Cheerios and a Toothbrush Named Dwight

When I saw him come into Kroger's, I knew right away he was one hamburger short of a Happy Meal. I'd had my fair share of odd customers while I worked the late shift at the grocery store. However, he had to be the strangest one I'd seen.

I was cleaning my register as he strolled through the door. He was dressed in a baby blue, terry-knit jogging outfit and wore a frizzy, rainbow-colored clown wig. He also had on a pair of knee-high rubber boots. Yep, he looked pretty snazzy.

Another customer came up to be checked out just then so I had to go about my job. Shifting my focus to the task at hand, I mused over my current customer's choice of purchases. People sometimes bought strange combinations of stuff. Like the lady whose kitty litter and peanut butter I rang up. The next guy had a buggy loaded with a forty-pound bag of Puppy Chow, a dog collar, a jumbo pack of condoms, and a large jar of Vaseline. That was freaky and I had a sudden mental picture that I wished I didn't. Ugh!

It was about fifteen minutes later when I looked up and noticed Mr. Weirdo was next in my line. He had a huge grin on his face as he was staring at something on the ceiling. I resisted the urge to glance where he was looking.

"Hello," I greeted him.

He set his items down and stepped over to the other side of the checkout stand.

"Hi," he replied, as he absently scratched at his hair. The whole wig shifted slightly, making him appear lopsided. I tried not to smile as I rang up his stuff. He was buying a huge box of Cheerios, a package of pantyhose, and a toothbrush. As I scanned the last item, he spoke up.

"They're for my brother."

"Excuse me?" I asked in confusion.

"The pantyhose. They're not for me. My brother wanted me to get him a pair. He said he wears a medium, but I think he's more like a large," Mr. Weirdo stated as if it were more than obvious his brother wasn't a size medium.

"Oh." This guy was definitely out there. Way out there.

I told him the total and had the unique discomfort of watching him pull his money from inside his boot.

Oh, ick!! I thought. I tried my best not to touch his damp twenty dollar bill any more than I had to.

I counted back his change to him and casually asked if he wanted paper or plastic bags.

"Oh, I don't care which ones you use," he said with a silly flutter of his hand. "I'm bi-sack-xual!" He followed that witty comment with a high-pitched, nasally giggle.

Maybe I'm secretly being filmed for a candid camera show, I thought wryly. Everything was thrown into a plastic bag. I handed it to him with his receipt.

"Thank you for shopping..." I started to say, but he interrupted me.

"His name is Dwight," he blurted out.

"Huh?"

"I said, 'His name is Dwight'," he repeated as if I were the stupid one.

"Your brother is named Dwight? The one who wants the pantyhose?" I asked in an attempt to make sense of the bizarre conversation.

"No, silly!" He started to skip towards the exit, his boots loudly thunking the floor.

"Well, then, who's Dwight?" I called after him, ignoring the line of people forming at my register.

Mr. Weirdo stopped for a moment in the doorway and looked back at me.

"The toothbrush, of course!" he yelled before he skipped off into the night.

"Of course!" I threw my hands up in frustration. I felt as if I were like Alice talking to the caterpillar with him. I shook my head in defeat.

Then I turned around to check out my next customer. She had a six-pack of beer and a package of drinking straws. I sighed. It was going to be a long night.