Gee, Mom

So mummy,

You miss me now? Wish I was there to comfort you? Think you could be braver this time, love me the way I deserve? It’s easy to imagine when the reality’s gone. What should I say, mommy dearest, that you did the right thing? What’s the worst that would have happened to you? You’d have been a disappointment, given up school, blah blah blah, sorry I don’t care. You see Mum, lovely Mum, there to protect me, my penalty was death.

Did I ask to be conceived in stupidity, by people who knew no better? All I needed was love, Mum. Too much to ask, and yet now you cry and say you want me back.

Imagine me in a lonely corner weeping for you? At least here I can’t feel you crying, and know I caused your tears. Wonder what I’ve done wrong – is it because I made you throw up? Did you imagine I would disappear and ‘end of story, never happened’?

Tough.

Why did we have that talk, Mom? You know, the one in the bath. Yeah, I heard. Promises you said, told me about Dad. Did you know then that I was never going to see you? You were supposed to protect me, love me, I liked to feel you laugh.
Just always remember Mom, that your pain was nothing. Look out your window, look into my Dad’s eyes. You’ll have other babies, but I’ll never have a mom.

You think that’s fair, to punish me for what’s your fault? No? That’s why I’m here mom, and you’re not planning my arrival. And on a Tuesday you think of me and count the weeks since I died, and you get upset.

Should I feel sorry for you? I think not. I’m too busy feeling sorry for myself, because I’m here alone and done nothing wrong. You any idea how screwed up that makes you? To be punished, why?