Short Jokes

At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his date.
- - - Edith Massey in "Polyester"

He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously.
- - - Oliver Goldsmith

She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.
- - - Jonathan Swift

I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
- - - Ashleigh Brilliant

He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul.
- - - David Lloyd George

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
- - - H. H. Munro

She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.
- - - John Cantu

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.
- - - Neil Simon

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- - - Mae West

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- - - Mark Twain

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a girl and discovering that
she looks like a haddock.
- - - John Barrymore

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong
underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
- - -George Burns

Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.
- - -Will Rogers

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- - -George Carlin

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one,
go ahead, get married.
- - -Katherine Hepburn

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : "I'm cheap!"
- - -Delta Burke

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk,
or running for office.
- - -Shirley MacLaine

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!
- - -Tommy Smothers

Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife.
- - - Muhammad Ali

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat"
- - - Stephen Wright

If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee.
- - - Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill)
If you were my wife, I'd drink it.
- - - Winston Churchill, in reply

You will either die on the gallows or of a loathsome disease.
- - - John Montague (to John Wilkes)
That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.
- - - John Wilkes, in reply

With his womanly voice, stark white skin and Medusa hair, his gash of red
lipstick, heavy eyeliner, almost nonexistent nose and lopsided face, Jackson was
making his TV appearance in order to scotch all rumors that he is not quite
normal.
- - - Craig Brown (about Michael Jackson, The Times of London, 1993)

Bambi with testosterone.
- - - Owen Gleiberman (about Prince, 1990)

He doesn't die his hair, he bleaches his face.
- - - Johnny Carson (about Ronald Reagan)

I guess I look like a rock quarry that someone has dynamited.
- - Charles Bronson

I have a face like the behind of an elephant.
- - Charles Laughton

I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages,
"I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"
- - Robin Williams

I'm a meathead. I can't help it, man. You've got smart people and you've got
dumb people.
- - Keanu Reeves

I'm not smart enough to lie.
- - Ronald Reagan

I do not like broccoli and I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my
mother made me eat it. Now I'm President of the United States and I'm not going
to eat any more broccoli.
- - George Bush

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.
- Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiance

I think, therefore, I am... not related to you.

Conventional wisdom says to know your limits. To know your limits you need to find them first. Finding you limits generally involves getting in over your head and hoping you live long enough to benefit from the experience. That's the fun part.

Never anger a dragon, for you are crunchy and you go well with Brie.

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. - Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz

"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go." - Rose in Titanic. Several seconds later, poor little Jack sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic...

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. - - Douglas Adams

Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question. - Camus

It may be true that you can't fool all the people all the time, but you can fool enough of them to rule a large country. - - Durant

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her." -- Agatha Christie

Nature has never read the Declaration of Independence. It continues to make us unequal. - - Durant

A man sits with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems shorter than a minute. But tell that same man to sit on a hot stove for a minute, it is longer than any hour. That's relativity. - - Einstein

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. - - Einsten

Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason so few engage in it. - - Henry Ford

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

A man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement.

Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail friends

I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

Guy: Did the gates of heaven open up? Because I think I see an Angel.
Girl: Did the Zoo gates open up? Because I think I see a gorilla.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. --Woody Allen

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic".

"Never argue with idiots! They will drag you to their level and defeat you with experience!"

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The following are very funny quotes from Oscar Wilde's "The Importance of Being Earnest":

Algernon: Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?
Lane: I didn't think it polite to listen, Sir.
Algernon: I'm sorry for that, for your sake. I don't play accurately - any one can play accurately - but I play with wonderful expression.

Jack: When one is in town one amuses oneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people. It is excessively boring.
Algernon: And who are the people you amuse?
Jack: [Airily.] Oh, neighbours, neighbours.
Algernon: Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?
Jack: Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of them.
Algernon:. How immensely you must amuse them!

Jack: I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to town expressly to
propose to her.
Algernon. I thought you had come up for pleasure?... I call that business.
Jack: How utterly unromantic you are!
Algernon: I really don't see what is so romantic about proposing. One may be accepted - one usually is, I believe - and then the excitement is ended. The very essence of romance is uncertainty.

My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist. It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression.
-Jack

Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else. And that makes me so nervous.
-Gwendolen

Lady Bracknell: I have always been of the opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know?
Jack: I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.
Lady Bracknell: I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a very delicate exotic fruit. Touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately, in England at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor's Square.

The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to some one else, if she is plain.
-Algernon

Miss Prism: Do you mind if I take your picture?
Cecily: No, I often like to be looked at.

[on hearing that Jack's wastrel brother died suddenly]
Miss Prism: What a lesson for him. I trust he will profit by it.

Algernon: Good afternoon, dear Aunt.
Lady Bracknell: I hope you are behaving very well.
Algernon: Well, I am feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.
Lady Bracknell: That's not quite the same thing. In fact, the two things rarely go together.

"To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." -Lady Bracknell

Jack: I don't actually know who I am by birth. I was... well, I was found.
Lady Bracknell: Found?
Jack: Yes. The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentlemen of a kindly disposition found me and gave me the name of Worthing because he happened to have a first class ticket to Worthing at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It's a seaside resort.
Lady Bracknell: And where did this charitable gentlemen with the first class ticket to the seaside resort find you?
Jack: In a handbag.
Lady Bracknell: [closes eyes briefly] A handbag?
Jack: Yes, Lady Bracknell, I was in a hand bag. A somewhat large... black... leather handbag with handles... to it.
[pause]
Lady Bracknell: An ordinary handbag.
Lady Bracknell: And where did this Mr. James... or, Thomas Cardew come across this ordinary handbag?
Jack: The cloak room at Victoria Station. It was given to him in mistake for his own...
Lady Bracknell: [Shocked] The cloak room at Victoria Station?
Jack: Yes. The Brighton line.
Lady Bracknell: The line is immaterial.
[begins tearing up notes]
Lady Bracknell: Mr. Worthing. I must confess that I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any rate bred in a handbag, whether it have handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life which reminds one of the worst excesses of the French revolution.

"An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant as the case may be."
-Lady Bracknell

Lady_Bracknell: I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid down for our guidance. I think some preliminary inquiry on my part would not be out of place. Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger railway stations in London? I merely desire information. Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons whose origin was a Terminus

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However, I don't mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind.
-Algernon

I should have remembered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome meals.
-Cecily

Oh, I don't think I would care to catch a sensible man. I shouldn't know what to talk to him about.
-Cecily

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
-Gwendolen

I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked.
-Jack

Gwendolen - Cecily - it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind.
-Jack

"The absence of old friends one can endure with equanimity. But even a momentary separation from anyone to whom one has just been introduced is almost unbearable."

Lady Bracknell: Well, I must say, Algy, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or die. This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd!

Lady_Bracknell: May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides?
Algernon: Oh! No! Bunbury doesn't live here. Bunbury is somewhere else at present. In fact, Bunbury is dead.
Lady_Bracknell: Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury die? His death must have been extremely sudden.
Algernon: Oh! I killed Bunbury this afternoon. I mean poor Bunbury died this afternoon.
Lady_Bracknell: What did he die of?
Algernon: Bunbury? Oh, he was quite exploded.
Lady_Bracknell: Exploded! Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage? I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation. If so, he is well punished for his morbidity.
Algernon: My dear Aunt Augusta. I mean he was found out! The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean, so Bunbury died.
Lady_Bracknell: he seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice. And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to me peculiarly unnecessary manner?

Gwendolyn: Let us preserve a dignified silence.
Cecily: Certainly. It is the only thing to do now.
[Jack and Algernon begin serenading them]
Gwendolyn: This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.

Jack: How you can sit there eating muffins when we're in this terrible trouble, I can't make out! It seems to me to be perfectly heartless...
Alegernon: Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.
Jack: I say it's perfectly heartless, your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.
Algernon: When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as any one who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins.
Jack: Well that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. [Takes muffins from Algernon.] I wish you would have tea cake instead.
Alegernon: I don't like tea cake.
Jack: Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.
Alegernon: But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins!
Jack: I said it was perfectly heartless of YOU under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.
Alegernon: That may be, but the muffins are the same!

"To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable."
-Lady Bracknell

Lady Bracknell: Come on, Gwendolyn, we have already missed five, if not six trains! To miss any more might expose us to comments on the platform.

A passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to.
-Jack

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ULTRA-CONDENSED WORKS


The Collected Work of Jane Austen
By Jane Austen
Ultra-Condensed

Female Lead
I secretly love Male Lead. He must never know.
Male Lead
I secretly love Female Lead. She must never know.
(They find out.)

THE END

----------
Great Expectations
By Charles Dickens
Ultra-Condensed

Pip
I'm Pip. I'm poor.
(Lots of THINGS happen.)

Pip
My life didn't matter, because I'm still poor and alone.


THE END

----------
A Farewell To Arms
By Ernest Hemingway
Ultra-Condensed

Frederic Henry
I'm separated from my true love in World War I Italy.
Catherine Barkley
Here I am. Let's hide in Switzerland, whoops, (dies).
Frederic Henry
War has made me cynical.

THE END

----------
The Old Man and the Sea
By Ernest Hemingway
Ultra-Condensed

An old man catches a fish that's too big for his boat. The fish gets eaten by
sharks. Then he goes home and DIES.

THE END

----------
The Snows of Kilimanjaro
By Ernest Hemingway
Ultra-Condensed

Ernest Hemingway
If you're a writer, make sure you write things, because otherwise you might
die, and then you won't get to write anything.

THE END

----------
To Build a Fire
By Jack London
Ultra-Condensed

Sometimes you need to build a fire to keep warm, but you can't, and you freeze
to death.


THE END

----------
Julius Caesar
By William Shakespeare
Ultra-Condensed

Caius Cassius
Brutus, we're plotting to kill your best friend Caesar. Wanna help?
Marcus Brutus
Because I love Rome more, I will.
(They all stab Caesar.)

Julius Caesar
Et tu, Brute? In that case, I'd better die. (dies)
(The nation mourns, and everybody commits suicide.)

THE END

----------
Sleepless In Seattle
Directed by Nora Ephron
1993
Ultra-Condensed

Meg Ryan
I shall find out all I can about Tom Hanks and stalk him.
Tom Hanks
Your plan worked. I love you.

THE END

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You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say, "I don't know"? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." ... Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. -- Andy Rooney

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GRANDPARENTS
Grandchildren are often spoiled because no one will spank Grandma. -- Barbara Freeman

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Written on a T-shirt.....

Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head? Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?

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On a piano:
Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

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Taken from an internet site where there's a competition for writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second line.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty & so is your head.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .
.. Man, I'm good at telling lies!

I saw your face as you walked by
But then I saw a better guy.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

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THE "BEST MAN" TRADITION
"Best man" is of Scottish origin and goes back many centuries to the times when a prospective groom simply kidnapped the woman of his choice and carried her away with him. Such a venture required courage and audacity as well as a good deal of manpower. So the groom selected the bravest of his friends to accompany him.

They were known as "groomsmen" - a term still used in some parts of the country to describe ushers at a wedding. The closest and most valiant of the bridegroom's associates became known as the "best man". Similarly the bridesmaids were originally the closest friends of the bride, the ones who helped (or pretended to help) the bride defend herself against her abductors. Thus the customs of a savage and primitive society are echoed in names used today for the participants in that most formal and civilized of ceremonies, the wedding.

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{taken from Ramblings From A Frazzled Mind by Kim Burke )

[I read a label on a box of laundry detergent today which cautioned not to ingest the product. This concerns me because I happen to believe if you are old enough to read labels, you are old enough to know not to eat detergent. But perhaps my perception is incorrect.

I wonder if there is someone who really doesn't like Sarah Lee.

Why is there a toll free number to call for help on the back of my bottle of dishwashing liquid? I'm tempted to call and ask how to use it. Just for fun. I wonder if they would send someone over to help me?]

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-------[...from the TV Show "That 70's Show"]

Jackie Burkhart: Will you still love me when I'm bald?
Michael Kelso: ...you can wear a wig...?
Jackie Burkhart: So Michael, are you saying you would NOT love me if I didn't have a luscious full-bodied head of hair?
Michael Kelso: OH! No, Jackie, no, I would love you even MORE. I would shave off my hair and paste it to your head.
Jackie Burkhart: Michael, that's beautiful!

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~ Really, really dumb laws. ~

(These laws have been verified and culled from various sources. Remember, truth is stranger than fiction...Enjoy!)

Alabama: It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

Alaska: It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

Arizona: Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.

Arkansas: A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. ('Cause the rest of the time she beats him. At least I would.
Tit for tat.)

California: Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. (How they go about enforcing this, that is what i wanna know.)

Connecticut: You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

Florida: If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

Hawaii: Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.

Idaho: You may not fish on a camel's back. (Repealed)

Illinois: Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

Indiana: Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

Kansas: Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.

Louisiana: It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. (Okay, but NOT illegal to just rob the bank, or shoot the teller with a REAL gun?)

Massachussetts: At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.

Minnesota: A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.

Montana: It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

Nebraska: It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

New Hampshire: You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.

New York: The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (Umm...That was kinda the idea wasn't it?? And if by chance your suicide plan doesn't work, don't worry the govt. will help you along.)

Oklahoma: Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.

Pennsylvania: You may not sing in the bathtub. (What they gonna do? Come in your bathroom and arrest you there?)

Rhode Island: It is considered an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley.

South Carolina: It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide. (O..K...Jolly good plan and all. But...I do not think we've completely mastered the art of killing a corpse.)

Tennessee: Driving is not to be done while asleep.

Texas: It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Utah: It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.

Washington: All lollipops are banned.

Wisconsin: State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.

Wyoming: You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit.

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From "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" (2005)

Joe: [watching Madea butter her house arrest bracelet] You know, I was watching the Animal Planet channel and they say that when a coyote is trapped, it will eat its own foot off to get out of the trap. You want some hot sauce? In your case it wouldn't be a coyote, it would be an elephant. A big old giraffe.
Madea: Say one more thing, Joe.
[click of gun]
Madea: Say one more thing. I don't hear you. You're quiet, can I buy a vowel?

Helen: He put me out of the house.
Madea: Who house?
Helen: Our house.
Madea: Exactly, how's a man throw a woman out of her own house? No man would ever do that to me, he'd put me out half of the house, I'll go live in the other half.

Myrtle: "Peace be still." That's what he said.
Madea: Well, peace always comes with still...
[takes out gun]
Madea: 'cause I keeps me a piece o' steel.

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STUPID QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

At a funeral, one of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people?
Answer: Why? Would you rather it have been you?

At a family get-together, when some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question: Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big!!
Answer: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question: Hey, have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I'm shedding.....

You see someone smoking a cigarette and someone asks
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke!?
Answer: No, it's a miracle...... it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!

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TACT
Tact is the art of making people feel at home -- even when you wish they were. -- Unknown

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~Lost In Translation~

The name Coca-Cola in China
was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company
did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole". Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan
"Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as
"Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken
slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes,
"Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market
into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your
mind seems to be free and empty."

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico,
its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the
Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said
that "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami
printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's
visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the
shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water
translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

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Doctor Questions

Doc;
I'm very poor, does this mean that I will get sick and die?
-Book Gun

Not necessarily. You could get hit by a bus or murdered.