Random One Act

Opening shot on a party in progress. Two guys are standing back away from the crowd spectating and carrying on a lively conversation.

Guy 1: Ya see the key to picking up at one of these things is to move in and make a big impression. You know jump in light the cigarette get out. Try not to say much or better yet don't say anything this will add to your overall mystery.

Guy 2: This...sounds like bullshit.

Guy 1: No way, this is documented shit. Ok...ok do you see that girl over there in the skirt? (He nods at a very desirable girl standing on the outside of a conversation circle).

Guy 2: Uh, yea.

Guy 1: Well a while ago I heard her over by the bathroom asking around for a tampon so I procured her one.

Guy 2: This is your big impression? Walking up to a strange girl at a party and handing her a tampon?

Guy 1: Yea that's one way of putting it, another would be that I came to her rescue. The ladies dig the 'I'm the damsel rescue me' thing.

Guy 2: Let me get this straight...you followed around some girl at a party and listened in on her, I'm sure, very private conversation and then without any explanation walked up to her and just handed her a tampon. Yea I'm surprised she hasn't dragged you into a closet yet.

Guy 1: I didn't just 'hand' it to her that would be lame. I pretended to pull it out of her ear.

Guy 2: (Starts to laugh hard enough to shoot beer out of his nose but never gets the chance. His partner grabs him by the elbow and motions toward the door)

Guy 1: Hey, hey straighten up she’s looking over here…

Guy 2: Aaahh…she finally noticed me.

Guy 1: I told you it works.

The girl sees them both standing and starts walking over to them.

Guy 1: (looking a little panicked) All right, confession, I’ve got nothing to say to her…

Guy 2: Then why go through all of that tampon crap if you didn’t want to talk to her.

Guy 1: I didn’t say, "I didn’t want to talk to her". I said, "I’ve got nothing to say to her". Instead of just standing their passing judgment on my shallow character give me a line.

Guy 2: Let’s see…you gave her a tampon…so something post uncomfortable silence. (Pauses for a second) That’s a tough one sorry man you are on your own.

At this point the girl has come within earshot.

Girl: (With her hand extended). Hi, I don’t believe we’ve formally met my name is Carolyn.

Guy 1 looks a little flustered so Guy 2 steps up

Guy 2: Hello Carolyn I’m James and the aspiring magician is Tom.

Carolyn: Well James, Tom what brings you both to a place like this? Looking for a piece of ass?

Guy 1: (finding his voice finally). No…no never just trying to meet new people you know network a little.

Carolyn: Hmmm…that’s too bad I’m here for the ass myself.

Guy 2: Really? Even though you are…? (Stops himself before he says it).

Carolyn: On my period? (she says while glancing at guy 1 and smiling)

Guy 2: Well…yea.

Guy 1 looks horrified

Carolyn: (Pats Guy 1 on the shoulder reassuringly)Did you fellas think that when a woman has her period she shuts herself in her room and doesn’t come out for a week? Actually our sex drive goes off the chart it’s just that you guys are too squeamish.

Guy 2: Really…? Not me.

Guy 1: (Butting in) Um…I’m sorry if I was a little too forward earlier, you know with the tampon thing and all…

Carolyn: Actually I thought it was fucking hilarious my girlfriend shot beer out of her nose when I told her about it. We had decided that we were going to come talk to you both earlier but we couldn’t iron out the mechanics of pulling drinks out of your asses.

Guy 2 starts to choke on his beer once again.

Guy 1: That’d been a good one.

Carolyn: Well here’s the deal boys my girlfriend and I are ready to get out of here and we’d like the two of you to join us. We are heading over to Leo’s; you know where that is?

Guy 2: 85th and Washington right?

Carolyn: Sure. We have to make a stop first so how about meeting us there in an hour?

Guy 1: Sounds great.

Guy 2: Yea.

Carolyn: All right gentlemen, I'll see you soon. (Blows them both a kiss and starts walking toward the exit).

Guy 1: I wonder what they are stopping for?

Guy 2: (Giggling) Hmm that’s a tough one Tom…

Guy 1: Uh, she's mine by the way.

Guy 2: Well that remains to be seen there buddy...

Guy 1: (Interrupting). Woh, will you look who just sauntered in?

Guy 2: Who?

Guy 1: Bob Ralpheson

Guy 2: The director? Never met him. (Guy 1 shoots him a dirty look) No really who is he?

Guy 1: Well my friend let us take a ride in the Way Back machine to 1994. I was in college at the time and dating Rachael...

Guy 2: The nympho?

Guy 1: They're all nymphos in college, anyway I had that internship at Heathridge and Huxtable along with 'ol Bobby over there. After college I was a shoo-in for a permanent position with their firm when Bobby started some brew-ha-ha about me being an unethical employee...

Guy 2: This the sex with the boss's secretary story again?

Guy 1: No, why would that be unethical? He was sleeping with her to. Stay focused here (proceeds were he left off) To make a long story short he got me fired and then Rachael dumped me for him.

Guy 2: That's the guy Rachael left you for?

Guy 1: Well to put it in her eloquent way, "Life imitates work and you can't spend your life at a dead end job".

Guy 2: What is that? What's that supposed to mean?

Guy 1: Got me?

At this time Bob has spotted them and is swaggering their way.

Guy 1: Fuck, he saw me...

Bob walks up to Guy 1 smiling.

Bob: So (guy 1) funny bumping into you at an upscale party, what are you working here or just bumming around for spare change?

Guy 1: That's a good one Bob what'd it take you three years, give or take? Do it again, this time...a little more Humphrey Bogart and a lot less Ralph Macchio.

Bob: Rachael always said you were an idiot.

Guy 1: How is she by the way, does she miss my girth?

Bob: (sarcastically) Oh, funny.

Guy 2: (chuckling) No Bob, It was 'damned' funny.

Guy 1: Well Bob I have other things going on right now so I'm going to have to ask you to piss off now. You be sure and tell Rachael that I said "hi" and go ahead and give her a good shag in the ass for me, would ya? Bye Bob.

Guy 1 pats Bob on the shoulder as he and Guy 2 head toward the exit.