Choices

She leaned in the doorway, coffee cup cradled in her hands, dim light spilling to the porch from the small lamp behind her. The flannel pajama bottoms and t shirt were for comfort. Most everything she did these days was labeled "for comfort". She dressed for herself now, especially here where she had come to try to make sense of some of her thoughts that seemed constantly random these days.

Boundaries long ago shifted to almost non existent and with that choices were limitless. Some of hers, over the last few years, had not been the best of choices but lessons learned meant that even the mistakes were not really mistakes...only stepping stones to the person she was becoming...

She walked to the porch railing, sat with one foot on the cross beam while she leaned on the support beam to the left of the stairs. Sipping her coffee she looked out over the water.

Shadows cast by a half moon would have bothered her a few years ago. Solitude was her friend but generally she had claimed it in a room above and away from her husband, now ex husband.

The drive to this place was a minor personal victory. No one would realize how much it took for her to drive the distance knowing that at the end of the ride would be more quiet than she was used to even now.

The quiet was necessary. She was making personal choices that might affect others and she needed to weigh her choices in a place that would hold distractions different than those she dealt with in day to day living.

The only demands here would be those she placed on herself. There would be no dogs to tend to at 5AM, no cats crying to be let in after a night on the prowl. No phones to answer and field, no kids to need more than she was finding she had in her in a day.

She was already feeling stronger and it had been less than 24 hours since she had pulled into the little lean-to that used to be where her grandfather's car sat so many years ago.

She had walked down the flagstone path, stopping at the work shed to look in the window and smell the memories of cut wood and sawdust. Walking on she picked a few of the huckleberries that she was never able to find anywhere but here...on to the back door, her hand touched the little plaque that was outside the back door for notes from visitors who had stopped to find no one home.

She had walked around the house and gone to the stand of trees where the swing still hung. Chains squeeked, rusty with neglect. She sat carefully in the wooden chair, very gently she pushed with her feet to feel it move less smoothly than she remembered years ago.

This was more her mother's place than it was her's but growing up she knew it as the one constant of her childhood. No matter where her dad's work took them she always knew that her grandmother was in this house and when they would come back to visit she would always get the attic bed. She would be able to dip into the closets and touch the old flapper dresses, even have a chance to slip into one now and then.

She pulled herself from the swing and walked down the gravel path to the dock, smiling now at the memory of her best friend from that time and how much they loved running around the yard to the beach. They would sit on the dock when the tide was high or walk along the beach at low tide looking for shells, seaglass and agates.

Now she sat on the back porch and saw time slip away to leave her grown and older than her mother was the last time they had come here as a family. That last time she had still gone to find the button boxes she had always loved as a young girl, the button boxes long ago coming to her after her grandmother had passed on.

A tear slipped down her cheek at the memory of the warmth of the house with 3 generations running through it at once. Time had passed so quickly, life had not always gone as she had dreamed it would but sitting here with the beginning of a gentle rain drawing up the smell of cedar chips mixed with dusty paths and cut grass, she relaxed like she had not in a very long time.

She always loved how the smells went in and under her almost like the musk cologne she had worn for so long as an adult. She knew she chose the cologne not so much for the scent as for the effect it had of bringing that feeling of those few seconds of fresh rain falling to earth.

She set the cup on the railing as she came to her feet and stepped down the stairs to feel the wet grass between her toes. The rain, still gentle, slowly saturated her hair and clothes, leaving tiny prisms of water on her glasses. She walked on feeling the moisture seeping in, wetting her skin and she stretched her arms out from her sides. Slowly turning a couple lopsided pirouettes, her head fell back to feel the rivulets of rain run down the sides of her face to her neck, down to mix with those already soaking her t shirt.

She lowered herself to the wet grass, hugged her knees and laid her cheek to rest on one knee, She listened, pointedly picking out the many sounds of rain around her. Echoing drum beats as drops hit the large leaves of bushes along the side of the house, small staccato beats on the gravel path, nearly silent beats in the grass around her. Even though it was dark, in her mind she could see them plop in the river, rings radiating as rain drops hit the water beyond the dock.

There were many people in her life, good people. Few were the "stand by your side, through thick and thin" kinds of people. Long ago she had made her place in many of their lives as a "when you have time for me" kind of person. Mutual acceptance that when there was time they would meet for a while then each would move back into separate circles like those the rain drops made in the water.

She was making decisions now, ones she would like to share with someone who would not be scared away by them. Someone who would not be hurt if she made a choice of her own instead of one he would prefer. Someone to listen while she talked out loud without thinking she needed to be led to an answer.

For over two years she had been very aware of possibilities. Options. Each new piece of information delivered to her as she sat in one of two chairs, the second chair always empty. Each new option weighed in silence in the drive away from the place of delivery, each wait for results solitary and anxious.

On one hand her choices came at great cost to others she would never know in this lifetime, on the other hand advice to go with either choice from those who wished they had been given the same options.

She walked to the dock and hung her feet over the edge into the water knowing that no matter what her decision was others would be affected. Regardless, we are only promised this moment and this moment she sat on the dock and closed her eyes.

In her mind she felt him come behind her. He would lay his hands on her shoulders, give her a quick squeeze then sit, fitting her into the safe haven of his outstretched legs. Hands would come around to massage the top of her thighs then reach to her waist and pull her snug against him. Her hands would cross over his and the rain would find little space to slip between them.

No words need be spoken, his head would lean forward so his cheek rested against her hair....

In time they would walk back to the dim lit log house, arms wrapped around each other's waist. Rain would still be falling but they would only feel the heat of body leaning to body.

He would lead her to the bathroom and, with a towel, gently rub the rain from her hair. He would lift her shirt and slide it up over her head. The dampness would cause the sleeves to come away inside out. He would stand there for a heartbeat and look at the symmetry of two breasts, then look into her eyes. No doubt showing that, as appealing as they were to see, as soft as they were to touch, that if they were no longer there he would still want to be where he stood looking at her.

In the moment he would touch her. In the moment she would close her eyes at the tenderness and in the moment there would be a fire building. In the moment it would be clear that no matter what, some things would never change if the choice of other changes was taken from them.

She opened her eyes to find the rain had stopped and she was calm. She pulled herself to her feet and walked back towards the cabin with a smile.

Yes, coming here was the right thing to do. She reached for her cup and went into the house softly closing the door behind her.......