The Mammogram and Ultrasound

August 8, 2000

Yesterday I went for the mammogram more for those around me than for myself. In fact, as that day began I had a phone call from a friend. She had found something suspicious in her breast that morning and I told her to get to a doctor immediately. As I was getting undressed I thought this appointment would be a great opportunity to ask about my friend's symptoms.

As the pictures were taken I rambled on about how I had this friend who found a lump and how we had another friend who was going through the final stages of breast cancer. I talked on and on about how savage the disease was, thinking the whole time that it could only happen to someone else...

The tech smiled and chatted and finally the pictures were done. She took me to a room to wait while she developed the films, turned the video machine on so I could watch the step by step monthly breast self exam I had done as a routine for years. I got up to turn the television off when the video was finished, impatient then to get dressed and to leave. Sitting around in that ridiculous johnny was a lousy way to spend the free time I had left before the kids would be coming in from school.

I stood up when the door opened. I smiled at the tech and turned to the little changing cubby... she called my name.

"The doctor wants a couple more pictures, this won't take long."

Damn, I thought, I must have breathed when she told me not to.

I watched her add attachments to the machine. Curious, but not afraid, I listened to her talk about getting a closer look at a few things. She asked me about my kids then, I think, but I can't be sure because I noticed the tone of her voice as distracted.

I jumped in with a couple questions and she was answering before she caught herself. It was about then that I started to get a little nervous.

Back in the waiting room I tried to slow the thoughts down but they would not be stopped.

The tech was back, smiling and explaining that they had tried to get the ultrasound appointment immediately but I would have to come back tomorrow at 12:30 instead...

"Don't worry...if this is what it could be we have caught it early. See you tomorrow."

I got there early, of course. I don't know why I do that all the time but the wait gave me a chance to call my friend to find out what her news was. It had to be good news because everyone said if lumps hurt it can't be cancer and she had originally noticed the lump because it was painful to touch.

I wasn't ready for the tears on the other end of the phone. They had found more lumps and done an immediate mammogram and ultrasound. Surgery was scheduled for the end of the week.

I started to cry. It's not fair!! Three out of three could not be dealt the same destiny. Fate should be content with one out of three or even two out of three. Not fair at all!!!

My name was called and another open front johnny was on the bench for me. In moments I was lying on a table and looking at the ultra sound machine. It was familiar from the time of my pregnancies but I knew that it would not be a heartbeat I would be watching unless the tech slipped and showed my own heart racing.

The machine was a new model, the salesman was on hand to direct the tech. In a short space of time it was like I wasn't even in the room. The salesman explained how to measure each unusual area and then a little trick to get two spots in the same picture. Everyone was thrilled with the way the new machine worked. I laid there, calmly watching dark shadows being focused on...

I expected to be afraid as I listened to the details of each spot on my left breast, knowing that was where the concern was originally. I wasn't afraid. I felt a little shock of surprise when attention shifted to my right breast but still not afraid.

I was going to learn as much as I could while I lay there. Before this was done I was going to experience a small piece of what my friend with cancer had told me. I was going to feel, for a period of time, the lack of control over destiny....