THOUGHTS WHILE HURLING A DEAD MOUSE

USEFUL ADVICE FOR ALL HOMEOWNERS

I stood on my front step at 5 am with the dead mouse on my dustpan. I was surrounded by snow in varying depths. I had sandals on, but my feet were bare and my robe and pajamas were not much protection from the cold. I now looked in my Homeowners' S.O.P. to see what to do:

Protocol When Getting Rid of Dead Mouse

1. Sweep mouse onto dustpan [check]
2. Open front door [check]
3. Walk out to driveway and out driveway to road [are you out of your everloving mind?]
4. Heave mouse across road

Since #3 was out of question, I heaved mouse from step as far as possible, which was perhaps fifty feet into the snow.

Later when I took out the dog and was dressed in layers of clothes, I spotted the dead mouse atop the snow. I grabbed my snow shovel and picked the mouse up with it and then completed steps 3 & 4. When I came in, I mentioned this to my wife, who said she saw me. Told her it reminded me of burial at sea. I went off humming the Navy Hymn and then added a few cheerful choruses of "Nearer My God To Thee".

Written early winter, 2000, as email to friend