Monster Training

Monster Training
By
Steve Van Bakel

          I should've listened to my mother! But no, like every other youngster, I thought my way was the best way and I wasn't going to be bossed around by my mother. Actually, I picked up this attitude quite young and quickly taught myself the valuable art of drowning her voice out. Now this may seem like a trivial feat, but that's only because you don't know my mother. She has this high pitched, gut-wrenching squeal she uses when she wants to get your attention, which is pretty much every time she decides to speak. Her voice has the incredible ability of scaring kids so badly that they instantly wet their pants. In fact, she's even able to frighten most of us monsters.
          Yup! If I'd listened to her I wouldn't be stuck here tending to every whim of my little brother who is becoming more and more demanding.
          "I'm bored, bring me a dust bunny to play with," the little brat demanded early this evening.
          "Now I'm cold can you find me another sock to cover me? And for heaven's sakes try to find a clean one. This kid has the worst stinky feet I've ever smelt," he said to me, as if at one year of age he had a whole lot to compare to.
          Anyway, this all started a few days ago when mother woke me from a peaceful sleep. "Eeek!" She screeched. "It's about time you take on some responsibilities around here."
          "But Ma," I said. "I work hard every night scaring the kids of this neighbourhood. What else do you want me to do?"
          "Eeek, I think it's time you take your little brother Ike out and teach him the skill of monstering."
          "Ah Ma!" I moaned using my whiniest voice. This was one trick I had learned to get out of doing some of mother's menial tasks.
          "I want you to teach him the three most important rules of being a monster. One..."
          "Yeah! Yeah! I know! One, never go out before dark and always be home before the sun rises. Two, always leave before the adults show up. And three, know your limits as to who you can or cannot scare," I said in a saucy voice.
          "Don't use that tone with me you ungrateful creature."
          "But I've told him all the rules before. Besides, tonight I have way too many plans to worry about dragging that little puke around with me."
          "This is not a request," mother hollered, letting me know that I wasn't to push her too much on this issue. "Besides, telling him and showing him are two different things. I'm sure you can still remember the first time you learned the limits of your scariness."
          "Must you always bring that up? I've told you a gazillion times, that kid just got in a lucky shot with a book that was lying on the bed."
          "Had he gotten any luckier he would have taken your head right off instead of just leaving that scar," she said pointing to the scar as if I'd forgotten where it was.
          "Okaaay fine! But just for tonight, and that's it," I said as I stormed back to my shoe box.
          "And be nice to him, or I'll feed you to the cat the next time he comes prowling through the closet."
          And that's how the whole miserable night started.
          Ike was all gung-ho and ready to scare every human he found, but I did my job, sat him down, and explained to him the three rules of being a monster. He listened intently, and when I was done he jumped up exclaiming he was ready to put this new found knowledge to use. Of course, being the experienced monster that I am, I decided to try him out on some easier subjects at first.
          When the time was right I took him to the closet door where we waited to hear the familiar bedtime routine.
          "Can you read me this story?" we heard the kid ask. That meant that we had about twenty minutes to hang out and wait, so I hopped into the laundry basket and stretched out for a little nap.
          "Wake me when the story is done," I said to Ike.
          "Don't you want to hear it," he asked surprised. "It sounds real cool! It's about a cat and a hat, or something like that."
          "I've heard it a million times. Wake me when it's over, and whatever you do, don't make any noise until I say it's okay. Got me?"
          "Sure thing, Eeek"
          I must have dosed off pretty good because I was startled when Ike began shaking me.
          "Shhhh!" Ike whispered. "The story is done but the big person is still in the room."
          "Okay, then we just have to wait until it's safe."
          A few minutes later the lights under the door went out and Ike eagerly asked, "Now can we go? Huh, can we?"
          "What an amateur," I said making out like I was some kind of expert. "The bedtime ritual isn't done yet."
          Then as if on cue the light outside the closet came on again and we heard the kid holler, "Mooommmm! Can I have a drink of water?"
          "Only half a glass now," the voice of the big person said. "We don't want you wetting the bed tonight."
          Once again the lights went out and I informed Ike that we still had to wait a few more minutes to make sure that there was no more last minute requests from the kid. It remained silent so I grabbed two of my eyeballs, stretched them out, and slid them under the door to confirmed the coast was clear.
          "I love when you do that Eeek," Ike whispered. "I can't wait till my other eyes grow in so that I can do that too."
          "The kid's snoring away," I told Ike. "He'll be a perfect subject to break you into the wonderful world of monstering."
          I sucked in my breath until my body was flat enough to slip under the closet door and told Ike to follow. I should have known we were in for a bad night when he didn't even make it under the door before getting himself in trouble.
          "Okay, this is what I want you to do," I started to say to Ike before I realized he wasn't behind me anymore. I turned and saw him stuck with half his body under the door. "You idiot, you're not supposed to let your breath out until all your legs are out from under the door. Now suck it in again and pull yourself through," I said, no longer trying to hide the frustration in my voice.
          He managed to get himself through on the second attempt but I could see all three of his legs were wobbly, and he was looking pretty unsteady for a few seconds. Once he regained his sense of balance we headed over to the side of the kid's bed.
          "What do we do now," Ike asked with excitement. "Should I bite his fingers?"
          "Don't be a fool, you don't want to leave any marks to make the big people suspicious. Here's what I want you to do," I said as we huddled together. "First, hop up on the bed and start pulling at the kid's stuffed animal. Be real gentle at first, but then start pulling harder until he wakes up. As soon as he opens his eyes I want you to scream and make your best scary face."
          "I can do that!" Ike said
          "Now here's the important part. You must always ensure that you remain far enough away that the kid can't reach you with his hands. Or any other object," I added fingering the scar on my head. "He may only be a kid but he's still bigger than you, and if in a frightened state he swings out at you, he'll send you flying."
          "Okay, got it. I'm ready to go," Ike said as he turned and headed for the bed.
          "No, you're not," I said as I pulled him off the covers. "You also have to make sure you have an escape route, because shortly after the kid starts screaming, the big people will come rushing into the room. We have to make sure we make it into the closet and find a good hiding spot before they arrive. Oh, and this time don't be an idiot and make sure you're all the way under the door before you let your breath out."
          "Ma said you have to be nice to me!" Ike started to pout. "So I made a mistake, no big deal."
          "Maybe not this time, but if the big people come into the room and see your ugly green legs hanging out, we could all be in for a world of hurt."
          "You're scaring me," Ike whined
          "That's good because this is the real thing this time, there's no room for screw ups."
          "Okay I'm ready."
          Ike crawled up the covers, checked to ensure that he had an escape route and that he was out of the kid's reach, and then looked down giving me the thumbs up. I returned the thumbs up to let him know he was doing good. He then gently pulled on the kid's stuffed toy. He tried it harder and harder but the kid didn't wake up, so he looked down at me for advice.
          "Give it one good yank," I said.
          Well, what happened next shocked all of us. The kid woke screaming, Ike was startled at first but then he remembered his training and made his best scary face and screamed back at the kid. I have to admit I was impressed with Ike's abilities. He just may take after his good old brother.
          Ike bolted off the bed and together we ran for the closet. This time Ike had it down pat, he took a deep breath and slid under the closet door without even slowing down.
          "Now find a good hiding spot, and stop that giggling," I told Ike.
          "That was fun," he said as he unsuccessfully tried to hold back the giggles.
          "It won't be much fun if we get caught, now shut up!"
          "What's wrong, Honey?" we heard a big person's voice ask just outside the closet door.
          "Monsters!" the child screamed.
          "Oh Honey, I've told you there's no such thing as monsters."
          "But I saw them run into the closet," the child said between weeps.
          Just then the closet door flew open we had just enough time to jump into a pile of laundry.
          "See honey, there's no monsters in here." Just then I heard Ike let out a little giggle and I thought for sure our cover would be blown and I prepared myself for a mad dash to safety.
          "Now why don't you try and go back to sleep?"
          The child fussed for a while but the big person stayed with the child for a while and eventually he fell back to sleep.
          "Okay the coast is clear, you can come out now, Mr. Giggle Puss."
          "That was so much fun, Eeek!" Ike said beaming with excitement. "Can we do it again? Can we, huh, can we?"
          "Yeah you did good kid," I said showing some of my big brother pride. "But for heaven sakes you've got to stop giggling, you almost got us caught."
          "Sorry, Eeek. I'll do better next time."
          "Okay we can do it one more time but after that the big people will probably take the kid to their bed so he won't keep waking them up."
          "So should I do the same thing?" Ike asked as we stood beside the kid's bed again.
          "Come on, use a little imagination. Doing the same thing over and over again gets boring."
          "Okay, I've got it!" Ike proclaimed. "Are you ready?"
          "Yeah, yeah, just get going,"
          The child had rolled over onto his stomach and now one of his hands hung over the side of the bed. I watched as Ike sauntered over to the hand, acting as if he was an old pro already. Ike stood under the hand and then, with a saliva soaked tongue, he stared licking the kid's fingers. This was a trick I'd never really thought of myself, but just the thought of all that saliva was grossing me out.
          The kid woke screaming again, and as he looked over the side of the bed Ike let him have another scary face with tongue and teeth hanging out. Ike was so caught up in scaring the kid he forgot all about the fact that the big people would be coming any second. I ran up and grabbed his arm and started pulling him towards the closet, but it was too late. The bedroom door was already opening, we had no choice but to divert to a hiding spot under the bed.
          This was a little too close for comfort, the big person's feet were just inches away from us. We were both frozen still and didn't breath a sigh of relief until we saw two sets of feet heading for the door, one large pair of feet and the child's smaller ones. "Why don't you come sleep with Mommy," the big person said as they exited the room."
          "That was too close," I said as I turned to Ike. I noticed he was preoccupied with something so I said, "Ike, now what are you doing?"
          "I found this box of candies under the bed." Ike said with a full mouth. "I just had to try some."
          "Those are Smarties, and don't eat them all."
          "Why? You want some?" Ike asked extending the box.
          "No. I just think it's fun to lick a whole bunch of them and put them back into the box. When the kid finds them he'll start eating them not knowing that they are covered in monster slime."
          "Good idea Eeek, you're so smart."
          Ike licked the last bunch of Smarties and slid them back into the box. "Now what do we do?" he asked.
          "Well, not much more we can do here tonight so lets head next door. The kid there is older and she can be a pretty tough case," I said.
          "Oh please let me try," Ike begged.
          "Okay but listen close, this is not going to be easy, in fact if you're not careful it could be down right dangerous. This kid is almost big enough to be a big person but with a bit of work I can still scare her. Plus, because she wants to prove that she's almost a big person, she's not likely to just sit there crying for a big person to come and help her. She'll try to solve the problem herself and since she's getting so big, she'll really hurt you if she gets a hold of you."
          "I'll be careful, I promise," Ike said.
          "Okay, follow me and stay alert," I said as we slipped into the next house.
          When we entered the girls room I led Ike to what I thought was a safe spot under her bed. "Okay, this time I want you to watch me in action, next time you'll be on your own."
          "Okay, Eeek. What are you going to do?"
          "She won't be afraid of scary faces so what I'll do is make noises around the room, but never let her see me. Then I'll do this scary ghost voice like this," I said as I demonstrated my techniques. "Aaaaarrrgh! AAAArrrrgh!"
          "Oh that's good Eeek. If I didn't know that was you I would have been pretty scared too." "Okay, you stay here and pay attention," I told Ike.
          "Hey Eeek, there are some Smarties hanging here, can I eat some?"
          "Sure, sure," I said but I was too deep into planning my attack to look back.
          My plans were all set and I was just turning to let Ike know that I was about to leave when I saw the most terrifying sight. Ike was standing on his toes, with his mouth open wide and his teeth bared, he was preparing to bite into what he thought were some Smarties hanging over the side of the bed.
          "Those aren't Smarties..." I started to yell. But it was too late, Ike was already biting down on the girl's painted toenails.
          What happened next happened so fast it is all pretty much a blur. Just as Ike bit down, the girl screamed and the she kicked out with her foot sending Ike flying across the room. His body stopped it's flight when he hit the dresser with a thud. He slid down the dresser and ended up in a heap on the floor.
          This was no time to panic. I raced across the floor, grabbed Ike by an arm that didn't look too injured and dragged him to the closet.
          "Okay, suck it in quick," I yelled to him just before sliding under the door. He must have been conscious enough to know what I was talking about because he came sliding under the door right behind me.
          The lights went on and a short time later we heard a big person's voice in the room. "What's going on honey?"
          "Something bit my toe?" she cried.
          "What was it?"
          "I don't know, but I think I flung it across the room," she said. "Look, there are a couple of teeth marks on my toe."
          "It was probably a mouse or something, dear. I'll go get your father and see if he can find it."
          I knew Ike was hurt bad, but at that point there was nothing I could do for him. I had to get both of us hidden before we were discovered. I had just gotten Ike buried in some dirty socks when the door opened and a big person came in and switched on the light. As a last resort I slid into the pocket of the girl's housecoat that was lying on the floor.
          The big person made a point of making a lot of noise as he searched the closet. The housecoat I was hiding in was picked up momentarily but luckily it was placed back on the floor before I was discovered. From where I was I couldn't see Ike's hiding spot, so I just had to wait silently and hope that Ike remained silent and wasn't discovered.
          "Whatever it was you must have scared it off pretty good because I can't seeing anything," the big person said. "I'll set up some mouse traps in the morning." With that said the lights in the closet were turned off and the closet door was closed. After peaking from my hiding spot and ensuring it was safe to come out, I rushed over to where I'd buried Ike. I heard a soft moan as I pulled some socks off his mangled body.
          "It's okay buddy, it's just me," I said trying to comfort my little brother.
          "I'm sorry Eeek! I thought they were Smarties."
          "Don't worry, we all learn our lessons somehow," I said fingering the scar on my head again.
          "I don't know if I'll be able to make it home, Eeek," Ike said with fear in his voice.
          "I forgot to tell you about rule number four," I said.
          "I thought there were only three, Eeek."
          "Rule number four of monstering is, a monster is never left behind, no matter what happens to him."
          "I like that rule," Ike said with as much of a smile as he could manage.
          I searched through the closet for something I could use to get Ike home, but there wasn't much to choose from. I finally found a piece of clothing that was shaped like a couple of cups with some straps attached to it. I layed Ike out in the cups and then used the straps to wrap around my shoulders. It was a chore but I hauled Ike all the way home and back up to our closet. The whole way home I fretted about what my mother would say once I returned with the wounded Ike.
          "I told you to look after him!" she'd say. Or, "What were you thinking, you know the older kids can be dangerous. Why would you take him there on his first night out!"
          Sure enough, mother said all those things, and a whole lot more that I probably shouldn't repeat. After lecturing me, mother sent me to find Dr. Goo and Nurse Boo who would look after Ike's injuries. I found Dr. Goo near a cat, I'm not sure what he was doing but he had one of those big scalpels in his hand, "Dr. Goo you have to come fast, my little brother has been hurt real bad."
          "This is you're lucky day, cat," Dr. Goo said as he released the animal.
          "I'll grab my bag, you go get Nurse Boo, she's over at the doghouse tormenting the dog."
          Dr. Goo and Nurse Boo spent the rest of the night putting Ike back together again. "He'll be fine," Dr. Goo said when he was done. "But with three broken legs he's going to be laid up for at least a few weeks. He'll have to remain in bed until the casts come off."
          "Thank you, Dr, Goo and Nurse Boo," mother said. "And I have just the perfect monster to look after his younger brother until he gets better."
          "Aaaaaaah, mother," I whined. But the look on her face told me no amount of whining was going to get me out of this chore.
          That was almost a week ago now and I still spend every night looking after Ike instead of being out there having fun scaring kids.
          "Eeek, can you freshen my water for me?" Ike whimpered.
          Here we go again! Well I guess I have to go now but before I do let me leave you with this piece of advice. The next time your mother tells you to do something, I thinks it would be best to listen to her. If I'd followed that advice, it would have saved me all this agony.

The End