The Lawn Care Scandal

The Lawn Care Scandal

It was my day off and I was thinking about mowing the lawn. You will notice I said, “thinking about,” for this was a chore I neither enjoyed nor did willingly, because when I was a kid it was my responsibility to cut grass for my family. I had a big wheel Yazoo mower large enough to clear new ground and it seemed I was always adding to the mowable yard. Dad would say, “Push out a little further the next time you mow.” Finally I realized if I stayed around long enough, I’d be cutting grass under the trees in the woods that bordered our lawn on three sides.

Mom didn’t help either. I was already cutting our lawn, my grandfather's on her side of the family, plus a few paying customers in the area. Then while visiting my aunt and grandmother on my father’s side of the family, my mother, bless her heart, committed me to cutting their yard. She even insisted my aunt not pay me.

So when I left home, I made sure I lived where there was no grass to mow. Finally I moved into my own house and had to “take care of the lawn” again. My present lawn, while not big, was still an irritating job that I detested.

My former neighbor was a nut who mowed his grass twice a week it seemed. Well, maybe not that often but certainly once a week, plus every evening he was out watering, fertilizing, pruning and otherwise treating it with TLC to make it grow fast and green. I was glad to see him go and hoped his new neighbor, was not as fastidious about yard care. This former neighbor should start a lawn care business since he seemed to love working in the yard so much.

My present neighbor had just moved into the house a few months earlier and that morning I heard noise next door. Looking out my window I saw three young men had arrived in a company truck and were busy unloading mowers, edgers and string trimmers. All three were wearing a Rankin WaterWorld T-shirts and swimming trunks.

My neighbor was the new manager of the water park in our area and had obviously sent these guys over to take care of his lawn. It’s not fair! He would never have to worry about lawn care. This guy has a kazillion high school and college kids working for him, and with a simple, “Hey, you, go take care of my lawn,” have his grass mowed, his yard cleaned, house painted or whatever and the company pays for it. He doesn’t even have to buy a lawn mower! It's just not fair!

As I was swimming through all the syrupy scum of self-pity, I suddenly felt a brilliant revelation rise to the surface. A plan had come together! Going to my college-aged son’s room, I began rummaging through his T-shirt drawer. Had I found marijuana, a coke pipe and heroin paraphernalia all together with his name etched on the pipe, I would not have noticed because I was on a mission for a Rankin WaterWorld T-shirt. He had worn these shirts when we worked there while in high school and college. And there it was complete with the blue stars on the shoulder indicating his final level of Senior Staff. The shirt worn by summer staff in supervisory positions and adult staff. Perfect!

Trying it on I was for the first time overjoyed that he liked his T-shirts baggy cause this one fit me perfectly. With the T-shirt and shorts on, I sneaked out through the garage, making sure the boys were working in the back yard and would not notice my exit with the car. Driving slowly and as quietly as possible I headed around the block in the opposite direction so I did not pass the house next door. Arriving at the house from the other direction, I pulled into the driveway and honked the horn as I got out of the car to signal my arrival.

One of the guys came around the house and I asked, “You guys just get here?”

“Yeah,” he responded, “We stopped and got a soda at the quick mart. What’s up?”

“Quick Mart, huh? Sure you didn’t stop by the Burger Barn, I heard they got a hot new counter girl?” I accused in my best sarcastic voice.

“Yeah,” he responded. “Uh, I mean I know her but no we didn’t stop there, besides she wouldn't be there now anyway.”

“You got her schedule memorized or are you sure you didn’t stop by to check?” I questioned.

“We been here twenty minutes or so," he said adjusting his story. "We were just checking the lawn to see what we needed to do.”

“What to do? Just cut and edge the lawn, man. Now look, Joe sent you here to cut the lawn, but, you still got stuff to do at the park. Get on this and don’t drag it out. If Joe thinks you guys are just crapping around, he'll put your butt in a sling and you’ll be doing grunt work all summer.”

“Oh, we’ll get this done quick.”

By now the other two illustrious lawn jockeys had arrived and caught the end of my admonishment to them, but now I needed to set them up for for the genius of this con.

“See that you do. Oh by the way, I’m Jones, Ben Jones. I work in the accounting end of the company. Keep my eye on the profitability of the company; make sure folks ain’t taking advantage of the company, stealing time and money. You know, there’s a lot of people out there who are not what they seem to be. We have to be diligent so the company is not taken advantage,” I said suddenly realizing I had taken my admonishment down the wrong road. In the corner of my mind I saw my pastor, school principal and scoutmaster all looking at me with surprise and astonishment, as if each might not approve of my scam. I quickly cut to the chase and move on to the clincher before I lost my nerve.

“OK, you guys finish this as soon as possible and get on back to the park. Time is money,” I reminded.

“OK, Mr. Jones, we will and we'll be back to the park soon,” the first guy said.

I opened the door to my car and sat down and said, “Oh, guys, I almost forgot, Joe said you guys are to cut the lawn on the house next door, too. That’s this one over here,” I said pointing to my own house. “I think it’s a friend of his. He said you guys should cut it every time you cut his.”

“He said to cut it every time?” one of the boys asked.

“Yeah.” I responded then thinking one of them may say something to Joe, added, “Yeah, he did this a couple of years ago for some guy. A friend or maybe a stock holder, or maybe an older person who can’t mow his lawn, who knows, but one thing I know, he doesn’t want it spread around that you guys are doing it. You know, keep it on the QT,” I said raising a finger to my lips.

“I thought Joe just came to WaterWorld?” another asked.

“He did,” I replied covering my faux pax, “This was the company he just left. I worked with him there and he brought me over the make sure this one runs right. You boys probably don’t know it but this company was in trouble and they brought Joe over to pull it out and I’m like his right hand man. Now, let me tell you another thing about Joe. He doesn’t like anybody complimenting him. Deals like this yard cutting, don’t ever mention it to him. Yep, Joe was helping out an older man who couldn’t cut his grass; you know, good Samaritan kind of deal, and one kid almost got fired cause he said something to Joe. Thought he would earn a few brownie points with Joe. See, when Joe does a good deed, he likes it to remain a secret, Man, took me a week to get Joe to overlook the kid’s mistake.”

“OK. We definitely won’t say anything to anybody about this. Say, why didn’t you just call us on my cell phone?”

“You got a company cell phone?” I asked.

“No, it’s mine, but I gave the office the number,” he said.

“I didn’t even think about checking. What's your number and I’ll be sure I have it. Next time I'll just call,” I said.

This is great! Next time I'll just call the little twerp and make sure they cut my grass and he better not forget or he’ll get chewed out on the phone! This is better than I thought possible!

He handed me a paper with the number and I left retracing my course back around the block and quietly into my garage while they were again in the back. Then I sat down to enjoy a ballgame on TV. Soon I heard the sounds of lawnmowers, trimmers and edgers grow louder as they descended on my lawn. Peeking from behind the blinds it was wonderful to see those three boys hard at work. I heard the trimmer going down the side of the garage and suddenly thought about the window that would let him see my car in the garage. Racing out to the garage I grabbed three sheets and after the guy had passed the window quickly covered the side of the car and returned to my den and the TV.

The lawn care guys were working hard and I was enjoying the sound of their equipment because I was not attached to any of the handles when the sound of the doorbell brought me to reality. Who could that be I thought rising from my easy chair and heading toward the door. Suddenly I remembered two things. One, Harv Wills was coming over to talk about some investments and second, I could not go to the door because the lawn guys would see me.

Arriving at the door, I peeked through the peephole and sure enough, it was Harv. He had just rung the doorbell and now was knocking and shouting my name. Just then, the trimmer guy came up to the door and Harv asked if he had seen me.

“No sir, we been here and next door and haven’t seen anyone here,” replied the young man.

“That’s strange, he was to meet me here and he's usually good about keeping his appointments. Is his car in the garage?”

“I don’t know,” replied the trimmer guy, “I didn’t really look.”

Together they exited in the direction of my garage window and I prayed I had covered the car sufficiently. Then I hurried around the house cutting out lights and turning off the TV and any other appliance that made noise.

Eventually Harv made the trek around the house and satisfied that I was not there headed to his car. I wasn’t sure what he had talked about with the boys but I hoped he had not said anything that made them suspicious. As he drove off, I grabbed my cell phone and called his.

“Hey, Jim, where are you?” he answered his phone.

“Have you been by my house yet?” I asked thinking how one lie has to be covered by another.

“Yep, just leaving. You got the lawn care folks there, but not you.”

“I’m sorry about that, but something come up and I just didn’t have time or presence of mind to call and let you know that we needed to change our meeting time.” I explained.

“No serious damage done by it. When do you want to reschedule?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe this afternoon if you have the time, but let me get done with this little situation and then call you. That OK?”

“Sure,” he agreed, “I have some time today so just give me a call when you know what’s what.”

“Will do, Harv. Thanks for rearranging. Bye.”

That night, my wife arrived home from work and complimented me on the excellent lawn cutting and edging I had done on the yard.

“Oh, not a problem,” I said, “I plan to do a much better job this summer with the lawn.”

What a plan! Joe doesn’t know he’s paying for my lawn care, the lawn care guys don’t have a clue thinking they are doing Joe a favor and my wife thinks I am sweating behind a lawnmower every week! This is going to be a great summer and I sure hope Joe doesn’t get fired or quit for a long time.

Things went well for about 6 weeks, when one afternoon I was picking up some trash in the yard at the time Joe arrived home from work. He got out of his car and walked over to where I was working.

“You’re, uh, Mr. Jones, I think,” he said to me.

“Yes, Ben Jones,” I introduced myself to the man who was having my lawn cut.

“Nice lawn,” he commented. “You must put in a lot of time and effort to keep it so well manicured.”

“Yes, uh, it does require quite a bit of effort, but, hey,” I said cavalierly, “It’s worth it. And you keep a very nice lawn, also.”

“Yeah, well, I have a bunch of high school and college kids who cut grass all day at the park, and I just send them over each week to cut mine. They do a pretty good job, too,” he added.

“Oh, yes, I’ve seen them a couple of times and they work hard, hardly ever take a break. Busy little beavers.”

“You’ve seen them when they're cutting over here, huh? And you say they really work all the time, don’t stop and rest or dawdle to stretch the work out longer than it should?”

“Oh no. They are all business when they’re here. It’s work, work, work, and they seem to stay busy all the time,” I said trying to make the guys seem industrious.

“They work all the time, huh?”

“Oh, yes.”

“Even when they are cutting yours?” The question was so slick it slid right by me and I did not notice it.

“Especially when they’re cutting mi… What kind of question is that?” I demanded.

“They’ve been cutting your lawn every time they cut mine and I want to know how much you’re paying them?” he asked.

“Paying them?” I questioned. “I don’t pay them, they’re working for you!”

“You’re not paying them?” he asked incredulously.

“Heck no. Why should I pay them when they’re already getting paid?” I asked.

“And if you paid them, they’d know you don’t work for WaterWorld? Right?”

“Right,” I agreed.

“Well, let’s see now,” He began, “These guys getting about $10 an hour and there are three of them, so three times…”

“You do not pay them $10 and hour!” I protested.

“Oh, I don’t mean their hourly rate is $10, but you see, they hide and they’re slackers, so if you figure the time they actually work against the pay for an eight hour period, it will be about $10 or maybe $15 per hour.”

“Well, you can hold me responsible if you aren’t supervising your workers so they are loafing around and…and…”

“And cutting other people lawns on the side?”

“Yeah. So I can’t be help responsible either,” I smiled.

“True, but you, as my ‘accountant’ told them to cut your lawn.”

“Oooo, got me on that one, didn’t you?” I conceded.

“So what do you propose we do to rectify this situation?” he asked.

“Gee, I don’t know. I can’t afford to pay someone for lawn care, that’s why I, uh…I…”

“Resorted to trickery and thievery?”

“Uh, that wouldn’t be my choice of words. No, I prefer “ resorted to creative solutions.” It has a better ring to it.”

“I can imagine,” he said. “What do you do, I mean when you not running some con game. Not a used care salesman, are you?”

“Oh, no, my mother would turn over in her grave. Her first husband was a used car salesman,” I explained.

“Ah, you sell Amway door to door? No? How about snake oil, Elixir of the Gods, burial insurance, a Watkins Route Sales…”

“No, actually I do accounting for a major corporation, and I also have a small electrical repair business on the side,” I said.

“Little shade-tree electrical work, huh?” he said sarcastically.

“No, I am licensed, certified. Got all the papers with the right signatures and seals,” I assured him.

“No forgeries? I tell you what. How ‘bout you doing some electrical work around my house? I would like to put some lights on the eaves of my house and in the back. I’ll buy the materials and you do the work. Maybe I could just keep you on retainer so that when I have an electrical problem, you take care of it and I’ll even let the boys continue to cut your grass. Deal?”

It was a deal made in heaven for me. I agreed quickly and was grateful to be off the hook. Since he was not married at the time, I even invited him over for dinner that night. Linda, my wife, had a roast in the oven and there would be plenty.

That was three years ago when we struck the deal and I continue to take care of his electrical needs, however, on the other hand, the water park went into bankruptcy the next winter and he no longer works for them. He now runs a business out of his house. I wired all the new outlets and switches for his equipment and continue to maintain it for him. I will always wonder if he knew the water park was going under when he make the deal with me?