I Found My Voice!

Kathy,

I'm writing to you today, after so many years, for a purpose. I strongly suggest you read this. This is not in any way meant to harass you, harm you, or hurt you. Rather, I'm seeking to free myself of the demons you forced upon me beginning 23 years ago. I think it's only fair that I'm able to be as free as you have been for so long, because after all, you chose to sexually abuse me, among other things. I never asked for it, nor was it wanted. I wanted your attention; your love, and affection, because you were all I had. I wanted the love of a parent that I never had. I wanted a family. But I didn't want it that way. I didn't want it to be in the form of a lover, as you had intended. I was 9 and 10 years old. What could I have possibly known about love in that form? I barely knew about love as a basic.

Over the years, when I confronted you, several times, I was met with a plethora of blows to my self esteem and to my ego. You lied to me. You forced me to sit in a room with your friends who all told me they didn't believe that you did this to me. You lied to CPS, and walked away from charges that potentially could have put you in jail, which by the way, is where you belong. You have continually chosen to disrespect me, beat me down, lie to me, shun me, and just generally make my life a miserable tormented prison of hell. For what, I ask you? What could I have ever done to you that warranted even a fraction of the crap you gave me for so long, and still continue to give me by maintaining that you- and this is a direct quote of what you last said to me about it:

"I believe it could have happened; I just don't recall that happening".

When I met you, I was a hurting 9 year old girl who had been through several major changes. You were my 3rd 'family' in less than one year. You took upon yourself a major responsibility. You were supposed to protect me. Instead, you attacked me. You were supposed to love me as your child. Instead, you loved me as your lover. You were supposed to like me as a person. Instead, you hated me like your enemy.

You were supposed to be my parent, the one I would turn to, the one I could trust. Instead, you became my bitter enemy, and instilled in me the bitter emotions of hate, fear, and prejudice.
Let me recap for you exactly what you have done to me, my life, and how I perceive life.

You sexually molested me. You touched me in places you had had no business having an interest in whatsoever. You violated my trust. You violated my body. And ultimately, you violated my young, innocent, and vulnerable mind.

You further subjected me to other forms of abuse. You mentally tortured me. You made me feel as though I had zero worth. You ridiculed me every chance you got. You constantly berated me, belittled me, lied to me, chastised me, disrespected me, picked on and made terrible fun of me.

You kicked me when I attempted to pass by you. You threw me against walls. You roared your disapproval at my slightest infractions to anyone within earshot. You took any happiness I may have felt away; swiftly and violently. You never realized just how many people heard you, nor how often. There were so many little things. But, oh, they've added up.

Not too long after I met you, before you sexually abused me the first time, you and I were in the condo, in Valley Cottage, in the living room. I know you remember this. You were reading; I was drawing a picture for you. Then I asked you what it looked like to you, and you said you didn't know, and you asked me what it was. I said I didn't know either, but I wanted to know what you thought about it. And what did you do then? You picked up your glass of tea and threw it on me.

Another night, the freezer door was open. I had just opened my mouth to tell you to watch your head, when you hit it on the door. And what did you do then? You took a butter knife and threw it at me. Oh, there were so many 'little' things, but they damn sure added up.

The ultimate was you breaking the law by violating a young child's body. When I finally gained a little courage to stand up for myself and get some help, what did you do? Why, you told Children Protective Services that I had issues; that I had problems, that I was a liar. God, you made my life a complete and utter living hell after that. All I was trying to do was escape the abuse; your abuse. I certainly cannot be faulted for that! Do you realize how many attempts on my life I made because I saw no other way to escape your torment?

While I'm on the subjects of problems, issues and lying, let's focus on the same for you. You brought to your adulthood issues from your childhood with your own mother. I imagine you will tell me that you never said anything about your childhood to me, but you most assuredly did. Your mother idolized your brother, but had little to do with you. You either got the brush off, or you got the opposite: complete disdain. For that, and that only, I feel for you. You obviously never got over it, and decided your way of healing came in the form of passing it onto someone else, so your burdens could be eased.

You further sought to command complete control over someone not in a position to fight back. I happened to come along and be that person. I'm not sure at what point in your life you started to believe that was OK to do. I'm living proof that it's quite not OK. I suppose this all falls within the "I don't recall" portion of your memory bank, too, right?

In short, you hurt me more than anyone ever has, my birth parents included. You once told me that I was one of your favorite people; that you were grateful I was a part of your life. I still have that letter, in fact, just recently I found it and read it. I was shocked when I read it, because every word was a lie. I believe you said those words because, at the time, I had agreed to let things go, give you the benefit of the doubt, and never bring this subject up again.

Well guess what? I lied too. But I had good reason to. As long as things went your way, you were happy with me, no matter what the cost or consequence to me and my well being.

What made you think you had any right to do this to a sweet, lovable, vulnerable and already hurting child?? What right do you have to walk around, free as you please in your own little carefree and conscience free world, knowing what you did to me, while your victim, me, lives in a tormented prison? What right did you have to cover your own ass to whomever you could manipulate into believing you... all at my expense? What right do you have to continue to not accept responsibility for the pain you caused me? Why am I the one that now has to carry your burdens from your own childhood?

I had enough problems before I met you that had never been addressed. I certainly did not need you to add to them!

It took me years to finally confront you the first time. That went so well that you effectively managed to shut me up about it for years after. You thought you had it made. I say au contraire!
I kept desperately trying to find some peace, some solace, some escape in my life because of your abuse. I've been for years trying to attain some kind of closure. It's always been to no avail.

And now I shall tell you why.

It's simple, really. So simple you will wonder why you never said just a few words that would have set a much younger and less bitter person free, to a degree. And those words are quite simply the Truth.

All you ever had to tell me was the truth.
All I ever wanted to hear were these words:

Jacqui, I abused you, and I take full responsibility. I lied to you and I take full responsibility. How can I help you?

That's it! So simple! How hard is that? You were the adult in this situation. You were also supposed to be the parent. With adulthood and parenthood come certain responsibilities. You have failed both as a parent and as an adult. You have failed terribly as a person in general. Most importantly, you failed me as a child. And now I'm left picking up pieces of my life which never should have fallen in the first place.

When we met, don't you think I had enough to deal with then? I was neglected by both my parents, abused by both my birth mother and a prior foster family, and rejected by yet another foster family. Don't you think that by then I was pretty emotionally fragile? Don't you think by then I should have been allowed to be brought to the path of healing, and not one of more hurt and pain?

Don't you think you should have helped me, and not hurt me anymore?

If you could not handle that responsibility, and you most certainly could not, then I say to you that you never should have agreed to have me placed with you in the first place.

Now, you can tear this up, burn it, eat it, or do whatever you wish. But you heed this, and you heed it well:

You, Kathy, will hear from me again.

That is a promise. You have haunted me for years. There is not one single day goes by that the pain you inflicted upon me is not present. Not one single day. I rest very little because of you. I have health problems from the stress you cause me on a daily, and continual basis. I have relationship issues because I lack the ability to trust. I have few friends, none of whom are women, because of you. I have self esteem issues, self worth issues, because of you. I have had to pay my own therapy bills, my own medical bills, and medication bills... because of you. You walked away and left your mess in my life, thus leaving me to attempt to clean it up.

In short summary:

Kathy, you are a child molester and a child abuser. You have effectively managed to control a child, and that control has followed that child well into her adult years, because the abuse you inflicted on that child was so profound, and so strong. You have damaged a person, and tried to break their spirit, for reasons which remain as of yet, unknown. You are a liar. You are a controlling manipulator who will stop at nothing to get what you want; to enable yourself to satisfy your own desires.

You do not deserve to be free any longer. I've spent 23 years, so far, in your prison. You threw away the key years ago when you told me to never contact you again. I told you I would not contact you because, at the time, I was at the worst stage emotionally of my life and I just could not handle things any longer.

The last time we spoke, you told me never to contact you again, because you were unable and unwilling to deal with the emotional roller coaster. I would love to know exactly how you think I feel? Do you even care how I feel?

Remember- You hurt a child. I would never be writing this letter to you if you had done nothing to me but love me as a parent should love their child. I disappeared for awhile for a number of reasons, most of which had to do with fear of you.

But guess what?? I'm back! Stronger and more determined than ever to fight back. I will fight you until you admit to me what you did to me. You have had your freedom for so many years. It's my turn to reclaim what should have been mine this whole time. I will NOT allow you to take my freedom any longer!

I will not be silent any longer! You will not control me any longer. You will not rest until I get what I want for a change. And what I want is the truth, from you, and my long awaited and well deserved closure.

So as you have tormented my mind for years; so as you have caused me years of unrest, health problems, stress, and a plethora of other problems, it's time for me to give back to you what is rightfully yours. You wil take this burden back.

You have caused my life to be held back. I've missed out on so much because of what you did to me, and how you treated me. I've gone without many things because of you. I've given up a lot of opportunities because I lacked the self esteem and courage and self worth it would have taken for me to pursue any dreams I once had. You took everything I had in me away from me to satisfy whatever it was within you that you lacked.

Kathy, you can do it the easy way, or you can do it the hard way. The easy way would be the right thing to do. If you have a shred of decency, compassion or humanity in you whatsoever, you will hear my voice this time, and you will accept full responsibility for your willful, hurtful, and malicious actions against me. I would like answers to my questions. I want no apology, for an apology is just words.

And if you have none of the above, I tell you this: You and I will have our biggest fight ever, and I promise you, Oh, I wholeheartedly promise you this- You will lose this fight.

You will want to peruse my work on child abuse at this site before you respond to me. You will see that I have goals now. I do thank you for one thing though. You have given me a purpose in life. Since I've been there, there being a victim of childhood abuse, in many forms, thanks to you, I can now reach out to other victims who were as powerless as I was once at the hands of our abusers. Together, we will rise above the likes of you and every other child molester and child abuser who thinks they will go to their graves carrying these dark secrets; who think they are home free.

We have news for you, all abusers. The secrets now have light shined upon them. The victims are out of their dark prisons of torment. We are silent no longer. We are weak no longer. We are scared no longer. You will control us no longer!! And we are coming after you...to make sure you take responsibility for your actions, as you always made us do the same... to the The Abusers of the World...You will be made held accountable for your actions against children.

I am tired of you having rights, while I have none. I'm tired of being told that if I ever send this out to anyone that you can sue me for slander. I'm tired of not being heard. I'm tired of being told to 'let it go' and 'get over it'. We never get over it; it's part of our lives.

I'm tired of hurting all the time. But most of all, I'm tired of being haunted by you. I've tried for years, all in vain, to get someone to listen to me. As a result, time has passed. Too much time to do certain things... not enough time to accomplish other things. You, and everyone you lied to about me is going to hear me this time.

I have my own children now and I would never think about doing a fraction of what you did to me to them. My well-being is critical to my raising them, and it's critical to their well being. Part of my well-being is dealing with you and your lies and hurtful actions once and for all. Their well-being relies on that to a degree as well. I will be heard. Anyone who attempts to silence me again will be ignored, as I've been ignored by so many for so long.

Kathy, you should have done the right thing years ago and allowed me to be free. You have no rights, as you've chosen to commit the crimes of several forms of child abuse. This is not slander, and you know this. I don't seek to defame your character as you've managed to do that quite effectively for yourself. I seek the truth, and I seek to be heard. You will speak the truth and you will hear me, as will countless others; just as so many were forced to hear your lies.


Please do not threaten or harass me anymore over this. You may do as you wish in your private life with regard to this letter, but please do not stop me from having my say for once, to you, where you are concerned. It's my turn now. You've had your turn for 23 years. You had your chance to make it right, and I'm tired of hurting anymore because of you.


It's my turn now... and yes, it's like that now...

Here is my very own "Mommy Dearest"- the woman who tried so hard to ruin my childhood... and my life.