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CIRCUS MONKEYS
Chapter 14 I made it to the back of the entrance with Tanya, but I quickly lost her. She knew where she needed to go. I was going to have to find Joshua on my own. That's ok, even though we were on speaking terms now I really didn't want her there when I talked to him. I searched through the crowd. Crap, this was going to be impossible. I had no idea what time he was performing or where he would be standing. I put a hand to my forehead. This was really not good. There was applause from the crowd and everyone moved up a bit. My eyes roamed around looking for the tight fabric of his outfit, but that was all I saw everywhere. The place was dizzying with all the fancy, shimmering outfits and made-up faces. It was insane. I turned to the nearest clown and pulled on his sleeve. It was Patrick. "Patrick! Do you know where Joshua is?" I asked, hoping that the urgency came through in my voice. Apparently it did because Patrick looked around. "Sorry, little lady, I don't know exactly. But if you need to talk to him before he goes on you better do it quick. I think he's on soon." I nodded and thanked him, moving through the crowd. Joshua, where are you? I asked, using my faux ESP as I went through the crowd. If you can hear me, start screaming and running in circles so I can find you! I told him and waiting for a moment, before sighing. I knew I should have paid more attention that day when Julie and I sat in her room reading through a book entitled - "10 easy steps to becoming psychic". Now I was stuck. I slowly progressed toward the front, being careful not to mess anyone up. Everyone seemed calm on their face but their hands were jittery and moving everywhere. They were clearly trying doing their best to be cool for the first time out. If I was able to, I would have just sat there and let the excitement run through me - but obviously, I didn't have the time. As I neared the center there was another burst of applause. Another act was over and I didn't seem to be any closer to finding Josh. Was he the next one up? I felt panic mode seriously set in. There was something inside of me that was telling me I had to talk to him before he went out. I had never had a gut instinct that strong before and I wasn't about to ignore it. I looked far ahead of the crowd and saw that they were pulling out the ropes. Oh no, that wasn't a good sign. The triplets, whose name was German and impossible to pronounce, and Josh were the only two acts using the vertical ropes. I listened carefully to the announcer. Yes! It was the German girls! With renewed inspiration of knowing what was going on, I moved forward. Closer and closer, Josh would be right there up at the front... "Mallory, what are you doing?" I heard the voice of my father beside me. I spun around. "Daddy!" I grinned, looking a little guilty, I was sure. I thought about making an excuse but pushed it aside. My real reason was good enough. "I need to find Joshua before he goes on!" My dad looked like he wanted to say something but I started off. Then something ticked inside me. I turned back quickly, throwing my arms around my dad. "Good luck! I love you!" I smiled and then pushed forward in the crowd, hoping that the German girls had a long routine. I moved closer still and suddenly there he was. Finally! I moved forward. Then, to my horror, I saw the German girls coming down. The crowd began to whistle. No, it couldn't be done already! "Josh!" I yelled. He turned back. I tried to move forward even more. I waved my hands. He spotted me with confusion in his eyes. I pushed past a clown or two and came up next to him, not even paying attention to how close I was to the opening. I put my hand on his shoulder. "I need to talk to you." "Mallory, I'm going on - now!" He said, looking forward. The utter bewilderment was evident in this voice. I nodded and took a breath. Wow, I was really worn out. "I know, but you have to know I'm not mad at you in fact -" In fact what? I realized in that instant I was about to say that I loved him. How could that be? I hadn't even confessed to myself I actually liked him - and now I was about to tell him that I love him? I shook my head, bringing him back into focus. "Mallory, I can't talk!" He said. I nodded, hearing the announcer's voice behind me. What could I say to him in one millisecond that would make everything right? My mind was blank. "I just wanted to -" But I couldn't talk anymore. The German girls were coming offstage. My hand wasn't on his shoulder anymore. Instead there was only air beneath. My arm slowly fell back to its place at my side. It felt awkwardly heavy. "Be careful," I whispered to no one. I felt my heart drop. Did I say enough? I crossed my arms over my chest. There was nothing more that I could do but stand here and watch. I felt my heart pound as he walked - seemingly confident - toward the rope that hung in the middle of the circle. Cheers arose. I crossed my fingers. He'll do fine, he's practiced forever! I told myself, giving a stern nod as if to punctuate the unsaid sentence. But my throat was still dry as he climbed the rope effortlessly. You're just nervous because of what happened to Mom. I told myself. I took a deep breath. Nothing like that was going to happen. I didn't have to worry. My eyes followed him up on the rope as he twisted his feet in the ropes, moving his body around in daring positions. The crowd gasped in fear and delight. Every time he turned, so did my stomach. I felt like I was right up there doing each twirl with him. The routine seemed to move perfectly. He executed each point with style and skill. As he wore on I forced myself to relax a bit. He wasn't making any mistakes. He was going to be fine. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. I couldn't let myself get this stressed. I let my breath out slowly and opened my eyes again, looking up to Joshua. My mouth gaped open in shock. My heart instantly dropped to the bottom of my shoes. No - screw that! It fell completely out of my body. My heart had fallen past the center of the Earth and was somewhere in Hong Kong. "Oh, my God." I uttered staring up at him. He wasn't moving, just staying in the position with visibly straining arms. My eyes moved all about him, something wasn't right. He was struggling. Something just wasn't right. He moved his leg, trying to wrap it around the rope but he kept missing. He couldn't get a grip. I tore my eyes away from him to look at the floor. The security guys that were there just for safety reasons were seeing his strain and were edging slowly forward. Joshua's face was pale as he tried even more desperately to get his foot to wrap around the rope, but it simply wasn't cooperating. The crowd gasped as he slid a few inches suddenly before he tightened the grip with his hands. I gasped right along with them. He pulled himself close to the rope, wrapping his legs. He succeeded only in making the rope sway under him. He took one hand off his ironclad grip to try and steady it, slipping another few inches before clamping again. I felt my eyes blur. I took a few steps forward. Why weren't the security guys going to him? He was in trouble! But they still stood back and I could see Joshua huffing above. I stared as he stopping struggling to wrap his legs. His arms visibly trembled. His face was going from pale to red. He slipped again, but this time it was more than a few inches. I barely heard myself cry out because of the sound of the crowd. They all gasped as he fell, even though his hands were clasped tight. I could almost feel the pain of the burn as he slid down ten feet before his hands gave out and let go - falling for the last fifteen. "Josh!" I cried out, running forward. I wasn't the only one. All the safety men ran out to the side to get their things and people ran behind me. The crowd leapt to their feet, getting a better look at Joshua. He was lying on the flat of his back. "Josh!" I screamed again, stumbling forward. Instant tears clouded my vision as I moved to him, ignoring the fact that most of those behind me stopped at the edge of the circle. I pressed past the safety men just standing there next to him, unable to do anything until someone came with supplies. I fell down next to him and barely heard the sounds of the men telling me not to touch him. They were talking to him but I didn't pay attention. I just looked at his pale face and closed eyes. "Oh my god, Josh! How...how could you?!" I cried, doing my best to follow the words of the men and not touch him. The tears streamed from my eyes. I wiped them away from the back of my hand. "Why did you fall - how could you? You've been practicing forever, how could you fall now?" I asked him, but he didn't response. I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. A fury rose up inside of me. "You can't be hurt! You can't be! It isn't possible; it isn't even close to my birthday! That's simply breaking the rules, you little cheat Josh!" I swallowed. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair to Josh. Oh, how could this happen?! I looked down at his face. Completely forgetting the words from the men, I lightly touched the side of his face. His skin was smooth. I realized there just how much I really cared for him. I had known it all along but me with my stubborn ways just refused to accept it. I liked him - liked him to my core. One of those likes that certainly could develop into love. Oh, to hell with it! I thought as my fingers touched his hair. Enough of the 'like-like' speeches. Is it really that hard to say the word love? I loved him and it wasn't one of those kinds where I giggle at all of his jokes, like what I felt for Todd. It was one of those...well it was one of those where I could be boiling mad at him, then completely scared for him the next because deep down anger doesn't matter. The tears continued to spill out of my eyes until I saw something change on his face. His eyelids started to twitch. For the first time since I had sat down in my spot I look up and around all those around me. It was then that I realized how in the spotlight I was. Everyone was encircling us, all a few feet away. If I wasn't so emotionally traumatized I would have been completely embarrassed. But for that moment, I was just looking to see if other people saw what I saw - the movement of his eyelids. And from their faces, they saw it. I turned back to Joshua just as his eyes fluttered open. Instantly a smile exploded onto my face. I knew that didn't mean that everything perfect, but at least his eyes were open. I wiped away some of my tears. "Oh, Josh..." I said and he looked around before focusing on me. His eyes were vacant and confused for a moment before they totally locked on mine. Then I saw that he had the recognition. Suddenly, his eyes weren't saying fear, they were saying relief. I sighed. I moved over as the men came with the equipment. They started talk to Josh, asking him where he was and all of that. I stepped back to the outside of the circle, no longer wanting to be in the middle. I couldn't do anything for him, even though I wanted to. I kept my eyes locked on my sneakers and the sawdust that covered them. I felt like someone's sore thumb, the reality of what I had done set in. I had just run out into the middle of the circus and bawled in front of strangers and friends alike. Surrounded by the sequined costumes I felt even more out of place with my jean shorts. I focused my thoughts on the mumbled speech I could hear from Josh. Right now, there were bigger things to dwell on than my own embarrassment. They eventually eased Joshua on a stretcher and carried him out of the tent, while the announcer declared that the show would be cancelled for tonight. The audience could get their refunds at the front desk. After Joshua left, the tent cleared out. People started going back to their respective homes and trailers. There was conversation, but it was dim and quiet. Everyone was thinking about one thing and one thing only. The light was fading to the world outside. I walked with my dad back to the trailer, who said nothing of the incident. I saw Rupert and Tanya walking in the opposite direction. I felt a throbbing inside of me that pressed painfully against my ribcage. My heart was still in Hong Kong, but it looks like guilt has quickly taken its place. I broke off quickly to talk with Tanya. "Hi Rupert." I acknowledged and then turned to Tanya. Her French braid wasn't nearly as perfect as it was before and her face was unbearably pale. The guilt decided to thump a little harder. "Can I talk to you?" I asked and she nodded. Rupert bobbed his head and kept walking, leaving us to ourselves. I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes again. "I didn't get to him in time," I said, looking at my feet. "I came up to him just as he was going on. I said I wasn't mad but I don't know if he heard me. I'm sorry." I looked up to her and saw sympathy in her eyes. "Mallory, it isn't your fault. In fact, you are probably why he held on so long," she said. I looked at her confused. She smiled slightly searching for a way to explain. "He tried so hard to get back on those ropes, sure because he didn't want to fall and kill himself, but also because he knew that you were watching." She held my eyes with her gaze. "I wasn't going to tell you, but now I guess it doesn't matter. When he told me that he was nervous, I asked him why. He said, 'I don't want her to see me fall. She's scared enough as it is.' He knew that were had a phobia about the whole 30-feet-off-the-floor thing and he didn't want to do anything to feed that fear." I almost laughed at the irony of it but didn't. I looked at Tanya for a moment and then gave her a hug. Someday, I was going to tell her I was sorry for calling her Barbie. Even though she never knew it happened. "Thanks." I gave her a soft smile and then turned back to the trailer. We wouldn't get word about Josh's condition until tomorrow. Even though it was still early, I was going to throw myself into bed. The day had exhausted me. Plus, the sooner I get to bed, the sooner tomorrow will come. "Circus Monkeys -- Chap 15" 
© Copyright 2003 Madame Lunacy! (UN: xena_12 at Writing.Com).
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