The Pasta Pronto

THE PASTA PRONTO
Why you never buy anything that has the words, “As seen on TV.”

Well, David, if you were a better wordsmith, you would have realized what you were buying. You see the name “Pasta Pronto” is the clue within itself you overlooked. Let me hallucinate.

The word Pasta is a misnomer. It come from the Latin and is made up of two words that have been joined and actually overlapped. The first is “Past” meaning something that has gone, like “the train has past.” Now, don’t try to correct me here, because I know you’re thinking I meant “passed.” However, in the Phoenician alphabet and rules of grammar, there is no “ed,” nor can one “s” follow another “s” unlike modern culture where s’es follow s’es all the time and even emulate one another in their actions which propagates a lot of s’es, ergo “Jack S the Movie.” But I digress; so let me egress back to my point.

Pronto comes from two words also, “professional” and “onto.” The word “professional” has been corrupted to the common “pro” which we all know means someone or something that commands a lot of money for small effort. An example is the “Pro Athlete” who gets millions of dollars for an hour game. Game is also significant in that it is a game, for crying out loud! It’s supposed to be fun and free! But nooooooo, these pampered overgrown yahoos sit in their air conditioned dugouts, sideline upholstered benches, sipping spring mineral water, chatting with their agents on team cell phones, having been driven to the game in chauffeured limos, wearing thousand dollar shoes to play a game that should be free and we have to pay $1,000 for our box seats with room service! Why I remember when I didn’t pay more than a couple of C notes for that box seat.

Not only that, but as you well know, those box seats are becoming scarcer because the fat cats are snapping them up. Why I just read in the National Enquirer about the Government buying all those box seats. The Senate Banking Scandal? Hint, hint, remember, eh, eh? It was those senators buying box seats at the former Washington baseball field, Pork Barrel Park. That’s why the ball team moved. The bank went bust, and all the checks bounced; the park was left with million dollar players and no money to pay them.

Of course the heart of this issue lies at the feet of John F. Kennedy. He is the one who put the embargo on Cuba because they wouldn’t let him fish in the Bay of Pigs. It’s a little known fact that Pigfish are a rare delicacy and Kennedy and his brother, Robert were planning to catch them, cornering the market. But when word got out, they were forced to cancel their secret fishing trip. So he embargoed the Cuban ballplayers who had to turn to their Russian agents to get them into the Russian Hockey program. What’s the difference? Hit a round ball with a 2.312 diameter through the infield or slap a flat rubber puck with a 2.304 diameter into a net? But this was a story of fantastic success because they were able to ingratiate themselves with the Russian people since they were the ones who made the cigars the team smoked after their great Olympic victories. That changed when an upstart American Hockey team took the gold and the cigars.

The lowly Cuban cigar changed the course of world history when sometimes in the late 1990’s, William Jefferson Clinton lit up Monica when he fired off his illicit cigar, made by a Cuban born Russian hockey player, which resulted in pregnancy. Yes, because of Clinton’s indiscretions, Hillary was elected and Gore wasn’t when pregnant chads were discovered and George “dubya” Bush was elected president of the United States. He slashed taxes, kicked Saddam’s royal butt which created the economic environment that produced the Pasta Pronto aka “Past Ast a Pro Onto” which is a Latin idiom meaning “There’s one born every minute” or “my sister uses hers, too!”

So, David, we can lay this whole Pasta Pronto debacle at the feet of George W. Bush. Somehow I knew he was behind it all.