The Music of Her Heart

Cally sat on the sofa, and stared hard at the CD case, her brow deeply furrowed, a grimace making an angry slash of her mouth. She tried valiantly to fight back useless tears but lost the battle. The titles listed meant nothing any longer, now that she'd never hear the music again.

She remembered it the way she remembered her first love, the way she remembered sunny days running on a sandy beach when she was eight, or the way her grandpa used to hug her in the years before he died. All were fond memories that could never truly be relived except in her mind. She couldn't really enjoy her first kiss over again, or breathe in the scent of her grandpa's earthy skin and freshly washed shirt. Despite the clarity of memory, they were, by their very nature, always kept at a distance from the moment.

Cally let out an anguished cry and threw the CD case, so that it careened across the room. It crashed against the useless stereo before falling to the floor and breaking open. The pale green of the disc mocked her with its call to a pastel serenity. She pushed the sign language book next to her onto the floor, and pulled her knees up, pressing them against her forehead, hugging herself in a tight ball as her body shook with sobs she couldn't hear.

Since the accident, everything Cally knew of her world had changed. Oh, the doctors fed her tall tales of living a rich and full, even if soundless, life. She could learn sign language. Her other senses would be heightened. There were dogs trained to be her ears. Life, they said, would never be the same, but it would still be a wondrous thing.

"I hate this!" she screamed into the silence.

The words rumbled in her throat, in her chest, but ended where the nothingness began. It wasn't so much the birdsong she missed, or the sound of her husband's voice, or the music she had so loved. None of the things she expected to miss were what she longed for now. It was all the little things she'd never noticed, or didn't understand the value of before. She missed hearing the steady hum of the refrigerator, the imperceptible hush of a world sleeping under a midnight snowfall, the way the sheets whispered as Jeremy shifted in the bed next to her. Cally could feel his warm breath on her skin, but without the soft sound of it, his breath seemed to be something separate from reality, as though part of it was missing.

Everything she knew about the world was different now. Everything. As she wiped the tears from her eyes, she gazed at the extensive collection of CDs she and Jeremy had acquired over the years and longed to hear just one note. One clear note that felt like love, that felt like melancholy, that felt like anything she could hold onto and take life from. She understood now that it wasn't the music she loved so much, but the way hearing it had made her feel. She had never lived a day without music. Cally remembered how she'd steal into her sisters' rooms and take the batteries from their unused transistor radios. Like a junky in need of a fix, she'd shove the batteries into her own radio, turn it on low so nobody else in the sleeping house would hear, then place the little apparatus under her pillow. She'd fall asleep in the small hours of the night, listening to the sweet sounds of whatever song didn't crackle out of range. Every emotion she'd ever felt had its beginning and end in song. When Cally lost her hearing, she lost the meaning of her life.

The music collection they owned mocked her. Anger welled up in the pit of her stomach like a vile thing needing escape. Vaulting off the sofa like a guerilla affecting an ambush, she ran to the CD tower and pulled it down, sending the discs crashing to the floor. It didn't make her feel any better. It was like watching an intense movie with the volume muted. It meant nothing.

"No," she moaned, giving in to more tears, feeling the hard lump in her throat that meant a crying jag of astronomical proportions was about to consume her. She crumpled to the floor and lay amidst the shrapnel of a world that wasn't hers anymore.

She didn't hear the shower upstairs shut off, or hear Jeremy's footfall on the stairs, or hear him come into the room. She jerked violently when he touched her shoulder, her eyes flying wide open, her arms flailing in self-defense. He was wide-eyed, his body glistening from the interrupted shower. He gripped the corners of the towel he wore at his waist and tucked them in hurriedly. With his feet, he shoved away some of the debris and held her close, rocking her. His lips moved in her hair and she thought back to other times he'd comforted her. She knew he must be saying, "Shhh. Everything's okay. I'm here. Shhh."

It filled her with more anger.

"You don't know!" she felt herself say in her throat, and hoped the words she was trying to say were coming out. She had no way of knowing. Cally pushed her husband away and stood up. Her small fists were white knuckled, her whole body tense. She screamed it again, "You don't know!"

His lips moved. Her name she guessed. The anguish in his eyes hurt her but it was no worse than what he saw in hers.

"You have no idea. I always shhh." That last felt strange on her lips. The muscles in her throat were tight, and pained her, reminding her of the times when she tried to talk through tears and the words came out broken. She said the last word again, and again, wishing she could hear it. Every word she said now was broken, with or without tears to mar them. Her breath beat in against her chest in a steady rhythm as she inhaled. "You always shhh too. Shhh." The tenseness drained from her, giving her body a rag doll quality that had Jeremy quickly on his feet, holding her tight again. This time she didn't stop him. This time, she let herself sob against his shower-dampened skin.

When the sobs began to subside, he lifted her chin so her blue eyes met his. Blond curls tumbled over his deep brown eyes, now filled with concern, tears glistening. Cally suddenly felt very afraid he might stop loving her now. Like a thud in her chest, she realized that was what she had feared most would be lost to her. She was different now. She wasn't the woman he married. What if he couldn't bear the strain of it? What if he stopped loving her? That brought a fresh flow of tears. She didn't know if Jeremy sensed it, or somehow read her mind, but she knew he understood when he began to cry with her. He pulled her still closer, only moving his head back just far enough to kiss her salty-wet cheeks. Then he kissed her eyes, her lips, her nose, her hair, and then pulled her in again, letting his cries bind with hers.

Jeremy brushed a strand of hair wetted to her cheek, then led her to the couch, sat her down, and motioned her to stay there. He clasped the towel at his waist with one hand. With the other, he held up his index finger as if to say "Wait there." Turning his eyes to the floor, he rooted through the scattered discs, until finding the one he was seeking. He bent to insert the disc in the stereo, and Cally, now sniffling and dabbing at her eyes with the sleeve of her blouse, watched with curiosity.

His hand went to the volume dial and turned it up. Straightening up, Jeremy turned his head to flash a smile at her. He raised his eyebrows, and Cally dipped her head, pressing her lips together in an attempt to cover her silent giggle. She watched as Jeremy pulled the large speakers out from their place against the wall, kicking aside CDs as he did so, nearly losing his towel in the process. He grabbed it before it slipped completely and pressed fingers to his o-shaped mouth. Cally giggled and gave a little 'end of crying session' sniffle.

After setting the speakers close together, he turned quickly to the stereo again, pushed play, then stepped up onto one of the speakers. He motioned for Cally to join him. With tentative steps, she came to him. Taking the outstretched hand he offered, Cally stepped onto the hard surface with him. She had felt the music reverberating through the floor, but felt it still stronger when she stood on the speaker.

It was their song. Cally recognized the beat of it as it vibrated throughout her body. Again, Jeremy pulled her close. She wrapped her arms around him, closed her eyes, and smiled as she let the music flow through her.

When you know that you know who you love, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cause you know, and you know, that you know.

Cally sang the words, though she imagined they were probably drowned in the sound she couldn't hear. She looked worriedly into Jeremy's eyes and pointed first to him, then to her ears, and lastly to the speakers beneath them. Jeremy smiled and shrugged. He took her hand, pressed her fingers to his lips, and said simply, "I love you."

Cally smiled. Life would never be the same. She closed her eyes, rested her head on Jeremy's broad chest, swayed to the music, and felt the heart of life beating close to her own.


Shawn Colvin--When You Know--Serendipity Soundtrack: "Serendipity"