Cindy, Rose, and Blanche

THE KICK-BUTT PRINCESSES

Snow White was painting her nails her usual bright red. The color, along with her lips, kept up her look of stark contrasts: clear blue eyes, deep black hair, pale white skin. She sat cross-legged on the floor, one hand held close to her face while the other gently swept the brush along her nails.

Sleeping Beauty was flipping idly through a book on proper etiquette. Strands of long reddish hair were continuously falling into her face, but she brushed them back with a delicate hand over and over. Her long legs were tucked up beside her on the armchair, wrinkling her new blue dress in a most unbecoming fashion.

Cinderella, still unable after all this time to break her habit of housework, was doing needlepoint on a wingchair by the fireplace. Her blond hair was pulled into a tight bun at the back of her head, giving her a horrendous headache. She alone of the three of them sat in a posture resembling a lady’s.

Finally, Cinderella heaved an exasperated sigh and flung the needlepoint onto her lap. “Do you have to use that disgusting-smelling stuff in here?” she asked, blue eyes glaring coldly at the floor.

“Yes,” Snow White replied, looking just as frustrated. “Where else am I going to do it? In my room? With that man watching my every move?”

“That man just happens to be your husband.”

“Yeah, and I just happen to be tired of him. So I ate a poisoned apple. So what?” Snow White shrugged. “Everyone makes mistakes.”

Sleeping Beauty looked up from her book. “And yours got you true love’s kiss.”

“Eh,” said Snow White, shrugging again. “If I had known true love’s kiss would have come with the true love attached, I would have asked to stay comatose.”

Sleeping Beauty stifled a laugh and Cinderella opened her mouth to respond. But she was cut off by the entrance of three men into the sumptuous parlor.

Each man was tall, dark, and handsome. Charm oozed from every pore, and muscles bulged under every sleeve, shirt, and pant leg. They looked alike enough to be identical triplets, not just the three remarkably similar brothers they actually were. Their cocky smiles showed rows of gleaming perfect teeth. Their dark brown hair was combed within an inch of its life against their big heads. Their skin bore a sheen of sweat and a flawless tan. In short, if any men deserved to be called Princes Charming, they were these three.

“Hey, babe,” said three baritone voices in unison. The first prince, who the three women did refer to as Prince Charming in private, approached Cinderella. The middle brother, called Prince Delightful behind his back, knelt on the floor next to Snow White. And the youngest, also known to the princesses as Prince Agreeable, sat on one of the arms of Sleeping Beauty’s chair.

“What’s cooking, good looking?” Prince Agreeable asked his wife.

“Nothing,” said Sleeping Beauty, yawning. “I’m bored out of my mind.”

“What my eloquent brother means is,” Prince Charming said, “where’s dinner?”

“I would guess in the kitchens being made.” Cinderella was doing her best to needlepoint and ignore the husband leaning over the back of her chair. At least, with him behind her, he couldn’t see the annoyance on her face.

“Well, what is it?” inquired Prince Delightful.

“I’m not sure,” said Snow White, switching the brush from one hand to the other. “Whatever they’re making for us, I suppose.”

“Why aren’t you girls downstairs cooking it?” asked Charming. He was pretending to study the needlepoint, but Cinderella knew he was looking down the bodice of her dress. Even if he was her husband, she felt violated and disgusted.

“Because we hire people for that kind of thing.”

“Well, I married you for that kind of thing.”

“And other kinds of things,” said Agreeable, pinching Sleeping Beauty’s buttock.

“True,” said Delightful, leaning in to nibble on Snow White’s neck.

“Too true,” agreed Charming, continuing to stare at Cinderella’s “needlepoint.”

Snow White recoiled and scooted closer to the fireplace and further from her husband. “Isn’t there something you could be hunting right about now?”

“How about the housework?” said Agreeable. “Everything dusted and polished?”

“Once again,” sighed Sleeping Beauty, “we have servants for that kind of thing.”

“We have help, that we pay,” said Cinderella, for whom servitude was a sore point.

“I have help,” Charming said, coming around to the front of Cinderella’s chair to look her in the eye. “But she’s not doing much helping.”

Cinderella rolled her eyes. “I’m your wife, not your lady in waiting.”

“What’s the difference? I saved you from a stepmother that hated you.”

“I woke you from the brink of death,” added Agreeable.

“And I did both,” Delightful chimed in.

Cinderella threw down her needlepoint and stood in a huff. “All right, that’s it, I’ve had it. I don’t know about these ladies, but I am sick and tired of your chauvinistic, macho attitude.”

Snow White stood as well, in such a hurry that her nail polish spilled onto the thick, expensive rug. “That’s a lie, Cinderella. You do know about these ladies. Or me, anyway. I’m sick of it too.”

Sleeping Beauty settled her green eyes coldly on Agreeable before crossing the room to stand between her two sisters-in-law. “Me too,” she said. “Have you three heard yourselves? ‘Where’s my dinner? Where’s my clean clothes? Where’s some love for your savior?’ It’s repulsive!”

The three princes had risen and stood one next to another, looking remarkably like cut-out dolls on one long string of paper. “What are you saying, babe?” asked Charming, still smiling that smug, cocky smile.

“We’re leaving you. All three of us are leaving all three of you.” Cinderella glared at her soon-to-be ex-husband. “Thanks for all the help in the past. But we don’t need you anymore. We can get along just fine without you.”

“We can?” whispered Sleeping Beauty to Snow White, who elbowed her but cracked a grin.

“Don’t try to stop us because we’re through,” Cinderella continued. “We’ll be out of here before you know it. It’s over, boys. Say goodbye now.”

The three princes didn’t seem to know quite what was happening. They continued to stand and stare stupidly, the same dumb grins on their faces. Cinderella turned and flounced from the room, and Sleeping Beauty and Snow White hurriedly followed, with nary a look at their former husbands.

Once they got into the hall, Cinderella turned abruptly. “Okay, game plan time.”

“What do you mean?” asked Sleeping Beauty.

“I mean, we’d better figure out what we want to do now. Obviously we can’t stay here.”

“Well, obviously,” said Sleeping Beauty, but her look to Snow White was dismayed.

“Why don’t we do this: each of us go to our rooms and pack our belongings up. Sleeping Beauty, then you head down to the kitchens and get us three bags of food to take with us. Snow White, you go to the stables and get us three horses.”

“And what, may I ask, are you doing?” asked Snow White.

“I have some –“ Cinderella paused to think of the right words. “I have some last-minute business with Charming.”

Snow White’s eyes widened but she didn’t argue. Sleeping Beauty might not have heard – her worried eyes showed how concerned she still was about leaving home.

“Is that okay? And everyone meets at the drawbridge in fifteen minutes.”

Snow White nodded. “All right, sister. See you in fifteen minutes.”

“Do we really have to leave?” Sleeping Beauty asked, but Snow White grabbed her arm and pulled her down the hall towards their bedchambers.

Cinderella turned and flew in the other direction. Since she’d married the oldest brother (the pig), she’d had the nicest, largest room of the three of them. Not that any of their rooms had been small or ugly. They were princesses, after all. But instead of being a blessing this had turned out to be a curse. Sleeping Beauty and Snow White had rooms right next to each other. Cinderella’s was all the way on the other side of the long hall, and the only room near it was Charming’s. It left her often lonely. But no more.

Cinderella tore into her room and grabbed the first bag she could find, which turned out to be her laundry bag. She dumped the contents on the floor and was greeted by a pile of her husband’s stinky underthings. She repressed the urge to vomit and instead concentrated on filling the bag with her possessions: a book her father had given her long ago, a diamond bracelet Charming had given her and that it might be useful to sell, a knife she had taken from her serving days that fit her hand well, several changes of clothes. When she got to the ball dress from her fairy godmother, she stopped. She ran her fingers down the side of the dress, suddenly nostalgic. The fabric was cool and slippery beneath her gliding touch.

You’d approve of this, wouldn’t you, Fairy Godmother? Cinderella wondered.

Then she decided it didn’t matter if she would or not. Just like in her stepfamily’s house, she couldn’t stand living in this place much longer. So she was doing now what she should have done then – she was leaving. She grabbed one more item from her room, but this one she didn’t stick in her bag.

As she tied the bag shut and threw it over her shoulder, the big clock downstairs rang five times. Five o’clock. And her fifteen minutes were almost up. She ran out of her room and down the stairs as fast as if the chime had been midnight. Snow White and Sleeping Beauty were waiting at the door, but so were Charming, Delightful, and Agreeable. Cinderella barreled through them to stand by her friends. Sleeping Beauty held the reins of a beautiful white horse, and Snow White held two. All three horses had packs on their sides and saddles on their backs. Cinderella tied her bag to the horse Snow White held out for her, her last package tucked under her arm.

“You’re not really leaving, are you, babe?”

“Of course I am,” answered Cinderella. “I’m not staying in this place any more. I thought I made that clear.”

“I thought we all made that clear,” added Snow White.

“We thought you might have changed your minds,” said Agreeable, staring longingly at his former wife.

“Well, we didn’t,” Sleeping Beauty replied. She did her best to stifle a yawn, but it came out anyway.

“So you’re really going?” asked Delightful.

“We’re not staying.”

“Oh, Cinderella,” began Charming.

“No!” his wife said. “I’m not being called by that wimpy fairy-tale name any more. I’m going to have a real name, like a real woman. I’m going to be called –“ She took a breath and searched her brain. “Cindy. Just Cindy.”

She cast a sideways glance at Sleeping Beauty. “Oh,” the other girl said. “Well, I used to be called Briar Rose at the cottage. I guess I’ll go by Rose from now on.”

Both girls then turned to look at Snow White, who brushed a strand of short black hair out of her face before announcing, “Blanche.”

Cindy felt her eyes widen and saw Rose’s do the same.

“You know,” the newly-christened Blanche said. “Snow White. Blanche. Like white.”

Cindy rolled her eyes and heaved a sigh. “Come on, girls,” she said. “Let’s get out of here.” She swung herself onto her horse sidesaddle and motioned for the other two to follow her lead. “Oh, but I brought you a going-away present.” Cindy glared at Charming, a malicious smile playing on her lips. “Here you go.”

She pulled back her arm and threw her glass slippers, one at a time, against the stone walls next to the door. They smashed gloriously into tiny fragments and fell into a small heap of gleaming shards at Charming’s feet. She heard Blanche and Rose give each other a high five behind her, but she didn’t pay attention to anything as Charming dove to look at them, Delightful and Agreeable each standing over a shoulder. Instead, she turned, leading Blanche and Rose out of the castle for good.

They had ridden about half a mile before Cindy reined her horse in and jumped off. “What’s the matter?” Rose asked.

“I can’t take this sidesaddle thing any more. It’s ridiculously uncomfortable.”

“You bet,” sighed Blanche. “But, in these damned skirts, what are you going to do about it?”

“I have an idea,” said Cindy, who was busily searching through her bag. Finally, she pulled her stepmother’s knife out and cut long slits in either side of her skirt. When she swung herself back up onto her horse, she was able to put one leg on either side, her bare skin gripping the horse’s hide.

“Can I try that?” asked Blanche, who was already hopped down from her horse and reaching out for the knife. She cut her slits and passed the knife off to Rose, who did the same. The three girls then looked at one another. They cut quite a comical picture. Blanche’s legs were so white that it was hard to tell where they ended and her horse began. Rose’s long legs hung awkwardly on either side, as though she was unsure where to put them or how.

Cindy guessed she looked just as silly. She reached up to massage the sore muscles in the back of her neck. “I’ve got the biggest headache,” she announced.

“Well, you’re still wearing that absurd bun,” said Blanche.

Cindy moved her hand from her neck to her hair and tore the latter free from the uncomfortable bun. Blonde locks tumbled around her shoulders, with an odd crease from her former hairstyle but her scalp still far more comfortable than it had been.

“So what do we do now?” asked Blanche. “We have to have someplace to stay.”

“We have to have something to do. We can’t just wander the countryside.” Rose looked between the two of them. “Right?”

Cindy nodded.

“Well,” began Blanche, “we’re liberated women now. I think we should celebrate that for a while.”

“No,” said Cindy, an idea forming in her brain. “You’re right, we’re liberated women now. But there’s lots of other women out there, lots of other fairy-tale princesses. We could help them.”

“Help them do what?” asked the usually-confused Rose.

“Leave their stupid Prince Charmings and lead their own lives. You know, like we’re doing.”

“Hey, I like that,” said Blanche. “We could be the Not-So-Enchanted Princesses.”

“The Damsels Out Of Distress,” suggested Rose.

Blanche sighed. “Do you know the acronym for that would be DOOD? I don’t know if I want us to call ourselves DOOD.”

“The Kick-Butt Princesses.”

The other two turned their eyes to Cindy. “I kinda like that,” said Blanche.

“Me too,” agreed Rose.

“Okay then. That’s what we’ll be. The Kick-Butt Princesses.”

Blanche squinted off into the distance. “Hey, what’s that over there?”

“You mean that big tower?” asked Rose.

“Of course I see that it’s a big tower, stupid. I mean the big brown stripe running down the outside of the tower.”

Cindy turned to try to see what they were seeing. Sure enough, a large stone tower shot up from the distant hill, and a brown stripe ran from a small opening on the top of the tower almost all the way to the ground. It was hard to say from this distance, but Cindy guessed the stripe was a good thirty feet long.

“I don’t know what it is,” she told Blanche. “Do you want to go check it out?”

Two enthusiastic nods confronted her.

“All right then,” she said. “Let’s go.”

Now no longer riding sidesaddle, the three Kick-Butt Princesses headed towards the gray stone tower. As they got closer, they began to see the details of the scene. The brown stripe turned out to be an extensively long braid of dark auburn hair. The girl attached to the hair at the top of the braid was looking forlornly out of the window in the opposite direction from the three women. Blanche squinted again and called out, “Rapunzel? Rapunzel, is that you?”

Rapunzel turned her head, sending a shock wave of motion down her hair. “Snow White?”

“It’s Blanche now.”

“You know this girl?” asked Cindy.

“Yeah. We knew each other at the queen’s palace.” Rose and Cindy looked blankly back at Blanche. “You know, the queen. My stepmother. Who tried to kill me.”

“Oh, right,” said Rose.

“Who are the rest of you?” asked Rapunzel, calling down loudly.

“This is Cindy and that one’s Rose.”

“Cinderella and Briar Rose?”

“Cindy and Rose,” said Cindy, a little ticked.

“That’s right. I forgot you all married into the same family.” Rapunzel paused. “How are those guys doing anyway?”

“We left our husbands,” answered Rose.

“Really? Why?”

“Because,” answered Blanche. “They were arrogant bastards.”

“Oh.”

Blanche squinted again, trying to see all the way up into Rapunzel’s face. “So what’s happening?”

“You know, the usual,” answered Rapunzel. “Got kidnapped by a witch, now I’m waiting for a prince to come and rescue me.”

The three Kick-Butt Princesses looked at one another. Their first mission. “Why?” asked Cindy.

“Because.” Rapunzel laughed. “I’ve got to get out of here somehow.”

“Well, why are you waiting for a prince?”

“So he can rescue me.”

“What Cindy means is, why don’t you rescue yourself?” said Rose.

“Rescue myself? I wouldn’t know how to do that. That’s what Princes Charming are for.”

“Well, why not?” asked Blanche. “It can’t be that hard.”

“What’s he going to do?” Rose said.

“Well, he’s going to climb up my hair.”

“And what’s that going to give you?” said Cindy.

“Besides a headache,” muttered Blanche.

“I mean, what’s he going to do up there that you can’t do? Are you both going to climb down your hair? And, if so, why can’t you just do it yourself?”

“He’s going to fight the witch, I guess.”

“And why can’t you fight the witch?” Cindy restrained her smile – they were starting to win her over.

“Because, that’s his job.”

“Well,” said Rose, “why isn’t it your job? It’s your witch.”

“Because he’s stronger than me.”

“You could fight her if you wanted.”

“He’s got a sword.”

“I could give you a knife,” Cindy offered.

“Oh, and how would you do that? By climbing my hair too?”

Cindy reached back and threw the knife, which had still been in her hand. Long practice from her bored days as a servant girl gave her uncanny accuracy. The knife turned end over end and finally buried its point in the wooden window frame.

Rapunzel took the knife out of the wood and stared at it. She looked down at the three girls, opened her mouth as if to argue again, and shut it again.

“Listen, Rapunzel,” Blanche said. “You’re smart, you’re fun, and you’re sexy. You could get any guy you wanted. Why waste it on the first guy that comes along and climbs your hair?”

“Believe us,” added Rose. “We know.”

Rapunzel looked once again at the knife. “You think I can do it?” she asked.

“We know you can,” said Cindy.

“All right then.” Rapunzel smiled, set the knife on something inside her room, and began pulling her hair back up into the window.

“What are you doing?”

“I can’t very well move with thirty feet of hair, now can I? I’m going to cut it off.”

“She must have really strong neck muscles,” whispered Blanche to Rose, who bit back a giggle.

It took forever for Rapunzel to get the knife through her thick hair. She had only just finished when the sun began to sink below the horizon and a man on a horse approached her window.

“Rapunzel!” he called. “Rapunzel, let down your hair!”

Rapunzel looked at the three girls below with a strange smile. “Okay,” she said, and dropped her old ponytail the thirty feet to fall in a heap at the horse’s hooves. The prince just stared at the pile of hair stupidly, shock written all over his handsome face.

“He looks just like Charming, Delightful, and Agreeable,” said Rose.

“Come on, girls,” said Cindy. “Let’s find the door.”

They rode around the castle and finally saw, on the other side of the tower, a small door at the bottom. They pulled their horses up next to it and waited.

The sun was a little more than half gone when Rapunzel finally opened the door. The knife now bore a glint of shiny redness, and Rapunzel ran toward them, out of breath. Her brunette locks had been cut off only a couple of inches from her head, giving her a funky ‘do that stuck out all over the place. Apparently she had seen the Kick-Butt Princesses new style from her window, because she had slits cut into her dress, too. She swung up behind Rose on her horse and handed the knife back to Cindy.

“Thanks, guys,” she said.

“Anytime,” answered Cindy as she wiped the knife off on the hem of her dress.

“So,” said Blanche, “now you have to pick a new name. We’re not fairy-tale princesses anymore, and we’re not going to have fairy-tale names.”

“We’re Kick-Butt Princesses,” Rose added.

Rapunzel gave them a hard stare for a moment until a mischievous gleam came into her tawny eyes. “Harriet,” she said.

Cindy felt her face go stupidly blank, and she saw Rose give Harriet the same expression she had earlier graced Blanche with.

“Come on, guys, it’s funny,” said the new Harriet.

“Nice,” was Blanche’s only reply.

“So, where are we off to now?” asked Harriet.

“To save some other damsel-in-distress.”

“Well, to make her save herself,” corrected Cindy.

“Hey, I know of this girl who’s been trying for a few days to spin straw into gold.”

“Why would she do that?”

Harriet shrugged. “To marry this guy, this prince guy, I think.”

“Why would she want to do that?” asked Rose, grimacing.

“I don’t know,” said Blanche, “but let’s go talk her out of it.”

The three horses bearing the four Kick-Butt Princesses rode off into the quickly gathering night. Cindy smiled, both inside and out. If any of them had shots at happily-ever-after, she believed, it was this way, with friendship, independence, and self-confidence at their side. For the first time she could remember, Cindy felt really happy and free, her dreams coming true at last.