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CIRCUS MONKEYS
Chapter 12 I didn’t come out of the trailer until the rehearsal had long been over and my dad informed me the cookout had started. If I wanted something to eat I would need to get out there and grab a burger before Jerry got to them. A small rumble in my stomach and knowing exactly what kind of guy Jerry was got me out of the room in a short amount of time. It was a perfect night for the festivities, the warmth of the day lingered on the air and the wind was fresh. The sky was dusted with maroon clouds and I considered grabbed my burger and sitting somewhere out of sight so I could just view the party. I wasn't really in the mood to participate. I walked down to the little cookout spot with my dad and then broke off from him as he stopped to talk. I made a bee line for the burgers and chips, the smell of charcoal and grease wafting to my nose and making my stomach rumble louder. I hadn’t realized just how hungry I was. I was at the end of the buffet table, looking down eagerly at the marvelous selection of meat, about to pick up a particularly juicy one when I heard his voice directly behind me. “Did you watch the rehearsal?” He asked and it occurred to me how I never really noticed how velvety his voice sounded to me. I tried my best not to shake my head in frustration. Why do I have to start falling for him when it’s obvious that he isn’t falling for me? But I didn’t have time to argue with myself as I turned around to face him. “No,” I said directly and he seemed slightly taken aback. I could only guess that was the look my face when he snapped at me earlier. But I wasn’t about to apologize like he did, not even in his half ass attempt. I was mad at him, and just looking at his (incredibly cute) face made me even madder. Probably only because I knew I had no right to be. He looked at me uncomfortably, rubbing the back of his hair. He hesitated for a moment before continuing slowly, as if he knew by asking the question he was going to get in trouble for it. And he was right. "Well, why not?" I pursed my lips. "Why not? Well, I didn't feel quite welcome there. I mean I couldn't even say 'good luck' to you without having my head bit off." He sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets, he had donned a similar pair of jeans from the night before and a thin green sweater that hung on him like it was made for him. I caught the accent of the flecks in his eyes made by his sweater, even in the dim light of the bonfire, but shoved away my mind from it as he started talking. "I said I was -" I cut him off. "Sorry? Yeah, like that sounded really sincere. Oh, and apparently only I could distract you from your little concentration because not even a minute after you practically jumped down my throat you were having a fun hey-day with Tanya." I turned away from him quickly, looking at the burgers with much less purpose. Well, if he didn't know how my heart felt before, he certainly did now. I hadn't meant to say that much, I really wanted to stop after the second sentence, but I just had to get it out. I had to say what I was feeling. Today was supposed to be the day of no holding back. Everything would be decided today and I was still hoping deep down in my heart that it wasn't already decided. Joshua gave a helpless kind of sigh and I turned around again as he looked around. It was obvious he didn't want to continue this conversation that was threatening to explode right in the middle of the party. Or maybe he's just looking for Tanya, I thought with a snarl. It occurred to me I must have had it really bad for that boy. I didn't know a person could think with a snarl. He reached and grabbed my wrist and dragged me off to the side, away from the noise. I reluctantly followed. He stopped right by the animal pens and made a completely frustrated sort of noise. I crossed my arms over my chest. It took me a few moments to recognize the place - it was where we had met in the night. "Jeez, girl, why do you keep running in circles?" He asked, his voice emphasizing defeat. He looked me in the eye. It wasn't expected, I didn't think he would direct a statement directly to me and my actions, but I was quick with a response. "Me? I'm not the one who is fine one day and then totally opposite the next. Or, I'm not the one who it totally over one girl one day and then - I don't know what the next to the other girl! You're off the wall and you're denying it all." Joshua rubbed his eyes. "Mallory, you are exaggerating everything! I haven't been doing anything different! Don't you realize you're describing yourself?" He let out a long breath, trying his best to keep his voice steady. "Listen, I am sincerely sorry that I snapped at you today, I really am. I was just preparing myself and...well you know I was nervous." "Ok, that's fine I believe you. And I am not - " "Lory, then why are you mad?" He cut me off! I couldn't believe he cut me off! I flung my hands up. "I'm mad because you've lied to me! You said that you had nothing with Tanya, and you've...done other stuff to make me think that you have nothing with her..." I stumbled through the sentence, trying to avoid and bring up the night before at the same time. This time it was his turn to throw his hands in the air. "I haven't lied!" He yelled then looked around, lowering his voice. "I've told you the truth. There is nothing between us." "So how come you don't care if she breaks your concentration. If it more important when she tells you good luck or something? Why...well why when she is around you turn to her instead of me?" The argument was getting a bit more personal than I had intended but I wasn't about to stop it now. I don't think I could if I wanted to. With every sentence that was said, all I could think about was the fight we had in his trailer and how it was never resolved. This was starting to sound more and more like that one, only reversed. "Ugh, why do you have to be so high maintenance?!" He asked and all I could do was laugh. But it was one of those completely annoying, loud, and just totally sarcastic laughs. "Oooh, ho ho - so now I'm high maintenance? Well, I wouldn't have to be so out here like this and we wouldn't have to argue so much if you just told me the frigging truth and got it over with!" "I haven't lied! All I've done is be your friend and talk to you and things. Why am I suddenly going behind your back and everything - or so you claim?" He was getting seriously boiled now, I could tell. "Oh, sure! You've been a real friend, in the day time! But then as soon as night falls you lead me on and down all these other paths like I'm some sort of puppy dog!" "What are you TALKING about?!" He looked at me like I was crazy. Ok, maybe I got a little heavy with the metaphors, but I wasn't about to explain to him about it. I wasn't about to dump out my heart at his feet. "I'm talking about how you pretend you're not interested in Tanya!" I walked around, practically pacing and talking to myself but still yelling to him. "If you want something to happen between you and Tanya - or if something was already happening between you two before I waltzed right in here then why don't you just say so?!" "Mallory, for the last time, there is nothing - there was nothing! We're friends, plain and simple! And why do you even care so much?!" I remembered back to the last fight we had, where that had been my line. He had stuttered then but I didn't. This time there was a reason. "I care because of yesterday, and because I thought that you would! I mean...with what almost happened and everything I thought that..." I was about to trail off my voice getting quieter with ever syllable, but he jumped in, not letting there be a silence. But after he said it I wish that there would have been silence. It wouldn't have hurt as much. "What almost happened?" I stared at him. Was he serious? Looking into his eyes he looked blank, but then again, we were a bit away from each other. All I could manage was a breathy "What?" "What almost happened?" He repeated. I couldn't tell if the question was one where he didn't know the answer, or if he simply wanted me to say it aloud. But I wasn't about to do it. With my imagination, it could have all been fake or...something. I just couldn't believe he was being dense about it. I waited a few moments, maybe he would break in, say he was sorry, but he was quiet. Finally I just stopped and lowered my voice to almost a whisper. "Wow. I...I can't believe - wow." I was sputtering. I shook my head, feeling the stinging at the back of my eyes. Whoa, tears? I wasn't ready for that. If he didn't shape up soon I was going to have to bail. He sighed, "Listen, I ju - " I cut him off. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. "I can't believe you asked that. I guess I was wrong all along then." I dropped my hands to my sides and looked at him. "Lory..." There was a different tone in his voice, I don't know if I heard it so much as felt it. Or maybe I imagined it. Apparently, I had been doing that lately. "Bye." I turned made to turn but he asked me a question before I could. "Are you coming to the show tomorrow?" I looked at him, but found it unable to read his face. I hesitated for a moment, about to just shrug or say 'I don't know' but after looking in his blank eyes for another moment I just blurted out my answer. "I don't think so." Then I left without another word. I hoped upon hope my voice didn't sound as choked with tears to him as it did to me. As I went back to the trailer to stare at the ceiling for a second time that day I realized something. All of his actions had pointed to one thing, the one thing that my heart wanted the opposite of. I had told myself his actions would declare what my heart should feel, while my heart had already decided. That and I realized I never got my burger. "Circus Monkeys -- Chap 13" 
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