First

I loved you first,
But I didn't love you.
You were a cruel trick
My mind played on my heart.
You were acting, pretending
To be sweeter than you were,
Better than you were,
The perfect man -
No, boy, still boy,
And I still girl,
Not knowing the difference
Maturity brings.

I loved you first,
But I didn't love you.
You were a game
I was predestined to lose.
You won me with a stupid smile -
Was it there the whole time?
Did I fall for you based
On two rows of straight teeth?
I know lots of boys with braces.

I loved you first,
But I didn't love you.
You were an illusion,
A far-off mirage in a desert,
And I was too easily deceived,
Thirsty for water,
Never having known its taste.
You were pretend -
Or was I pretending?
Did I think something of you
You never saw in yourself?

I loved you first,
But I didn't love you.
And one day you may "love" me too.
It would be ironic, to say the least,
Now that I know myself better.
You litter the walls of my heart
Like so much garbage litters the earth,
Dirty, vague, disgusting, once beautiful
But having lost all semblance of beauty.


I don't know what you know of me,
Or of my childish stupid crushes.
Well, know this -
You may have been my first crush,
But you are not my first love.