Anachronisms in History

And so the great Julius Caesar had been murdered. Mark Antony carried the body wrapped in the bloody sheet and prepared to speak to his fellow Romans.

"Friends, Romans, countrymen-" he began but was interrupted by a curious noise. The crowd had quickly gone silent when he heard the sound again.

Breeep! Breeep! Breeep!

Sighing angrily, he lay the corpse down and pulled a small, slim object from his robes. He flipped it open and spoke into it with disgust.

"Hello? Yeah, I'm kinda busy here. Caesar just got himself killed and I need to smooth a few ruffled feathers, all right? What? No, no one's called the cops yet! Get offa my back already! I gotta go!" he snapped into his cell phone. Flicking it shut, he tucked it back into his robes.

"Now, where was I? Oh, yeah..."

Hey, wait a minute! That didn't really happen! Who's writing this stuff anyway?

I am. Don't you like it? I thought it'd be cool to give history a twist and throw in some of today's high-tech toys.

Well, it's just silly. And it isn't right! Why don't you try telling us about...oh, say...the Battle of Hastings? You know, something different! And try to be accurate!

And so William (soon to be Conqueror) prepared to lead his army of Normans into battle against the Saxons. He rode atop his mighty steed followed by his most trusted right-hand man. They convened on a low hill overlooking a field.

"What say you, my lord? How many are in our opposition? What should be our plan of attack?" asked his companion.

William stroked his chin thoughtfully for a moment. Then he reached into his saddlebag and pulled out a book-shaped item. He lay it flat on his saddle before himself and opened the odd device.

He clicked away for a few minutes before responding to the question. He grinned as he looked up at last.

"According to the satellite images, the Saxons are approximately-"

No, no, no! Now come on! William the Conqueror did NOT use a laptop in the year 1066! Puh-lease!

You cut me off when it was just getting good! That's very rude, you know!

Argh!! Try something else! What about Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address? Surely you won't mess that up.

And so Abraham Lincoln took his place in front of the assembled crowd and began to deliver his address.

"Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers set forth-"

But he was broken off by a peculiarly loud voice.

"You have new mail!"

Irritated, Mr. Lincoln turned to see who the culprit was. It was one of his aides who was sitting off to one side with a box-like mechanism before him.

The aide grinned sheepishly and said in a stage whisper, "Sorry about that, sir! It's just spam anyway!"

Shrugging his shoulders, the president continued with a sad shake of his head-

Okay, that's enough! I've had it! You are hopelessly silly and I'm leaving!

*door slams loudly*

Sheesh! Some people! What a total lack of imagination! But I'll bet you want to hear some more, don't you? You do? Good! Now let me tell you about the real gold rush in California in 1849.

And so it was another slow day at Sutter's Mill in sunny California. It didn't last for long because it was the very same day gold was discovered there. Everyone tried to keep the news quiet at first but soon the locals were busy posting instant messages to their friends and family back east about the exciting finds.

Thus the gold rush of 1849 had begun-

*door flies open wildly*

Hey! Are you still at it? That's impossible, you know. They didn't even haveIM back then, much less computers!

Back for more, are you? I knew you couldn't stay away long.

*sigh*I suppose I'm a glutton for punishment. And besides, someone's got to keep you in line.

Wait'll you hear about how Lewis and Clark really made their journey across the U.S.! I've got an excellent theory about it!

Well, maybe just a little bit...

And so Mr. Lewis and Mr. Clark were preparing for their great expedition across the Louisiana Purchase. They checked their provisions one last time.

"Sacajawea! We must set forth!" called Lewis.

She looked up from what she was doing.

"I'm almost ready. Just making sure everything is secure", she responded as she tied down the last box. "Alright, I'm ready. Let's go."

Clark and Lewis got in front. Their Indian guide sat in the back.

Soon the LandRover was rolling on its way-

LandRover?! Lewis and Clark went exploring in a LandRover?

Sure they did! It was a top-of-the-line model equipped with a GPS system and a CD player. Great for those long, boring stretches through Iowa and Nebraska. And if they got lost then-

GPS system?! If they used that, why did they bring Sacajawea along then?

Someone had to cook their food! Listen, why don't I tell you about Napoleon instead? You seem a little...agitated.

*muttering about sexism and idiocy*

And so Napoleon and his vast army were camped by the Great Pyramids of Egypt. They spent their days pondering through the massive ruins and taking target practice at the mysterious statue of the Sphinx.

One day, Napoleon was approached by one of his generals.

"Sir, I would like to discuss your plans for next month", he said, wiping the sweat from his brow.

Napoleon nodded and invited him back to his tent so that they could get out of the harsh afternoon sun.

"Now, I understand that we will be marching north soon, Monsieur", he said as he took a sip from his glass of wine.

"Oui, but let me check to make sure", replied Napoleon. He reached into his pocket and drew out a small hand-held device. From the side of it, he unsnapped a pen-like instrument. With it, he used it to tap the screen of his Palm Pilot.

"Ah, yes. Next month on the... eleventh we are due to set out north by following the Nile. And I see that by the thirtieth we are scheduled to reach-"

Napoleon did not have a Palm Pilot!

I think you're just jealous because you don't have one!

That's not true! Anyway, I think your theories on history are terribly silly! They couldn't have possibly happened that way.

*sigh* I guess you're right. So does that mean you don't want to hear about how VanGogh used Adobe Photoshop to create his masterpieces? Or how Charles Dickens relied heavily on spellcheck to write his novels (He was a very bad speller, you know!)? And are you sure you don't want to know how Benedict Arnold got busted when the American Revolutionists went through his hard drive and found-

Argh!! All of that is impossible! And I suppose that you would tell me that... oh, that the Titanic sank because they were ignoring their faxes!

Yes! That's exactly what I think! And you know what else?

What?

I also think that Mary Shelley got her story about Frankenstein published because she posted it first on Writing.Com!

Now come on!

No, really! After she told it to her friends that night in the castle, they persuaded her to open an account on Writing.Com. She did and put up an impressive portfolio that soon got noticed by-

You twit! Writing.Com isn't that old!

Hmph! You have no imagination, did you know that?

Are you trying to say that I can't come up with something better?

*with a sly smile* Well, can you? Come on then, I DARE you to!

...Oh, all right then!

The Ingalls family were crossing Kansas on their way to Oklahoma Territory. Mary and Laura sat in the back of the covered wagon. They were behaving themselves and playing quietly. Ma was sitting next to Pa in the front as he urged the horses ever forward. She glanced back at her daughters and then remarked, "The girls sure are being good. I'm glad we decided to get them both a Nintendo DS for this trip." Pa grinned at her....

See? I told you I could do it!

Hmmm... I think you've got some potential here. *grins* Now let me give you some pointers....