Spider Wars

The events portrayed in the following story, while only slightly terrifying, are true, though the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent. In my role as narrator I will endeavor to stick to the facts as I know them; but in some places I have been given creative licence. Otherwise this would only be a 3 line story and, well, what's the fun in that?

This is the story of Vanessa, a blonde haired, green eyed reluctant hero and her battle with a huge, hairy and ugly Huntsman Spider. This terrifying but true tale takes place on a wet and windy Sunday afternoon in Vanessa's lounge room; where she is usually at her most relaxed while sitting at her computer and reading all sorts of wonderful stories. On this particular afternoon she was happy and content just sitting at her computer and searching for a good story to read, when out of the corner of her eye she realised that her little haven had been breached. Yes, there staring down at her was the huge, hairy and ugly Huntsman Spider, henceforth known as Hunty. Vanessa was at first content to just let Hunty have his little moment of glory over scaring the everloving hell out of her, so she continued to sit at her computer and just cast the odd glance in his direction. All was well until Hunty decided to move; this, in Vanessa's mind, was the first strike of the war.

Now Vanessa is not an innocent in the ways of battle against spiders, she has proven to be victorious on many an occasion. Her one exception to victory however, was in circumstances similar to this, against another Huntsman spider, quite possibly a family member of Hunty, which just makes this battle even harder as Hunty now has a greater reason to win this war: vengeance. In the previous battle Vanessa tried to get the spider off the ceiling with a broom, only to have her tactics used against her and have the spider chase her around the room.

So there the combatants stood, Vanessa all 5'3" quivering in nervous fear and Hunty looking down on her with this most annoyingly smug expression on his huge hairy face. Vanessa was trying her hardest to look intimidating, she even tried a steely eyed stare while waving her broomstick around but nothing seemed to work, Hunty just kept looking at her. Vanessa realised that drastic measures were called for, but what? She did think about spraying him with a can of fly spray and then sucking him up with the vacuum cleaner, but she could never really be sure he was actually dead; she has seen one too many horror movies where what is supposed to be dead just comes back to life to take that route.

So still they stared, each waiting for the other to make the first move, Vanessa realised that this standoff had to be broken, especially since Hunty stood between her and the kitchen, and she had a hankering for a mid-afternoon snack, so she withdrew to her safe haven, her computer chair, and started to draw up battle plans. Now Vanessa still carried the guilt of too many other spiders killed in battle so she knew she needed to start her path of redemption here and now by ending this battle without bloodshed. Suddenly a plan came to mind.

Vanessa entered the war zone again; after getting a hat in case of aerial strikes, and putting on her steel capped boots so as to be covered if Hunty decided to attack from the ground and try to run up her legs, and carrying her broom. All was ready.

Hunty had moved.

A quick glance around the door frame found him closer to the ground now, within reach of Vanessa's broom if she stretched out and stood on tippy toes. Thankfully this only slightly altered the battle plans, which was good because Vanessa can't think up more than one idea a day, her brain tends to hurt after awhile.

The time had come, Vanessa snuck up behind Hunty and with a mighty push of the broom sent him skidding down the wall, before he had a chance to recover, she pushed him again, this time he fell to the floor and did that curl up things spiders sometimes do so you think they are dead. But this didn't stop our reluctant hero, she kept sweeping him till he was at the back door, all of sudden Vanessa realised the error in her plan, how to get past Hunty to actually open the door and push him outside.

Deciding to do what all heroes do, she sucked up her courage and made out she was tough. Taking a deep breath she quickly jumped over Hunty and opened the door. Another quick breath and a jump and she was back inside and almost hyperventilating, but she had done it. One last push and Hunty was outside alive and well.

Once again the combatants stared at each other, though this time it was in recognition of a battle well fought. Vanessa watched as Hunty turned to head out into the great beyond, only to watch as he got swallowed up by the dog.



In many of the responses to this story I've had people telling me they looked up Huntsman Spiders. To make it easier for you if you're interested...

http://www.austmus.gov.au/factsheets/huntsman_spiders.htm

While this obviously isn't Hunty from the above story - I finally got brave enough to take a photo of a huntsman spider - Yes I was standing a reasonable distance away

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