Psycho Girlfriend

I hate cats. My girlfriend had seven of them. And they always used to crowd around me when I came home from work and meow in unison. I got this image of the musical "Cats", so I cleared my throat and belted out a chorus of "Touch me! It's so easy to be me!"

My girlfriend would then come out of the kitchen with a disgusted look on her face, holding her nose and waving her other hand in front of her face. What was so wrong? All I wanted to do was sing... is that too much to ask?

"I was just joking around with the cats, dear."

She was still giving me a funny look. "I don't think they deserved to hear that dreadful singing."

Well I shut up at that point, and went upstairs to clean up for dinner, as I had a long day. My boss was getting on my case all day about not being organized. The entire company is disorganized!! Well, as my father always used to say: if you can't take the heat, give it to someone else.

Now I was home and my dominatrix of a girlfriend was telling me to eat dinner. She had to have fish on Tuesdays, so I picked nice tuna out of the freezer, and laid it on the table. She shrieked like I had committed some sin. Then she picked up the fish, and whalloped me over the back of my hand with it.

"Ow!! Why did you do that?"

"You gonna get salmonella germs all over the countertops!" Her eyes were blazing.

"Well, you didn't have to smack my hand with that tuna." I felt like one of those heroes in the movie that gets slapped by the heroine, and then when he least expects it, the darkness crept upon him like roaches in an all-night diner. Grasping my hand, I left the room, thinking about the days when she and I were happy.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, she and I met while vacationing, and we fell in love at first sight. We spent the night in the back seat of my dad's car, which I had borrowed for the weekend. It's fourth and nine, and the bases are loaded. Very loaded. I think it wasn't for that moment she wouldn't have stayed with me as long as she did.

Laying in our bed, I could hear her cursing and then I heard a loud bang of metal downstairs. Was that the wind? No. She was denting up the striped pewter cow that I built for her in shop class in high school. I knew she couldn't destroy that thing.

It was that moment I decided that she wasn't the one for me anymore, so I went back into the kitchen, and told her that we should break up.

"What? You're dumping me? After all the sex I've given you?"

"Yes."

"Well, fine! Be that way, then!" She stormed out, leading her seven cats with her in an angry huff. But where does the striped cow come into play? It wasn't made of pewter at all...it was silver, and I hit it rich after she left, and now she's sorry she mistreated me!!