A Christmas Worst Case Scenario

It was bound to happen of course. Looking back over the whole situation, I don’t see how it could have happened any other way. When one is distracted mishaps are preordained. They will happen in pairs, in triplets, in quadruplets. Where to begin is the problem. How do I write a report for the insurance company, without making us both appear drunk at the time? And I know I was sober.

First there was the problem with the Christmas Tree. OK, so buying a 6 ft. tree without measuring the height of our living room ceiling wasn't a good idea. It should have fit, you said it would have fit if the stand we put it on was only two inches shorter. Of course the angel would never have fit no matter how many inches shorter the tree stand was. But did we really need an angel? Wouldn't a star have done the job just as well? And did you need to shorten the tree by cutting it in half? I know the idea of having two trees for the price of one sounded good. Still I should have foreseen disaster when you brought the buzz saw in from the garage. Especially since I wasn’t sure you knew how to use it.

Second there was the problem with the Toyota. It had no roof rack, no tail hitch, only two doors, and a trunk too small for a proper spar tire, much less four trunks and ten suitcases. Not to mention the fact that it wasn’t big enough to hold ten people three dogs, two lizards and a cat. I still don't know why or even how I let you talk me into driving to the airport to pick up your family. The only logical reason I can think of … is that I thought you, not only knew how to use a buzz saw but, how to cut a Christmas tree in half (Obviously I was wrong about that. I'll ask next time.) Ok, so we made it to the hospital before your sisters gave birth. The only reason we did is because we had a police escort. It's a good thing your father was driving and not me. The man has nerves of steel; I would have bailed when all three of you sisters started screaming. Still, all things considered it could have been worse. When your father hit the back of that ambulance, we could all have ended up in the hospital.

Third and I will admit this was my fault; there was the problem with the turkey. I shouldn't have started cooking the turkey before I went to pick up your family. I knew you didn't know how to cook. You can't boil water without burning it, I should never have expected you to take the turkey out of the oven or even turn the oven off. Still you didn't have to give me that deer caught in the head lights look when I asked you "What the heck were you were thinking by attempting to put out an oven fire out with cooking oil!!"

Oh, by the way you don't cut a six foot Christmas Tree in half length wise to get it to fit in a five foot high living room!