could you just stop moanin about your period pains? Its really not good for my headache.

A man who is ill deserves sympathy and care. Men may indulge in up to two serious illnesses a year and your wife/girlfriend will bring you breakfast in bed. But only if men stop thumbing through medical textbooks every time they sneeze. Mild headaches and sneezes do not count as serious illness.

Transport

Men must not get so cross when they are driving. It really desent matter. Do not rev the engine to more than 2000rpm in first gear. And switch off that thumping music and listen to something more soothing like a Joanna Trollope audio-book, you might find motorway (freeway) ques more enjoyable

We can overdo it on the roads. But do you blame us?

Okay, no male driver shall take out his road based frstrations on the woman in the passenger seat. We will also try to refrain from premtive sounding the horn, gesticulating or shouted obscenities to other drivers. Neither shall they be forced to listen to lady novelists' book tapes on the stereo.

Office Affairs

Men may not assume that a snog at the office 'doesen't count' as infidelty.

Are we talking an innocnet peck on the cheek, a fridnly kiss - or the full multi tounge Monty? Plus take note that every male snogger requires a female snoggee!

People in relationships should watch their behaviour at office parties. If you do feel the need to be unfaithful, then atleast head to the stationery cupboard first.

Fashion

Men should stop thinking its sexy to rip off a womans clothes and toss them on the floor. All she will be thinking about is the ironing they will need in the morning.

The next time we catch you thinking about ironing we reserve the right to go straight back to the TV. Still, if it makes you happier, we will stop ripping your clothes off. Just dont go telling all your girlfriends that the passion has gone out of your sex-life.

Rampant passion is sexy. Rampant passion that ruins favourite outfits is not. What if we try ripping clothes off passionatley, then putting them neatly on a hanger and coming back?

Domesticity

Men will not insist they can fix the car/dishwasher/central heating and will call an expert.

We only fix appliances because you expect us too

Domiestic appliances should be repaired by someone trained to do so. So men; DONT mend the washing machine but do occasionally use it - you use the round hole at the front!

Ho-Ho... No?

Men will not tell jokes, especially ones they read on the internet. Just chat. True humour naturally arises from gossip and chat.

Humour is an essential element of good conversation.

A good joke ia a delight. A bad comedian a disaster.

Rising to Number 5...

Men will scrap their mental checklist of the sexiset women in the world.

and youve never debated whether Brad Pitt rates above George Clooney?

When picking celebrities to fancy, both sides will pick ones who look remotley like their partner, but much much older!

Mini Ha-Ha

Don't say our skirts are too short then spend all evening chatting up someone who is basically naked.

Any man who complains his girlfriend's skirt is too short should marry her and see how fast they get ankle length. In the meantime, your right - unless you really dont have the legs for that frock... unlike the girl over there...

It's not a good idea to chat up someone else while your partner is in the same room - or at any other time really. If you cant help yourself, you should at least try to reassure your partner in the car on the way home with lines like 'she was really quite boring' and 'i only pretended to enjoy the conversation but i really wanted to get back to you'.

Bravo Two Zero

Stop getting excited as you read about new stealth bombers and SAS/Navy seals equipment packs.

The day you stop getting excited by Jennifer Aniston's new hair-do, we will drop our weapon fetishes.

Big boys shouldnt play at soldiers (unless they are one) and big girls should put away their Barbies. Men do conceed that Jennifer's hairdo doesnt actually cause death and destruction unless the stylist copies it incorrectly.

Viewing rights

Women will not get unreasonably upset if we watch other girls go by on streets, beaches and dance floors.

What do you mean watch? And try not to dislocate your neck as girls go by. On the beach we can see you sucking your stomachs in... why not loose weight instead?

Both sexes may oggle and flirt a bit. But only on occasion, and do it discreetly and tastefully. Men will keep nec rotation to a minimum. If they DO oggle the beach-babes, their partner can flirt with the lifeguard.

Cross Examination

Women will NOT ask men about their dress, diet, size-of-bum, etc, to which there is no acceptable answer.

Who else can we ask?

If you ask an honest question about clothes, be prepared for an honest answer. Alternativley, the acceptable answer is 'you look absolutley fantastic', but if this IS used, dont come back from dinner crying because we never told you about the VPL.

Insurance Policies.

Many ignored this question. One said 'An intersting idea in theory, but we would only do it if we are willing to throw away five years of commitment to someone we obvioulsy like enough to stay with for five years anyway.'

Murder is still illegal right? An absolutley resounding no from ALL the women.

A long shot that i put in for some mid-questioneir anger - Absolutleny no infidelity EVER! No straying, no kissing, and if you need to do something with your hands... try the washing up!

Friendly fire?

If we cared about keeping track of angst-ridden relationships with friends, colleagues, etc, we'd be girls.

You should try harder to follow fascinating developments in these peoples lives. You might even find that their troubles are more interesting than football.

Only if He plays for Liverpool and she is the wife of a Manchester United player. Seriously... Men like sport, women like gossip and thats the end of it!

Waste Management

You will not throw away any of our old clothes withour first seeking permission.

This is simply an act of kindness. Those jeans make you look like a hobo.

Mens clothes take time to get nicley worn in. So we may keep favourite old garments - untill they start to decompose.

A to Z and Back again.

Women should respect the male need to keep CD's videos and books in carefully alphabetised rows. Besides, those socks are left on the bathroom floor... they are filed under laundry!

How can you be so obsessed with neatness in this department and leave everything else in a mess?

He tidies up those socks and she puts CDs back where they belong.

Change and Decay

Women who enter relationships with the idea to change their man are in for an uphill struggle.

But if we didnt change you, youd still be lying around in caves grunting and scratching yourself

Men will accept that they may have room for improvment. Women will accept there may be limits and that scratching and grunting can be fun - and are as at least as useful as lying on the sofa watching black and white movies and eating buckets of chocolate.

Time Zones.

Just once we aske that they be ready on time... just once!

Its glamerous to be late.

Time spent getting ready should be no more than 50% of the duration of the event itself and arrival at the event should be no later than halfway through.

The earnestness of being Important.

Women should refrain from mocking serious sporting events.