Keyboard/Heart (Chapter Four)

A love letter to Johnny Angel



This is the final installment in this four-part series.



On November 5, my folks and I went to Danville to celebrate Daddy's 84th Birthday at THE MAYBERRY CAFE.



Originally, we'd meant to leave much earlier, but things kept coming up--including some car repairs that had to be tended to so that our drive there and back would be safe.



Because of the late hour, I had pretty much decided against dropping in on Johnny Angel--but we were crossing right over his street on the way there, and the temptation was just too much to resist.



There were lights on in his workplace, and his car was parked around in back.



Since his receptionist was gone for the day, I knew that I wouldn't be reaching him by phone, so I decided to tap on the window to his conference room if he were in there.



This time, his blinds were closed, so I couldn't really tell if he were in there or not.



I parked the car and locked my folks inside of it before making my way over the patch of grass and through the bushes to get to his window.



Upon looking inside, I noticed he was on the phone in the conference room, so I knocked very quietly.



He looked around to see where the noise was coming from and got up to. . .



I would soon find out that he had gotten up to check the place for intruders.



At the time, I thought he got up to answer the door, so I headed to the front door.



There's an outer set of doors and an inner set of doors.



The outer doors opened, but the two steps I would have to climb to get inside didn't have a railing, and I didn't want to end up stuck in that alcove with the chance that nobody would hear me knocking on the inner doors, so I decided to knock on the windows.



Nobody came there. So I decided to go around and check in back. Nobody was out there either. I knocked on the back door, but nobody heard me--which isn't surprising, as there's actually a sort of mud room when you go through that door and another door to go through after that to get to the workplace.



At that point, I should have simply gotten back in the car and headed on towards Danville--but I couldn't resist giving one more try by going to the window of the conference room again.



I looked in. This time, he was no longer on the phone but was, instead, looking at some files, so I tapped on the window less quietly.



This time, he turned around, and I indentified myself.



He left the conference room.



In a matter of seconds, I heard him calling to me as he came around the corner from the back of the building. He still wasn't quite certain that I was the one who was now making my way back to the sidewalk from my lurking spot in the bushes.



Looking back on it, I know I must have been quite a sight standing there in my t-shirt, jeans, sneakers, and sweater-jacket with my hair sticking out in such a way that I must have looked like a Garbage Pail Kid.



He wasn't too happy about the way that I'd been lurking around in the bushes and tapping on the window--and told me that he had some clients there he was working with. This was something I wasn't aware of, because they were in another area of the building.



After all we've been through, I don't believe that this will end up driving a nail into our friendship's coffin.



In fact, I took the disappointment pretty well until we were driving home from Danville and I happened to notice the little park that had been built in honor of cancer survivors. I had planned on sending Mark (HTP) a picture of that little park and telling him that I was counting on him to show up there in the near future.



Somehow, that really got to me and blended with the earlier feeling of being dressed down by Johnny Angel and undid me. Tears began to spill non-stop down my face. It was a long time before I managed to get the waterworks under control.



Here are copies of my last three imood descriptions, going from earliest to latest:



WEEPY



November 5 (yesterday) was mostly a great day.



Due to a number of things we had to get done before leaving, my folks and I left late to go to Mayberry Cafe to celebrate Daddy's birthday.



Once there, we had a wonderful time.



On the way, I had this "craving" to see Johnny Angel.



Bad timing.



He was trying to get some work done, and I was an unwelcome interruption at this particular time.



I can understand that. Been there. Done that.



Sure! I was disappointed, but there will be other times--at least, I hope so.



Sitting here in the middle of the night, sad thoughts go through my head as I face the reality that I might have screwed us up. I hope this isn't the case.



But I never really felt all that blue until we were returning from Danville and passed by this little park that was dedicated to cancer survivors.



As we passed it, I'd remembered passing it a few weeks earlier and wanting to get back there when I wasn't being pushed along by the traffic so that I could stop and get a picture of the place.



I wanted to send a picture to Mark (Hard_To_Please at Epinions.com), telling him that I looked forward to his coming to this park and celebrating.



But cancer took him this past October 9.



Passing the park reminded me that a chapter had been closed and there would be no chance to send a picture to Mark.



Somehow, passing that park, the "discussion," and another incident (more on that later) have blended together and put me into a weepy mood.



Passing the park, even without the other two factors, would have probably been enough to get me all teared-up--but the other things just made the pain more intense.



The other factor?



I wanted to call the guy I was interested in before Johnny Angel (actually, AFTER Johnny Angel, too, because I'd actually liked Johnny Angel first, many years ago), because he was especially close to Mark.



Sometimes, he and I have a special connection to where we can feel what the other one is feeling.



I'd wondered if he were having a hard time over missing Mark tonight, so I called him when I got home.



Not only did he not answer but he also had his voicemail turned off. The only option left would be to FAX him, but my machine is on the blink, and I wasn't about to go out to Hampton Inn in the middle of the night and use theirs.



But, because of the funk I was in, I even took the shutting off of his voicemail personally.



Things should be all right later on today, but this is just how I'm feeling now at almost four in the morning Anderson, Indiana time on November 6, 2001. :`o(



BETTER



I'm doing some constructive things.



For one thing, I'm gathering my thoughts together re: how I feel about Johnny Angel and what he means to me. This is good for me. And, when I see him next, I'll hand him those thoughts in hard-copy so he'll also know my feelings and expectations.



And I finally got hold of Jane to have something done about all of this excess in permed hair--which ends up making me look like a wild woman too much of the time!



I was getting to the place where I almost felt like shaving my head!



You can just imagine the night of November 5 when my special guy found me "lurking" around one of his office windows in the bushes--and my hair was probably sticking straight up and out in all of the wrong places!



A FINE PICTURE I MADE, I'M SURE!!!



I told Jane that I wasn't going to Indianapolis again until she trimmed my hair!!!



Of course, I told her that AFTER I knew she was coming out to trim my hair, because I couldn't have made a promise like that otherwise! LOLOLOLOL



Something funny just occurred to me.



Back when I first began talking to J back in the winter of 1990, my perm was starting to grow out to where it was time to get a new one.



So I sent him a little note one time where I'd drawn myself as a stick person and gave myself hair that stood straight up and out.



I told him that he now knew what I looked like!



I already knew what he looked like, because I'd seen some pictures of him--and he was a knock-out!!!



He still is!!!



He talks about the fact that he's getting old! Sheesh! He's ONLY 53!



(Note: This might seem "old" to some of the younger ones reading this imood description, but, as I'll be 49 this December 12, this age is just right!)



Well, to me, he has aged gracefully.



He has put on a little weight, but I believe I'm a little more well-stuffed than I was back then, too.



And he feels so cuddly to me when I hug him!!!



Anyway, I feel much better than I did.



But I'll feel even better after my hair has been repaired.



And even better than that when I see Johnny Angel again--unless he's still mad at me!



In that case, I'll feel AWFUL!





HAPPY (this one with one of the cute, new imood faces: a happy heart)



By the time this day is over, I will have written a special tribute to my Johnny Angel--which I'll later turn into hard-copy to give to him at a later date.



And I love all of the new faces added to the imood collection--with the promise of more to come!!!



Already today, I've read a lot of great articles at various writing sites--and one of them deals with exercise!



And I've already completed some things-to-do that I'd assigned myself! And it isn't even noon yet!



Hopefully, I'll be getting some shopping done as well.



And some housecleaning done tonight.



Next week, I'm going to be spending time in Bloomington, Indiana visiting my Uncle plus doing a lot of other things in my spare time!



So, I'm starting to feel more on top of things again!



Oh yes! Jane came out and trimmed my wild hair down to size on Wednesday afternoon, and I can tell you that I look one heck of a lot better now!!!



This Sunday, I'll be part of a women's trio for our choir special--something I'm looking forward to!



Anyway, the day is beautiful!!!



Life is beautiful!!!



What more can I say!!! :o)







Finally, I want to write a letter to Johnny Angel, which I'm going to do right NOW!!!





THE LETTER



November 10, 2001



Dearest Johnny Angel,



I wanted to tell both you and anyone reading this exactly how I feel about you!



This bridge of an old Olivia Newton-John song probably says it best:



"I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable;

I'm not trying to make you anything at all--

But this feeling doesn't come along everyday,

And you shouldn't blow the chance

When you've got the chance to say:

I love you!

I honestly love you!

I honestly love you!"



You told me one time that I had come into your life when you were really feeling down, and that I'd lifted your spirits.



In many ways, you did the same for me that stormy June evening.



Like you had been back in 1990, I was licking the wounds of a relationship that had grown unexpectedly sour.



Even though I had progressed beyond where you were "at" when we first met when comparing my state of recovery to yours, it was still wonderful to feel loved and desired by such a special person from my past whom I'd long ago given up on having much of a future with.



So often, I relive in my mind the feeling of your arms around me and the soul-kisses we shared. And I want to experience this for real again and again and again forever and ever and ever!!!



You looked at the pictures of Jim I had (and still have--but I have a picture of you there, too, and it's bigger and better!) on my keychain, and you asked me how old he was. He's almost ten years younger while you're almost five years older.



I had the feeling that you were wondering how I could ever love and desire someone your age for more than a passing moment after being interested in someone so much younger who looks like Tom Cruise.



And my answer is how could I NOT love and desire you for more than a passing moment!?!



You might not realize it, but you're very easy-on-the-eyes, yourself!



Besides, I love from the inside out instead of the other way around.



That isn't to say that you should let yourself go to seed and be a slob who takes an annual bath and doesn't brush his teeth or use toilet-paper.



That's only to say that your inner-beauty is what is most responsible for making you attractive to me, though I must say that it comes wrapped in a nice package!!!



You mentioned to me that you're getting old and you feel like it--but, when I look at you, I see someone wonderful and a welcome sight to my eyes aging gracefully.



Remember, I'm growing older, too.



Ive played the same Hoosier Lotto numbers since the game first came out.



They are:



2 As in your birthday falls in the second month



7 As in Jesus matters more than whether I EVER win big in the lottery



12 As in my birthday month and day



24 As in the day in February your birthday falls on



37 As in how old I was we met face-to-face for the first time



and



42 How old you were at that time.



We are no longer 37 and 42, but that isn't necessarily bad.



Remember the poem that says to "Come grow old with me! The best is yet to be!"



Is this scaring you?



Does this sound as if I'm putting the rush on you?



I'm not trying to hurry you into anything, because I'm not even ready to go there myself.



If my cousin is right and we're meant to someday be together as husband and wife, that will be wonderful. It will happen when we're both ready for it to happen.



For now, just to be special friends is enough--to spend those precious and few moments we can find for each other during lulls in our busy schedules.



I dream of more private times when we can hold each other close and taste each others' kisses--and I think of how it will be if it's right for us to join in Holy Matrimony in the future where the sky will be the limit when it comes to expressing and celebrating our love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



But I'm happy just to sit there with you in the reception area sharing Coke and conversation while your receptionist keeps telling your clients to call back later!



Or to watch you interact with your clients in such a warm and friendly way that it's as if you've become a part of their family.



Well, I believe I said all that needs to be said for now.



I don't know when you'll be reading this. I want it to be one of those rare times when I have 100% of your attention--and, hopefully, in a place where hugging and kissing would be appropriate behavior to be engaged in.



Anyway, I'm going to close with love!



Forever Friends No Matter What--

Poetry-In-Motion :o)