Little Workshop of Horrors

Good morning everyone, and welcome to the Monsters, Horrors, and Things That Go Bump In The Night First Annual Professional Training Workshop...Ms. Wolfman...I'm sorry, Wolfperson please stop peeing on the Sea Creature's leg. We have water jugs at the back to keep him damp. Thank you.

Now, we are all here to learn how to more effectively terrify the general...Vladimir, please don't make me break out the garlic spray, the masked killer doesn't want to become one of your undead hoard.

So, what methods can we use to be more effective at our purposes in life? Let's start with a bit of role playing. Everyone get into groups of four. Good, Alien, Demon, Zombie, Mummy, good selection. Um, Mr. Amorphous, you can't just split into four smaller blobs for your group. Pull yourself together and play nicely. Now, let's take a typical situation. Hmm...

All right, one of you is a monster hiding in a child's closet at night, and one will be the child in question. The other two will be the parents. Let's see what you can do to scare the child without being noticed by the parents. No, Mr. Gray, abducting the child would likely draw the parents' attention. It doesn't matter if you put him back later they're still likely to figure out something is up. No, you can just put that anal probe away right now, mister! All right let's get started.

Hmm...Very good Mr. Amorphous, hiding under the chair and sending tentacles out to make it look like there are more of you is a very effective strategy. However, not everyone can do that. What would you suggest for someone like Mrs. Mummy? Oh yes, that is a very good idea, she could use some of her wrappings to look like snakes; in the dark, a frightened child is unlikely to notice the difference.

Oh yes, very good Mr. Sea Creature, the classical Vampire could easily drape his cloak over a chair, and then turn to mist and sneak under the bed, effectively doubling the number of monsters...Ms. Apparition, the doughnuts were for the coffee break! What do you mean you didn't eat them, we can all plainly see that you did. No, they most certainly were not in there when you came in.

Now Mr. Fire Demon, there's no need to get hot under the collar...no, that wasn't a racial slur, it's just a figure of...please calm down...Oh no! Fire! Everybody out!

I hope you've enjoyed the first annual workshop, because it's also the last! I QUIT!