Cammy

Have you ever been through something that just steals the breath from you? I mean literally just takes that incredible substance that keeps you alive and keeps it dangling right in front of you. You see it dangling, suspended in the air and when you snatch it back you may feel the same after a few moments, but in reality you aren't the same because you just went through a terrible 10 seconds where there was a chance you wouldn't be the same. That's having your life truly altered. There are tons of incidents where people have been through hell and they are never the same. They lose family member, the loves of their lives and from that experience they either become great individuals or they end up dead from the horror of the loss. The story I'm going to tell you has nothing to do with that of loss. Those are people who are ten times better than I am, they deserve tons of love and support for that they went through. Me .. well I don't exactly know what I deserve, but what I believe I got was pure perfection snatched out of my hands. A glorious 5 seconds of forgetfulness that was snatched back. This isn’t a story about a person who’s overcome so many things and is now the best. It’s just about a girl, one who imagines the world, but doesn’t know how to get it.

I was born to parents who had parents who were incredibly strict. Because of they believed that it would be better if they raised me differently. My father only stayed with my mother long enough to make sure we weren’t suffering, then he decided we were emotionally too much, so he went off to do whatever he does. In all my years I have no clue what he does for a living, even if I’ve seen him every summer since he left. My mom is the opposite of my dad, the nurturing, caring mother. Sometimes i would want her to tell me to do something, anything, but she always had that look on her face that said “ Cammy, use your judgment. I know you’re different.” I End up doing what’s right because, hell, I didn’t want to disappoint her. I’ve never seen her disappointed because I've always done the right thing, but I still dreaded it. She didn’t really have high expectations with me, I mean she did, but when I asked her if I should do this or if I should do that, she would always say “Whatever makes you happy. I know you can do anything.” I know that seems like the perfect mom, but in a way it always seemed like she didn’t care. Then there’s my Dad, who thinks that as long as I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, I was the happiest girl alive. Even if I told the guy that I had all F’s, he would always ask me “Do you have food in your mouth? Clothes on your back? then you’re ok kid.” I would never bring home any F’s though, that would disappoint him I know. He would sigh over the phone and say “ I know you’re not F material.” and just continue the conversation. I know all of my friends say that i have the coolest parents on earth, but I don’t. I know they love me and I love them, but they made it so that I had ten times more expectations then they had for me, so if I failed, I would be devastated but they would think it was ok. I couldn’t deal with that, them just telling me not to cry, it’s not the end of the world. To me it was. They always tell me that there are people out there who have suffered far more than I ever did, but I tell them I’m still suffering. They tell me to prove those people wrong, and all I can say is that what was wrong with me in the first place? Failure to me and failure to my parents are two totally different things that neither one of us will ever decide on. How can I tell them that even though I try my best, the world is closing in on me and I’m just tired of trying my best. My best was good enough for them for a brief moment, but then it started to not be good enough and i couldn’t take it. That’s what led to the supposed suicide.
Well I go up on this ledge in an abandoned bridge in a city of hopelessness. It never gives me hope, but when I look down on a street no one walks on anymore, a street that hadn’t seen any wheels in at least five years, for once I can feel like ... I dunno, it’s this indescribable feeling of omnipotence. I felt like I was on top of the world and that if I just jumped, the ground would hold me safe in it’s arms and never let me go. I could just forget about everything I've heard and said and done. I could escape the pedestal I held myself up on. But they were always passing thoughts, nothing that I would act on, but that day I felt like I should, like it would be my savior. So I jumped and the weightlessness was like heaven. Just flying through the sky, not stopping never holding on. I had almost reached the ground when I landed on something soft and for that one second I felt incredible. Mentally I knew it wasn’t possible, because hell I may be crazy, but i am smart.