Complete Nonsense!

Life... It is something elusive yet always around us. But what does life involve? Love, death, family, friends, pop-culture, something, anything, everything and nothing.

What follows is an ever expanding list of my observations on life, comments and commentary on people and events, and just some innane ramblings from my all too wierd mind with - maybe - a few thrown in from some fellow members of this site.

For ease of reference, i will be sub-dividing the musings and observations into some fairly broad categories.

To submit your observations and musings to me (for which you will get full credit) please submit them here "Complete nonsense survey" 

As the number of submissions to the survey, plus the makings of my own kooky mind, are churning out several items to list here, i will be altering the subject headers shortly in an effort to make them more... well... kooky! :)

So... here we go!

CRAP EXCUSES

Some basic rules for making excuses

1 - Just because an excuse is rubbish doesn't mean you shouldnt use it.

2 - Always base an excuse on the truth... unless you are a very good liar.

3 - A good excuse saves on a load of explanation.

4 - You're never to old to learn a new excuse.

5 - A bad excuse is better than nothing.

6 - The better the excuse, the sooner it's over.

7 - All excuses come to those who are late.

8 - There is a time to speak and a time to make excuses.

9 - Always put off today what you can make an excuse for tomorrow.

10 - One good excuse deserves another.

11 - A good excuse is its own reward.

12 - Many excuses make light work

13 - There is no excuse like the first excuse.

14 - A man without an excuse is but half a man.

15 - A woman without an excuse must be comatose.

NEE NAW NEE NAW - Just pull over to the side of the road sir...

1 - I didn't know i was speeding. I must have nodded off.

2 - I usually go much faster than this and ive never been stopped before.

3 - Your headlights were blinding me. I was trying to get away.

4 - My speedometer just broke.

5 - My wife left me last week for a police officer and I thought you were him trying to giver her back. (Dosent work so well for women)

6 - I was speeding to waste petrol.

7 - I wanted to send a message to OPEC that this conutry won't be held to ransom by rising oil prices.

8 - I claim political asylum.

9 - Why were you going that fast?

10 - Have you ever tried to drive a car like this below 80? (Sports cars only... trying to do this in a Lada is a bit of a long shot)

11 - But my dog was driving!

12 - I'm in a hurry officer. Your wife is expecting me.

13 - Yeah. I was speeding toward you as you looked like you could use some help.

14 - The earth is travelling round the sun at over 100,000 miles per hour; Whats an extra 30?

15 - I was getting a bag of cocaine out of the glove compartment when my gun fell off my lap and got stuck between the brake and the accelerator pedals.

16 - I losdt my hamster this morning and i was hoping you would give me a full cavity search.

17 - I thought it was OK to go 10 times over the speed limit?

TRUE CRIME STORIES

Two teenage joyriders in Florida were bailed after stealing their 25th car in 2 years. When thet left the courthouse, the immediately stole number 26 and crashed it less than an hour later. When they were brought back before the judge, their excuse was that they didn't have enough money for the bus fare home.

A death row inmate in Siberia strangled his cellmate, cut out his liver and boiled it in a metal mug. His excuse was that he wanted to avoid execution by pretending to be insane.

In Union, Kentucky, in 1993, two two burglars were arrested after a failed house robbery. After that had ransaked the house, their car wouldn't start. So they want back inside and pleaded with the owner not to call the police. They even offered to put the stolen good back and tidy up. Then they tried, unsuccessfully, to start their car a second time and asked the owner for a jump-start. When the police arrived, their excuse for the robbery was to get money to fix their car.

A frenchman arrested for shooting his wife blamed a TV strike saying 'there was nothing to look at. I was bored.'

In 1987, an Australian was arrested for kicking his mother to death. His excuse:he had been listening to Bob Dylan's music.

In 1992, a sixteen-year-old boy was arrested for armed robbery of a jewellery store.. His excuse: to get enough money to pay off his overdue library books.

THE WORST OF ALL EXCUSES EVER!

This excuse was 'supposedly' based on a real life confession

A couple of years ago in South Africa a man attended a party with his family. He'd had a few drinks, being on holiday as he was, when a friend came running into the room with the man's youngest son in her amrs. He had been found drinking whisty. He grabbed his wife and went to rush him to the hospital to have his stomach pumped.

As he sped down the road, they ran into a police roadblock where they were testing for drink drivers. He knew he was in trouble and didnt even bother to explain to the police officer. He simply blew into the apparatus and it proved him legally drunk.

He told the policeman that he didnt drink and that the machine must be faulty. The police officer didnt believe him, so the man passed it onto his son to have him tested. He was, of course, also proven legally drunk. The police officer couldnt argue the point, and simply closed down the road block and went back to the station without pressing the issue with the man.

IMPOTENCE

For many men, a serious problem, yet always ridiculed in life by many people... and these come from a woman's magazine that lists a number of lines that men have used on their wives/girlfriends.

1 - It doesn't matter, i'm happy just to cuddle.

2 - This is the first time this has happened to me today

3 - I guess its just nature's way of saying 'no hard feelings'

4 - I'm suffering from Ascension Deficit Disorder

5 - I knew i shouldn't have given blood today

6 - I'm sorry, it seems to be set for Hillary, not Monica

7 - I guess my pointer just turned into a setter

8 - I'm turgidly challanged.

9 - I'm saving myself for the match tomorrow

10 - I just spilled a bottle of fabric conditioner down my trousers

11 - I'm sorry, i cant imagine anyone i like right now

IT'S MORE THAN MY JOB'S WORTH

A series of excuses that have cropped up at work (my thanks to my dad for some of these)

1 - We don't know how to do that

2 - It's too late to do that today. Come back tomorrow after 5pm

3 - The person who deals with that is on sabbatical

4 - It isnt cost effective

5 - I'm new

6 - I'm new (said by the same person 7 months later)

7 - I'm not authorized to tell you

8 - Our computer system is (underline as applicable) down / being replaced / being delivered tomorrow

9 - Youve reached the wrong department

10 - We've lost your file - you don't exist

11 - It's tuesday.

A NOTE FROM YOUR MOTHER
A list of real excuses sent to schools across the UK and USA. (Majority of list attributed to Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch, Galveston)

1 - Please excuse James from being absent on June 28, 29, 30, 31 32 and also 33.

2 - Please excuse Robbie from being. It was his father's fault.

3 - Please excuse Jane. She is having trouble with her ovals.

4 - Richard has been away because he has had two teeth taken off his face.

5 - My son is under the doctor and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

6 - Please excuse Joanna from being at school yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

7 - Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

8 - Lee was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in his growing part.

9 - Alison won't be at school a week from Monday. We have to go to her funeral.

10 - My daughter was absent yesterday because she spent the weekend with the Marines and was exhausted.

11 - Please excuse Eloise for being absent. She was sick and i had her shot.

12 - Please excuse Veronica from Jim today. She is administrating.

13 - Victoria could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

14 - Andrew will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

15 - Please excuse Roy from school. He has very loose vowels.

16 - Please excuse Fred from being absent yesterday. He had diarrhoea and his boots leak.

17 - Louis was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

18 - Please excuse Annabel for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the doormat, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

19 - Please excuse Jamie from being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20 - Olivia was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

21 - Maryann was absent for five days because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister wa also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

*****

AS IT IS ON TV OR IN THE MOVIES, SO IT IS IN LIFE

1 - If you crash your car it will always explode.

2 - If you are a teenager, you will die horribly after having sex

3 - All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

*****

LIFE, LOVE, WISOM AND DEATH

1 - How can we complain about life when we have yet to come up with anything better?
dbelfort

2 - Wisdom means being able to look back and realize that you have been quite stupid.
dbelfort

*****

Technology

1 - When someone comes up to a computerized device (namely, an automated express checkout), they will always fail to notice the directions right in front of them. The screen says "touch here to start." They look everywhere but the screen. The slot that takes paper money says "Bills Only" and the coin slot says "No fifty-cent pieces, please." So what do we find? A half-dollar piece wedged into the bill slot
frenchfry

Platitudes and sayings

1 - Saying "Knock on wood," or actually knocking on wood, never helps.
jkelly

2 - How come we never hear about 'gruntled' employees? It's always 'digruntled'.
bloodklotz

Literature
1 - I have also noticed that a good number of the population is afflicted with what I call the "MSTK Syndrome." This syndrome is why we sit through bad movies, watch bad TV shows, and finish those penny dreadfuls on our bookshelves. We are utterly and completely fascinated by the, well, badness of the thing that we can't take our eyes off of it. This is why XXX made any money in the box office, why any soap opera continues for years and years, and why certain authors (who I will not name because I'm sure they can afford big, expensive lawyers who will cream me into baby food) have their own shelves at bookstores
frenchfry

Friends and Family

1 - Life would be unbearable without friends... Someone has to hold your head out of the toilet while you're puking up the last twelve shots of whiskey, so if it wasn't for friends you'd drown.
Meathead Angel of Darkness

2 - Family is nice... They are the people who are almost as close to you as your friends are.
Meathead Angel of Darkness

Men and Women

1 - Women are lifes true mysteries. Well I guess they aren't much of a mystery at that... All you have to do is give them what they want, let them have their way and always say you're wrong and they think you are the greatest guy on Earth.
Meathead Angel of Darkness

Insurance Excuses and Police Reports

The following statements have been collected from actual insurance claims and police reports...

1 - The vehicle i was following stopped unexpectedly at a set of red traffic lights.

2 - I swerved to hit the old man crossing the road to avoid the oncoming car.

3 - I had to change direction several times before i hit the man crossing the road.

4 - The traffic was more stationary than i expected.

5 - The car ahead confused me by using their turning signal.