|The Serpent and the Peach
The real story of the original sin.
The English Version
In the Beginning...
God formed the world, and the light, and the firmament, and the stars, and the fishes and fowls, and the beasts and reptiles, and then Man, naturally well endowed.
And God gave man many things to keep him busy, and thus happy, for man tends to do bad things when bored, god should know, he made us like him. And God created a garden with every type of tree in the world, and two peach trees. And he placed the peach trees on a hill, and told Adam "One of these peach trees is the tree of life, and should you eat of it you shall live forever, and you shall gain great pleasure. The other is the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Do not eat of this tree for if you do you shall surely die that day." And Adam said "But which is which?"
God brought every beast and bird before Adam, and whatsoever Adam called them, they were named. Thus the Otter and the Mongoose and the Ostrich gained the names they have. And God became amused, and began finding stranger animals, thus the Porpoise, and the Kangaroo, and the Lemur, and the Deer Rat. And finally, God brought forth the Platypus, and God and Adam laughed for hours. God noticed that Adam had a look of frustration. And God asked "Adam, what is your problem man, you look uptight?" And Adam replied "You made two of every beast and bird, every fish, reptile, and frog. But you only made one of me, and I have had a huge hard-on for my entire existence, and I tell you, sheep just don't help."
God made man sleep, and took a rib from him, and set out to create something that man would enjoy fucking with. And god formed a being like man, but smaller, rounder, softer, lusher. And with a hole perfectly designed for Adam's problem. She was 36-32-36, with blonde hair, blue eyes, firm breasts, and a mouth like a vacuum. Adam awoke, as did Eve, and God asked of Adam "What shall she be called?" Adam replied "I don't know, amazing, I mean, gosh, wow, you do good work." At this point Eve began to look at the difference between herself and Adam, and began to touch it, and fondle it, and finally, she backed herself up to him, and he exclaimed "Wooooo, Mannnnn." And God said "Very well, she shall be called Woman. Go forth together, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the face of the earth, and be sure to write."
And Adam and Eve did enjoy the garden, and each other, him on top, her on top, standing up, sitting facing each other, and every other way one could imagine. They did this quite a while, as Adam stayed long and hard throughout, and Eve enjoyed herself multiple times upon the face of the earth. But the serpent upon Adam was still not satisfied. And he thought of the tree of life, and how he still did not know which one was which. And so he stopped. And Eve asked him to continue, and Eve begged him to continue, and finally Adam said "Go to that tree on the hill with me." Eve followed him. "Do you see those two perfect fruits on that tree?" And she saw two ripe lush globes facing her, and she blushed. "If you want to taste my serpent again, eat one of those fruits, then bring the other to me."
"But didn't you say one of those trees was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?" Eve asked.
"Yes, I did," said Adam.
"But didn't you say you die if you eat that fruit?"
"Well, I did, but you are the one who knows what is good to eat, and what is poison. I was just saying that to impress you. Does it look good to eat?"
"Well, yes, but..." Eve began.
"No fruit, no fornication." Adam finished.
So Eve and Adam climbed the hill, to fetch a pair of peaches. But Adam fell and lost his crown, and Eve came tumbling after-oh, sorry, getting ahead of myself. Anyway, Eve ate the peach, and she began to feel quite good, filled with life and joy. And Adam saw this glow, and figured he had guessed right, this was the tree that gave life and pleasure. And he ate of the fruit, and they joined, there beneath the tree, and rutted royally. His hands moved from her breasts to her hair to her hips, her hands stroked his chest and his back and his face. They kissed, they bucked, and Eve felt something shooting through her. My fault, of course. And they tumbled, and rolled down the hill, ending up in a fig tree. And then God wondered in.
"So, Adam, enjoying the ride?" But Adam did not reply. "Adam, yoo hoo, where are you." God impatiently tapped his foot as he watched them at the fig tree. "OK, that's enough, I didn't make sex fun so you would ignore me, I did it so you would have lots of kids." But Adam did not reply. "OK, you got in the tree, didn't you, I knew you'd go in there sooner or later, but you... argh, what bad timing." At this Adam and Eve both gasped, for God had created a very small, very neat, and very very cold rainstorm.
"Now that I have your attention, you ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil! Do you know what this means?"
Adam and Eve did not reply, they were too busy trying to cover their sweaty nude bodies. And at this they realized that they did indeed know that what they had done was wrong.
And then Eve said "It was his serpent" and Adam said "How was I supposed to know which was which" and God said "Don't talk at the same time, I'm Omniscient, but I was out late last night, and I have a headache. Adam, you were created first, you speak first."
"Well, you never told me which was which, If I had known I would have only eaten of the tree of life."
At this God sighed, and a great wind tore through the garden. "Those trees are identical, there is no difference between the one and the other, and neither has any special properties, they are just peach trees. But if you had asked me which one you could eat of, you would have had eternal life as my trusted servant. Instead you ate without asking me, showing that you have a mind of your own. And you know the punishment, enjoy your last day."
"But God, I did ask, you didn't tell me."
"Oh, you're right, it must have slipped my mind, do you think running a whole universe is easy? I don't have time to micro-manage your life. But I guess you may live-just get out, and take that wench with you."
At this point Eve spoke out, "Gaw-od, you said I could speak too."
God looked at her, with semen spilling from her loins, and said, "Sure doll, what is it?"
"Well, it's not my fault, it's the fault of that serpent you put on him, the one that never quits. He said I couldn't have any more sex until I got him a fruit"
God asked Adam, "Is this true?" and Adam mutely nodded his head, if I could have reached him I'd have smacked him. And God looked at me, and I shrank. "Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon the belly shalt thou go, except to spread thy seed, and dirt shalt thou eat for all the days of thy life." After that Adam had to go pee for the first time, and I got to experience exactly what God meant. But he wasn't finished, God gets like this sometimes.
"And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed, between her pleasure and your pleasure, She shall bruise thy head, and thou shall bruise her Hymen." The first part messed with our groove, I'd get hard just seeing her, and shrink before she was ready, I'd spurt too soon, too late, or not at all, and I didn't always satisfy her anymore. The latter I only found out when she got pissed one day and kicked Adam-well, more precisely, kicked me.
"And as for you Eve, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception, in sorrow shalt thou bring forth children, and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and his desires shall rule over thee."
I don't even know why he did that, I mean, that was just cruel-maybe he did it because she interrupted him just when he was in his groove. Eve must have agreed, for she said "That's not fair, he instigated it, and I get the shaft."
God replied "Hey babe, when you sleep with dogs, you get fleas. Now leave this place."