missing you

Missing You

I am surprised to discover
how much I miss you now -
after all these months
you've been gone.

In fact
I miss you more now
than before -
maybe because it seems more real now
and is hitting me harder
because I've had to deal
with your absence
in a more obvious way
these past few months.

People talked about
reaching for the phone
to call their loved one
before remembering
they aren't there -
and I couldn't relate to that
before -
until now ...

I want to call you
and share my frustrations
my sorrows and pain
my fears and doubts
and hear your reassurances
telling me you are proud of me
that you believe in me
and that you know that I can do
this very hard thing.
I want you to tell me
that you are praying for me
and that I am not alone.
I want you to tell me
once again
that you love me.

But you aren't there anymore,
not in the literal sense.
I suppose you are here, though -
within me and around me
and I can hear your voice at times
if I listen very carefully
to the sound of my beating heart.
Because I always seem to know
just what you'd say to me
if you were here ...

And while that offers
some small comfort
I'd rather you were really here
with us
with me.

I miss you ...