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CIRCUS MONKEYS
Chapter 9 The next day Joshua and I were literally regarded as saviors. It was awesome. I wanted to make myself a cape and run around the grounds looking for innocent animals to help and save, but when I told this ambition to Joshua he didn't seem to think it would work. "For one thing, all the animals are safe, and for another, knowing how graceful you are, you would probably trip and fall on your cape and then I would have to come and save you." He grinning at me, and I stuck out my tongue but I didn't argue with him. He already knew me far too well for comfort. Somehow in those three words spoken at my trailer that day it was decided between us that everything was fine. I think we both came to understand that neither of us understood. Somehow in the whirl of emotions that comes with getting close to anyone new both of us jumped to conclusions...and we didn't want to try and explain ourselves. Eventually, he actually had to go do things instead of stand there and be praised so I decided that I would go back to the trailer. Sure, it was fun telling everyone our story but I felt like just lying back and relaxing. I went to my room and pulled out my old text version of "Pride and Prejudice" - I've never read it all the way through but have slowly been working at it for over four years. I haven't the faintest idea what happened at the beginning but hey, it still gives me something to do. "Lory?" I heard my father's voice on the other side of the trailer calling to me. I looked up from my book, slightly baffled. Why would he be calling to me? I didn't hear the phone ring, I certainly hadn't done anything wrong, and if anyone was there to see me he would just send them in. "Yeah?" I quickly book marked my reading and rolled off my bed, making my way to the bedroom door. "Can I talk to you for a minute? I'm in the living room." One eyebrow shot up as I made my way to where he was. My curiosity was peaked. What in the world would he want to talk about? I hadn't actually spoken to him in what seemed like days. In fact, I felt like I hadn't actually spoken to him since my last birthday. I knew that I didn't talk to my dad as much as I should. I treated him more like a landlord, or even a statue, rather than a father most of the time. It's funny how I could see that and the way our relationship was, but never really tried to do anything to change it. I rarely spoke to him unless it was to give him information or ask him a quick something. But we hadn't socialized, or talked just to talk, in ages. As I entered the living room, I felt my heart rate speed up. I was nervous. He was just sitting on the couch waiting for me. Our little television set wasn't even on and the lamp was on its lowest setting. It was almost as if I could feel the seriousness in the room. "What's up, Dad?" I asked, trying my best to be casual. I sat on the cushion of the couch farthest away from him. He was silent for a moment and then spoke. "I guess I wanted to talk to you about us, as stupid as that may sound." He shrugged at me. "Even though you're right here, I kind of miss you." I felt my blood turn cold, and I shifted in my seat slightly. Wow, I thought, that was not what I expected. I never knew my dad to be such a blunt, straight-forward guy. Then again, I didn't know him to be reserved. Ok, so I just didn't know him at all. As off guard as he caught me, I managed to come up with a reply. "I think I know what you mean." "I know that this summer has been more than hard for you, with all the changes and everything. Not only do you have to deal with the loss of your Aunt, but also leaving all your friends. Then you had to come here and with a man you hardly know. I can't even imagine me in your place." He sighed and managed to look me in the eye. "I think I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry about all the bad things I have put you through." Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt flow through my body. "I really don't feel like my entire life is ruined now." The look on his face said that he didn't believe me. "Really. I mean, I rarely see my friends over the summer anyway and even though I hated the idea of coming here before, I really don't mind living here anymore." I saw the faint glimmer of a smile on his face but it was tinted by the look in his eyes. "You don't have to try and make me feel better, that wasn't the idea of having you talk to me." He paused for a moment. "I guess I just wanted us to actually have a conversation. We haven't really talked since you first arrived here." I had never realized how much we thought alike. I knew what I had to do say. "And that is really my fault. It's not that I didn't want to talk to you, it's just that..." I stopped and thought over my words a bit. "Dad, after never seeing you for my whole life, it was hard to think about actually living with you." I looked down at my hands; I never realized how hard it was to say what was in my heart to someone's face. He was silent for a moment, obviously thinking over what I had said. "You know, that may have been my problem too. Seeing you day after day is definitely a new experience." We smiled gently at each other across the couch. As awkward as the conversation was, I felt like I should also say everything that I could right then and there because an opportunity wouldn't come up again for a long time. "I didn't know you my whole life and I guess I didn't try to change that once I moved in with you. It didn't seem like I needed to know you better just that we were closer." His matching eyes met mine. "Maybe, just maybe. You know, Lory, you could never know how hard that was for me, not seeing you. But I knew you could have a better life with your Aunt than traveling with me. You needed some place stable and I knew I could never live like that with you. I had to make a decision." He put his hand over mine. "I want you to understand I never picked my career over you. I did what I felt would be the best for both of us. I made good money with this job and it's something that always brought me great joy. I knew I could have joy with you but I could never make the kind of money that I needed to support you and I felt like I would lose your mother's memory in the process. "I know now that I didn't make the wrong choice. You were able to live and love your Aunt for the rest of her days. You were able to make friends and have a stable life. Even if you are still bitter with me I can understand, but I do know you love me somewhere deep down." Before I knew it, the tears I had cried so much over my lifetime, mostly during this summer, were flowing again and I was wrapped in my father's arms. "I don't hate you dad, I really don't." I felt his lips on the top of my head and his hand smoothing my hair. "You just don't know me." I pulled away a bit to look at him; his eyes were filled with sorrow. "Yeah, but we can change that." His lips lifted slightly at the corners and I leaned back into him. Things were going to be ok between the two of us, they really were. My heart had been broken and repaired countless times but I couldn't help thinking that this time there was a little bit stronger glue involved. ---- I didn't quite know what to do with myself as the immanent approach of the first performance was looming closer. I could feel the electricity in the air wherever I went and it seemed every day Pam was getting more and more requests for help. I heard some people mentioning that this was the most disorganized they had ever been before the first performance. I honestly couldn't figure out why everyone was panicking so much. After all, if the first performance didn't go so hot, they could always just improve on it. But when I mentioned that to my father late one night he gave me a very serious look. "The circus isn't like a play at school, Lory. If something doesn't go quite right it can ruin everything - in a big way or a small way." I still wasn't convinced. "But can't you just fix what happened before the next performance? What is one mess up?" My father shook his head and closed his eyes. "Mallory, with a show like this, everything is tied together. If one elephant doesn't place his foot exactly right, then the one behind it will be even more off, as with the one behind it and so on. Then, if someone is planning to land exactly on the back of an elephant that is suddenly three feet off target, they could get seriously injured." He looked at me with very serious eyes. "Your mother's death started with a very minor mistake." I didn't answer as I looked into his eyes. Of course, the thought of someone getting hurt had occurred to me but the entire thought of it all being so precise - well I guess I didn't think it would ever be so exact. With the easy-going attitude of the people around me, it never occurred to me that their entire well-being would be based on such specific measurements. All of a sudden, I wanted to do my best to help out. "I'll talk to you later, Dad." I said as I stepping out of the trailer. Quickly, I went over to where Rupert was running yet another exercise with Onny. He gave me the friendly smile as he saw me approach but he didn't stop was he was doing to chat. "I really don't have time to visit, Mallory." He said and I nodded. I wasn't there to waste his time. "Hey, do you need any help with the animals? I know that training is a big job - if you have anything small for me to do I wouldn't mind doing it." I shoved my hands into my pockets and gave him a half smile. This time he stopped what he was doing and wiped his brow. "Mallory, you are going to regret you said that." He said with a grin and I couldn't help chuckling. He didn't know how wrong he was - I was in the mood to do anything I could to help. ----- "Got it all?" Rupert asked before he left me in the room. I nodded, trying to remember the list he just told me. "Yup, I think so." He smiled and nodded before leaving and I quickly looked around, focusing in on the things he had mentioned. I need to feed, and brush the camels. Then I need to make sure they all have water... I continued on with my chores and put my hands on my hips when I finished, slightly amazed. Rupert really trusted me with all these things? I took a deep breath. I certainly hoped I wouldn't screw something up. But then again, he had told me I was a natural. After all, there was a reason I went to him first to see if help was needed. I love the animals. I smiled slightly as I neared the giraffes. I never really realized how much I loved animals until just recently. Maybe it was because the only animals I ever encountered were Todd's old fat cat and Julie's frisky golden retriever. Either way, it was a nice thing to know. Then, without further ado, I set to work getting everything I needed. It was slow work, since I had to move around uncertainly, trying to find the buckets and make sure I wasn't startling the animals. I wasn't that unfamiliar with the beasts to know that I running around and waving my arms about wasn't the best idea. Eventually, I got the hang of it and put food and water where it needed to be. I stepped back from the pens and sighed. I felt like putting a cape around me again it felt so good. I was actually accomplishing something! I wiped away some of the sweat and looked up toward the sun. How did Rupert do this alone everyday? He must be a stronger man than I originally thought. I felt myself give Rupert - and many other circus members - another notch of respect. There was a whole lot more that went on behind the scenes than what the average visitor saw. I dug around and found the brushes, wondering just how I was going to brush a camel. I, of course, started first with Poppy. She was completely comfortable with me and I figured she could be my practice before I attacked the uneasy ones with the bristles. I wasn't long after I started brushing the next camel that Rupert came back to check on me. He seemed impressed by how far I had gotten. "Way to go, I thought you would still be timidly pouring food." I rolled my eyes and flicked my wrist at him, valley girl style. "Psh, it was nothing." He laughed and I couldn't help following the lead. It seemed like sweating under the sun was making me all giggly. "Well, in that case, once you have this done come and see me for one more job, ok?" I nodded and he gave me a wink before leaving the tent. The camels were situated so they had a mini tent where they could get their water, food and shade, and then the pen so they could be observed by the visitors. It was actually a neat little set up, but unfortunately I couldn't enjoy the shade since the camels were all out basking in the run. As I stroked the camel, I felt my heart swell with delight. I was really helping him out! I started working harder, determined to get to that last job before night fell. It was late in the day when every camel had a shiny brushed coat and I took a moment to look over the pride specimens of my handy work. Gosh, I'm good. I thought and beamed. Then, I placed the brushes back where I found them and went to go located Rupert and get my last job. When I found Rupert and informed him of the condition of the camels, he laughed merrily. "That is fantastic! I wasn't sure if you were going to have time to do this last job." "Oh, I made sure that I would. It feels good to finally be moving around - and with purpose!" I said and grinned, with that his grin became even wider. It seemed to have a note of mischief to it but I didn't pay any attention, I was ready to finish up the work. "You are certainly going to love this last one." Bring it on Rupert, I'm ready! "Circus Monkeys -- Chap 10" 
© Copyright 2002 Madame Lunacy! (UN: xena_12 at Writing.Com).
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