The Misadventures of the Fellowship

The Misadventures of the Fellowship

It has long been judged that Frodo Baggins did, with the help of his courageous friend, Samwise Gamgee, manage to enter Mount Doom and toss the Ring into its fiery pit. That was not, however, the true way of things in Middle Earth. In fact, Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee never even got to Mordor and never destroyed the ring. Apparently, even Tolkien was confused by the occurrences by the falls, for it was not Pip and Merry who got taken by the Uruk-Hai, but Frodo and Sam. This is the complete story of the true way of things.

“Merry, Pippin, watch the Ring for me while I sleep,” Frodo said, his voice heavy with weariness. He had been wearing the ring for too long, indeed.

Pippin grinned and took the ring from his friend’s hand. “Sure thing, Frodo.”

“You just go to sleep and we’ll wake you up when it’s time for luncheon,” Merry added. Sam looked up from where he was cooking some of their remaining food and nodded in agreement.

“Yes, you sleep Master Frodo. You’ve not been eating, either. Don’t think I haven’t noticed, because I have,” he said in his usual, caring way.

Frodo sighed and stretched. “It feels good to be free of the Ring for a while, even if only for a few moments.” With this, he lied down and closed his eyes.

But, sleep would not come for a while for this little hobbit. As soon as his eyes were closed, Legolas charged into the clearing.

“Hobbits get moving! Strange Orcs that can run in the light are attacking. Run, Frodo!” he cried before sweeping around and shooting off an arrow. A moment later, there was a thud and a body fell into the clearing. “Run Hobbits!”

Pippin and Merry were up and behind the trees without further provocation, but Sam and Frodo were a bit too slow. Frodo, slowed by weariness, and Sam, unwilling to leave his master’s side, were still in the clearing when the Uruk-Hai pushed past Legolas and saw them.

“Get the Halfings!” one of them shouted. Soon, poor Sam and Frodo had Uruk-Hai all over them. Each were picked up and dragged off, much to the horror of everyone present. Aragorn, having just witnessed Boromir’s death and thinking that this day was the darkest in Middle Earth’s history, ran into the clearing with Gimli the dwarf right behind him. They came just as the Uruk-Hai ran out of sight, taking Sam and Frodo with them. They helped Legolas up and turned to Pippin and Merry, who were coming out from behind the tree.

“Pippin, Merry,” said Aragorn sadly, “All is lost. Frodo has been captured. Saruman has the Ring.”

“No he doesn’t,” Merry said, grinning.

“He doesn’t? What, is Frodo planning on a daring escape?” Gimli asked, twirling his axe contemptuously.

“No, he just doesn’t have the ring,” Pippin said, digging into his pocket. “Because he gave it to me to hold onto while he took a nap.”

Aragorn looked up and mumbled a few Elvish works of thanks. “Then Middle Earth is still not destroyed; yet.”

“But what of Sam and Frodo? We can’t leave them to Saruman!” Merry protested.

Aragorn nodded. “Gimli and I will go get them and Legolas will join you two to Mordor. Come, we should continue our journey. C’mon, Gimli.”

“Yes, I come. Journey hard hobbits and elf,” Gimli said, following Aragorn out of the valley and in the direction the Uruk-Hai had run.

Once they were gone, Legolas turned to the hobbits. “Alright, this is what I’m going to do for you. I’m tired of Aragorn getting all the glory in this. It’s “oh, how brave Aragorn,” and “oh, Aragorn is so hot”. What about me for a change? I mean, even Quaddy loves you guys more than me,” he ranted, his voice becoming very whiney.

“Shush, Legolas,” said a random, disembodied voice of Quaddy, which rang through the sky. “I like you more than Aragorn.”

“But you love Pippin the best!” Legolas called back, pointing to the hobbit, who grinned.

“Yes, that’s true. Pippin and Merry are my favorite characters, but you’re still before Aragorn. Now, get on with it!” Quaddy snapped. Pippin and Merry grinned as two apples appeared in front of them, but Legolas scowled. “What, no food for me?”

“Get on with it!” Quaddy repeated. Legolas sighed, but smiled slightly when a Mickey D’s cheeseburger appeared in front of him. “It’s left over from lunch today. Eat it, it’s good!”

Legolas raised an eyebrow, but hungry looks from the hobbits sealed the decision for him. Reaching for the burger, he snatched it out of the air and unwrapped it. Taking a bite, he gave a pensive look as if concentrating on the taste.

“Not bad, he said after a moment. “Pretty good, actually…”

“Good! Pip, Merry, since I love you oh so much more than Legolas, here’s some cheeseburgers for you,” Quaddy said again. The hobbits “yay”ed and ate the cheeseburgers, much to the chagrin of the elf.

“Right,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Of course they get more food!”

“Shove it, Legolas!” Quaddy snapped again. “Remember, I have the pen…”

Legolas out-fit changed into that of a light pink tutu, leotard, stockings, and Pointe shoes and the ribbons in his hair were just a bit darker. “Oh God!” he cried as the hobbits, whom had been silent until now, laughed hysterically.

“Good one!” Merry shouted up to Quaddy. Pippin nodded ecstatically in agreement.

“He looks good like this,” he said after a moment of joking appraisal. “Very nice…”

“Hardy har har,” Legolas said, rolling his eyes. “Very funny, Quaddy.”

“Legolas, you’d think you would be happy that you get to destroy the Ring, but no…You’re too worried about looking like James Dean…Oh, good look. Ok ladies, prepare to scream…” Quaddy’s voice rang a bit and Legolas turned into a James Dean biker guy. The sound of screaming teenaged girls filled the clearing.

A couple of miles away, the Uruk-Hai, Frodo, and Sam looked around. “Ah, Quaddy gave Legolas a James Dean look,” Sam said, looking at his script. “See, Master Frodo?”

“Yeah, I see Sam,” Frodo said, looking at his own script. “Frankly, I don’t really like the whole look.”

“Hmmm…true,” Sam said, taking a sip of tea and blowing bubbles from his pipe. He had a very Masterpiece Theatre look about him and…”Ok Quaddy- enough!”

“Sorry, Sam,” Quaddy said. A very dirty, tired, loyal to Frodo, cute little hobbity kind of look about him, then.

“That’s better,” Sam called up. Frodo nodded.

“Yes, that is such a good look on you, darling! Hey! What’s with the high-pitched voice, hun?” Frodo asked, flipping his hand out a bit before placing it on his hip. “Honestly, girl, I get no respect from you…Stop making me sound so gay!” (A/n- this is not meant to be offensive. I’m making fun of my friend Jimmy)

“But you sound good that way! Aww, all right! You’re not gay…Oh, Legolas has stopped walking the runway, so I must get back to them. Bye guys! Oh, and Frodo, you won’t be returning to the Shire, so what do you want me to say to everyone there?”

“Tell them “Bye, huns!” and “Take care!” Quaddy!!!” Frodo’s face went red and there was a sound of laughter fading off into the distance. “Oh, great! Now I’m going to have to talk like this…Hey, I’m back! Yeah!! I’m back!!!” Frodo yelled, running around in a hobbity version of the funky “yay for me” dance that had been so popularized by Boromir.

Back in the clearing, Legolas was still celebrating his newfound sexiness by looking at himself in a full-length mirror that stood at the edge of the clearing. Pippin and Merry were so bored of Legolas conceit that they sat against a tree, reading the business section of the newspaper.

“Ah, the Bow is down 200 today…” Merry said, reading the stocks. Pippin looked at that and shook his head.

“It’s terrible how the economy is doing lately,” he said, taking a bite out of another apple.

“It’s not doing much better here,” Quaddy said, breaking her silence. “Our president is being a dummy…wants to bomb Iraq…So stupid.”

“What did Iraq do?” Pippin asked, looking up.

“Apparently, their leader is hiding biochemical weapons that are illegal in his country to use in an attack against our country. But, since no one’s found anything yet, he’s getting antsy. He wants to start a war. I don’t think he would feel like he’s accomplished anything if he doesn’t initiate a military strike. Heaven forbid we work on peace…” Quaddy muttered. Pippin and Merry could almost hear her rolling her eyes. “But, enough of that. Oh, Legolas!!!!”

“What?” Legolas yelled. “Can’t you see I’m doing something important here?”

“Too important to listen to me tell you that the James Dean look doesn’t suit you as well as the whole Elf look?” Quaddy asked, making Legolas’ biker-dude look disappear, leaving him with his previous look.

“Oh great…from sexy to blah once again. So, is it time to take the ring yet?” Legolas asked, turning around and looking up at the sky.

“Yeah, I guess so. Oh, and Frodo says “Bye and take care”. Oh, and that he’ll miss you very, very much.”

“What are you talking about, Quaddy? Frodo’s comin’ back!” Merry said, knitting his eyebrows together.

“No, he’s not. I’ll let Sam tell you when he comes back,” Quaddy replied. “Now, Legolas, give Pip and Merry the money for their pub/brewery/smokehouse and Pippin, give Legolas the Ring.”

Legolas sighed and handed Merry a pouch full of money. Pippin walked up to the elf and handed him the Ring.

“Good. Now, Legolas, be on your merry way. Once you throw the ring into the fiery pit…bladdy bladdy blah, head back to Pip and Merry’s place and there will be plenty of girls for you there. Go!” Quaddy said. Legolas nodded and looked up into the sky.

“Thanks, Quaddy! Finally, I’ll have the girls I want!” he said, taking the Ring and running off toward Mordor. “Uh…how do I get there?”

“Go left…” Quaddy said. “Here’s a map. Just follow the little flashing red lights.” A map dropped from the sky and landed in Legolas’ hand.

“Thank you! Alright, here I come to save the day!” Legolas said, heading out of the clearing and looking at the map before running toward Mordor.

“Does he know this isn’t ‘Dudley Do-Right’?” Quaddy asked. Pippin and Merry shrugged.

“Well, then…how do we get back to the Shire?” Pippin asked.

“Your restaurant should probably be just outside Hobbiton…” Quaddy mused. “Oh, I’ll take you there.” There was the sound of snapping and then the two found themselves in a spot perfect for their restaurant. “So, what’re you going to call it?”

“The Mushroom Cloud!” Pippin cried out.

Quaddy laughed. “Um…yeah. That’s a good name, Pippin. A very good name! I like it!”

“Thanks!” Pippin said, crossing his arms proudly.

“No problem, Pippin. So, are you guys gonna get started, or what? I can help you for a bit, but I’ve got this killer English essay I have to write…”

“Why do you want to write an essay that kills people?” Pip asked, cocking his head to the side.

Quaddy laughed as she walked into the clearing. “No, that just means it’s hard,” she said, her baggy blanks pants catching up some of the leaves.

“You’re of Men?” Merry asked, somewhat surprised. “I was so sure that you were an elf, or something…”

“Nah. In fact, if I really lived here in Middle Earth, I’d prolly be a Hobbit. Now, let’s get this place started,” Quaddy replied. Pippin and Merry nodded and the three of them got to work building Middle Earth’s largest and most lucrative Tavern, Brewery, and Smoke House- The Mushroom Cloud.

In the interest of not losing the attention of the readers and so that Quaddy doesn’t go insane, the next part of the story has been omitted. We will, instead, play five minutes worth of easy listening music…

“Ok, no! No Easy Listening!” Quaddy shouted from where she was putting together a sketch for a new building. “Don’t make me pull a Monty Python on you…”

Fine! In the interest of saving time, we will give a brief synopsis of the events up until the return of Samwise Gamgee to the Shire.

“Better,” Quaddy interjected. “Say something about Legolas, too.”

Right. Legolas Greenleaf journeyed forth into Mordor and there destroyed the One Ring. It is said that, in the fires of Mount Doom, his hair was singed and is now a lovely, auburn color. At an interview with Mr. Greenleaf upon his arrival at Rivendell, he said the following words about his hair: “The ladies really seem to love it. They’re all over me now!” Of course, Legolas became the hero of all Middle Earth and now resides with Pippin and Merry at The Mushroom Cloud, where he holds VIP parties every night that involve scantily clad women and lots of alcohol.

Pippin and Merry, with the help of Quaddy, successfully started Middle Earth’s largest brewery, smoke house, and restaurant. They, at Pippin’s suggestion, named it The Mushroom Cloud and it now employs Elves, Men, Dwarves, and Hobbits from all around Middle Earth. Recently, Pippin and Merry have been spotted at Moria, where the Dwarves(who rebuilt it) are working on some electronics for them in their new, expanded business. The two Hobbits were recently named Middle Earth’s richest men and most eligible bachelors. They often invite Quaddy back, but she is rarely seen at The Mushroom Cloud. Word has it that she’s too busy chasing after a certain “Billy-Bob”, who is a hick from Ohio.

Aragorn and Gimli, who so bravely went after Sam and Frodo, eventually caught up with them at Isengard. There, they met up with Gandalf, whom had already destroyed Isengard with the help of the Ents. He had also broken Saruman’s staff and was reported to have been dancing up a storm on a new Dance Dance Revolution system, which had been brought it by Quaddy. Sam had reportedly blown everyone away in the game and Gandalf was working feverishly to defeat the little Hobbit. As Aragorn and Gimli arrived, they took Frodo and Sam and headed back to the Shire. Along the way, they had stopped at Rivendell to find that Frodo was deathly ill. Sam, who loved his master dearly, remembered the words of Quaddy from a year, or two, before, “You won’t be returning to the Shire…” and suggested that Frodo go to the Havens. Aragorn decided that this was the best thing to do and the group departed from Rivendell, headed for the Western Shores. There, Frodo and Sam had a cheerless good-bye(or attempted to, as Quaddy had made Frodo talk “gay” again) and then Frodo departed.

Samwise, Aragorn, and Gimli then made for the Shire and the infamous restaurant, The Mushroom Cloud. On the way, however, Aragorn was called away. “Some nonsense about being King,” he said as he rode off toward Gondor. Samwise and Gimli made the rest of the journey to The Mushroom Cloud alone, with some random help given by Quaddy. Soon, they arrived…

“Ok, this is a good time to return to the story. Thank you.”

No problem. Did I do a good job?

“Yes, a great job.”

Thanks.

“No problem. Now, Sam and Gimli should be walking through that door any moment. Think you can get Legolas out here, or is he too busy being ‘Mr. Sexy Middle Earth’ again?” Quaddy asked, looking over at Pippin and Merry.

“Legolas! Get out here!” Merry shouted. A few moments later, Legolas staggered out of the VIP room. As he opened the door, “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” by Good Charlotte poured into the Tavern. The tall, now auburn-haired Elf walked over to the two Hobbits and Quaddy slowly, doing that “ghetto-dip” thing that Quaddy found extremely repulsive.

“I liked you better as James Dean,” she muttered, rolling her eyes. “Sam and Gimli will be here soon. Can you separate yourself from your posse long enough to say hello to them?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Legolas replied, shrugging. Ever since he had destroyed the One Ring, he had held himself above the rest of Middle Earth and, as such, was the least popular Elf in the land. As such, he was also the most popular for, if he didn’t like you, no one liked you. Much like Cheerleaders.

“Alright, Sam and Gimli approach. Let’s be normal,” Merry said, looking out of the window. “Sam’ll be upset ‘cause Frodo’s gone, but let’s make him happy again!”

“I’ll get the best stuff we’ve got!” Pippin said, running into a back room and grabbing some ale (a very good year, might I add). He came out as Sam and Gimli walked in.

“Sam! Gimli! How are ya?” Legolas slurred quickly before turning around and sauntering back into the VIP room. As he entered, everyone could see the girls that immediately began to hang on to him. Quaddy wondered how much longer it would take before all his hair was pulled out.

“Well, he’s sociable, isn’t he?” Gimli quipped, one eyebrow cocked upward.

“Yeah,” Pippin replied. “I think the fact that he destroyed the ring went to his head a bit. Not even our ale makes his head go straight…”

Quaddy chuckled. “He’s just a bit too into himself now even for your ale to work, and your ale is the best.”

“Basically, he’s a lost cause, then,” Gimli said, sighing. “Well, he looks good. With the hair, you know?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah. It was supposed to be Master Frodo, though…” he said, sighing sadly.

“Frodo’s happy where he is, Sam,” Quaddy said, nodding to Pippin. The hobbit immediately began preparing a pint of ale for him. Merry, on the other hand, prepared a pipe. “You need to loosen up and be happy, man!”

Pippin handed Sam his ale and Merry gave him the pipe. Sam took them gratefully and took a sip of the ale.

For the next hour, Pippin and Merry worked on getting Sam to loosen up a bit. Quaddy and Gimli even got into the act- Quaddy told jokes while Gimli relayed stories of how much of a sissy Aragorn really was. By the time Sam had downed his fourth pint, he was pretty laid back.

“Well, this ends the misadventures of the Fellowship of the Ring,” Sam said, laughing as he pushed his chair from the bar. “Let’s end it with a song!”

“Which one?” Pippin asked, looking up. He and Merry had heard several since starting The Mushroom Cloud.

“Quaddy’s favorite,” Sam replied, looking at the girl, who grinned mischievously and nodded her agreement.

“Ah! I know which one you speak of,” Merry said. “We haven’t sung that since before we left the Shire to destroy that ring…”
“Yeah, but it’s my favorite one!” Quaddy said, taking a sip of her Shirley Temple (which Pippin had been happy to make once she had explained what it was).

“Let’s sing it!” Legolas said, coming out of the VIP room. “Grand Finale, you know?”

“Right!” Aragorn said, coming in. “The Sun’ll come out, tomorrow!”

“NO! Not that song!” Everyone shouted at the same time. Legolas ran forward and stopped the music.

“It’s number 10 on the CD…No, not that CD- the other one! Yeah, that one,” Quaddy said, helping Legolas set the music. “Right. Everyone have their glass?”

Pippin and Merry quickly gave out mugs of ale and then jumped onto the bar. Everyone took a deep breath.

“Hey ho to the bottle I go
To heal my heart and drown my woe
Oh rain may fall and wind may blow
But there’ll still be
Many miles to go
Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain
And the brook that leaps from hill to plain
But better than rain or bubbling brook…”

Everyone stopped and looked over at Pippin. “Is a mug of beer inside this Took!” he said, finishing off the song.

“And thus ends the Misadventures of the Fellowship of the Ring,” Quaddy said, looking around. Everyone grinned and sat down, free from the challenges of saving Middle Earth. “So,” Quaddy said again. “Who’s up for another one?”