Haibun

For all intents and purposes, I was born this year. Suddenly awakened at 41-years-old, wide-eyed and awestruck.

Fingers gripping tightly
The soap covered crystal
Suddenly loosened

I used to talk about my childhood in halves: the first half where I was innocent, unaware there was a larger world around me, and just having a good time and the second half where I knew, where I suddenly felt like I was one of the enlightened. What was I thinking? What did I think I knew? What really happened is that I traveled from a child who believed that anything was possible to an old woman too afraid to even consider what she may want let alone speak up for it.

Eyes look into a mirror
Scan the face, examine it
Never meeting themselves

So my first enlightenment was really just a big sell out. Once I read a t-shirt that said, “I don’t want to travel through life just to arrive safely at death.”

That was me. I wanted to travel safely. I married, purchased real estate, considered children, took vacations all because it was what I assumed I was supposed to do. Not once did I ask myself, “What would you like to do today?” I woke up every morning to challenges that felt like baseballs pitched at me from one of those machines; my job was just to bat them away.

A book of well-worn pages
I’ve spent too long here
Time for another tale

It seems unfair to say I came alive because I got a divorce. My ex-husband wasn’t an ogre or a bully. Really, if you met him, you’d probably say he’s a nice guy. Why once a woman at the grocery check-out told me I should be grateful because she overheard the fact he actually cooked. “He’s a keeper,” she said.

I think what really happened is that I finally woke up; you can only sleep for so long because sooner or later the person you have to go to bat for is you.