Misplaced Guilt

This was written for "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor and the lyrics in italics are from the song "Bother" by Stone Sour. There is a lot that I tried to portray with this story, I hope that I was able to get it all across.

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

I walk into the room, seeing you alone there...again. This time though, the television isn't even on, you're just staring out into space. I can't help but feel the shiver that runs down my back. It is so weird to see you so...empty. So alone. Even though I'm right here.

I take a step forward. Trying to get you to notice me without me actually having to say something to draw your attention. I'm not sure why, but I just think that would be the better route to go...what with the mood that you seem to be in. But what do I even really know about your moods? It seems like all you ever have is one mood anymore. This one.

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

I want to help you. Deep down inside of me, I remember times that we used to have. I remember feelings that we used to share with each other...or at the very least I remember when we used to smile at each other when we saw each other in the room. Now...there isn't even acknowlegement.

Wait. There, a spark of understanding in your eyes. You register that I'm here.

"What?" You ask, and for a moment I'm silent. Will you say anything else? Anything of substance for meaning for me to absorb?

"God, if you don't have anything to say then don't fucking bug me." You say, stinging my heart. I lower my eyes. That definitely wasn't what I was hoping for.

"Oh, what are you going to cry now? You are such a baby." Your words cut even deeper in the same old spots. It seems like you know exactly where is hurts and go for the core.

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Is it my fault that you are this way? Did I push away everyone that ever loved you, or us? If it is, I honestly didn't mean to. I didn't realize that it was happening. I didn't know that you were going down so far before it was too late.

I'm trying. Really, I am. But I don't know how to help you. I just know that I have to keep trying, slowly at first so as to not push you away. Don't worry about anything. This is my job. I'm going to help you. I'm not going to give up.

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

I retire to my bed, laying down in the dark and looking at the ceiling, knowing full well that you haven't yet moved from your spot in the living room. I wonder what you could be thinking, what you are feeling. What you are going through must be so hard.

It seems obvious to be now. There isn't much doubt left, not after how you spoke to me today. It really is my fault. I've done all this to you. And if I weren't here in the first place, you would still be happy. You would still be laughing.

So what if I never would have experienced anything, so what if I never would have had life? At least one of us would right now. At least you would be a person, instead of having us both be just shells of a soul.

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

But I can't go back, I can't decide to go back in time and somehow make it so that I never come into life. I can't make it so that I never hurt you. So, I'll just do what I can to help you. To make it better.

I'll follow you wherever you go. I'll wait for you to turn around and tell me what to do. I'll get you anything that you want. Anything. I promise, I swear on the bible, the world, my life and yours that I will go with you, even if that direction is down.

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit.

I rise from my bed at a late hour, never having fallen asleep. I can't let it go on anymore without you knowing full and well what my intentions are. I don't care if you don't want them to be there. But I can't let you fall down into a hole without someone helping to pull you out. Or at least someone keeping you company.

I walk slowly into the room again, watching your eyes, scared at their empty glaze. I clear my throat and you turn your head slowly toward me. It was an effort I know, and you didn't have to do it. I see the pain in your eyes and I know what I must say.

I move before you, staring into your cold eyes. "I want to help you, Mom."

There is no reaction. "Go to bed."